[ Part Thirteen ]
"Every problem we're having is because of you!"
Andy Flynn was so angry that Sharon felt the rage radiating off him like heat. If she hadn't been used to being yelled at like that, she would have been pretty intimidated by the stance he had assumed. Having been in FID for years and thus equipped with a certain kind of experience, she was merely concerned that someone would overhear this very obvious case of insubordination. The last thing she needed was someone questioning her ability to be a leader when everyone was already doubtful when it came to her skill as an investigator. Why Pope and Taylor had decided to ask her of all people to take over Major Crimes was and would always remain a mystery to her. The offer had been followed by a prolonged talk with Gavin who had convinced her to take the job even though she'd initially meant to pass up on it. Her history with this particular squad was nothing short of troubled, the past few months had done nothing to improve their relationship and the prospect of working with Andy Flynn on a daily basis made her feel downright sick. Ever since their confrontation in the parking lot, he'd never allowed an opportunity for them to speak privately to come up again and she'd quietly accepted his refusal to deal with her. If she hadn't been that preoccupied with finding the leak and somehow still being an administrator in own department at the same time, she might have insisted, but like this she had neither the time nor the energy to mull over Andy Flynn.
In the end Gavin had reminded her not to let her past indiscretions with the lieutenant keep her from doing what she'd been talking about for years: Going back to active duty now that she didn't have kids to be home to by six. And once the freeze on promotions was up, she knew, she would be the first in line to make Commander. It was this part that had sealed the deal for her in the end. Sharon was ambitious and despite the fact that she loved her children more than anything else in the world, she couldn't help but think about what she might have achieved if she hadn't been a single mother of two. She had braced herself for antagonism both from Andy and from the rest of the squad, but she hadn't expected such an open and unfiltered display of rage. Andy was all up in her face and she knew from pure instinct alone that this was not just about the FID-rules that had allowed their suspect to be murdered. This was about her intruding on his work life even more than she had before. This time not on orders she could not disobey, but due to her own decision to take the job.
She wanted to sit him down and talk some sense into him, to tell him that this was a great opportunity for her and that they should finally leave the past behind. Instead she focused on the nagging feeling at the back of her mind that immediately followed his comment. With a start, she pulled the blue scrubs off her and disposed of them in a nearby laundry basket. How had the killers been able to know that the victim would have to stay put at the crime scene if the rule was exclusive to the LAPD? The anger left Andy's face in a heartbeat, making room for surprise, shock and then pensiveness. Not trusting her legs anymore, she sat down next to him. Her body was tingling, not due to his close proximity, but due to the fact that they were now bouncing ideas off of each other, momentarily acting like the colleagues of the same squad that they had just become. Having reached their conclusion about Detective Miller's son, they both trailed off, looking at each other.
"I'll call Provenza," Andy said, about to reach for his phone, but Sharon reached out her hand and placed it on his arm before he could make a move.
"Andy," she repeated, once again using his first name. "Can we talk for a moment?"
He frowned, probably about to tell her how important their investigation was and that they didn't have time for private complications, she was sure. Instead she quickly continued, hoping that he would not walk out on her. He looked a little lost now, all his earlier rage evaporated but she knew that it could return any second if she took a wrong step.
"I've been thinking long and hard about whether to take this job," she said quietly. Even though they were alone, she felt nervous about anyone listening in. "Returning to actually investigating cases has been a dream of mine for a long time and, career-wise, this is a great opportunity to me."
"You could have given me a heads-up," he growled, agitated again, but not yet really angry. "You shouldn't have just walked on to our crime scene like that."
"I was sworn to secrecy," she said softly.
"I don't care!" he replied, volume rising, voice trembling slightly. "We are friends, Sharon. You could have told me. Nobody would have ever known about it."
Although she was trying not to let it show on the outside, Sharon was everything but relaxed these days. The new job made her nervous and jumpy, afraid that she would make a mistake that someone would later hold against her as evidence of her lack of experience. Although his words strung a chord somewhere deep inside her, anger was the first thing that registered with her and she acted on it because it was much easier than trying to disentangle the web of conflicted emotions that she was caught in.
"Friends?" she spat. "Since when? You've been avoiding me for months, Andy! You wouldn't have even picked up the phone if I had tried calling you!"
His eyes darkened, anger now clearly etched into every single part of his face. He looked as if rage was bubbling inside him, ready to erupt at any second. "But have you? No! You have never tried calling me even once!"
She was stunned now. What on earth was he talking about?
"Of course not! You've made it pretty clear that you want nothing to do with me!"
"And yet you're here. Leading my squad!" He almost yelled the last sentence, causing her to shrink back slightly. She didn't actually expect him to be violent, but the sheer volume his voice had reached felt like an assault. He seemed to notice that, too, because a look of mild shock crossed his face and he drew back slightly, lowering his voice considerably before he addressed her again.
"How should we be able to work alongside each other, Sharon? It's laughable!"
She had imagined the conversation they might have one day so often that all the different scenarios had blurred into one inside her head. She had even dreamed about it at night with every outcome that she and her subconscious could come up with. After all these years, she had never expected to actually have this conversation one day, but right now she knew with a start that on top of everything else that was happening, she would have to do it now. Swallowing, she realized that her throat was dry, that a murder investigation was pending while she was trying to sort out her feelings.
"Andy," she said softly. "It's hard for me, too."
The surprise on his face was unexpected and she began to wonder what he had made of her inside his mind lately. Did he think that she was heartless, that this thing between them didn't affect her at all? She was both angry and impossibly sad at the notion. Although she felt apprehensive about touching him because in his own way he had betrayed her, too, by making himself believe that she was something she was not, she grabbed his hand. Andy looked down at their hands in each other between them, silent and – it seemed – too shocked to move a muscle. She ran her thumb over the back of his hand, noticing that it was rougher than it used to be. So many years had gone by since they had last looked at each other like that, she realized.
"Andy, I am sorry for what happened. I thought that I was doing the right thing and now I know that I wasn't. I understand that you feel betrayed and I respect your decision to not be friends with me, but you can't continue treating me like the heartless bitch you've convinced yourself that I am. I am not. At all. Especially when it comes to you." Sharon didn't like dragging her feelings out into the open, to dissect them in front of someone else, no matter how dear to her heart they were. She would not voice how much he meant to her or how much it hurt her to see him like this. She would leave it at that and she would hope that he understood. She didn't want to expose her vulnerable side to him right now, before she knew she could trust him not to use it against her. "I just want you to know that I never meant to hurt you and that treating you the way I did is easily the biggest regret I have."
She only realized that she had avoided looking at him when the sight of her own fingers caressing the back of his hand registered with her again. She looked up, moving slowly and carefully, ready to get up and change back into Captain Raydor mode any second if it was necessary to protect herself.
She was shocked at the devastated look in Andy's eyes. The veil was gone and she could see confusion and hurt looking back at her. The rest of his face seemed to have turned to stone, his free hand trembling slightly when he placed it against her cheek and looked at her. Really looked at her. She felt scrutinized but not as uneasy as she could have been. Even when they had slept with each other on her couch she hadn't felt that she had this much of his attention and it felt both wonderful and absolutely terrifying. Somewhere deep inside her a little voice began to speak up to tell her that as of today, he was her subordinate and she should not be holding his hand like that, let alone lean into him. He didn't move when she came closer and she could feel his warm breaths on her skin, short and nervous. His lips were so close to hers, she just wanted to kiss him, to enjoy his warmth, but she knew that she couldn't. She opened her eyes that she hadn't realized she had closed to look at him, his gaze intense.
"I am so sorry," she repeated, both relating to what she had done years ago and what she had just done because she could see in the way he looked at her that she had just taken away his lifeline. Hating her had given him stability, had helped him find his place and keep his footing when she was around. Now he didn't have that anymore. She wanted to kiss him, but she knew she couldn't. She couldn't start a new job by making out with her subordinate officer. Fraternization rules were sketchy at best and they weren't what worried her. It was their rich history and the fact that she knew she needed to concentrate on doing her job and doing it well. She couldn't be sidetracked by what she felt for Andy although there was no way to deny her feelings. Instead of kissing him, she pulled him into her arms, caressing the back of his head with her hand. His body was warm against hers and she almost breathed a sigh when his arms came around her to return the embrace. It was brief yet meaningful and long enough for him to whisper a somewhat tortured "Sharon" into her hair. They both got up from their seats when they came apart, Sharon automatically adjusting his tie, leaving her hand lingering on his chest before she quickly pulled it off.
"Are we good?" she whispered.
"As good as we could ever be," he replied, distant yet warm. "Come on, Captain. We have a murder to solve."
"As difficult as this may be for you to understand, I need at least one person working here who actually likes me." She knew that she was making a mistake even before she had finished the sentence and tried to cover it up with one of her ironic little smirks.
"Sykes doesn't like you. She is just pretending to like you to get the job!" Provenza replied, the full spectrum of his hatred displayed in the way his face was twisted in anger.
"Still," Sharon said, trying to abort the conversation before it ventured into uneven territory. But that was where it was headed, she could tell, when Provenza took a step towards her and narrowed his eyes, looking at her like a snake about to attack its prey now. He had found the weak spot she had never meant to display to him and she felt a lump in her throat at the prospect of what was awaiting her next.
"Do you know who else likes you?" he asked, his voice low and controlled, so vastly different from how he had sounded before. He was completely in control now, lashing out at her with all his might. "Andy Flynn likes you. I don't know how you managed to manipulate him again, but I can see it in the way he looks at you." She opened her mouth to tell him off but he didn't let her and somehow she couldn't get herself to interrupt him. "I don't know what would be worse: Your having no idea what you've done to him or your ignoring it! You've treated him like shit all those years ago and now you're on the prowl again! I bet it was all sweet talk at the morgue to get him to actually like you. Just admit that Sykes is just a cover-up! Andy is the one you want on your side and you don't give a damn about his feelings!"
"Lieutenant!" she interrupted him, her voice high-pitched, her heart beating furiously inside her chest. Her hands were trembling now and she felt ready to fall apart. The long days were catching up with her, the hatred coming at her from all directions, the conflicted feelings she had about the young witness waiting in the murder room. She was not about to tell Provenza anything about the true nature of her feelings for Andy, but she didn't want him to convince Andy of something that wasn't true, either.
"I am not who you think you are," she said in a low, dangerous voice. "And I will not have these accusations!"
They were startled by the sound of the door and she was almost relieved to see Agent Howard standing there, a paper bag in his hand.
"Oh, am I interrupting something?"
She gave Provenza a hard gaze.
"No, we were finished. Weren't we, Lieutenant?"
Sharon rested her head against the back of the couch, the sound of Rusty's crutches clicking on the floor fading in the distance. The bathroom door was opened and shut with some force, making her wince slightly. She wanted to reach out for her glass of wine, but something held her back. Her limbs were feeling heavy, her head was throbbing with the beginnings of a migraine building behind her forehead and she cradled the pillow closer, simultaneously trying not to think about what would happen with Andy and to recall the comforting feeling of his warm body against hers. How there was room inside her head to think about him was beyond her, with a difficult foster child to take care of. While her heart was aching for the boy, she was dreading the numerous confrontations with him that she knew lay ahead for her. She wanted to call Lizzy or Tom or Gavin. Someone to pour her heart out to, but she didn't want Rusty to overhear and she was too tired and too upset to keep her voice down. Her phone beeped and she was glad to discover that it was still in her jacket pocket. Sliding it out, she blinked at the screen, sight blurred with exhaustion. She sat up with a start when she discovered that it was a text message from Andy simply reading "Can we talk?".
She stared at the words, unsure of what they meant. Was he ready to forgive her? Had he spoken to Provenza and was he about to accuse her of the same things his friend had? Or was it something else entirely? Would he resign from her squad? It wasn't likely, but possible. Her heart racing, she quickly typed back.
"Rusty is here. I can't leave and I don't want him to overhear."
His reply arrived only a few seconds later.
"I am in your lobby."
Sharon gave an involuntary hum that was closer to a shriek and scrambled to her feet, her hands sweaty and her arms trembling.
"Rusty?" she called out, not expecting to receive an answer. "Something's come up. I will be downstairs in the lobby for a while!" Not waiting for him to confirm because she knew he wouldn't, she grabbed her keys and made for the elevator. The ride down seemed longer than it usually did, her exhaustion suddenly replaced with a nervousness that made her feel hot and cold in quick succession, her hands moist and trembling and her breaths short and somewhat ragged. Catching one glimpse of herself in the mirror, she groaned but made no move to untangle her hair or correct her make-up for fear that she would make it worse. Her legs seemed heavy when she finally stepped out into the lobby. It was quiet at this hour, the door man engrossed in a magazine and no one waiting in front of the elevators. The only sounds were the distant humming of an air-conditioning unit and her heels on the tiles. Andy was standing a few feet away from the elevators, his hands in the pockets of his trousers once again, his face unreadable. He didn't move to meet her, just waited until she had approached him fully and she wondered what that might mean.
"Hey," she said, willing her voice to sound neutral but failing completely. She sounded close to tears although she was almost sure she wasn't.
"How's the kid?" he asked.
"Sullen," she replied. "I am pretty sure he hates me." She gave a self-conscious grin. "Just like everyone else." Before she could wonder whether she sounded too whiny, he reached out his hand and placed it on her elbow, making it impossible to discern whether the gesture was meant to convey a certain intimacy, or not.
"I don't hate you, Sharon. In fact, I have come to apologize. Pretending to hate you was so much easier than coming to terms with it all in any other way." It was a simple statement, not particularly elaborate or eloquent, but it seemed to take a large weight off Sharon's chest. "I guess I was acting like an idiot," he admitted in an uncharacteristically small voice.
"Then we were both idiots, Andy," she replied, feeling light and happy at the sight of honest emotion in his eyes. "Shall we just forgive each other and move on?"
Andy nodded, a grin spreading over his face that she hadn't seen in years. "That would be great." Despite the sudden absence of their usual unease, there was a short silence none of them knew how to break.
"Thank you for coming, Andy," she finally said. "It means a lot."
"You'll get the hang of the whole major crimes thing," he promised. "Provenza is going to come to terms with it sooner or later, I am sure."
She nodded. "I hope so."
Andy squeezed her arm. "I remember you talking about going back to active duty once your kids were grown. I'll make sure he doesn't stand in the way of that."
She smiled up at him. "Thank you." She stood on her toes and placed a kiss on his cheek, feeling the roughness of his stubble against her lips. This was no way to treat an officer from her squad, she knew, but right now all she cared about was his forgiveness and his friendship. "I think I need to go back up to Rusty."
"Yeah, it's late. I shouldn't be late tomorrow morning." He grinned. "I have that new boss that I have heard is pretty strict about the rules."
Sharon laughed both at his joke and to release some of the pressure that had been building up inside her. "She is not going to cut you any slack, I believe."
"Very strict woman," Andy agreed. He leaned in slightly so his mouth was next to her ear, his breath warming her skin and making her shiver slightly. "And also the most beautiful I've ever seen."
Sharon woke to the sound of footsteps that she recognized as Andy's typical long strides, slightly washed out by his trying to be quiet in the middle of the night. She heard him take of his suit and place his gun and badge down. A moment later her covers were lifted and she felt him slip underneath them with her. She liked the way he lightly touched her, believing her to still be asleep. His body moved closer to hers until he was able to pull her fully into his chest, spooning her.
"Did you catch him?" she asked him quietly as not to startle him. He seemed relieved that she was awake, gently brushing her hair aside so the strands wouldn't tickle his nose. His free arm came up around her, his hand holding hers.
"Yeah, barely. He did hold Detective Simmons hostage for an hour, though. It was awful."
He sounded tired and drained, the ghost of the earlier onslaught of adrenaline still making his voice vibrate slightly. He'd been called out when they had been about to go to bed and she had given him her house keys, urging him to come back later if he could.
"He killed a little girl. I was ready to go berserk on him in the interview room," Andy went on, reminding her of the day at the morgue and making her stomach flip, sudden nausea welling up inside her.
"Did he confess?"
"Not yet, but even if he doesn't, he is sure to be found guilty in a trial," Andy assured her. "We have enough evidence to have him convicted."
"That's good," she replied, still a little sleepy, but glad nonetheless. "It must feel good to help at least let the parents have some justice." She moved her hand to her belly. "Although I can't imagine that it actually makes anyone feel better about losing their child."
Andy kissed the skin below her ear softly. "It probably doesn't, but at least now he can't walk around and kill any other kids in cold blood just because they witnessed a robbery."
"True," she murmured.
"The others wanted to celebrate," Andy said. "but I didn't need the temptation and also-" He kissed her again. "I'd rather be with you."
She felt warm and loved with his arms around her and his lips on her skin. "I wish I could have helped," she said softly. "I can't forget the images of her at the morgue or the parents' grief at the funeral. I wish some of this was my doing, so I could feel a little better about it," Sharon confessed.
"Don't blame yourself, Sharon, you're pregnant. You need your rest."
"That's not what I meant. Even if I wasn't, I wouldn't have been the one catching the killer. It's my job to make sure no one beats him up so we're not open to a law suit because of it." She hadn't mean to sound sarcastic.
Andy chuckled into her neck. "Do I detect a bit of weariness at working for FID?"
She smiled sadly. "I am still convinced that what I am doing is important, Andy. It's just that sometimes I think about what it would feel like to actually solve crimes. To be the proverbial good guy, not someone who is despised among the force, you know."
"Didn't you say that one day you wanted to go back to that?"
"Yes, but-" She moved his hand to where her daughter was giving a lazy kick. "That seems so far away right now. They'd have to be old enough to be alone for a few hours if I got called out at night like this."
Andy's voice was a little rough now and she could tell just from the sound of it that he was about to fall asleep.
"We could make it work, you know. Once they are a little older, we could take turns or something-" He yawned, effectively drowning out his own words. She felt the weight of his hand on hers grow heavier as his body relaxed with sleep. Comforted by his warmth, she found herself drifting off to sleep as well. It would be nice, was her last conscious thought, to be able to be an investigator again and maybe, indeed, she and Andy could make it work together in a few years.
It was nice not to be alone.