"Scarlett – there is a letter for you" Suellen's voice cut through the room. "it's from Charleston" She added with a malicious glint in her eye as she handed Scarlett the cream coloured envelope, mixed with something else that Scarlett could only interpret as pity. How dared Suellen feel pity for her, Scarlett. She hated being pitied, and even more so by her little sister for whom she had always held a slight contempt, due to her whiney whinging ways and always felt superior to.
Well, she would think of it later, not wanting to ruin the morning, and also remembering her promise to herself to be nicer to Suellen. But Suellen always made it so hard for her with her annoying ways that had a special way of getting under Scarlett's skin.
Scarlett never realised that part of having sisters is that they can be your best friend, but as they also know you best, they will always instinctively be able to find your sorest spots. In Suellen and Scarlett's case it had just always only been the negative side of sisterhood that had dominated.
Now wasn't the time for deeper reflection.
Scarlett turned over the letter and felt her heart leap. The letter was indeed from Charleston – she felt her heart racing and her cheeks flushing. Could it really be from Rhett?
She cast a stolen look around the room to see if anybody realised how flustered she felt, she caught Suellens eye and saw the undisguised curiosity there.
Not wanting to share the contents of her letter with anyone she excused herself and quickly got out on the porch where she slumped into the hanging chair that had served as her hiding place many a times in her youth.
Snuggling into the high backed swingchair she held up the letter, turned it over and looked at the handwriting on the front side, it definitely wasn't Rhett. She let out a sigh of disappointment. No of course it wasn't his writing. Why would he bother to write her a letter? He had made it clear enough that he didn't care a fig what happened to her. Bother to him and bother to the rest of the world. What did she care if he never spoke to him again? He could rot to hell in his beloved Charleston. She made the anger rise in her stomach, and for a fleeting second she consider tearing the thick envelope to pieces. As suddenly as the anger had arrived it disappeared as if it had never been, and the sadness of it all hit her, and she doubled over. Why wasn't it him who had written her? Why didn't he care?
A little shaky se straightened her back and evened out her gown, and patted her hair. Her inner turmoil, no longer clearly visible to any unseen onlooker that might hide in the dark. She traced the writing on the front with her finger, the slanting lettering was entirely unfamiliar – who could it be that would write her from Charleston. With unsteady hands she carefully slit open the envelope and revealed its contents.
She almost screamed with disappointment. It was nothing but another endless letter from her aunts. She could almost tell how the letter would run from end to end. Complaints of their life, of never having enough, then a ramble on how inappropriately she acted and probably finishing of with some more dishing of her nature and glorification of her Youngest sister Careens merits. Careen had been cooped up in that damned Charleston convent for the last couple of years. And how hard was it to stay saintly and on the golden path of propriety if one was for ever enclosed in a convent with nothing to do but praying and do gooding. She didn't have to consider where her next meal came from, and as now frivolity was allowed she didn't have to consider the changes in fashion either. No it definitely wasn't fair that she should be compared with boring old Careen.
She let her eyes roam over the seemingly endless pages of her aunts spindly handwriting, scanning the lines for any thing of particular interest.
Right at the end her eyes were caught by a slight change in the handwriting. The flow of the writing changes there and the letters bore more semblance to the slanting words on the envelope than the remains of the letter.
Strange she thought. Well, perhaps it was just Eulalie taking charge of the pen for once. Whenever she had bother to imagine her aunts writing to her, it had always been an image of Pauline sitting on her spindly little chair in front of her frail bureau in her pastel coloured boudoir, scrawling the words that Eulalie dictated to her interpreted with her own agenda in mind.
Well, she would give Eulalie the compliment of actually reading from end to end what she had found so important that she had grabbed the pen herself.
Her eyes swam as she grasped the meaning of the words.
Rhett was having a party, and not just any party, a grand new year party at that damned plantation of his.
She started at this – hadn't it been destroyed during the war?
Well never mind, how dared he be hosting a grand celebration when she was left her at old Tara.
She read on curious as to what her aunts could have to say more about the matter.
…Disgrace that you are not here at your husbands side… …People are talking…
Well let them, she didn't give a fig. Only it wasn't true, having felt the heartbreaking loneliness of being an outcast more or less from the polite circles of Atlanta Society, she did not have any great wish to have the same reputation in Charleston.
…we expect you to join at your husband's side…
Her head jerked up. Was this her opening her hint to go? At least it would be a perfect excuse. Even Rhett would not dare turn her away in front of all of Charleston. An added bonus would be that she could use it as an excuse and get out of the drab mourning gowns that had been her constant companion in the months since first Bonnie's and later Melanie's deaths.
But what did it matter Rhett didn't want her.
Wasn't that abundantly clear when he was already strutting around hosting grand parties when not even having visited her even once as he had promised to keep gossip down or had had the decency to invite her himself. She was after all still his wife, God damn it.
Floating images forced their way into her mind, images of Rhett in the midst of a circle of beautiful prim and proper Charleston ladies. Smiling, laughing being his most charming self, the perfect host to all his fancy guests – How could he. The imaginary betrayal hit her hard.
She crammed the letter into a small ball, and silently the tears that she mostly fought back successfully, slowly started to drip.
So engrossed was she in her own misery that he didn't her the slight movement in the darkness. Suellen had gone out on the porch to see what kept her elder sister for so long. And the picture of Scarlett in a rare display of emotion stirred something in her. This was on of the first times that she saw Scarlett as not the cause of all her problems but as a human being with strength and weaknesses just like everybody else. She wondered why it had taken her so long to realise. Even if Scarlett had her faults, Suellen reluctantly admitted to herself, Scarlett herself had sacrificed a great deal for all of them.
Somehow seeing this vulnerable side of Scarlett shifted something in her perception of the world. This was not a spur of the moment realisation, but one that had been creeping in on her over the last weeks while Scarlett had been back at Tara. She had been unwilling to admit it, but now that she sensed that her sister was not as strong and ready for battle made her want to comfort this normally strong woman. She thought to herself the not to long ago she would have rejoiced at a chance to throw Scarlett's misdeeds at her head, but it somehow seemed less important than helping this woman that had admittedly had a pretty rough time lately. Suellen could not even begin to imagine what it would be like to loose a child, she recoiled at the thought of loosing one of her own lovely daughters. And to top it up, it seemed like something had gone wrong between her sister and her handsome husband. Suellen had of course heard the gossip of Scarlett and Ashley, and had believed it, but she now realised that at least now, Scarlett was heartbroken, not because of Ashley but because of Rhett.
"What's the matter Scarlett, is it Rhett?" Suellen's voice broke the silence.
Startled Scarlett looked up, a mixture of conflicting emotions flashing over her face, and hardened as she took in her sister appearance. Why couldn't it have been Mammy, or any body but old hateful Suellen, probably only out here to wallow and gloat in Scarlett's misery.
"Oh Scarlett will you stop looking at me like that"
"You now I am not evil incarnated or any such things" Suellen added with a hint of mockery.
"Did you ever stop to think that I actually feel for you" She continued with a look of real concern on her face, before Scarlett could open her mouth.
"Why?" Scarlett's face was guarded and filled with suspicion – anxiously awaiting her sister's next blow. She had tried being friendly and patient with Suellen since she had come back to Tara, but all of her good intentions had always been ruined by a hateful comment from her younger sister.
As Suellen didn't answer, Scarlett continued.
"What do you care? You've never cared for anything but yourself in your whole life, and has never been anything but mean and spiteful to me despite all I have done to you" Her voice held a hint of malice, that did not go unnoticed by her younger sister.
Suellen's face contorted into an angry grimace, her eyes glinting dangerously, but with a great effort she reined in her temper, that if not a match for her sisters, still had quite a spark to it.
"Will you stop it already, Scarlett?"
"I'm tired of this, this endless fighting and bickering" Suellens voice was flat and devoid of emotion.
"Don't you think we are getting a bit too old for this?"
Scarlett looked at her scrutinisingly, taking in every detail of Suellens expression, as if trying to see if any ulterior motives or hidden agenda where behind this sudden change of heart from her sister. Not finding any hint of deception there she continued.
"Why now" her voice as flat as that of her sister had been just before.
Suellen looked at her and sighed. She turned her head and let her eyes skim over the darkening lands of Tara. Silently she dumped down next to Scarlett on the hanging swing chair. The night air was surprisingly warm and balmy for an evening this late in the year.
"I don't know" Suellens voice faded away.
"Aren't you tired of this endless fighting" She looked at Scarlett with a questioning look in her eyes.
As Scarlett did not respond Suellen continued hesitantly.
"You know I forgave you… you know, forgave you for marrying Frank a long time a go?"
Scarlett raised a sceptical eyebrow.
"I did Scarlett, I hated you, but then it just faded away… I know that isn't the impression I have given you but…" She paused
"but it is just that you always give me such a hard time, and your life always seemed so perfect that I felt like my only way was to keep on this resentment charade"
"but now… well I don't know, it just doesn't seem that important any more"
"Despite what everybody might think about him I love Will, and I love my life here at Tara, even if I sometimes miss the fancy parties and gown that seems to be your every day life.
She breathed deeply and then decided to continue
"Come now Scarlett say something, or has the cat go your tongue" reverting to her sarcastic way for a second, and the continued in her normal voice.
"Do you think we can do it, be friends, or if not friends then at least not at each others throats all the time"
Scarlett still didn't say anything, and for a moment Suellen bristled a bit at the silence but thought better of it and just let peace and quiet reign for a moment.
"Thank you" Scarlett's voice broke the silence just as Suellen was starting to think that it had been all for nothing.
"I'll gladly accept your white flag… this fighting is not as fun as it used to"
Scarlett paused, for a moment considering her words
"and I am sorry about Frank – but you know being married to him was not as fun as you perhaps dreamed of" A half smile crossed her face lighting up her eyes for just a second.
Suellen put an arm around Scarlett's hunched back and gave her a light squeeze. Scarlett leaned back a bit accepting her sister's awkward display of affection, surprised at how good it felt.
For the first time, in perhaps all of their life, or at least since their early youth – before the quest for beauxs and the war had torn them a part - they felt a small sense of union.
In that instant it felt like even if they lost everything else in their world, they would not be all alone, they would still have each other. A very comforting thought. It was naturally still a fragile truce, but at least it was there.
Knowing it would be a dangerous subject to broach Suellen weighed her next words very carefully.
"Scarlett, is everything alright with you and Rhett" Scared that she might have gone to far with her simple question, she hurridly added.
"Not that it is any of my business, but if… if you feel like having anyone to confide in… I am right here" She felt Scarlett stiffen next to her.
A multitude of thoughts flashed through Scarlett's mind – could she really trust her sister, or was it just a game. She believed Suellen's request for truce, and felt it was beyond even her scheming sister to first pledge friendship and forgiveness to turn against her the next moment. She decided that she did trust her.
But the second thing, and perhaps far more important was, did she really want to discuss this with anyone? Scarlett was so used to being strong and self reliant that the thought of charing her inner turmoil with her sister seemed utterly foreign. Sort of confiding in Mammy was not the same, Mammy was Mammy, and Scarlett knew that Mammy would always care for her no matter what. In a strange way it didn't really count as confiding in anyone to confide in Mammy just because she would always be loyal and not condemn Scarlett for her actions. She had recognised that she loved Mammy dearly, so it wasn't like it was just spilling her heart to an unimportant person. Oh, it was just so difficult to pinpoint the difference Scarlett thought with frustration. But different it was nevertheless.
Confiding in Suellen would mean to put trust in another human being outside of her control which seemed like a giant leap of faith.
And also, by confiding in someone who was more like her equal, in a sense made her misery more real. Also Suellen would definitely not be as understanding and accepting as Mammy.
Scarlett fiddled with the letter in her hands. Her eyes staring unseeing into the now dense darkness surrounding them outside their small bubble of comfort that were dimly lit by the light being let out from the curtained windows of the house.
Not wanting to disclose the full extent of the deteriorated state of her marriage, yet feeling the need to let out some of the frustration she had experienced after receiving the letter tonight. She all of a sudden felt that she wanted to let Suellen in at least part of the way so she started:
"I received a letter from Charleston to night"
"from Rhett" Suellen interjected, wanting to show that she was happy that Scarlett had accepted her offer of confidence.
"NO" The word had a very definite ring to it.
"no" Scarlett repeated a bit more calmly – she sighed.
"No, it wasn't from Rhett… It was from our dear aunts, they wanted to inform me of a party that my dear husband is hosting – and of course tell me of for not being by his side – they very subtly tells me that I am the talk of the town for not being the supporting wife after… after…" her voice broke audibly
"Well you know what I mean" she looked up hesitantly at Suellen's face searching for some sort of indication as to what her sister thought of her revelations. Though the words had been few, she knew that more could be deducted from in between the lines.
After a short pause she added.
"Well, the last part of the letter was a not so subtle hint that I should go to Charleston for the party or they would be utterly ruined by my disgraceful behaviour – petty old ladies. And in a way I want to go, but at the same time I don't – does it make sense" She concluded her monologue abruptly – not knowing if she had said to much or to little, not wanting to admit that the main thing holding her back was the fear of what she would find in Charleston.
--""""--
They had sat on the porch talking for quite some time, only interrupted by a startled Will that had come out to pick up what he had thought would be the bloody remnants of another cat fight between the war faring sisters, and had found them in peaceful conversation.
Their first truce had been fortified a little, grown stronger as they had let their conversation flow. They both knew that they would never be in complete unison on all topic or even most topics, but they both felt that their peace offering to each other was something valuable and worth preserving.
Suellen had with surprising insight understood the majority of what held back Scarlett from going to Charleston, making Scarlett wonder if they were perhaps more similar than she had ever given Suellen credit for. And she had discretely encouraged Scarlett to go.
On this note they had bid their goodnights and had retired.
Scarlett to her lonesome bed where she could give her thoughts free reins.
She was still greatly surprised at the turn of the evening's events. Who would have thought that a cream coloured envelope could cause such a stir?
Following that her mind flew on to the other major topic of the night, her sort of invitation to the ball, and her somewhat reluctant decision to go.
At this thought she felt her heart give an expectant lurk. Stupid heart. It would most likely be disappointed once again. She darkly conjured up an image of Rhett in deep intimate conversation with a beautiful Charleston lady, smiling his charming smile that was meant only for her. How dares he? Yes, she would most surely be disappointed, but she knew now, even as she had done before talking to Suellen about, no matter how reluctant she had been to admit it, that she would have to go. He pulled at her like a magnet and she knew she couldn't resist.
She needed to see him, to see if she would feel this overwhelmin love a strongly when she was once again face to face with the object of her admiration. Also this was a God send chance for her to work her charm on him - she had always been able to win over any man she wanted to if she just focused on it enough. And Rhett had been won over before, she could do it again. She was determined to succeed.