AN: This is a competition of sorts for you guys. Name EVERY song of the scene-cap titles AND main chapter title and you'll get your own cameo in this story. Unless you have a really screwed up mind like one of us that went crazy with this chapter when it came to scene names, we'll go with the person with the closest number right first if you can't figure them all out. Be sure to leave us a way to contact you OR your name or we'll never be able to fulfill our end of the bargain. Google WILL NOT help. Just something fun to keep you on your toes and amuse us in the process. (Sorry, being an anonymous type site, a cameo is the best we can do, it's lame but it's fun) Sadie is refusing any knowledge of what these songs are, she knows though she just won't admit the awesomeness she used to cry listening to one of them.
Oh, and this chapter? SO not work safe. I'm serious, it's a good read for being closed off by yourself but not in a room of people. I wouldn't recommend at work so don't say we didn't warn you. And we really suggest that you don't read this during a meeting, that will not go over well either. Imagine having to read whatever it is you are reading aloud to the "entire class."
Our EVER GROWING section of thank-yous. Our family of support and encouragement grows by the chapters because you guys are the best bunch of people we could ever want in our lives. Thank you to Shinata-Riyoko, this was a bitch to beta- WE KNOW and we're ultimately so very sorry. It was over 10,000 words. You have permission to murder us if we do this to you again. To SportsFan: You will never know how ETERNALLY grateful we are to you for all of your help and insight and encouragement. Trace: thank you so much for your input and taking family time to help us out. To Zoe for being our Queen Bee. To Gene for having to give up her cameo because she knows exactly where the songs came from and she's not allowed to guess. To My Mom and Dad for always supporting me. This award is for them too. Actually it's for us all, we couldn't have done any of this without you. (I might have consumed a little too much sugar at lunch.)
On that note: This is Sadie and Nic signing off. Goodnight and Good luck!
Chapter 11: Cuz when a bunny bee sees our enemies he reports to the Queen of the bunny bees and she sends out the bee bee bees to zing zing zing 'em. Then the enemies flee from the bees bees bees and Queen is pleased with the victories and she decrees the bunny bees should sing: Buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz. Buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz!
You Taste Like Glitter Mixed With Rock and Roll
Arizona's exit was the most heat either of them had felt in years and neither had played the martyr card, refraining from intimate relations while pining over their lost love. So here they were, sitting on the couch, barely inches apart, trying to figure out where to go next. Arizona looked intently at the note Cristina left on the coffee table telling them she'd taken Sofia to Barbara's and they'd be back later.
"I hate to ask, but I really don't want to leave until Sofia gets back so that I can say goodbye and it was hot as hell in that elevator, so would you mind if I freshened up a bit?" Arizona asked timidly.
"What?" Callie asked as innocently as possible being pulled from thoughts that were actually far from innocent at the moment. She was currently undressing Arizona with her mind and was interrupted just before she had Arizona's bra in a pile with the other clothes on the far corner of the floor. Blushing as those thoughts still assaulted her brain, Arizona repeated herself giving Callie a confused look. "Yeah, sure. You can use my bathroom for that. Cristina's stuff is all over the guest bathroom as you've already witnessed." Standing up, she reached out a hand as she watched a grimace of pain cross Arizona's features as she helped her up. Without another word they made their way through the bedroom, toward the bathroom, neither letting go of the light touching of hands. Callie noticed that Arizona's limp was more noticeable; hours stuck sitting on the floor had taken its toll. Callie knew that the shower was most likely to help ease the burn. The heat in the elevator would have caused swelling and therefore, the chaffing of her prosthetic. She had already protested to her offer to help, so this was the next best thing she could do for her.
Halfway to the bathroom, Arizona came to a halt and started laughing uncontrollably. "Calliope Torres has pink bed sheets? Are you kidding me? Do you really have pink sheets?" She stared at the unmade bed of bright, almost tie dye, pink.
"No!" Callie protested, but there was really no use when they were right there. "Well, yes. But Sofia did the laundry and they used to be white. Dry clean only AND the separating of darks and lights went right over her head. One of my red dresses and the bed sheets got the worst of it. Sofia can now fit the dress and pink tie dye is the new black?" Callie joked.
"You have pink sheets, who would have thought that would ever happen?" Arizona laughed, still focused on the idea that her ex-wife had pink bed sheets.
"You're paying an awful lot of attention to them, Arizona Robbins. Interested in intimately getting to know those sheets? I can leave you alone..." Callie choked on her tongue at the look Arizona was giving her. It was a joke. She meant it as Arizona and the sheets, but the smoldering look in Arizona's eyes caught her off guard.
"No. Don't go..." She whispered looking up at Callie, wrapping her hand around her forearm in an attempt to keep her from leaving.
Did Arizona further her reach in for her, did she reach for Arizona? That would forever remain a mystery. And one neither would quest to solve, because it didn't matter. All that mattered was how fast they discarded their clothes, jumping into bed, taking no time in simple pleasures. What was important here was completely bare, heated skin against the same. Wetness sliding between bodies in quick arousal. Fingers kneading deep into naked flesh. And those lips, neither ever wanted to forget the perfection made when mouths met, only meant for the other to taste.
Having moved to the bed, Callie traced her hands down Arizona's back, cupping her ass, before moving down muscular thighs. This was better than any dream. Being in Arizona's arms was intoxicating; there was no better high in life.
But the tension grew so thick, a bone-saw was needed to cut through it, as Arizona pushed Callie off of her, scooting back from the other woman. Callie looked wounded.
"What, what were you doing?" Arizona stuttered.
"Touching you?" Callie answered in question, looking completely confused.
"Touching me where?"
Callie didn't understand and only looked at Arizona with that confusion. There were reasons Callie didn't understand and that only seemed to anger Arizona even more.
"Damn it, Callie, where were your hands?" Arizona growled.
"On your …" The passion sizzled out leaving Callie empty all over again.
"Legs." Arizona barked, not letting Callie finish.
"So?" Callie couldn't help but wonder why it was any deal at all, big or small.
"So there are parts of me that are off limits!"
And that sobered Callie up. "Really Arizona?" She shook her head. "Over five years later and I still can't have all of you? God, I'm so stupid!"
"Has your sex with complete people made you forget there's not all of me to have?" Arizona snapped.
"That's not fair! You… you can't use them against me. We are divorced. That's a low blow and it's not fair."
Realizing she was picking an irrelevant fight, Arizona changed tactics to the truth of the matter. "What's not fair is you touching me where I don't want to be touched!"
Callie shook her head, taking a calming breath she counted to ten. "I don't see you as Arizona Robbins, one leg. I never did. In bed. Out of bed, you are just you, perfect the way you are." Callie hated that they were back here, again.
"I was perfect until …" Arizona slapped her hand over her mouth. No! Those words were not going to leave her lips. NO!
"Until I cut off your leg." Callie finished for her in a whisper before her anger came spiralling forth. "Did I cut out your heart with it, Arizona? Is that what happened? According to you, before I was there out obligation so please, tell me my excuse this time. I'm dying to know what it is I'm thinking."
Arizona said nothing, ashamed this was the path she had chosen to clear the air.
"Other people can touch you, have you, but me. I know you haven't been celibate over the years, hell, your wandering hands are why we're here in the first place, so what is it about me?" Callie was on a roll.
"I love you. I always did and always will, but I can't go back to this unhealthy place. I don't even think it's about you being enough of a person with your lack of leg, this is about me not being enough for you. I never was. I was a nice interim for you. I was good for your ego, taming the hospital whore. I can't do this, I want all of you, missing limbs and all, because that's what makes you whole." Arizona's insecurities pushed Callie's right to the surface, exploding in a frenzy of fear and misunderstandings. "I'm such an idiot. Always did push you. Did you ever love me? Because the first chance you got, you threw me aside. I wasn't easy to love, I get that, but neither… neither were you. But I never stopped. This is my fault. I pushed and pushed and pushed you away. But I didn't know what to do. You couldn't look at me without seeing the woman that cut off your leg and ruined your life. I tried. I can't do this. I can't go back to feeling this way." Callie was crying, she'd moved away from Arizona's naked body, still able to feel the heat even with the distance between them. She just wanted to disappear; she didn't want Arizona to see her this way, to know she still had the ability to cut Callie off at the knees. Panic and anxiety filled Callie until she was sucking in deep breaths of air, trying to breathe; her knees pulled tight up into her chest as she sobbed.
"Then or now?" Arizona finally found the courage to speak.
"What?" Callie looked behind her, the desperation in those three words bringing her out of her manic attack.
"Then or now? What is it about you then or now that makes this so hard? Which answer do you want?" Arizona felt helpless watching Callie fall apart, knowing she was the reason behind it, again. But she wasn't going to lose her. She couldn't and that meant being honest. Talking. Communicating. Being vulnerable.
Callie said nothing. She wasn't sure she wanted answers, because how much lower could she possibly fall? Wasn't putting herself here, back in this situation, opening herself up to the one person born with the ability to completely destroy her, letting that person once again call the shots with never her interest at heart, wasn't that rock bottom already?
"Six years ago, all I could see was the woman that cut off my leg. I was afraid to let her love me, let you love me because if you couldn't, you not only took my leg, but my heart too. So I pushed you away. I didn't want to risk it. Boswell was… it doesn't matter any longer because she did the job for me."
Callie sobbed harder at the mention of her name. Both of their hearts just shattering.
"Cheating on you, Callie was the biggest mistake of my life and I couldn't admit it because I was too proud. I am so sorry. I broke both of our hearts and I never ever meant to hurt you." Arizona eased herself slightly closer to Callie, wanting nothing more than to take her in her arms and make the pain stop, but they had to finish this or they'd never stop hurting each other. She couldn't go back to the silence between them, if anything, they were going to walk away from this as friends. If she couldn't have her wife back, she was going to have her friend back.
"But you did. You destroyed me." Callie admitted. She never let Arizona know just how bad it was, because Callie wasn't ever going to let Arizona in again; never let her have any ability to hurt her again. So Callie held her head up high, she refused counselling because that would only reopen the door to her heart, and she sealed that shit shut. With industrial strength construction worker's glue.
The words echoed in the room. "I know." Arizona whispered.
"I can't go back to that place, Arizona. I can't worry that you're always looking elsewhere for something better, someone not me, someone that didn't cut off your leg."
"I won't. I wouldn't." Arizona argued.
"But you won't even let me touch you!" Callie screamed, her fuse blowing.
"Because I'm afraid." Arizona screamed back admitting her own vulnerability.
Silence followed as both women calmed down, screaming and yelling wasn't going to get them anywhere right now, again.
"I don't care about the leg." Callie was telling the truth. It was just another part of the woman she loved.
"But I do." Arizona moved to sit on the edge of the bed, inches apart from Callie. "I do, because I'm terrified that you… that it will remind you of who I was and what I did." Arizona looked up, catching the confusion in Callie's eyes.
"What?"
"My leg got us here. Not the leg, but it's a damn obvious reminder. It brought out the worst in us. It's a physical wound of that. And I need you to trust me and that…" Arizona motioned down to her residual limb and, although her anger and disgust at it had vanished years ago, it's meaning in the here and now still brought pain along with it. "That just screams, my wife cheated on me. You can't get away from it, Callie."
"Wounds heal." Callie whispered. Lord, she knew how hard it was for them to heal, but they did and she knew the leg was just an analogy for them anyway.
"And they leave awful scars, blatant reminders behind."
"Those scars can make you stronger, Arizona." There was a confidence in Callie's voice that'd been lacking for far too long. "I forgive you." She looked deep into Arizona's eyes willing the other woman to believe her words.
Broken and defeated, Arizona closed her eyes succumbing to her own tears. "But you left me."
"Yeah, I did, because you walked away first, and I was tired of chasing you. I came out here, I healed myself, and I forgave you." As the words came out, she realized after all this time denying it, she really had forgiven Arizona. It was just that seeing her again brought all those bitter feelings to the surface, but they were irrelevant because in the end, at the end of the day, she had no reason any longer to do anything but forgive her ex-wife. She didn't know any different, it's the way she was raised. "Your leg, it's just who you are. The only reminder I see when I look at it, is that life is fragile, and everything you love can be taken from you in the blink of an eye, so laugh too hard, cry, dance, live and love. Love with everything you have in you, because you can't take things for granted. I forgave you, but can you say the same of me?" Callie asked honestly. While she could move on from Arizona's decisions, the drastic changes it brought about in her life, Arizona could never escape, not a single moment in her day, the decisions Callie had to make. Was forgiveness even an option for her?
Arizona nodded, her tears falling too hard to form words.
"Really? Because all this, our divorce, your disability, it was my call. I knew cutting off your leg was probably goodbye, but I took a chance anyway."
"If you had to do it all over again, would you, knowing we'd end up like this?" Arizona needed to know.
"Yes." Callie didn't have to think twice.
"Why?"
"Because I loved you too much to let you die. You deserved a chance to live, even without me." Daring the gods or Arizona or herself, Callie didn't know, but she placed a gentle hand on Arizona's upper leg.
Arizona looked down; the sincerity of the touch didn't go unnoticed. Looking up, she placed her own hand over Callie's. "I don't like living without you." She admitted.
"Do you love me?" Did you stop?
Arizona nodded, if only Callie knew just how much. Callie risked Arizona's love to save her life and Arizona risked losing Callie forever to save hers. Double. Edged. Sword.
Callie hated being vulnerable. She hated being weak. She hated that Arizona brought out both of those in her, and what she hated most of all was the doubts making themselves known deep inside. "I don't know what to do or where to go from here, Arizona. We are so bad for each other." It's not that she didn't want this, but that she was terrified of this.
Arizona squeezed Callie's hand, still on her leg. "Then let's work on being good for each other."
"How?" Callie wiped at her tears. "I just don't see how…"
Arizona looked at her saying nothing. It all fell into place. They were done talking and it was time to put their words into actions. They both needed more, needed proof, needed hope. Taking Callie's hand, she laid her back down on the bed, covering her body with her own. Reaching for Callie's hand, she reached behind, placing it on her upper thigh. Callie's hand shook. Pressing down, her heated center coming into contact with Callie's, nails dug deep into her thigh as Callie's body arched under the pleasurable contact.
Callie didn't know of anything else that existed outside of them. Wounds healed over time, they slowly turned to scar tissue. Hardening, thickening of the once open, exposed, raw, vulnerability. Sometimes the poison of the infection trapping inside, spreading recklessly throughout the host, but more often, the only lasting memory, the only remaining reminder is the scar. But while the damage is done, we don't have to hold onto it. We can beat the beast. They beat the beast. Poison, that for so long coursed through their bodies, was no longer in control. It was no longer even there, any evidence of it.
Slowly connecting, words no longer needed. They'd said all that needed to be spoken now, heard the truth of words so long in the lacking, tore down walls built of more than mortar but secured with titanium, and most importantly, the longest in the making, they opened themselves up to love and to be loved. By each other. Fully. Completely. Uninhibitedly. Unhindered.
Arizona felt a heel massaging the muscle of her calf, spurring her on. Callie's hands roamed tacky skin, unable to settle in one place. Pulling at her shoulders, a desperate grip, brown eyes boring into her own, and void of pain, but instead filled with a love Arizona never let herself dream of being on the receiving end of again.
Lowering herself flush against Callie, they moved in tandem with each other. Wet, slick heat riding against the same arousal. Their connection, one of a whole entity, completing the missing pieces of the other.
This wasn't a dream. It hurt too good to be a dream. And as Arizona rode harder, their swollen extended clits bringing each other to the brink, tears found their way down Callie's cheeks. Arizona's mingling with them.
Speed wasn't a factor, release not their goal. They were simply two people reconnecting, their act one of pure love for the other.
Callie broke first, sobs escaping with her heart's release of bitterness and pain. Her peaking seeking a deeper connection, a stronger bond. A scar to seal everything else behind. Gripping tightly to the muscular thighs above her, she used her hips, urging Arizona's completion with her own body, safely bringing her into the place of no return.
When they could handle no more, they remained in each other's arms, fingertips tracing patterns on heated flesh, hearts racing against the others. The silence, once full of uncertainty, vulnerability, and fear, was now filled with trust and immeasurable love.
Rolling Arizona to the side, sleepy blue eyes looked up at Callie with unspoken questioning. Before she could voice her thoughts, Callie's mouth began placing warm kisses all over Arizona's body. Behind Arizona's ear, nipping gently at the flesh evoking strangled moans, much louder than before. That was about making love, this was about showing love. Capturing a deep pink, pebbled nipple between her lips, Callie gently bit down, strangled moans turning into throaty releases of arousal and pleasure. She was in control here, Arizona helpless in her hands. But helpless didn't come with the hopelessness it had for so long; it was about trust. Giving and receiving.
Clenching and unclenching her fists, Arizona's strangled moans of anticipation grew as Callie descended down her body. Her legs shook dramatically with built up arousal as Callie's attention returned back to Arizona's chest, sucking first one pert nipple into her mouth into her mouth, and then the other, switching back and forth, unable to decide which one to give her full attention. Callie's fingers traced swirling patterns down Arizona's stomach, stopping only to momentarily cup Arizona's heated wetness, her hips jerking off the bed at the touch before continuing her voyage down, cupping Arizona's ass.
Kneeling now before Arizona's spread legs, Callie held her as if she were a chalice ready to be sipped like the finest of wines. Biting down one last time, sucking hard on the nipple, Arizona's hands tangled in Callie's hair pushing her to further her trek below. Short heated kisses upon her skin turned into a wet trail, Callie's tongue homing in on its beacon. Spreading out onto her stomach, Callie lifted Arizona from below, slowly trailing her tongue from top to bottom and back up, three times, with just the lightest of pressure. With Arizona's unadulterated moans urging her on, Callie settled comfortably between spread legs, but it wasn't enough. Scooting forward even more, Callie shifted, using her upper body to wedge herself firmly under Arizona's legs, tossing them over her shoulders in the process. Within seconds of Arizona's thighs hitting her head, Callie dove in, gripping tight to flexing muscles as she feasted. Trembling thighs, Arizona's throaty moans, the slightest pulling of Callie's hair was a table set for a queen, and Callie's tongue plunged deep into Arizona's wet depths, satisfied as the moans gave way to broken pleas, begging Callie for more.
Looking up, Callie couldn't help but smirk, her reaction to the sight above was to pull Arizona's clit deep into her mouth, sucking and nibbling, flicking rhythmically at the throbbing nerve. Keeping her eyes on Arizona's own reactions, she watched her uninhibitedly pulling at her own nipples, pinching and rolling them between her fingers. It was a moment of victory for Callie; Arizona was a goner. Years ago, almost another lifetime for the pair, the first time Callie witnessed Arizona so lost in the throes of passion that she played with herself while Callie pleasured her, it had become a defining moment for them. They'd been together for months and Arizona had never dared such a thing, it was hot. Later when Callie questioned her, she admitted with slight embarrassment that only when she was truly comfortable with her partner, with no fear of judgement did she full let herself go like that. Letting herself go meant being completely, uninhibitedly enjoying every aspect of intimacy and giving that to her lover.
As Arizona's head thrashed, her eyes squeezed shut, silent gasping screams now replacing any and all sounds, Callie realized how close her lover was to falling. Unable to look away from the scene before her, captivated by Arizona's raw need, Callie continued her attention of Arizona's clit, working two fingers deep inside. Within moments, Arizona was already squeezing tight, her hips rising in a desperate attempt to deepen Callie's touch.
"Oh Callie. Callie. Callie." Arizona cried out as her entire body tensed, vibrating in trembles, before shaking uncontrollably as the waves rolled over. She was pulling at her nipples, strangled cries erupting from her open mouth, tears rolling down the sides of her face, her hips frozen inches off the bed before collapsing completely melting into the mattress. Chills cooling the fire of her flesh as she could only moan.
I Know What You Mean, I Felt The Same Way Too; I Wanna Get Back Home Again, Just As Much As You
Seconds. Minutes. Hours. Days. Weeks. Months could have come and gone, but Arizona lost all concept of time, waiting for feeling to return to her limbs, her heart to stop racing, her brain to return from it's now putty state.
Finally feeling weight upon her thighs, Arizona opened her eyes to see Callie with the biggest, smug grin pasted on her face staring back at her. She was propped up just slightly, lying with her arms spread over Arizona's thighs, her clasped hands elevating her chin and head above her body.
"What?"
"Nothing." Callie just couldn't contain her smile; satisfaction emanated from every pore.
Blushing, Arizona bit her bottom lip trying to find the right words, but fell short. Callie watched the change in her eyes; there was confusion, with a bit of sadness, fighting with the distinct look of contentment.
"You don't, we don't have to talk about this." Callie cleared her throat, fighting back down her own inner demons as she spoke the words that held no truth behind them.
Arizona shook her head, tears now welling in her eyes. "Isn't that our biggest problem?"
I thought it was that you slept around on me. The retort died on her tongue as she looked up. It was the past, and the only reason bitterness now held any hold on her was because they'd dredged up the past and Callie once again had to grieve. Or for the first time, grieve. She'd never given herself that chance and now, after what they'd just shared, her reminder of her loss, Callie was at a loss on how to rein it all back in.
"Come here." Arizona reached down, gently pulling Callie.
Letting herself be pulled into Arizona's arms, tears fell against her will as she curled into a ball. Vulnerability didn't bring shame with it, for either of them. It was a time for both of them to completely drop false pretenses with themselves, with each other, with the rest of the world and embrace what made them both strong and weak.
Callie cried hard, shedding the pain of the past and giving freedom to them both. It was a moment to celebrate how far they'd come, but they first needed to know where they were going.
"What next?" Timidly, Arizona journeyed down the path of no return.
"I live in Pennsylvania." Callie whispered.
"And I live in Washington." Arizona shrugged knowing that wasn't a big deal at all because ...
"You don't do long distance relationships." Callie sniffed.
Arizona chuckled lightly, shifting until they were eye to eye. "I already have one with my daughter." She said easily.
Callie closed her eyes, tears falling again with the guilt that statement brought.
"Hey. Hey. That wasn't a cut at you. I'm just pointing out that I too have grown. That idea is not off the table, okay. If you'd let me ..." She explained before getting cut off.
Cautiously, Callie opened her eyes, "Do we have to decide now?" She asked before Arizona could finish. They still had a lot to discuss, to think about separately too.
"No, not now." Arizona wrapped her lover further into her arms as they settled silently into each other into the bed. "We'll talk about that later, but we have things to really talk about later, okay?" She kissed Callie's forehead as they drifted off to sleep.
How I Wish That We Could Fly Away, Oh Ramie
They must have slept for a couple of hours as Arizona turned over and realized the power to the building was back on again. The blinking light from the alarm clock next to Callie's bed read that it was 2:09 a.m. although she knew that wasn't the case, but that did mean they had at least two hours and ten minutes of sleep at the very least. Two hours and ten wonderful minutes of sleep.
Briefly looking to her side, she saw Callie still sound asleep in what Arizona always felt was the most uncomfortable position, her head falling off of the pillow, mouth wide open, her back firmly against the mattress, but her hips edging slightly onto her side. The woman had slept that way for years and it always made Arizona's bones hurt just looking at her. But aside from the hurt in her bones, her heart too felt serious pain. It was a feeling she'd lacked understanding for so long. Arizona Robbins' heart was full. The brokenness that had plagued her was now well on it's way to mending, compliments of one Callie Torres. And what hurt her heart the most, was that over five years ago, had she just stepped out of her pity-party for a few minutes and accepted Callie's numerous attempts, that maybe they would have survived the storm that night. Maybe they would have had a chance regardless of every storm that they had found themselves in the middle of since the plane crashed in the woods and Arizona returned barely a memory of herself. She had never given Callie the chance to fix her; at least not the parts of her that mattered most in the end. Arizona had laid down unrealistic demands that never had any chance of being met. She fought back ten times harder than Callie pushed and Callie had pushed with all she had in her. And once Arizona had lost control, because in her reality, the end was the culmination of a year without it, something that she felt was the only thing that made her who she was, she grasped at every opportunity to take it back. She had thought her Achilles heel had destroyed her, because for certain it had been her downfall. And a far fall that was too. But she just got back up. Maybe it took some time, too much time, but Arizona got back up.
And here she was, lying again with the one woman that would forever hold her heart. Arizona was so full, she was overflowing. And so scared she was panicking inside and they'd yet even tackled what was interrupted in the elevator. She'd yet to come fully clean, but she would after the panic died down. Except she wasn't going to succumb to that; right now she was going to go grab a shower before their daughter happened to return and catch them. Not that either had anything to hide; this wasn't a mistake or regret, but it also wasn't something to bring up to their child before they even discussed what it all meant between them. And even once it had been sorted out, there was no way in hell Sofia was going to get hurt because of them, so that meant they had to have more than just a plan of action; they had to be ready to commit to a future. Okay, Arizona was ready to commit to a solid future with Callie, again. She'd faced her fears and triumphed and Callie was the reward. In her opinion. But they needed to talk and sort things out. They lived on separate coasts with separate lives. They had a lot to go through because somebody was going to have to give up more than the other, and as their past is witness of, that wasn't always easy; sometimes for them, it's a deal breaker. Giving up here, regardless of it even being an offer, a solid want, was going to cause strife. She wasn't certain how it was going to be viewed, a plea, a manipulation, a very real plan of action? But she was ready to tackle that and ready for the outcome.
Arizona thought for another few minutes, staring intensely at the sleeping form next to her. Maybe it wouldn't be such a deal breaker for her, but what might be for Callie, was having to ask Arizona to come home. It came down to that, Callie needed to need her to come home. Because home for her was not an address registered in her name, not where she made her bed or her mail went; home for Arizona Robbins was where her family was, which is why for five years now, her heart had just been barely afloat, drifting out at sea. Cheesy. She was getting cheesy and she loved that Callie could bring out that side of her. She leaned down and placed a light kiss on Callie's chin before scooting out and heading for the shower.
Run, Run, Run, Otis Lee
Callie opened her eyes once she heard the shower for a full five minutes. She knew Arizona never took short showers, especially since the accident, which required a lot more time in the shower, so that gave her plenty of time. Plenty of time to get changed, make herself look like she didn't just have sex, and to sneak the fuck out of her own house. Juvenile, she knew, chicken, pathetic, but she just couldn't face Arizona right now. Not when her mind was going crazy and not a single thought would settle enough for her to figure things out. She never was good at sorting her own head by herself; that was Mark's job. From torturing her ex-husband with the most ridiculous hospital jobs, to picking her up when Erica fled to putting her back together when Arizona bailed, Mark was Callie's right hand man. Years later, Toby had filled that vacant spot she was certain she was never going to fill again. And god did she need Toby right now. At least Arizona didn't need to worry about them fucking, which was always Callie's fall back when things went south. She fucked to get people out of her head, she fucked to let them back; oh god, she just fucked Arizona. What did she do? Throwing on the last of her clothes, she quickly pulled her hair back into a ponytail and ran for the door.
"Well well well, lookie who just screwed her ex-wife." Toby answered the door with a knowing smirk.
"What?" Callie scoffed.
"You didn't even wash your face." He gasped, and then laughed when she covered her mouth in horror. "Go clean up, I'll get the coffee." He sung as he sidestepped to let her by and jumped back further when she went to hug him. "Oh hell no honey, wash your damn hands too. I know EXACTLY where they've been." He laughed as she stormed off.
Watching the sheepish woman slink back into the room and dump her sullen frame on the sofa across from where he was sitting, Toby perked up and scooted forward to the edge of seat, looking excitedly at her, as he waited for the gossip. When nothing came forth willingly, Toby huffed. "Callie, come on, you obviously came over here in the middle of the morning to talk to me, so talk or I'm leaving your ass there and going back to my comfortable bed." He waited another couple of minutes, looking at the dumbstruck woman, before he overemphasised getting to his feet.
"Middle of the morning? It's past dinnertime!" Callie looked at him as if he had two heads.
"Middle of my morning, okay? I've only been up for a matter of hours therefore it's still morning in my book. Now are you going to talk to me or continue to deflect and I'm going to go back to bed?" He started to get up knowing he only had to act the part, not be the part.
"Wait...please!" Callie finally moved, picking up the coffee he had placed on the table before her. Taking a sip, she almost spat it back out as she wasn't expecting the taste. "What the hell is in that shit?" Callie wiped the cream from her top lip.
"Oh it's an Irish Coffee! Its lovely." Toby took a drink of his and quickly shook his head and sucked his lip in. "Hmmm okay, might have put a little too much whisky in it, but I thought we deserved the extra shot. We're celebrating, aren't we? So keep drinking, you'll soon not be able to taste it." Toby took another drink of the liquid, which resulted with the same reaction as the first taste. "So?" Slurping another gulp of the hot liquid before putting it in front of him, he crossed his legs. "So you slept with The Ex did you? Come on, spill all the naughty details, I have to live vicariously through your sex life as mine is completely lacking, so come on Callie, tell me don't make me beg." Toby's big blue eyes pleading with the woman to give him something.
"Oh God Toby! What have I gone and done? This is so messed up." All Toby could see was wide eyes, coloured with panic, as she held her trembling hand over her mouth.
"I was expecting it, to be honest Callie. I knew you would. You were always drawn to her. You have a habit of doing things in the spur of the moment. Normally it's something that will come hurtling from your mouth...but this, you sleeping with Arizona, is not a shock to me. What's a shock is your reaction. Was it angry 'break your va-jay-jay' sex?" Toby bit his lip, trying to keep his laughter in. Callie's eyes shot even wider, he didn't think possible, but they did...bunny in the headlights.
"NO! God, why do I even talk to you?"
"Because you love me. Now stop delaying and spill, what's got you so wound up? It can't be just that you slept with her. Was it bad? After all this time, you realized she was bad in the sack, but love was blinding you so you didn't see it before? Oh my, does she have some new kinks that you didn't know about? Did she want you to dangle from the ceiling while she spanked you?" He smirked, rolling out into full laughter as the horror on her face became overwhelming.
"Oh My God. What is your problem? Did your mother drop you on your fucking head one too many times? The sex was fine. It was good." She shook her head and smiled thinking about it. "It was the best sex I've ever had, but it's always been that way with her. But that's not the point. I don't know Toby. It's everything. We got stuck in the damn elevator together, just us. And we fought like crazy. I said some things that have been annoying me for years, we got out some stuff that we needed too. The elevator was stuck between floors, and she wouldn't get up off the floor, and so I was joking with her, and we just, I don't know it just felt like us, old us. And it was easy. I told her to get up and when she refused, I told her she didn't want John seeing her pee the floor." Callie had gone into a full Spanish ramble until she stopped in horror when her own words soaked into her brain.
"Callie? What's wrong?" Toby looked confused as she looked mortified.
"Oh fuck, it was a joke! I can't believe I was so stupid. She never said. How could I be so insensitive? Toby, what have I done?" Callie looked as though she was going to burst into tears again.
"Well if you tell me what it is that has you nearly hyperventilating, then I can give it my best girlfriend speech." Toby smiled as he tried to find out what had Callie completely gravitate from her story.
"Back at the beginning, after the crash. She had tried to make it to the toilet by herself, and when I found her, she was sitting on the floor. She hadn't made it in time and it all came back to me doing that to her. I cut off her leg. And now I'm an insensitive jerk because I just teased her about peeing the god damn floor!" Callie began to hit her clenched fist against her forehead in frustration.
"Callie stop!" Toby grabbed Callie's hands and stopped her, looking straight into her eyes. "Did Arizona say anything about your less than stellar moment?"
"No." She shook her head.
"But she had no problem telling you every other thing you'd done wrong while you two were in the elevator, right?" He pointed out the obvious.
"She was pretty clear on her feelings."
"Callie, take a deep breath. Think about it. Maybe, just maybe, she's over it? Maybe she doesn't automatically assume everything that comes out of your mouth is with evil intent. Maybe she knows there was a joke in there, and maybe it was very distasteful on your behalf, but she knows there was no harm. She works with kids, I'm sure she's heard worse over the years. Stop beating yourself up over things you can't control. Now will you please get out of this pity-party bullshit and tell me the juicy-moist gossip already?"
"You're a pain in my ass." Callie laughed at his sincerity.
"I want sex, now give it to me! Now."
Callie blushed, the memory of Arizona right in front of her face, burned into her retinas, was as fresh as if it had happened only moments ago. Watching the blush, Toby prodded further. "What? What? What's got you all hot and bothered? Did you fuck her against the elevator wall? Share! Share!"
"You are such a pervert. No I didn't fuck her in the elevator. For crying out loud, Toby, I was helping her lift up out of the elevator." She blushed even harder. "TOBY HER GROIN WAS RIGHT IN MY FACE! And yes, maybe I just wanted to fuck her right then and there. Lust clouded my judgement, but it felt so good being in her arms again. Everything just melted and, oh god, how I missed the feeling of her skin under my fingertips. Then she freaked because I touched her leg...Which believe me was a complete mood killer, except we talked. Like, genuinely talked, about fears and feelings and opened doors I thought were sealed shut. Arizona never shared anything before, maybe time has healed that part of her. Maybe time has healed that part of both of us." Callie took a break to take another drink of the strong coffee, she didn't like it much, but it was wet and her throat was drier than the Sahara Desert. "It wasn't angry or rushed. There was no 'va-jay-jay breaking' as you so eloquently put it. We made love, I was lost in the moment, lost in her touch. It felt right, we fit together perfectly. I never thought I would ever feel like that again." Callie wiped tears from her cheeks as she watched as Toby gave her a sympathetic smile, he knew that she never felt that with Tony.
"So you didn't fuck her in the elevator?" Toby looked on confused trying to add a little light to what he knew was going to be a heavy conversation.
"Yes, I mean no. I mean arghhh. Damn it. No, we weren't in the elevator. Pay attention. Your little head is clouding your ability to really listen to what I'm saying with your big head. We were out of the elevator. She wanted to go for a shower and was teasing me about my pink sheets, compliments of Sofia's hazardous washing habits. I made a dumbass comment about wanting to be left alone with them and things just progressed from there. We made love and it was great, and everything felt right and awesome and like nothing was ever wrong with us. And then, as I was...enjoying myself making her feel everything she had missed about me, when I was finished, all I could think that we just fucked everything up. I couldn't shake that feeling. We, we can't be doing this. We barely talked before and now let's add this hot pink elephant to the mix. Its just, I don't know...What am I doing? I can forget she cheated, I can. I've moved past that, but we, she lives in Seattle for fucks sake, and I live here, and we can't forget Sofia in this mess. And she doesn't even love me. We sure as hell don't trust each other. What did we just do? How can I look at her without her being able to read it all over my face? She's going to know. She's going to know that I am still in love with her, after everything, through everything, and then she's going to go home and my heart, what's left of it, is just going to disappear. She's going to go home and leave me again. I can't do that. I can't stand back and watch the rest of my world walk out of the door... but it's Arizona, you know? I can't ... I can't do this."
Toby got up from his position and joined the now sobbing woman, taking her in his arms, he sat silent for a few moments just letting Callie let out whatever it was that was terrifying her. When he felt her sobbing calm and he felt her breathing relax in his embrace, he kissed her forehead, before tipping her chin upwards so that she was looking into her eyes. He could see the battle she was fighting just beneath. Her love for Arizona versus that dark shadow of infidelity even if she didn't want to admit it. Her fear of letting Arizona in again. Her fear of asking anything of the woman that would ultimately break her. Callie was, in simple terms, afraid...
"Callie, I know you're scared. I know this frightens you. You knew that, in your heart, you will always love Arizona, and the fact that you have clearly stayed away from your ex up until now shows me that you couldn't trust yourself. I know you. You talk to me about everything, I know this isn't just about her leaving. What's really going on?"
"I'm scared to let her back into my life. I'm scared to ask her back into my life. I'm scared... we can't do this a country apart, but if I ask her to move here, and if she says no... I don't think I can handle that. And then there's the simple part, I knew the last time I let Arizona Robbins back in my life, that I was a hundred per cent certain she would break me. Arizona can destroy me, it's taken me how many years just to get back into some sort of relationship? I love Tony, but she never had all of my heart, I would never open myself up to that again. Arizona though, she has my heart no matter what. I didn't want to go, she made me go. I needed time to be angry with her, she took that away and replaced it with hate, and she broke my trust, Toby. She broke it. But here I am, wanting to trust her anyway. Am I a fool? I feel like a fool!"
Toby took her hands, kissing her knuckles, nibbling on the last one until he got a smile out of her. "That's my girl! I love your smile, you know that, right? It's one of the most beautiful things about you. Aside from your heart and your personality and your killer body for an old lady!"
"Hey!" She couldn't help but smile. "You're older than me."
"I aged with grace and beauty thank you very much. Callie-Sweetie, you gave her your body, and you already gave her your heart. They both go hand in hand for you where that woman is concerned. You now just have to trust yourself that you are doing the right thing. When's the last time you trusted Callie?" He asked.
"Do you regret marrying Arizona Robbins?" He pushed harder when she started shutting down.
"No." She barely whispered.
"Even after she broke your heart?"
"No."
"I can't hear you. What'd you say?"
"No. I don't regret Arizona." She pushed herself to admit aloud.
"You two have a beautiful daughter together and, while a tumultuous past, one that has helped form you into my best friend. A woman I love very dearly, a mommy that Sofia loves more than the world, and hell, it's helped..." he finished off with a mumble.
"What?" She laughed hearing him even under his breath.
"It's made you the best ortho surgeon I've ever met." He repeated, feeling better, seeing the true glimmer of hope back in her eyes. "But I'm still better, just remember that. I'll deny ever saying it." He knew she just needed some reminding. Some time to get it off her chest. And some time to cool down. Toby was that friend, giving her what she needed, but then kicking her out and sending her on her way.
"Thank you so much." Callie held on tight as she cuddled him. She was starting to zone out, lost in the embrace until she caught the time on the clock above his mantle. "Fuck, I ran out. She was in the shower. Fuck. She's going to kill me. Fuck and shit."
"Get out of my house and go home. I was about to send you there anyway. Go." He stood up shooing her out the door. "Go! Thank me later with a hot stud-muffin to play house with." He laughed, picking up her mug and downing the really strong alcohol with a touch of coffee, but smiling at the burn. Just what he needed to start his day off from work. That and a good shower with thoughts of a stud-muffin to play house with. Feeling the twitch between his legs, he skipped to the shower.
Then The Enemy Flees From The Bee Bee Bees ...
Arizona stormed around Callie's bedroom throwing clothes, making the bed, and then unmaking it again in a show of anger and frustration. Over and over again she did this. To say she was pissed was an understatement. She was LIVID! How dare Callie do this to her. She fucking took off. Without so much as even a note. And she left Arizona there, in her own damn house, in the bedroom where they'd just made love, just found each other again. Except when she came out of the shower, Callie was gone. Her purse, her phone, everything. And to make matters worse, her clothes smelled like stale elevator air with a hint of arousal, and there was no way in hell she was putting them back on. But she wasn't going to put on Callie's clothes either. Sofia's weren't even in question and that left Cristina's luggage, but Arizona was too pissed to rummage through the less than neat suitcase for something she even wanted to wear. So that left her here, pacing, in her damn towel, waiting for Callie to return. If Callie even returned. And she better return, because she had things to say to her ex-wife. Lots of things. She had, no she needed, to explain things, but Callie bailed. Callie bailed this time, and for the first time, she knew exactly what it felt like to be on the receiving end. And it sucked. A lot. But as mad as she was, she was still going to say her piece. And make her peace. Callie wasn't getting away without hearing what Arizona had to say. And while she didn't know exactly what it was that she was going to say, she did know she was going to murder her ex-wife for making her feel this way. She was one hundred percent certain of that.
Hearing the door open, Arizona smirked. Dropping her towel, she was going to first show Callie what she had given up, remind her in full disclosure just what she'd never touch again.
"HOLY SHIT!" Cristina came through the bedroom door, her first instinct to cover her eyes, but instead her parenting survival instinct took over and she shoved Sofia out of the bedroom door before she could cross the threshold.
"My eyes. My eyes. Somebody get me some bleach." She moaned, body blocking the door as Arizona scrambled desperately to cover herself again.
"Oh. My. God. I thought you were Calliope." Arizona squeaked, completely mortified.
"I sure as hell hope that's not how you planned on greeting me. And never again. I think you scarred me for you ever get any sun? My retinas might have burned off from your full moon's glare." Cristina exaggeratingly wailed, waiting until Arizona had her towel securely wrapped around her before letting Sofia back in, who was fighting desperately behind her to enter the room and find out what all the growling and fuss was about.
"Oh gross, Mama!" She shook her head at her mom's lack of dress. "Where's Mommy?" Sofia huffed, crossing her arms.
"I don't know." Arizona looked down at her feet feeling immeasurable anger and shame.
"Why don't you have clothes on?" Sofia asked looking intently at her mother for answers. "In Mommy's house?"
"I uh, I was getting a shower." She was quick to answer.
Cristina chuckled. "Yeah, a shower my ass!"
"Cristina!"
"Hey, if it looks like a dinosaur and sounds like a dinosaur, I'm not going to call it a flipping donkey." She laughed as a pillow sailed through the air and out the door, past her head. "You throw like a girl."
"This is not the time, Cristina. Please." Arizona begged.
"Whatever. I'm just telling you that I'm not stupid." Cristina pointed out.
"Cristina!"
"Fine. Fine. Look, Little Doc here wants to talk to you guys. When's Callie getting back?" Cristina gently pushed her goddaughter toward her mother, feeling the young girl struggle back against her hand, as she hugged tight to her gruffy bear.
Sadness filled Arizona's face as she shrugged. "I don't know." She whispered.
"This really can't wait, I guess you can start without her." She pushed Sofia again toward Arizona, motioning for them both to the bed. "I should find somewhere else to be..."
Arizona looked up concerned, the look on Cristina's face worrisome. "I uh, I broke Callie's bottle of spa salt scrub in the shower. Could you?" She realized she might need Cristina's assistance in the near future as her daughter refused to come any closer than the far side of the bed, obviously upset with her.
"Yeah, sure." Cristina shrugged indifferently before disappearing.
Deafening silence filled the room at her departure until the shower started where Cristina was cleaning up her mess.
"Are you going to talk to me or do I have to read your mind?" Arizona teased hoping to get some footing on what was going on with her daughter.
"NO!" She crossed her arms, facing away from her mama. "I hate you." She choked on the words, making them as unbelievable to her mother as they were to her. She wanted to hate her moms, needed to, but it wasn't in her DNA to and that hurt just as much.
"Sofia, you don't mean that!" She didn't sound like she meant it, but it still hurt Arizona's heart more than anything she'd ever encountered in her entire life. Those three words were ones no parent ever wanted to hear. "I love you, so much."
"No you don't. You are a big fat liar."
"Sofia Robbin, if you have a problem with me, we are going to talk without calling each other names." She chastised. It didn't matter how upset they got at each other, Sofia knew better.
"You... you... you kissed someone else. You kissed her." Sofia emphasized kiss every time it came out of her mouth. It took Arizona no time at all to understand exactly what her daughter meant. Cuz kissing means you love each other for ever and ever and ever.
Arizona sighed, shaking her head and holding back the tears threatening to spill. This is why Cristina came to the elevator; not because she was concerned that Callie's neighbors could hear them, but because their daughter had heard them. "Come here." She watched her daughter shake her head and pull further back. It broke her heart but she knew the whys of it all and she couldn't say she blamed her. Sofia needed Arizona to come after her this time even if only closing the gap of a few inches. Those inches represented a monster of hurt. Reaching for Sofia's arm, she pulled her squirming daughter in closer. "Baby, please listen to me." She begged.
"Why?" Big, fat tears rolled down her cheeks. "Why didn't you love us enough?"
"Oh Sofia, I have never, ever stopped loving you. YOU are my entire world." She squeezed her daughter as tight as she could. "You always have been and you always will be." What was she supposed to tell her daughter anyway? That she didn't think of her or her wife when she made the worst possible decision of her entire life? That it wasn't until after, that she realized she'd lost her entire family and for what? For nothing!
"You kissed somebody else, Mama. You kissed her." Sofia sobbed harder, curling into Arizona's embrace. "That's why we don't get our happy ever after cuz you kissed someone, Mama." Her world was leveled by one simple word. Kissed. For Sofia, any ounce of trust was eliminated because to her, kissing meant forever.
"Baby, sometimes we do bad things, but it doesn't make us bad people. Even when you play pranks on our dates and even when they're really, super mean. We always love you, even if you are wrong." Arizona tried to explain, but instead proceeded to make things worse as her daughter started sobbing even harder.
"I only wanted you and mommy to be my family. I only wanted the princess and maiden to be happy ever after."
"Oh Sofia!" Arizona pulled her in even closer. "Do you know what makes Mommy and me happy?" She waited a beat until Sofia shook her head. "You. You do. You are our entire world and we'd be so unhappy if you weren't here."
"But you hate each other. You hate Mommy. And Mommy hates you."
Callie tiptoed silently through the door, easing it shut with a soft click. Relieved to hear the shower, she pulled off her shoes, making her way to her bedroom. She was going to slip back into bed and Arizona would be none the wiser. Counting her blessings, she walked through her bedroom door and froze.
"We don't hate each other, Baby." Arizona looked up at the new arrival, pain in her eyes before they turned into a stone-cold glare. "Do we, Calliope? Or is your new name, David Copperfield, 'now you see her, now you don't'?" She growled. Forgetting her daughter's presence and easily slipping back into old times. "Dine and dash, that's your new thing? What'd you come back for, forget your manners on your way out when you walked out with my dignity in your pocket?"
"Um, hi?" Callie nervously bit her lip, fully scared of the look of disdain on her ex-wife's face, regardless of it being warranted or not, and the look of pure heartbreak on her daughter's face, for what, she had no idea.
There's No One Here To Guide Us, But We Have The Strength Inside Us...