Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, Falcon's lines, blah blah blah blah blah, shut the hell up.
Oh, and congrats to ISK for winning the thingamajig. Read the Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race. [/shamelessplug]
"Last time on- Survivor!" said Master Hand.
"Samus made a starling discovery!"
"How did you find me?" asked a small Yoshi with only one eye and two limbs, hanging off the edge of a cliff.
"A special guest appeared!"
"LoLS Im Teh MASTUR CHEF" said Crash Bandicoot.
Snake shot him.
"And Falcon made a controversial move!"
"Starting today-" said Falcon, "I am clean. I have sworn off drinking."
The Alcoholics Anonymous members applauded.
"Oh, well crap, that was for As the Smash Ball Turns." said Master Hand.
"I was on that show once!" screamed Pichu.
"Shut up."
The opening credits started, with captions from almost everyone on the Internet.
Team Yamauchi:
Peach (Y DO U HAV HER AS A DUM BLONDD RETARD)
Captain Falcon (STOP RIPPIN OF PEEPEL DARNITT)
Snake (HOMNICIDEE EESNT FUNNEE N00B)
Wario (FAT JOKS ARNT GOOD RASCIST)
Roy (Y ISSNT HEE GAY U MORONN)
Pikachu (MAK HIM FUNNIER)
Toon Link (WAAAH U HAT HIM STUIPD)
Popo (Y IS HE DEEFRENT FROM NANAA DUM)
Nana (Y IS SHE DEEFRENT FROM POOPO DUM)
Dedede (Y DO U HAT AL TEH GOD CHARATERS)
Team Arakawa
Kirby (HES NOT FUNNIE MAK HIM FUNNYER)
Zelda (WAH WAH WAH SHUT HER UP)
Pichu (TAKE HIM OUT HE SUCKS)
DK (HES DUMB REMOV HIM)
Yoshi (HES NOT FUNY N00B)
Mario (Y DO U HAT HEEM HES AWSOM)
Lucas (SHUT HIM UP MR RODGERS)
Samus (MAKE HER TALK AND HAVE HER WEAR A BIKNI)
Sonic (DRUGS R BAD CHANGE HEEM)
Tribe Yamauchi
Day 4
"Boy, I sure am hungry," said Wario, "I should eat some food to maintain my constant weight of 400 pounds."
"But I'M the one that deserves to eat!" said Dedede, "I'm just that awesome!"
"I can't believe that they would just argue over something like that!" said Nana, "Let's go, Popo."
"Well," said Popo "I guess if we don't want to be caught up in the argument, we should-"
"SHUT THE HELL UP! WHO ASKED YOU TO TALK? YOU ARE SO GOING TO BE PUSHED OFF THE MOUNTAIN 'ACCIDENTALY' WHEN WE GET BACK!"
"Just- Wait, is that smoke?"
"Remember, where there's smoke-" slurred Falcon "There's fire!"
The entire freaking island caught on fire.
Tribe Arakawa
"But Sonic," cheered Lucas, "There's several ways for you to stop drugs!"
"Back off kid," said Sonic, obviously high, "What are you, a narc?"
"I think I can do it! Here's a song from the aptly named Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue!"
The rest of the tribe advanced, holding pitchforks.
"There's a hundred million wonderful ways to say no," sang Lucas.
He was mauled to death instantly.
Smoke started to drift into the camp.
"This is heaven!" proclaimed Sonic, passing out.
Everyone else did too.
Tribe Yamauchi
Master Hand set off an explosion near the tribe so they would wake up.
"Survivors," he bellowed, "Yoshi's Island has been destroyed. Three guesses as to which one of you did it."
He glared at Roy.
"So we had to evacuate you, blahblahblahblahblah, you're in an abandoned Zora camp in Hyrule."
Master Hand left.
"NNNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" cried Wario, "HOW WILL I GET MY FOOD NOW?"
"I can't wait to make this sex thing I've been hearing about with a lady friend," said Falcon, staring at Peach.
"Why aren't these pancakes cooking?" asked Peach, staring at a pile of rocks she made. "I turned the stove on and everything!"
"Bow chicka bow wow!"
"Well, guys," started Pikachu, "We've all been moved, so I know we're all gonna have to adapt. I think that Toon Link and Peach should look for kindling to start a fire, and-"
"SHUT UP!" screamed Nana, advancing on Pikachu with an axe. "I'LL FREAKING KILL YOU IF YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH ONE MORE TIME! YOU HEAR ME?"
"Meep."
Tribe Arakawa
The entire Master Hand segment was replayed in the space of three seconds.
"WELL SCREW YOU TOO!" yelled Kirby, waving his non-existant fist.
"Um... guys?" whispered Yoshi shyly, "Um... I think that... er..."
Everyone looked at Yoshi.
"...Nevermind."
"..." said Samus.
Popo
Mountaineer
Age 13
Tribe Yamauchi
"I personally think that the tribe has the chance to win," began Popo, grinning. "The only people slowing us down are Falcon and Dedede."
"...and Wario."
"Not to mention Toon Link and Peach."
"And Roy's pretty irritating."
"And Snake's tried to kill everyone about ten times already."
"...And Nana's beginning to-"
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" yelled Nana, sounding dangerously close.
"Um, nothing!"
Tribe Yamauchi
"So Pikachu and Snake should get food, Toon Link should get started on a shelter, and Nana should hand feed me grapes," proclaimed Dedede.
Pikachu and Snake both ran off.
Toon Link cut himself.
"Well sure!" said Nana. "Anything to help a friend!"
"Then get to it!"
"SHUT UP! DO YOU THINK THAT I SHOULD JUST ANSWER YOUR EVERY BECK AND CALL?" yelled Nana, whipping Dedede.
"We're back," said Snake, holding up Pikachu's half-eaten corpse.
"Great! NOW HAND THAT OVER!" bellowed Dedede. "Now Falcon should...
Where is Falcon?"
Music started as a spotlight fell on the camp.
Everyone stared.
"We're no strangers to love," sang Falcon, suddenly appearing in a trechcoat.
"You know the rules, and so do I!"
"You're hearts been aching but, you're too strong. You wouldn't get this from any other guy!"
"I- just wanna tell you how I'm feeling. Gotta make you understand!"
"Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna-"
Snake threw a rock at him.
Snake
Part Time Real Estate Agent
Age 35
Tribe Yamauchi
"One of the first things about being in the army is to trust nobody," started Snake, glancing around. "They drilled it into our heads so much that I killed all of my instructors. But another thing is-"
Snake stopped.
"OH MY GOD A HYLIAN LOACH!"
Snake threw a grenade at it.
Tribe Arakawa
An annoyingly fast shot of the sun setting showed.
Two figures were shown, completely in shadow to conveniently add to the mystery.
"Stupid dark," grumbled one of them.
"Stop being so negative!" said the other. "Look on the bright side! The stars are bright, for example!"
"Shut up. Now, anyway, the competition's going to be hard, so... alliance?"
"Sure! Having an alliance will make things easier for you, just believe in yourself!"
"Shut up again."
Tribe Arakawa
Day 5
"Tree mail," said Kirby, getting what should really be called rock mail.
"What's it say? Is it another acting preposition?" asked Pichu.
"It says..."
"Yes?"
"You,
Change your mind,
Like a girl,
changes clothes,
'Cause you're hot then you're cold,
You're yes then you're no,
You're in then you're out,
You're up then your down,
You're wrong when it's right,
It's black then it's white,
Reward challenge today,
So get there morons."
"..." said Pichu.
"..." said Samus.
Reward Challenge
"Survivors," said Master Hand. "Today you will be playing for..."
Master Hand pulled a cloth off of a few twigs tied together with string at the end.
"Fishing equipment!"
"This PROVES how stupid this is!" proclaimed Zelda. "They can't even afford a fishing pole!"
"Oh, and fire if Tribe Yamauchi wins."
Roy instantly snapped to attention.
"So, you'll all be tied together, like in single file or something. You'll have to go through an obstacle course, which I won't tell you about so I can see the suprise on your faces when you fail and/or get decapitated. First one to reach the flag wins. Oh, and you'll be waist-deep in water, so hope the midgets on your team don't drown. Tribe Yamauchi, you have to sit someone out."
"I say it's Nana," said Dedede "Because she caused more bodily harm than I declared legal. AND WHAT I SAY GOES."
"THAT'S NOT FAIR!" shouted Nana. "You just can't keep someone out without reason!"
Nana skipped to the bench, flowers and... um... lily pads coming up behind her.
The film skipped to the contestants being tied up and near the obstacle course.
"Survivors," said Master Hand. "On your mark..."
The Smashers tensed up.
"Get set..."
Close ups were shown, but mainly of Brad Pitt and not the contestants.
"Go!"
Most of the contestants fell flat on their faces.
"MY MASCARA IS COMING OFF!" griped Toon Link.
"You know, I used to hate the water. Can't imagine why." said Falcon.
After about a half hour of useless dialouge, the tribes finally made it to the course.
"WHAT THE HECK TOOK YOU SO LONG YOU fellow tribemates who I love with all my soul?" questioned Nana.
"I like you style, kid," remarked Falcon. "You remind me of a young me. Not too much younger, mind you. Perhaps even a couple of years older."
"Shut up and help!" cried Toon Link. "NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME!"
"Well guys," started Pikachu. "Just get over the pit of spinning razor blades. There's no way we can lose here!"
Pikachu looked ahead of him.
"Damn."
"I can't believe there's no way they care about our personal safety," started Zelda. "I WANT TO GO HO-"
Zelda was impaled on the aptly named Spinning Axe of Doom Thingy.
"Darnit!" cursed Kirby, him and the rest of the tribe spinning around by the rope tying them all together.
"Look at all these lovely flowers!" cheered Peach, picking up a land mine.
All of Peach's tribe got blown towards their flag.
However, Zelda's body unlodged somehow and sent the other tribe flying towards the flag.
Intense shots were shown of the two tribes, the flags, and Puff the magic dragon.
Zelda's tribe got there first.
"Tribe Arakawa wins, yay, take this piece of crap away from me." said Master Hand.
The tribes went back to their respective camps.
Zelda
Princess
Age 23
Tribe Arakawa
"This place makes no sense!" whined Zelda. "There's the skipping from one place to another without doing anything, the fact that nothing gets done and we still survive, the fact that people die and come back to life without explanation..."
"Wait..."
Donkey Kong
Garbage Man
Age Unknown
Tribe Arakawa
"What do you mean that I have to say something to the camera?" asked DK. "What do you mean by talk? What's a camera? I'M SO CONFUSED! WHY AM I CONFUSED? WHY AM I SHOUTING?"
Tribe Arakawa
"So, we won fishing equipment..." said Kirby.
...
"Do any of us know how to fish?"
"Look!" yelled Pichu, running over. "The hook came into my ear! Now it's pierced, like in 12 Burials and a Marriage!"
Kirby facepalmed.
Tribe Yamauchi
"Wario, give me your food," demanded Dedede. "I'm hungry."
"NEVER," said Wario, hurrily eating the 20 foot high mound of food on his plate, erm, rock. "I got such a small portion! Can't you see I can't spare anything?"
"It's still 15 feet high."
"No, you've been in the sun too long, it's playing tricks on your eyes, and um... LOOK A DISTRACTION!"
"Ha! Who'd ever fall for such a stupid gag?"
"Where is it?" asked Pikachu excitedly, running out of the shelter.
"Desperate times call for desperate desperateness!" screamed Falcon.
Peach
McDonalds Employee
Age 28
Tribe Yamauchi
"Hi! Have you seen my magical talking puppy?" asked Peach. "My blue smarclenickel kissed me on the lips! Yay! Can you find Waldo in this picture? I herd u liek mudkipz! The radiator exploded yesterday! What's four plus four? My lips taste funny! Vanilla Ice is the best rapper ever! I can't locate the Internet today, can you? Welcome to Carl's Jr! I got my dress and my purse mixed up... again! My face is missing! Do you know the way to Washington DC? Leave Britney alone! Dirt tastes funny! How much do you weigh? My name is Erica! It's all about speed! I'm going to eat your heart now! Blah is a funny word! Blah blah blah blah blah! But I'm a princess! Shrimp tastes disgusting! I'm not sure what potato means! Glarckensiam! I can't find my steriods! You are in last place, sorry, but you are eliminated! World War II was a time of peace! What's your name again? My life is a lie! Tacos are actually eels! I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts! Great Merlin's monkeys! I'm going home now! Bye-bye!"
Peach skipped off into a lake.
Captain Falcon
Bounty Hunter
Age 45
Tribe Yamauchi
"Doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing," sang Falcon. "Doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing."
Falcon passed out.
Tribe Yamauchi
Day 6
"Tree mail!" proclaimed Popo, getting it out.
"Roadblock: Who's really hungry?"
"Liek LAWLZ ill do IT i HOLE TEH WORLD RECORD 4 eating PEEPLZ." said Jigglypuff.
...
"What?" asked Popo, staring.
Immunity Challenge
"Survivors," announced Master Hand. "This is a test. I repeat, this is a test."
The area behind him blew up.
"Thank you. This has been a test."
"..." said Samus.
"Nothing happened... nothing at all..." muttered Pikachu.
"Now, Tribe Yamauchi, hand over immunity." demaded Master Hand.
"No!" cried Toon Link. "It listened to all my problems and helped me apply my mascara and it's my only friend!"
Master Hand tore the sticker out of Toon Link's hands.
"Now, today's challenge is eating things. Gross things. First tribe to acheive three things eaten wins. Sit someone out, Tribe Yamauchi."
"This time," said Dedede. "We're sitting out Nana."
"You sat her out last time."
"Then, we'll do Yoshi."
"He's from the other freaking tribe."
"Um... Pikachu?"
"No. I like Pikachu."
"Er... Wario."
"Fine. Wario, sit in the corner and think about what you've just done."
Wario sadly walked over and ate the dunce cap.
"Now, let's spin the wheel of the grossest things we could find!"
"Can I buy a vowel?" screamed Falcon.
"Dedede and Mario, you will each be forced to eat..."
Master Hand pulled the cover off of a tray.
"A cannonball!"
Dedede inhaled the cannonball, suffering no effects.
Mario tried to swallow it, but chocked on it.
The cannonballs of the nation were ordered to be sent back to China due to them being covered in lead paint.
"A point for Tribe Yamauchi. Kirby and Roy, you have to eat..."
Another cover was pulled off.
"Bee larvae!"
Kirby inhaled the larvae, becoming BEE LARVAE KIRBY! with the ability to make honey and pollinate flowers.
Roy poked at the larve with a match, setting it on fire.
"A point for Tribe Arakawa. Toon Link and Zelda, eat...."
Wario ate the cover before it could be pulled off.
"Roast Tingle!"
Toon Link and Zelda eagerly dug in, with Zelda finishing her portion first.
"Another point for Tribe Arakawa. Nana and Lucas, you have to eat..."
Another match, another cover.
"Terminia Fried Cucco!"
"WAHHH! THIS IS TOO HARD! THERE'S NO WAY I CAN BEAT HIM!" cried Nana as Lucas started to eat.
"Don't worry! Just believe in yourself! In fact, I'll go slower so we can have a fair-"
Nana ate everything on her "plate" and Lucas's eyes.
"A point for Tribe Yamauchi. Falcon and DK, you have to eat..."
The cover blew up.
"Coro's Special Dodongo Soup Deluxe!"
"WE LIEK THE MOON," sang Falcon.
DK lifted the bowl, looking fo this so-called "soup".
"BUT NOT AS MUCH AS CHEESE"
DK figured out that the liquid was soup, then tried to figure out the word "eat".
"WE LIEK CHEESE WE LIEK ZEPPELINS"
DK cried as he learned that soup does not go in the nostrils.
"WE REALLY LIEK THEM"
DK suffered third degree burns as he learned that soup bowls do not go on the head.
"AND WE LIEK KELP AND WE LIEK MOOSE"
Some of the soup ended up in DK's mouth.
"AND WE LIEK DEER AND WE LIEK MARMOTS AND WE LIEK ALL THE FLUFFY ANIMALS"
DK threw up.
"That's proof that DK ate some!" annouced Master Hand. "Tribe Arakawa wins immunity!"
"BOO!" screamed Wario.
Tribe Yamauchi
Dedede immediately rounded up Pikachu, Nana, Popo, and Falcon upon returning.
"Now guys, if you vote for Wario, I will let you eat your food tonight. Otherwise you will be whipped into submission." announced Dedede.
"There's a word for that..." said Falcon. "Let's see... what was it... ownership? No, it was more along the lines of..."
"SHUT UP." said Nana. "And who do you think you are, telling us who we should or shouldn't vote for? I've never been so humlitiated in all my life!"
"And you suppose you have authority over me?" asked Dedede.
"Nope!" chirped Nana. "Sure, I'll help you!"
One the other side of camp, however, Wario got the others.
"Now, see, if you guys vote for Dedede for me, I won't eat your food and steal your lunch money. See?"
"I can't find the dictionary!" cheered Peach.
Roy was too busy staring at a lit match to listen.
Toon Link cut himself.
Snake shot Wario, then took Toon Link's knife and stabbed him.
Wario died.
Dedede
Annoyance
Age 44
Tribe Yamauchi
"I'm a cinch to win." proclaimed Dedede. "I rule this tribe with my iron fist of awesome awesomeness, and since I rule, they'll all vote the way I tell them to!"
Dedede laughed evilly.
Wario
Weight Watcher's Prime Target
Age 38
Tribe Yamauchi
"There's no way I can lose," sneered Wario. "With my intimidation, I can give that show off what he deserves!"
Wario laughed evilly.
Toon Link
Age 11
Pirate
Tribe Yamauchi
"WHY HAVEN'T YOU FOCUSED THE CAMERA ON ME AT ALL?" whined Toon Link. "DO YOU HATE ME? LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES?"
Toon Link cut himself.
Tribal Council
"Get some fire," said Master Hand. "Fire is your life."
"YES!" cheered Roy, bathing himself in the fire from his torch.
"Now, let's get to business, Falcon, have you personally had any trouble with your teamates, like... Peach?"
"Well," said Falcon. "First she called me a cheap pathetic freak, then she said to the officers 'arrest this person for impersonating a man.'"
"I see. Now, Dedede, has there been any tension with your tribemates?"
"That freak, Wario." proclaimed Dedede. "He never take his fair share, and is, less than me. Greedy pig!"
"Oh. And Wario, you were sitting out on the challenge. Do you think you could have been an important part in winning if you were in?"
"Hells yeah," said Wario. "It's freaking eating. What do you think?"
"Um, that you're a fat lazy pig who's never worked a day in his life?"
"Exactly."
"Now, time for the voting."
Dramatic shots were shown of Master Hand, the voters, and Chuck Norris.
"Now," started Master Hand. "Time for the votes."
More dramatic shots.
"Dedede."
A shot of Dedede.
"Dedede."
Another shot of Dedede.
"Wario."
A shot of Wario.
"Wario."
A shot of Paris Hilton.
"Toon Link. Um, Toon Link, this is your handwriting."
A shot of Toon Link praying under his breath, I mean cutting himself.
"Wario."
Another shot of Wario.
"Wario, Dedede, Wario."
Shots of the aformentioned people.
"Wario, you are the weakest link, goodbye."
"What?" asked Wario.
"I mean, um, the tribe has spoken." proclaimed Master Hand, snuffing out Wario's torch. "Now go away. And the rest of you go back to your camp."
Dramatic shots again, resulting in a cameraman falling into the water and drowning.
"It was kind of expected that I lost," said Wario. "I mean, nobody liked me and I had no friends. WHY? ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS EAT THEIR FOOD! And Dedede, go to hell."
Votings
"Jerk." said Dedede, voting for Wario.
"Hellspawn." insulted Wario, putting in a vote for Dedede.
"GET ME OUTTA HERE!" cried Toon Link, writing his own name down.
"You always scare me. But Dedede always scares me too. I'M SO CONFUSED! I mean- no, no, nothing's wrong..." said Pikachu, marking Wario on his ballot and hiding in the corner.
"I hate you so much. If I could, I would drag your guts out of your own body and feed them to piranhas." listed Nana, putting in a vote for Dedede. "Good luck with the rest of your life!"
"I BELIVE I CAN FLI" screamed Falcon, putting in a poor drawing of Wario.
"I saw you trying to eat my fire. YOU WILL NEVER GET IT." confessed Roy, writing Wario's name down.
"My favorite flower is the chimpanzee!" cheered Peach, writing down scribbles resembling the name "WARIOF".
"I hope my next mission is to kill you. Because I hate your so much." insisted Snake, writing down Dedede's name.
"I know you'll probably hate me for this, but... I don't think you'll be that helpful. Sorry." whispered Popo, putting down Nana's name.
Next time on, Smashy Survivor!
Tension continues between tribemates!
"GO AWAY! I HATE YOU SO MUCH!" screamed Nana.
And Peach says something semi-coherent!
"And Peach will get some more fruit."
"What?" asked Peach.
Everyone stared.
Yay.
You can play that Falcon lines game again... you get a shameless plug...