[ Part Seven ]
A/N: Warning for an M-rated moment! This chapter is slightly shorter than usual, but it does answer some questions. Next one will be longer, I promise. Oh, and please keep those reviews coming. I so love reading your thoughts about this. :-)
Andy was walking slowly so Sharon could keep up comfortably. Her arm was linked through his and her other hand held on to his in a gentle but firm grip as they made their way along the beach. It was a rather cool and windy day, but after weeks of rain, which wasn't typical of LA even in the winter months, at least the sky was finally a pale blue again and a hint of sunshine made the crashing waves sparkle lazily. She had initially protested when he'd suggested they take the afternoon off after their lunch, but she had eventually mentioned her several hours of overtime that allowed for her to leave early from time to time without having to feel guilty about it. He knew she needed a little time to relax and take her mind off the funeral the previous day, so he took her to the beach where they had been walking mostly in silence for the past half hour, occasionally pointing a seagull or something else of interest out to each other. Now he could feel her gradually slow down next to him, forcing him to match his speed to hers. He finally stopped and pretended to look over the ocean to allow her to catch her breath. She let go of his arm and brought her hands to her belly, gently following it's more pronounced curve before she leaned her head against Andy's shoulder. In terms of affectionate gestures, he was surprised to find, their kiss had not changed a thing between them and he was both relieved and excited at the discovery.
"I'm tired," she said and closed her eyes when he brought his hand up to stroke her hair and neck.
"There's a beach bar right up there." Andy pointed at a small cafe that was overlooking the ocean from where it was mounted on a pile structure. He placed his hand in the small of her back and only pulled it back when he slid onto a padded bench next to her a few minutes later where they had found a rather secluded spot in the half-empty room. They ordered hot chocolate for her and a cup of coffee for him and as soon as the waitress was gone, Sharon rested her head against his shoulder again, her eyes falling shut almost immediately.
"Are you going to fall asleep on me now?" he asked her, amused by her fatigue, while he slid his arm around her to allow her to rest more comfortably against him.
"I just have to close my eyes for a minute," she murmured sleepily and so he studied the menu instead of keeping her awake much longer. He found that they were serving a particularly nice brand of Californian chardonnay here and he remembered its taste and warmth in his throat as well as the beauty of the chilled glass and the delicate, golden liquid. The longing became almost unbearable and not even the bitterness of his newly served coffee could erase the memory of the taste. Sharon stirred and reached out to sip her hot chocolate, catching his gaze.
"Feel like a glass of wine?" she asked sympathetically, her free hand lightly caressing his arm.
He shrugged, feeling defensive. "Sometimes I think one wouldn't hurt. I could have just that one and then stop."
She ran her thumb across her upper lip to rub away a chocolate stain. "Maybe you'd manage to stop the first time. Maybe not. But sooner or later it would escalate again."
"You never stop being an alcoholic," he nodded unhappily. "Yeah, I know. But maybe... one day..."
"Not now, though," she said softly but with finality, closing the menu for him and he felt anger at her flaring up for the shortest of moments as the gesture felt slightly patronizing. Looking up into her face, however, he softened instantly when he saw the worried expression there.
"I know it's hard. I can even relate a little." She smiled tentatively. "I would love a glass of chardonnay right now, too, but I can't either."
"But it's harder when you theoretically could." He wasn't ready to let his irritation go just yet as it provided something to hold on to rather than the intense craving for alcohol. "You can't drink because of the baby. I just can't."
"Some people say an occasional glass doesn't hurt," she said pensively. "but I never had even a single sip during either of my pregnancies. I can't bring myself to do anything that could even potentially harm my baby."
He looked down at the outline of her stomach that was visible under the cashmere sweater she was wearing and couldn't help but think about what Steven had said. Without having to ask for her consent, he reached out and placed his hand on her swollen belly, pressing down lightly in anticipation of a reaction. She wrapped her hand around his and moved it slightly to the left where he felt a firm kick.
"Hello, little one," he said. "I think she likes me."
Sharon gave a mock-snort. "How can you tell? For all you know, she wants to kick you."
"It's just a hunch. I think she wants to say hello."
She turned her head slightly to smile up at him, making butterflies come alive in Andy's stomach. He could feel the warmth radiating off her body even through the fabric of the sweater and he wanted nothing more than to kiss her. Closing in very slightly, he pressed his lips to hers while he continued to caress her stomach with his thumb. She didn't withdraw from the kiss but opened her lips instead to allow him to deepen it. Kissing her and responding gently to her baby's movements at the same time seemed meaningful on a certain level and he hoped that she would understand that he didn't mind her pregnancy anymore. Her children were part of her and her unconditional love for them was one of the things he liked so much about her. Their kiss became slower and lighter until their lips were merely brushing against each other.
"She's kicking up a storm, Andy. I think she recognizes your voice."
He grinned. "Then she likes me for sure; I say nothing but nice things to her Mommy."
For a moment they listened to the crashing of the waves that was audible through the open bay windows then he pulled her closer, resting his cheek against her hair. He could have sat like that with her all day, but something was nagging at him and this moment was as good as any to get it off his chest, even if he ruined the relaxed atmosphere between them.
"Can I ask you something?" He tried for an even, sure tone of voice but succeeded only in part. Feeling her stiffen in response to his question, he gently ran his hand down her back.
"Yes?" It sounded almost a little menacing, as if to warn him not to overstep his boundaries. Unfortunately, he wasn't so sure where exactly those lines were drawn these days and he was more than willing to take a risk.
"You know Steven Hanks?"
"Yes, we attended the Academy together. He's in Robbery/Homicide, too, isn't he?" She looked a little wary but her thumb was still caressing the back of his hand lightly where it was resting comfortably against her stomach.
"He is. Look, don't be mad at him. I think he thought I knew when he told me about what happened when Tommy was born."
A dark shadow fell over her face and she raised her chin, looking to the left, at a point over his shoulder. Tears were gathering in the corners of her eyes and she reached up to pinch the bridge of her nose and squeeze her eyes shut for a moment. Andy noticed the rare absence of her glasses for the first time. He reached up and gently ran the back of his hand over her cheek but she winced in response to his gentle touch.
"Look, I didn't mean to pry, but I am worried."
"Of course you are." She sounded more bitter than he had expected and he was beginning to regret bringing it up in the first place, when she picked up her cup and took another sip, her hands trembling visibly. "Look, all I know is that you were bleeding and that it almost killed you. That you and your husband weren't planning on having any more children-"
She cut him off. "It was Jack. Jack didn't want any more children." Her answer was spoken rapidly and there was an edge to her voice that he had never heard before. "He was worried about me," she added more softly.
"But you did?" he asked softly, still hoping that she would open up. More tears were welling up in her yes and she nodded, unable to speak for a moment. Her voice was firm when she finally spoke again.
"I have a hereditary condition. It isn't life-threatening or particularly dangerous under normal circumstances; it just means that I am prone to bleeding more than other people do which poses a risk when it comes to childbirth. My doctors weren't aware of it during my first pregnancy, so they didn't take any precautions when I went into labor." She shook her head. "It's always a risk, but there really is no medical reason not to have another baby now that I've been diagnosed."
Relief swept over Andy at her words and he could have stopped there, but his curiosity won out eventually.
"But Jack didn't want you to?"
She grimaced. "He was traumatized, Andy. Didn't want to risk losing me."
"Did he change his mind?" Andy asked cautiously.
She pressed her lips together and shook her head. "I've been trying to convince him but he refused completely. But then he came home slightly drunk one night and I, well, I am not on the pill because it gives me horrible migraines. I told him that we needed to-, well," She coughed, clearly uncomfortable with talking about it. "...take precautions. I think he didn't really worry about it, though, because it took us a long time to conceive Tommy, but god knows why, he got me pregnant that night."
"One time's enough. Guys tend to forget about it," Andy said, fleetingly thinking back to his friend Joe who had gotten his high school girlfriend pregnant due to precisely the same sentiment.
"Exactly." Her voice sounded firmer now and he thought that maybe she was a little bit relieved, now that she had finally told him. Somehow he didn't think that she had anyone to talk to about it and for the first time he wondered about her current relationship with her parents. "I found out pretty soon and he was mortified. He started apologizing over and over and when I told him that I was actually very happy, he pretended to be good with it for a while." Andy could see from the way her face contorted slightly that the memory was painful and he watched her hand tighten around her cup as she continued. "I was about seven weeks pregnant when he began to try and talk me into an abortion, citing the risks for my health that are associated with giving birth, but I refused." She cleared her throat. "As you can imagine, that put quite the strain on to our relationship."
Andy thought about what he'd heard about Jack Raydor so far and although he wasn't too fond of the man, his behavior was hard to reconcile with the fact that he loved his wife so much. How could he ask her to terminate a pregnancy that she wanted more than anything else?
"Was that why you kicked him out?" he asked softly.
"No. No, it wasn't. I was feeling guilty, too, because while he was drunk when the baby was conceived, I was sober and I should have insisted on contraception, but there was that part of me that actually hoped that I would end up pregnant. Jack has been drinking since I met him. I always took him for a social drinker and I had no idea that it had actually developed into an addiction. During that time when we kept fighting because of my pregnancy, he lost the ability to hide it and I saw glimpses of how bad it really was." She hid her face in her hand. "One night he didn't come home and I was worried, so I called a friend of his, a partner in his firm and he told me that Jack had been fired months ago because he kept showing up drunk in court. I was only working part time then and we had a big house with a mortgage to match. Jack wasn't the kind of guy who would have savings although he used to earn a big salary, so I did a little investigating and found out how he'd been supporting us. He owed the bank a lot of money, in my name, too, as he had forged my signature."
Finally Andy understood why she had moved to the small house, why her furniture looked expensive and why she was so sad. Her husband had betrayed her and lied to her for months while exerting constant pressure on her to get rid of her unborn baby at the same time. It didn't sound like a walk in the park at all even though he'd done it all because he was afraid of losing her.
"He was drunk when I confronted him about it and he blamed the pregnancy and, by extension, me. That's when I left him." Sharon was nervously toying with a packet of sugar to avoid looking at Andy. "He came back the next day, sober as far as I could tell, and begged me for forgiveness. Said it had been the alcohol talking, that he loved me and that he would try to make it all up to me, but I just couldn't do it anymore, Andy. I just couldn't."
"And then you moved and he went to rehab?"
"I sold the house and paid back most of our debts, went back to working full time in order to be able to provide for myself and Tommy. That's when he realized that I wouldn't have his behavior anymore and he went to rehab a few weeks later." She was blinking away tears again and her voice had begun to quiver. "That's about it, I guess. Now you know my romantic life story."
To be honest, Andy had expected violence or adultery, not something like this, but in retrospect in all made a lot of sense. That's why she was so guarded around people, too, because if you couldn't trust the man you loved and who loved you, whom could you trust? Her continuous sadness was easily explained by this story, too, because every time she felt her child kick or caught a glimpse of her swollen belly in the mirror, she would have to think of what had happened with her husband and how her new baby had been the reason for her marriage to crumble. Andy was pretty sure that Jack loved her very much, but he seemed selfish with an addictive personality which was a sure recipe for disaster.
"I'm so sorry, Sharon."
"Don't be. I knew he was trouble when I married him. I just didn't know how much." She finished the last of her now cold beverage and looked at her watch. "Look, I'm really tired, Andy. I think I'll go home and squeeze in two hours of sleep before I have to pick up Tommy." At first he thought that she was angry with him for making her tell the story, but then, with a start, he realized that she was ashamed. Ashamed of how things had come about, ashamed of her own weakness and ashamed of what she'd done.
"Hey," he said and grabbed her hand before she could slide off the bench. "Sharon, he is the one who made the mistakes, okay? There is absolutely nothing you have to be ashamed of. In fact, I'm pretty impressed by your ability to put your life back together after all that." He pulled her into his chest, holding on to her trembling body. Even without a view of her face, he could tell that she was trying very hard not to cry. "Let me drive you home, okay? And if you want to, I can pick Tommy up for you later."
"Thank you, Andy," she murmured into his chest. "Thank you so much."
She only allowed herself to cry once they were in her bed, Andy's arms wrapped securely around her, her daughter asleep under their palms. He could tell from the fierceness of her sobs that it was probably the first time that she truly allowed herself to let go and grieve for what she had lost. Andy knew that he had already said whatever comforting words could be said and so he just held her while she wept until her sobs died down and became sniffles. He watched her shoulders sink from where he was lying behind her, his arms around her and his cheek against her hair. For a moment he believed that she was actually falling asleep, but then she moved against him. At first he thought it had been unintentional but then she repeated the movement and he could feel himself harden in response.
"What are you doing?" he whispered into her ear. "You don't have to do this, Sharon."
She turned her head and he was surprised to see her red-rimmed eyes darken with arousal.
"I want to, Andy. I want you."
He reached down and ran his hand along her smooth, firm thigh, struggling with himself. He didn't want her to feel obligated to give him something in return for comforting her, but from the way she arched into his touch, he could tell that she enjoyed it. She wasn't doing it for him, she was doing it because she wanted it. His fingers found their way between her legs and under the hems of her panties and he realized that she was already wet. Sharon moaned into his touch and reached behind her to grab him and pull his boxers down. He was still holding her from behind, gently stroking her breasts when he began to rock into her with long, even thrusts. Sharon moaned, her breath hitching from time to time, matching his pace. Their rhythm was unhurried, their touches gentle and she squeezed his hand that she caught in hers to encourage him to go a little faster. Andy buried his face in her shoulder and cried out when he came inside her, helping her over the edge at almost the same time with his free hand between her legs. He breathed into her neck, feeling the vibrations of her satisfied moans rocking her body until she lay still. He brought his hand up to her belly and pulled her further into him.
"I love you, Sharon," he whispered into her ear, suddenly not caring whether she would reciprocate or not. He didn't want to make her uncomfortable, but suddenly he felt so close to her, so connected. Not only on a physical level, but on an emotional level as well.
"I want you to stay, Andy," she murmured after a beat of silence. "I want you here with me."
Granted, she hadn't said that she loved him, too, but he understood that it was too early for her. Still, he could hear in her voice that she was comfortable with his words, that she enjoyed being loved by him.
"I'm not going anywhere," he said, pulling her blankets up to cover her fully against the afternoon chill. "I'm right here."
She snuggled into him but he could tell that there was something on her mind. He remained quiet until she came around and was ready to talk.
"Andy, that was great, really but... we can't do this all the time. Not when Tommy is here, okay? He still has a hard time because he misses his daddy and I don't-"
As he couldn't see her face, Andy couldn't tell whether she was truly just worried about Tommy or whether she was eager to distance herself from him again. For a second he felt angry, but then he just ran his hand down her arm.
"Of course," he said simply then began to nibble her earlobe slightly, making her giggle. She was indeed making it very clear that he could expect nothing from her. No affirmations of love or a steady relationship; he didn't even know what would happen once her husband came back from rehab, but he knew that he wanted to make use of the time he had left, even if all he could do was hold her.