The gravel crunched under his rapid strides as he moved along the garden path. Fists curled. Face scrunched up in an angry scowl. He was oblivious to the beauty of the surroundings on this surprisingly warm December night, at the turn of a new year.
The only thing he could think of was the recent conversation he had had with his mother – scolding more like it – even if it had been done ever so politely.
Damn her, damn his interfering mother
Bloody interfering woman, if she hadn't been his mother… ooh how he would have loved coming up with all kinds of nasty names for her. Enjoying a chance to give his temper and sharp tongue a free rein, but even at his angriest he would never lose his temper enough to let it run wild when she was around. He was, even now, glad that he had been able to control it to the extend that he had, though at the time he had felt the strongest urge to let go and vent his frustration. Instead he had willed himself to leave before he had lost control, and said something he was sure to regret later.
Nevertheless bloody interfering female like all the rest of them.
What was it with women that they always felt like they had the right to meddle in other peoples business? Why couldn't she have left him alone? And by this she he was actually unclear as to whether he meant his mother or his wife.
Damn them, Damn them both to hell.
Worst part was that she was right, his damn mother had seen through him so clearly. But that didn't mean that he was altogether more pleased by her words.
He kicked the small stones in frustration, sending them flying in every direction.
Bloody interfering woman – and yet annoyingly in the right. He knew he had not treated Scarlett very well this evening. His subconscious had been painfully aware of that fact even as he had uttered the words and it nagged at him. Of course this only made it harder to have it thrown in his face by someone else. Even if that someone else was his beloved mother.
Damn her!
How dared she, she ought to have been on his side, a small voice that tried to redeem him to himself insisted. But he knew that was unfair. A toddler might expect unfaltering loyalty from his mother, but he had long since outgrown that right, and he knew that his mothers scolding had come from a loyal loving heart, even if she was no longer blind to his faults.
Mixed with his anger was also the shame of yet again having caused pain to his mother. She deserved a carefree life with only small worries, and yet again and again he kept avoiding the path that would ensure that at least she wouldn't have to worry about him.
You love her still his mother had said. Pronounced as a question, yet she had said it in away that made it sound more like she was stating an all too obvious fact.
And she was right, of course she was right.
How could he not love her still, his damned beautiful headstrong wife? An altogether different question was whether he was ready to admit it to her? To his Mother? To the world? To himself? So far he had acknowledged the fact that the feelings were still there, but there was a far cry between that acknowledgement and ACTUALLY admitting love.
Admitting it would mean going back to the life he had run away from not so long ago. Facing all the memories. Living with the ghosts of the past.
He involuntarily shuddered at the mere thought.
He wasn't sure that he was ready to do that yet.
Oh it was hopeless. He was in a pinch.
He knew that he wanted Scarlett but he also knew he wasn't ready to give into her yet – knowing that it would surely only lead to heart ache.
Whoever decided that men and women were fit to live together should have their head examined!
On the other hand, another voice nagged him, was his mother right in thinking that he would be worse off without Scarlett? He wanted to defy that notion; in his head bringing up the last few months as proof. He had been doing far better during these months than during the preceding years of so called matrimonial bliss.
But you love her still, the first voice pointed out – and she claims that she loves you. Couldn't it be different now? This time he supposedly would not be alone with his love. He wouldn't be a tormented lover who had to guard his every step but someone who would actually love and be loved in return.
He sighed, split between a sudden urge to give into this image that his mind was rapidly painting for him – an image of a golden future with Scarlett - yet not trusting that it could be true.
He again kicked the gravel in frustration, sighing heavily. He was a grown man, not some silly school boy experiencing his first love, who knew nothing of life. He had been used to managing by himself, controlling his own life, not depending on anybody else for so long. Therefore the possibility to finally give into someone else was a leap of faith that he honestly didn't know if he would be able to take. During his and Scarlett's marriage he had always stood back from taking this step by excusing himself with her lack of feeling. This reluctance to show his true colours had – he grudgingly admitted - probably been part of the problem. If… If they were to start over he knew he had to let go, it would be all or nothing and it scared him.
He hated feeling like this. Losing control over his world. Being at the mercy of his surroundings. Losing sight of the path to tread.
As one who was used to the game of manipulating others, he didn't take it too kindly when others subjected him to the same routine. And he felt that right now he was being manipulated with by Scarlett, by his mother, by fate?
Rhett paused on his path, turned around and looked back up at the old house. He wondered for a second if the old walls would have been able to give him any guidance, had they been able to speak! They at least had seen heartbreak and the outcome before – happy as well as sad. He briefly considered going back to the house and find his mother, confess his confusion to her, and seek both the consolation and guidance from her that he had rejected by his rather abrupt departure. He dismissed it just as briefly, deep down he knew that he would never be able to open up that much to her. Also, her consolation was not what he wanted.
He knew that he had to find Scarlett. Find her, explain himself, offer some sort of excuse. Just now though, his head was too fogged with anger and confusion, so they would probably only end up in another fight. A fight where they would once again, as so many times before, hurl angry words at each other, with no other purpose than simply inflicting as much hurt in the soul of the other as possible. And he didn't want that tonight. One of the reasons he had left her, was that he was tired. Tired of fighting, tired of pretending, tired of so goddamnit many things that he couldn't numerate them just now. And though some of the fatigue had left him, and his body once again was strong and lean, he still felt tired to the heart.
So for now, he felt that perhaps it would be wiser to let Scarlett be Scarlett. At least for a little while longer. Just long enough for him to gather some measure of control over his unruly emotions. With another glance back up at the well lit ballroom he considered his duties as host which he was so rudely neglecting just now. He knew that he had to get back to the party soon, or his absence would be noticed and linked with the departure of his wife, not long before his. Tongues would start wagging.
Well let them, he sighed to himself. Suddenly not caring about what some stuck up old crone would say about him behind his back. They all thought he was a scandalous creature anyway. No matter how much he tried to redeem himself in the eyes of society, he knew that, as once an outcast, he would always be branded in the eyes of most.
Either that or Eleanor would find some way to explain the curious absence of the host and his wife. At least he added with a wry grin to himself the punch was strong enough to make people believe in the oddest stories – so given his mother's lively imagination, it wasn't hard to imagine her coming up with some plausible excuse.
So Rhett Butler turned his back to the house with its glowing windows and wandered off into the soft darkness. In search of what he was wasn't really sure. Perhaps just a little bit of the peace and quiet he believed that he so needed.
------""""""""------
A soft rustle in the branches made Scarlett look up.
The darkness was getting denser as the clouds had momentarily gathered around the moon blocking out her light. She looked in the direction of the sound, hoping that it had been just a bird out on a nightly venture as company was definitely the last thing she wanted.
She didn't know how long she had been hidden in her little secluded corner of the world. The night air that had seemed so warm and balmy was now starting to show a hint of a chill, and she shuddered as a light breeze touched her barred skin. Her eyes had dried up, leaving only the salty tracks on her cheeks and a slight puffiness around her eyes as an outward sign of her anguish. She would definitely have to visit the ladies parlour before she was to join the party again. She was in no mood to smile and dance anymore this evening, but at least for Eleanor's sake she had to put on the pretences and smile the night away as if nothing was amiss. Luckily, she thought, surprising herself that it even mattered to her now, she weren't one of those girls whose eyes would turn red, and face blotched from crying. Possibly Rhett and perhaps Eleanor as well would be able to look through her mask, but Rhett clearly wouldn't care, and Eleanor. Well she could always talk to Eleanor tomorrow before leaving… Though, what she should say she didn't know. One thing was admitting defeat to herself, quite another thing would be to admit it out loudly to someone else. Perhaps it would be easier to just leave before anyone could ask any questions. Well. First of all she would have to get through this evening…
Again the rustling of branches disturbed her thoughts. She squinted her eyes, in an effort to penetrate the darkness. But to no avail, she could only make out the closest bushes; the rest disappeared into a wall of darkness. Instead she cast an angry glance up at the still hidden moon, she wanted to know, who or what dared disturb her little refuge.
As she was robbed of her sight she instead focused her whole attention towards the place from where the sound had erupted, and sure enough, if she strained her ear, she could hear the soft ruffling of somebody's feet treading the gravel path.
She gave an annoyed gruff, she hadn't thought that anybody would venture this far into the garden. Hopefully it would only be one of the servant, and not somebody who would start plaguing her with questions or idle chit chat that she didn't want to engage in. Or better yet, perhaps the person would not even find her. Hell she had a hard time making out her surroundings; and the bench she was sitting on was nearly hidden by bushes growing untended by a gardeners caring touch. Unless the approaching person had inherited the night vision of a cat, he or she was most likely not faring any better.
As if to prove this point, a loud tirade of swear words penetrated the noiseless darkness. The person had – it seemed - stubbed his foot on an unseen stone in the darkness. For a moment she felt like a naughty girl hiding from Mammy or her father. She put her hand to her mouth not wanting her involuntary snorted giggle at the strangeness of the situation to be heard by anyone. Her giggle however soon faded away as she recognised the voice of the other person in the darkness. No doubt about it. It was Rhett.
Damn Rhett Butler.
What the devil was he doing here, obviously not looking for her or he would have been calling her name.
For a brief second she felt panicky. She didn't want to be found here, especially not by him. Contemplating her situation, she saw no route of escape. She had followed the same path as him to get here, and had seen no other alternatives to this route. She considered running away, but she didn't have his ability to move silently like an Indian on a warm hunting trail, and rapidly dismissed that idea. Even if she had been able to move silently in the darkness, the wide skirt of her ball gown would surely hinder any such venture. No he would surely hear her attempted escape, and catch her. So she better just stay put, and muster as much dignity as possible. She just hoped that the darkness would camouflage the extend of the sorrow she had just let flow.
------""""""""------
"Hello Rhett" her voice rang clear in the darkness. She heard him stop dead in the tracks, almost stumbling. Rhett, who was never clumsy, had been caught off guard, and had been off balanced by the mere sound of her voice – how ironic.
"Scarlett" There was a hesitant note to his voice that she did not fail to notice. Clearly he had wanted company just as little as she had.
Her company or company in general she silently questioned herself.
Perhaps she should just have kept silent, praying that he would not have discovered her in her semi hidden hiding place. Most likely though he would have noticed her eventually, and at least this way she had the upper hand in that she had surprised him with her presence not the other way around.
Guessing where she had taken her seat he slowly approached her.
"So this is where you have been hiding" His voice was flat and drawling, void of any emotions. Inwardly she cursed Rhett and his stone grip on his emotions. Why could he never let on what was on his mind.
"Don't tell me you've been looking for me, my dear husband" She applauded herself on hitting just the right blend of mockery and disbelief.
He paused in the darkness in front of her. She could make out his tall form and his white shirt seemed to glow compared to the grey muddle of colours that otherwise ruled the world at this late hour. But his facial expressions where hidden by the darkness, and she was left none the wiser about his mood. Would he rile her again as he had done earlier, or had his stroll cooled his temper?
"No – I must admit – madam you caught me quite off guard" he reluctantly answered, though a hint of mockery was definitely creeping into his tone of voice. Considering his next moved he eyed her small figure, wondering what was on her mind.
"Can I sit" He gestured at the empty space on the bench next to her, deciding to leave the mockery behind.
She nodded. Not sure whether he could see her small movement, she also added a small yes, in acceptance.
He slid down lightly on the stone bench next to her.
"Are you cold" he asked after a short pause in which neither had ventured any topic of conversation.
She shook her head belying the fact that the night air was starting to make her feel rather chilly. Nevertheless he removed his dress coat and carefully slung it around her shoulders.
"Thank you" She closed her eyes as she let the warmth of the coat, his warmth, sweep over her. She pulled the coat tighter around her.
"I guess it was colder than I realised"
After that neither spoke for the longest time. Trying to divine was the other was thinking, not wanting to be the first to volunteer any of his or her sentiments, for fear of either revealing too little or too much of what was going on in their heads and hearts.
Scarlett was the first to disturb the silence. She sighed deeply before speaking up. In a way it felt oddly comforting to sit here in the semi darkness next to Rhett, simply being satisfied with silence. Yet at same time a growing sense of impatience stirred within her, she knew that she had to get some sort of answer from him about his actual thoughts on the topic that nevertheless hovered between them.
Where just minutes before she had been ready to leave him and all they had or hadn't been behind, she, now that the opportunity had presented itself, felt an urge to get to the bottom of this whole sorry mess. At least here they didn't have to consider the nagging eyes and curious glances of the other guests, if their voice grew too loud and their argument too heated. The only other live animal that was likely to cross their path out here was a squirrel or a fox out on its nightly hunting, and the borring glances of such a creature she was sure she could endure.
"So, this is it?" she looked down at her hands.
She more felt than saw his eyes turning from their off distance focus point to her, but he didn't respond in any other way.
Imitating his stubbornness for an answer she pressed on.
"Is this it? I need to know Rhett? Is this where we go out separate ways"
She was surprised at how cool her voice sounded. Hearing her own voice she definitely wouldn't have guessed that until recently she had been crying her heart out over this very man that was now sitting next to her in the darkness.
Now it was Rhett's turn to sigh heavily.
He didn't want this conversation yet – he wasn't ready; his thoughts were still too confused and his mind too far from being made up. He wanted to just cut her off, run away, instead of having to face Scarlett at this instant.
Inwardly he cursed himself for not just turning back to the ballroom as his first instinct had dictated, instead of going on this nightly wandering. Yet at the same time he knew that if he left now he would surely lose her. He sensed a definite determination in her voice that told him that this was not a discussion that could be postponed now that it had been started.
He sighed again, still not clear as to which path to choose but at least sure about not wanting to let her go just yet.
So instead of granting her an answer he slowly lifted his hand, and caressed her cheek. A slow lingering motion. When she didn't shrink away from him he leaned in and hesitantly brought his mouth to hers. His lips softly meeting hers in a feather light kiss. He could feel how Scarlett caught her breath just as their lips engaged, and he could feel a small smile creeping into his eyes. Well, well Mrs Butler he thought – it seems like your body at least is not completely unaffected by me – no matter what your heart really holds. Thus for a moment he let himself believe that perhaps it wasn't as difficult as he had feared to give into her, and a glorious golden future filled with the bliss of togetherness didn't seem to unobtainable and far away. Simply enjoying the intoxicating feel of her lips against his, her mouth so open and inviting that he had to restrain himself not to let the kiss go too far.
All too soon the moment passed, and his golden future started distorting itself, memories from the past casting ghastly disfigured shadows over his vision of hope, and he pulled back, cursing himself for his moment of weakness.
He saw the confusion and hurt in her eyes and felt like the biggest scoundrel on earth. Cad she used to call him – surely a fitting label. He wished for her to scream and claw her nails at him, hell he would have welcomed even a flying vase or one of her well placed slaps to his deserving cheek. Anything but the naked hurt that she was hastily trying to conceal, but still shone clearly from her eyes.
"I'm sorry Scarlett" He whispered.
"I can't give you the answer you asked for – because I simply don't know what the answer might be" he rubbed his hand through his hair in frustration.
"I don't know Scarlett, I simply don't know" He repeated. He had done it, at least partly, revealed his vulnerability. The small, yet unmistakable hole in his armour. How would she react, would she cherish this power he had granted her and rejoice in this part victory or?
Scarlett eyed him warily. Confused. Her heart was still beating rather more rapidly than usual from their brief kiss, but his words just now had served as an efficient killer of the joy that his kiss had sparked in her heart. Was he giving her reason to believe or telling her that they would never have a second chance. One thing though that gave her hope was that Rhett for the first time had let down his guard even if it was just a little bit. He had shown himself as someone less than sure of himself. Revealed that he too could feel vulnerable and uncertainty. She almost didn't believe her ears, had Rhett really admitted to feel even the smallest hint of doubt about his choices? Anger at him for playing with her feelings was simmering at the pit of her stomach, but stronger than that was the curiosity to explore this new turn of events.
"I… I don't understand Rhett?" Her eyes begged him to explain himself, make her understand.
He smiled at her, thankful that she hadn't attacked him. The moonlight freeing itself just a little bit from its veil of clouds enabled him to see her more clearly. He saw a mix of curiosity and confusion written plainly on her face, how young and innocent she looked now that the moonlight concealed the faint age lines that had started to show around her eyes. Her mouth looked so inviting, that he had to restrain himself to not kiss her again. He wondered at this sudden change in his mood. This conversation that he had dreaded so much, seemed to be much easier than anticipated, and he started to feel glad that he had stumbled upon her despite having felt otherwise just before. Perhaps it was the magic of the hour just before the New Year knocked on the door to push the old one aside, perhaps it was something else. Either way he was thankful for this opportunity to vent his thoughts.
"There actually is not that much to explain Scarlett, I just don't know" His voice was without even a trace of mockery, his eyes gazing into hers held no malice, and she understood that he was not trying to lead her on. Nevertheless she still did not grasp the full implications of his words, and she silently urged him to continue.
What to say? Where to start? How much to reveal, and what better left unsaid.
"The basic simple truth my dear is that I don't know. I feel like I've been driven into a corner, with two paths neatly laid out before my eyes, though neither seems completely inviting" he paused. Searching for any clue as to whether he had stirred her temper. He didn't want to unknowingly step on a volcano having it erupt between his hands as he was doing the bravest thing he had ever done. He was dismantling the fortress, despite the sentinels' loud cries of warning he was slowly taking down his walls of protection. Revealing his true colours, revealing his confusions, his fears and doubt about the crossroad he was facing. He knew he would never have been able to do as much on broad daylight, but the spell of the moonlight had magically loosened his tongue and given him the courage to throw himself at the mercy of his wildcat.
But he found no indications that a firestorm was heading his way, and so on an impulse he continued.
"I love you Scarlett, I might as well admit it. I love you and probably always will, no matter where I go, this love will follow me" He pronounced the words with such feeling that there wasn't any doubt as to the sincerity of his words.
He saw a feverish light in her eyes, and guessed that at this admission she would think herself the winner, and he had to make her understand that it wasn't as simple as just whether the feelings were present or not. Putting the word love on the table before he had said everything he wanted had the risk that she would not hear anything else he was saying, because that word was all she sought. In addition not saying it outright might have made her not listen to what he was saying because all she could think about was whether he loved her or not. She could be so stubbornly single-minded his tempestuous wife.
"Scarlett, will you listen to what else I have to say" His voice was a bit more forceful than before and it apparently brought her out of her reverie. He wondered how many air castles she had just build that would now crumble with his next words.
"You know my dear, it is not as simple as whether I love you or not. It is more a question about how I live with this love." He sighed unsure as to whether he was getting through to her. Would she gather his meaning, or would she misunderstand his intention, and withdraw?
"As I said I feel like I have been forced up against the wall, standing now at a forked road, with two not too pleasant alternatives in front of me. In one of the alternatives I turn my back to you, and we forever will go our separate ways. The other possibility as I see it, is for me to go back home with you. We try to resume our live together, and I stay on until you perhaps discover that I as well will fail to measure up against this superhuman vision you seem to have created in your head like the image of the golden prince you had created in your head, against he also failed to measure up. Or if not all the memories of misdeeds in our past will slowly suffocate us until we can feel nothing but contempt for one another" He looked at her with blank eyes; as if all the turmoil in him was going on at such a deep level that it didn't create a ruffle on the surface.
"As you might see, neither holds must charm for me"
"Nothing much has changed since I left you in Atlanta, except for my love for you not being as thoroughly dead as I believed. You understand don't you" At the last words he jumped up from his seat and started pacing in front of her. His voice hoarse and the intensity of his turmoil apparent in each of the words he uttered. And had part of her still been engrossed in some silent reverie, she now hung on to every word he spoke, sensing the importance of them, to him, for her, for their chance of a future together.
"I can't go back to living like we did, I meant what I said. I am tired of this"
"I can't – no, I WILL not go back to living like we did. I nearly lost myself to you once, and I can't risk that again. I will not live that half existence again"
"You love me or so you say, but how can you know? How do you know that this love will not prove to be as volatile as what you felt for your golden prince for so long? Hell, even if you do love me as undying as you proclaim, then how can I go back living in THAT house. Do you think we can ever be happy together with all the creeping shadows of the past looming over us? Can we escape the ghosts that we created ourselves?"
He stopped abruptly, panting, seemingly surprised at how heatedly his last tirade had come out. He had all but shouted all of the words. He turned to her a dejected look on his face.
"What do you suppose we do Scarlett, how can we move from here?" Regaining some of his usual calm composure
"How can I trust you to not turn away when you discover that I am not as perfect as I might seem now in the first throes of love?"
She was speechless. She understood that something rare and special was happening. Rhett, the master of masking his true feelings was barring his heart to her. Finally letting her into the confusions and fears that he was facing. It scared her, and thrilled her at the same time.
She stayed silent for a while. Aware that a too hasty word from her side could ruin the atmosphere, and have him run away from her again or taunt her with his hurtful mocking remarks to make jest of what he had just revealed.
She looked at her hands toying with the hem of his coat lapels, and then hesitantly she lifted her eyes to meet his gaze.
"Would it be very awful if admitted to not knowing either?" She spoke the words, softly, tryingly ready to take them back if they seemed to produce an unwanted reaction in him. But he didn't shrink away and it pleased her. She gave him a small smile and continued.
"Don't you think I am scared Rhett? – Because I am"
"These last few months has been hell, to be honest, these last few years has not been too much fun altogether" He looked at her wryly, he supposed she was right, he had not been alone in living their common nightmare, she too had suffered, even if she had been as good as camouflaging it as he had.
"Rhett" she said pleadingly.
"I haven't come here to lure you into some sort of gilded trap as you seem to believe. I've come here because I'm scared of what my life would be like if I didn't" Her voice broke with a small tremble and she looked away in order to shy away the tears that was once again willing themselves to be spilt.
With an effort she quelled the tears; she didn't want to cry anymore tonight. But Rhett's words weighed heavily on her. Was he really considering leaving her despite his claim that he loved her? Oh how her heart had rejoiced at those words, but now the happiness she had felt was mixed with an overwhelming fear, that perhaps love was not enough.
"I don't know what I can say to convince you. Only that I am deeply sorry for all that I've done to hurt you, because I love you Rhett. I love you so much. I've lived with you through hell and love you in spite of that"
"Doesn't that prove something?"
"I love you enough to come here, humbling myself at your mothers house, just to get this chance to see you"
"Doesn't that prove something?"
"Let's go away Rhett, lets go somewhere, where the past can never find us. Somewhere where we can really start anew"
She was rambling and she knew it. But she felt that to keep talking was her only tool to convince him of her sincerity. That an endless word stream would keep him from coming to the conclusion that he could live without her, before she had a chance to prove herself.
When she couldn't think of anything else to say, she leaned in on him, pressed her head against his shirt front. Hoping at least to derive some comfort from him.
"I am sorry, I am so sorry that it took me so long to realise"
He felt his resolve melt at each word she spoke. How could he claim to love her and yet consider leaving her? No matter what it would cost him later, he saw that he couldn't leave her now. If he did, the image of her this evening in the faint moonlight would haunt to the end of the world.
Slowly he lifted his arms, wrapping them around her body in a long comforting embrace. Hugging her tightly. Wordlessly trying to convey his message.
A/N - as you might guess we are nearing the end of my little tale. Sorry to be so slow with the updates - but hope you enjoy it still. Please feel free to tell me what you think. Feedback is always appreciated.
A/N - Corrected some spelling mistakes - and OFF mistakes - I hope. What an ungodly amount of of's I use when writing. I need a thesarus or something.