[ Part Fourteen ]
All Sharon had wanted were a glass of wine and a good book both of which she could devour on her couch, snuggled under her blanket and enveloped in the soothing tones of Tchaikovsky's piano concerto no 1. What she got, however, was an entirely different scenario that involved one enraged Andy Flynn pacing next to her dining table, exasperated hands and words flying through the air. Sharon crossed her arms in front of her chest, glad that Rusty was out for burgers with Lieutenant Provenza who had casually mentioned wanting to talk to the boy which she was sure was all a set- up courtesy of her other lieutenant who was currently trying to run a hole into her expensive floor boards.
"Andy," she said softly, causing him to still immediately. His face was slightly flushed but she was sure that what she'd been suspecting for weeks could be elevated blood pressure had nothing to do with it. He dropped his hands at his sides and gave her a defeated look.
"You shouldn't be doing this." His words came out low and perfectly void of the aggravation he had been expressing with every tiny movement of his body ever since he'd burst through her apartment door five minutes ago. "You're not safe!"
"What else do you suggest? Send Rusty away to live with someone else?" She shook her head. "This is the first real home he has ever known, Andy, I won't send him away. And besides," she ran a distracted hand through the strands of her hair that rested over her collarbone. "I would miss him like crazy."
The life was back in Andy when he approached her rapidly, his hand outstretched, stopping just short of her arm as if he had only just remembered that certain barriers still existed between them. "Of course not!" he barked, almost aggressive now. "Sending the kid away! That idiot Rios is the only one who actually thinks that's a good idea."
Sharon was confused, her brows coming together in a frown. "Then what do you want me to do? Move to another town? Have a police detail living with us?"
She swallowed, her mouth suddenly dry when she saw the look on his face. "Andy..."
"I am not asking to move in with you," he said stiffly, not quite meeting her eyes. "I am merely suggesting everyone stays a bit closer to you than usual."
"It was only one threatening letter," she said quietly, her voice raw and her insides clenching. She was not supposed to envision Andy as a permanent fixture in her home. She had enough trouble separating Andy and Lieutenant Flynn at work as it was. The second he would enter her private life again, she would most certainly abandon all reason and forget about the boundaries their work relationship enforced upon them. He was close, she noticed, his breath still irregular and she could feel the warmth radiating from him.
"So far," he said, a new edge to his voice. "If the kid is in danger, so are you and I hate the idea of that. You need someone to protect you."
Sharon felt torn between endearment that he cared so much about her and anger at the fact that he was insinuating that she couldn't take care of herself. Despite the tortured look in his eyes and the adorable frown on his face, the latter feeling won out.
"Stop talking like I'm a weak little damsel in distress. I can take care of myself. I have a gun and despite what you think, I know how to use it even though I spent most of my career in FID!" Her voice rose up at the end of the sentence, her hands unconsciously clenched into fists. She hated being underestimated, she hated when men thought that she wasn't equal to them.
"I saw you with that beanbag gun." A small smile appeared on Andy's lips, her anger evaporating somewhat. He turned his palms upwards. "Look, Sharon, I am not saying that you can't protect yourself. Of course you can. Believe me, I'd be more worried about Provenza if he was in your stead. The problem is that you're protecting Rusty, but who's protecting you? You're reckless when you're in Mama Bear Mode and you know it."
Sharon softened instantly. He wasn't doubting her ability at all. He was just worried that she would do something stupid, that she would forget to protect herself while protecting her foster child. Her shoulders sank and she shook her head, exhaling through her nose.
"If you moved in here to protect me because you're too worried that I forget about protecting myself, we'd probably have to move Provenza in here, too, just in case you forget about protecting yourself," she deadpanned. Andy's face fell and it took a second before he gave a dark but merry bark of laughter.
"So you think we should move in with the entire squad like a huge, dysfunctional family of lunatics?" he asked back, causing Sharon's grin to widen.
"I like Amy a lot, but I am not sure whether I'd be able to take her 24/7."
"She looks up to you, Sharon. She just wants to please you," Andy said earnestly.
"I know and I appreciate that," Sharon smirked. "Still."
"I'd cook for all of us," Andy suggested and she chuckled.
"That might just be the only upside."
They remained still for a while, just smiling at each other then Andy reached out and brushed his hand against her wrist, his eyes never leaving hers.
"I am sorry," he said in a quiet voice. "Worrying about you always turns me into a caveman."
"You should not be worrying about me, you know that," she said although his eyes were begging her not to destroy the moment. She couldn't help it, though, she needed to put some professional distance between them to be able to keep the memories at bay. After all, he was here for the first time since their hurried lovemaking on her couch three years ago. She could not let him get too close to her, could not allow their fragile equilibrium to be destroyed. He nodded, his eyes leaving hers.
"It's not what you think." His voice was low but not hurt or devastated but even and understanding. He wasn't the same young impulsive Andy Flynn, she realized with regret. He would not jump and profess his love for her ever again because he, too, had matured or maybe she had just hurt him too much. How she wished that she could throw her precious rules overboard and just kiss him, but she knew that it would be hazardous to both their jobs and the friendship they were slowly building between them. It lacked the spontaneity and instant trust they'd once had between them, but it was still better than the years of not seeing each other and certainly better than the awkward pace with which they had switched from irritation to affection and back during the past four years. It was good enough for Sharon and she hoped that it was good enough for him. "I am not worrying about you because of our past or something," he said with an honest look in his eyes. "You are my friend and a damn good boss, that is."
He was saying just what she had wanted him to and yet it stung. It was so easy nowadays to keep him in line and sometimes she wasn't even sure whether she was or whether it was the other way around.
"Look, Captain," he said. "I should really get going. Just promise me you'll call if something's up, okay?"
"No reckless Mama Bear situations, I promise," she joked awkwardly, suddenly longing to hold him back. But what good could have come off the two of them? She walked him to the door and opened it for him.
"Thank you, Lieutenant," she said simply. "I very much appreciate your concern."
He tipped an imaginary hat. "Night, Captain. And don't get yourself killed. Squad just got so good at following the rules and all." His joke was accompanied by his characteristic boyish grin and it broke her heart to see it as it meant distance. He was treating her no different from anyone else and while that was what she knew was right, it felt wrong enough to make her feel ready to cry as she closed the door behind him.
Sharon looked up from her laptop at the sound of a knock on the door, delighted to see a somewhat fidgety Andy Flynn walking in and closing the door behind himself with more care than necessary. He was clearly nervous and she found it adorable although she knew that she shouldn't. They had become a good team, the whole squad in general and the two of them individually, too. No longer did it feel strange to call him "Lieutenant" or to be addressed by him by her own rank. Somehow they had settled into a comfortable but delicate routine which was sometimes thrown off balance by a long gaze or an impulsive little touch but never broken. There seemed to be a silent agreement between them to keep the past in the past and even Jack's impromptu visit had not made either of them break it even for a second. They were good, she decided at the sight of him. Friends, colleagues, people who shared a past but were content leaving it behind.
"Hey Captain," he greeted her, not meeting her eyes at first and she snapped her computer shut, grateful for the distraction and curious as to whether her strategy had worked and had convinced him to attend his daughter's wedding after all. He had been terrified all day, just like he had been back when he had been allowed to go to her birthday party. She still remembered her day in San Diego in the rain, having visited an art gallery, unable to concentrate on the paintings, however, as her thoughts had been with Andy the entire time. "Sorry to bother you. I was just... wondering. My daughter's wedding is, well, it's in three hours actually and, uh..."
Sharon decided to put him out of his misery, hardly able to suppress a smile at the sight of the sheepish look on his face. "You decided to go," she said more softly than she had intended.
"Yeah. Even though most of the people there hate me. Yeah, I think it's the right decision."
It was only a split second that Sharon wondered whether he, too, was reminded of a certain afternoon that had taken place many years ago. She wasn't even sure why she made the connection only now. However, the words left her lips just like that, making her wonder when she had even formed them in her mind or if they had just appeared out of nowhere.
"Do you need a buffer?"
„Ready for another one, boys?" Sharon stuck her head out from the curtain that hid the interior of the changing room from the rest of the small boutique, adopting a cheerful tone that sounded forced even to her own ears. Andy was seated in one of the comfortable padded chairs, which a smart interior designer had put there to make the waiting a little easier for involuntary shopping partners. Tommy was in his lap, playing with the zipper of his leather jacket, less than interested in Sharon's choice of wardrobe.
"Bring it on!" Andy responded, grinning slightly. Sharon let go of the curtain and stepped out in another simple loose-cut black dress, this one silk. Barefoot, she padded over to Andy and Tommy and turned slightly so they could see her in profile.
"What do you think of this one?" she asked, feeling slightly uneasy as exposed as that, the polish on her toenails chipped and her ankles slightly swollen from walking around the mall all day.
"Gorgeous, just like the last one, Sharon," Andy informed her, his eyes on her soft and full of approval. "And black again. It's a wedding, though, isn't it? Don't you think a brighter color would be more suitable for the occasion?"
Sharon sighed, running a nervous hand through her hair which was messy and frizzy from pulling too many dresses over her head. Why she had been looking forward to this event was beyond her now. Maybe because her mother had ignored her request not to send any money and had told her to buy a decent dress for her cousin's wedding. Maybe because she hadn't shopped for anything special in months, trying to keep what was left of her money together. But now, in the middle of this fancy boutique, she felt tired and unattractive.
"Black is slimming," she told him stubbornly. "And I could use a little of that, you know." His little sigh made her feel even worse and for a moment she was worried that he might think she was just putting up an act to fish for compliments.
"You're six months pregnant, Sharon. Nobody expects you to look as skinny as I am sure you usually do," Andy said with a hint of exasperation. She bounced on her heels once in order to relieve some of the pain in her legs and lower back, trying to get rid of the tension. "How about the violet dress?"
"That was lavender," she said, ready to flee back into the changing room and put her comfortable clothes back on.
"Whatever. It looked pretty good. Do you want me to get it for you so you can try it on?" He was about to rise and put Tommy down, but the little boy wasn't about to let go of his jacket and gave him a stern look.
"Andy! Can I have my milkshake now?" Although she was annoyed by the way she looked and felt, Sharon couldn't help a smile at her son's earnest expression.
"You promised my boy a milkshake?" she asked, folding her arms in front of her body in mock sternness. Truth be told, she felt like something chocolaty herself right now.
"With chocolate, Mommy!" Tommy beamed as if he had been reading her thoughts.
"You know what, baby, we'll go and get your milkshake now. I'll take this dress." She went back in and pulled the curtain closed, pausing at her reflection. The dress was expensive and looked it. Just what her mother had had in mind, she guessed. And the color, along with the clever cut did distract from how round her belly had become. Sharon changed back into her street clothes and paid for her dress, Andy's shocked intake at the price loud behind her. Despite her gloomy mood, she couldn't help but smile at the sight of him, her shopping bag that he had insisted he would carry in one hand while Tommy was bouncing down next to him, holding on to the other. They looked so natural together that it almost hurt her.
Sharon was glad to be off her feet, sipping her hot chocolate leisurely while watching Tommy play with his toy car he insisted to bring anywhere with him, running it in circles around two sugar dispensers. She was pulled out of her thoughts when Andy lightly brushed her arm, his warm fingertips gentle against her skin.
"Hey," he said in a low voice as not to attract Tommy's attention. "What's wrong with you today?"
She was about to protest, to deny the obvious, but then she dropped her shoulders, pressing her lips together before she answered - to her own surprise - truthfully: "It's that wedding."
Andy grinned slightly. "I figured. You don't want to go?"
She shook her head sadly, watching as her finger traced the rim of her cup as if on its own accord. She was used to being strong and holding her emotions back, so she felt a little embarrassed at her own open admission. "I really don't. I think I told you that my parents are quite... conservative. They didn't want me to tell anyone about-" She lowered her voice to not be overheard by Tommy who was imitating car engine noises while carrying out a risky maneuver that she very much hoped would never feature in his real future driving. "They didn't want me to tell anyone about my separation. In my family, divorces are frowned upon, but when they happen, they are only announced once everything is final, you know. People keep their private messes to themselves."
She looked up into Andy's sympathetic eyes, his thumb drawing gentle circles on her arm now.
"So everyone is going to ask you about Jack?"
She nodded, grateful that he understood. "But they will also suspect that something's wrong because he's not there and they'll either pity me or look down upon me, depending on what they think of me." She sighed, rubbing a hand along her swollen belly. "They love to talk, you know. Just because they're snobs doesn't mean they're above gossip. And here I am, the odd one out who ran off to Los Angeles to become a cop, pregnant again and quite obviously by herself." She hadn't meant to sound that desperate, but Andy didn't seem to mind her outburst. He intertwined his fingers with hers and squeezed her hand lightly and affectionately. How he was able to convey so much comfort through a touch as simple as that was still beyond her and she longed to kiss him, to feel desired and safe.
"Do you need a buffer?" he asked her softly and she smiled widely, reaching out to cup his cheek.
"But how would I introduce you?" she asked regretfully.
His grin cheered her up and so did his lips that he pressed against her palm, turning his face inside it. "How about as your friend Andy?"
She chuckled despite herself. "That is a terrible idea, Andy. It would definitely make everything infinitely worse."
He shrugged, his eyes gleaming slightly. She was convinced that his offer had been genuine, but he also didn't take her refusal as an affront. Surely he understood that taking a man other than her husband to that wedding would be sure to upset not only her parents but everyone else in attendance. For a second she actually considered it, but then she shook her head decidedly.
"But it wouldn't be like a date or anything," he suggested, now grinning brightly.
"Andy! I am a married woman. Just imagine their faces!" She began to giggle, startling Tommy who looked up from his toy, regarded her with a quizzical look and then obviously decided that it was just one of his mother's weirder moments. He had once been used to her giggles, she thought with a pang of sadness, but the past few months had taken that away from her. Despite the short onslaught of grief, she couldn't help but continue laughing when Andy presented her with a bad imitation of a stuck-up old lady. A sneer on his lips and his back too straight, he regarded her through an imaginary monocle.
"Well, Sharon, dear," he said in a brittle voice with a fake British accent. "Your husband has changed a little, has he not? He is an awful lot more attractive than he used to be, I daresay."
She playfully slapped his arm."Don't make me laugh like that or the baby's going to go crazy." Andy placed his hand over her daughter's favorite spot and pretended to be surprised by the kick she gave against his palm.
"That child will be trouble, I am sure of it!" he exclaimed, still using his old lady voice. Sharon couldn't help but burst into uncontrollable giggles at the sight of him and Tommy's slightly exasperated "Mommy, you're embarrassing" only made it worse. Andy was laughing now, too, his lips very close to her ear, making her feel his puffs of air. She turned her head, the urge to kiss him so strong that it hurt her almost physically.
"You know what, Sharon?" he asked her in a low voice, making sure that only she could hear. "I completely get that you can't take me along, but can we just agree that if I ever attended a wedding with you, it could totally never not be a date?"
She closed her eyes against his husky voice and the warm breath on the side of her face.
"Agreed, Detective."
"Very well, Sergeant."
"Lieutenant Provenza has volunteered to take Rusty out for burgers and... I like weddings," she hurried to explain, her voice reflecting nothing but calm resolve, not betraying the strange staccato her heartbeat had assumed or the fact that she felt as if she was acting out a scene. Andy looked so stunned that, for a moment, she was afraid that she had overstepped their careful boundaries, that he was about to turn on his heel and storm out, leaving her to pick up the pieces. Instead he shook his head in slight confusion, looking as if he could not believe his luck.
"Really, you sure?"
She gave a little shrug, doing her best to look completely relaxed despite the dread she was feeling at the inside. Suddenly Provenza's innocuous offer didn't seem as innocent anymore. Had the old man, who had taken a grudging liking to her, suddenly anticipated that this might happen? She quickly dismissed the thought. That was really far-fetched. Or wasn't it?"
"B... but how would I introduce you?" Andy asked, still sounding far too confused to actually be referring to their conversation years ago. However, his reaction caused a warm and bubbly feeling to well up inside her, just as if she had already had a glass of the champagne she was sure would be served to make her careless.
"How about as... your friend Sharon?" she asked back, feeling a lot more coquettish suddenly.
"So it's not like a date or anything?" he asked her, shaking his head and acting as if that notion was beyond absurd.
"Of course not, Lieutenant, I'm a married woman."
She chuckled at his nervous reaction, wondering whether he remembered at all or whether he had just unconsciously followed a script that they had unwittingly written for this moment a long time ago. Maybe she was just having a déja-vu, she tried to tell herself, maybe that scene in her head had never actually happened.
"Oh, well, thank you, Captain! I mean... Sharon. I owe you one."
The way he was raising his arms in what looked like an involuntary parody of a grand gesture made her smile and she got to her feet, walking around the desk to stand in front of him. He was still not showing any indication of acknowledging what had just happened and for a moment she was sure that he did not actually remember, that this had been a fluke, but then he grinned, the old Andy Flynn suddenly back in place as if he had never been gone.
"Just promise me you won't wear black."
A/N: I did iiiiiiit. I updated! I am so so sorry for the delay. I am so tired in the evenings, it is not even funny. Thank you for your patience and your encouraging reviews. There are only a couple of more chapters to this story because, let's face it, it will be more and more difficult to weave canon into this. :-)