Disclaimer: I don't own Smash Bros. or any of Falcon's lines, but I do own your soul. Hand it over.
"Last time on- Smashy Survivor!" began Master Hand "People... did stuff... I don't know what... I can't even remember what I did last night... God I need to stop drinking... Now I've got to get over this hangover... Gah..."
The contestants thing started, with captions from a stand up comedian.
Tribe Yamauchi
Peach (Minimum Wage McDonalds Employee... like my inlaws!)
Captain Falcon (Bounty Hunter, hunting for beer... like my inlaws!)
Snake (Part Time Real Estate Agent who's worthless at his job... like my inlaws!)
Roy (Pyromaniac... like my inlaws!)
Pikachu (High School Student, who's going crazy... like my inlaws!)
Toon Link (Pirateing loser... like my inlaws!)
Popo (Mountaineer, the worthless one... like my inlaws!)
Nana (Mountaineer, the insane one... like my inlaws!)
Dedede (Annoyance... like my inlaws!)
Team Arakawa
Kirby (Prime Time TV Producer with anger management issues... like my inlaws!)
Zelda (Princess who just stands there and whines... like my inlaws!)
Pichu (Prime Time TV Star who just sits there and looks cute... like my inlaws!)
DK (Garbage Man who's dumb... like my inlaws!)
Yoshi (Retired CEO who's worthless... like my inlaws!)
Mario (Self-Proclaimed Plumber who deserves to be killed... like my inlaws!)
Lucas (High School Student who I want to DIE ALREADY... like my inlaws!)
Samus (Metroid Headhunter who doesn't do anytyhing... like my inlaws!)
Sonic (Electrical Appliance Salesman who's always high... like my inlaws!)
Tribe Yamauchi
Day 7
Flowers were everywhere and butterflies flew while birds sang, even though the camp was really just a few large rocks surrounded by water. Bambi ran past.
"Wow, what a nice day!" cheered Nana. "Oh, look at the birdie! Come here little birdie!"
"It sure is nice now that Wario's not here," agreed Popo. "I mean, now we actually have food. What a-"
"SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP," screamed Nana, tearing the bird's head off with her bare hands. "IF YOU SPEAK WITHOUT MY PERMISSION ONE MORE TIME, THIS ICE AXE IS GOING INTO YOUR SKULL! YOU GOT THAT?"
Popo was about to respond, but a pickaxe went straight through his skull.
"How ironic!" giggled Nana.
She was brained alive too.
"No, no, axe. Don't come towards me..." mumbled Pikachu, getting impaled by a spear along with Roy.
"I HEARBY DECREE THAT IF A SPEAR, PICKAXE OR ANY OTHER SHARP IMPLEMENT HITS ME, THE PERPETRATOR BEHIND THIS SHALL BE EXECUTED." decreed Dedede.
A toothpick was thrown into Dedede's eye.
He died.
"How beautiful is this pile of blubber?" questioned Peach, being skinned alive by razor blades.
"Thanksgiving was the day that all the Pokemon taught the Jedi how to grow crops!" cheered Falcon, his skull being crushed by rocks.
Snake was killed as well before he could say anything witty.
"WHY ARE THEY ALL DEAD AND NOT ME? TAKE ME TOO, LORD!" cried Toon Link.
Nothing happened.
"NOOOOO!" cried Toon Link, cutting himself.
Tribe Arakawa
"Did you hear screaming?" asked Pichu cutely.
"Oh, I'm sure it was nothing." said Kirby.
"..." announced Samus.
Everyone in camp was crushed by a forty ton weight.
Toon Link won.
Go home.
No, no, on second thought, don't. Stay here. I need friends. Please stay.
Tribe Arakawa
"Hello, there," said Master Hand. "You have been transported yet again... Because all of the evil terrorist Zoras that left the territory want it back."
"Wait, we've been moved AGAIN? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS SHOW?" screamed Kirby.
"Yes. So you're at Norfair, because we figured lava is better than evil terrorist Zoras. Those evil terrorist Zoras are real. Don't mess with the evil terrorist Zoras."
"Wait, do you get paid 20 dollars every time you say 'evil terrorist Zoras'?"
"Y-evil terrorist Zoras-es. Now goodbye."
"Yeah, screw you too."
"Evil terrorist Zoras!"
Tribe Yamauchi
"HiguysyouvebeenrelocatedbecauseofevilterroristZoraskbye" yelled Master Hand, flying by at the speed of light.
"Ah! No, no, nothing's wrong, no, no, lava not real, no..." mumbled Pikachu.
Pikachu touched the lava.
His hand got burned off instantly.
"Now, Pikachu, get me some water!" decreed Dedede. "And Falcon, you...
...
God, not this again."
Falcon appeared as piano music played. He started singing, much to the annoyance of everyone in the world.
"Mrs. Landers was a health nut,
She cooked food in a wok,
Mr. Harris was her boyfriend,
He had a great big-"
"Wait, wait, wait," inturrupted Popo. "Is there any way that this song is appropriate?"
There was scilence.
Falcon started again.
"Cock a doodle doodle,
The rooster just won't quit,
And I don't want my breakfast,
Because it tastes like-"
"STOP!" yelled Popo. "Really, does anybody believe this song is appropriate?"
"Pick me! Pick me! I know the answer!" screamed Peach, waving her hand.
Falcon started yet again.
"Shitzus make good housepets,
They're loveable and sweet,
Monkeys aren't good to have,
'Cause they beat their own-"
Popo facepalmed.
"Can I set him on fire? Pleeeeeaseeee?" pleaded Roy.
Again with the Falcon started again.
"Meeting in the office,
A meeting in the hall,
The boss he wants to see you,
So you can suck his-"
"REALLY, STOP IT! THERE IS NO WAY THIS CAN BE PUT ON NATIONAL TELEVISION!" yelled Popo.
"Ballzac was a writer,
He lived with Allen Funt,
Mrs. Roberts didn't like him,
But that's 'cause she's a-"
"Is anybody listening to me?" asked Popo.
"Falcon, stop." decreed Dedede.
Falcon ignored them, and continued to sing.
"Contaminated water,
Can really make you sick,
'Cause your bladder gets infected,
And blood comes out your-"
"I mean it." said Dedede. "Stop or I shall kill you with my AWESOMENESS."
"Dictate what I'm saying,
'Cause it will bring you luck,
And if you don't all like it,
I don't give a flying-"
Snake shot Falcon.
Tribe Arakawa
"Ah... oh man that's good stuff... Look at all the colors... and lines... and more colors... and colorful lines..." droned Sonic, high.
"Sonic!" yelled Lucas. "Why are you lighting your drugs in the lava? That's making it harder to quit! And it's bad for the enivornment! It's hurting the animals! Like..."
...
"Um..."
...
"Er..."
...
"OK, bad example. But there's still the option of breaking the habit! I know you can do it!"
"What are you doing?" asked DK, walking by. "What is that? What's my name? Why am I sad? What does sad mean?"
Pichu smiled cutely.
Still Tribe Arakawa
"OK, so, Yoshi," started Kirby. "We should be able to make it far in this game, and we need plot devices."
"So...?" questioned Yoshi.
"I mean, do you want want to start an alliance, idiot?"
"Um... uh... Sure, I gues-"
"Good."
Tribe Arakawa again...
Mario fell in the lava.
A sitcom laugh track played.
Samus
Metroid Headhunter
Age 30
Tribe Arakawa
"..." said Samus.
Silence.
"..."
Tribe Yamauchi
"All Antarctican alphabets are awkward!" announced Peach, always allowing any anteaters.
"Burning... beauty... burn burn burn..." bumbled a bemused Roy, burning... blueberries.
Carefully, Toon Link criss-crossed a cultiany cutting contraption.
"Do drink in Dedede's... drinkability," declared Dedede, doing... what Dedede does.
The scene ended abruptly.
Tribe Arakawa
DK spent half an hour trying to figure out what lava is.
Tribe Yamauchi
"Hey! Help handle holding... hats!" said Popo, holding hats.
"I'M IRRITATED INTO INSANITY!" ired Nana, irked.
"Just jump, Juicy Juice!" jammered Peach, jumping.
The cameramen ran away.
Sonic's Crack Fantasies
"So sweet..." stammered Sonic, "Such sweet shi-"
The studio immediately got several angry letters.
Tribe Yamauchi
"Vultures, vanity, vile!" sang Peach, um... vacuuming.
"While we watch, do women watch?" wondered Snake.
XD.
"Yet yonder, yellow yams yet to yawn?" yelled Peach.
[dramatic tension]
"Zanzibar...
...
ziles?
...Zoun-"
[/dramatic tension]
Falcon jumped out of nowhere, hitting whoever was saying that, and started to sing. Yes, again.
"United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama,
Haiti, Jamaca, Peru,
Republic Dominican, Cuba, Carribean,
Greenland, El Salvador too,
Puerto Rico, Columbia, Venezual-"
The rest of the tribe ripped off his flesh for ruining the big moment, saving millions of lives from internal bleeding of the ears in the process.
Tribe Arakawa
sonIC: HEY GUYS lol im here
LuCaS: YaY WE'VE almos difued teh bom
JULIA YAY: BUT WAT ABOT TEH PRIMIDS
The camera crew realised they were still filming Sonic's crack fantasies, and stopped... somehow.
Tribe Arakawa
Day 8
"Treemail," announced Kirby, pulling a peice of wood out of the lava.
"Bring all of your luck with you,
And also, be ready too,
Since the fight to get a reward,
To win it, it will be hard,
All of your skill will be needed,
Ready for a fight which will be unheeded,
Do be to... um... make like MacGyver,
So you can be closer to winning Survivor!"
"See? They're telling us we can believe in ourselves! Just like I do! Believe in yourselves, guys!" cheered Lucas.
Reward Challenge
"Survivors!" yelled Master Hand. "Tribe Arakawa, take a look at the new Tribe Yamauchi. Wario voted off at the last tribal council."
Tribe Arakawa looked unsuprised.
"Now, let's get to today's challenge. It's basketball, only knee-deep in lava. First tribe to score three points wins. Want to know what you're playing for?"
Nobody answered.
Master Hand pulled a cover off of something.
"A day's worth of LSD for your entire tribe!"
Sonic got one of those anime glossy-eyed looks.
The camera cut shots.
"First round. Falcon, Peach, and Pikachu against Yoshi, Lucas, and Zelda. Go!"
"My legs hurt..." complained Zelda, ignoring that the "lava" used for the challenge was actually water with red food coloring.
"So I typed pathetic crumb into a search engine, and your name popped right up!" explained Falcon, looking at Peach.
"This is fun!" screamed Peach, jumping into a peach basket... get it?
Pikachu mumbled under his breath about lava and large giant penguins coming to eat him.
Yoshi took the ball, and did a complicated manuver while dodging Peach and Pikachu, while Lucas cheered him on.
Yoshi scored. As in, he got a basket, not that other kind you sick freak.
"A point for Tribe Arakawa. Round two, Snake, Roy and Toon Link against Mario, Pichu, and Samus. Go!"
Snake immediately shot Mario and strangled Pichu.
"..." said Samus, watching Roy set Toon Link on fire, only for it to be extinguished.
Snake scored. Again, not that kind, freak of nature.
"A point for Tribe Yamauchi. Round three, Popo, Nana, and Dedede against Kirby, DK, and Sonic. Go!"
Nana was too busy shouting death threats at Popo to play.
Dedede nabbed the ball from Kirby. No, wait, sorry, he grabbed Kirby by mistake, allowing Sonic to run up and grab the ball.
Dedede dropped Kirby, making it possible for him and Sonic to pass the ball back and forth before shooting a goal.
" A point for Tribe Yamauchi."
"WHAT?" yelled Kirby. "We scored, not them! We deserve the point!"
"Too bad, I'm making the rules." taunted Master Hand. "Round three, Pikachu, Snake, and Peach against Pichu, Zelda, and Mario. Go!"
Pichu stood there and looked cute while Snake scored.
While Snake was making out with Zelda, however, Peach grabbed the ball and ate it. She then ran into a basket.
"A point for Tribe Yamauchi. Tribe Yamauchi wins!"
Sonic cried.
Everyone went home.
Tribe Arakawa
Sonic was high.
Pichu stood there and looked cute.
"..." said Samus.
Zelda complained.
Mario died.
Lucas too.
Yoshi did nothing.
DK did stupid things.
Kirby yelled at people.
There, now I don't have to focus on those guys for a while.
Tribe Yamauchi
"Do any of us actually do drugs?" questioned Popo, looking at the large amount they had.
"Throw it in the lava. No! I'll push it in there with my mind rays of AWESOMENESS." proclaimed Dedede.
Dedede poked the drugs.
They fell into the lava, creating toxic fumes.
However, these toxic fumes weren't very toxic, and just got everyone high.
"Whoah... look... There's a bright light... and it tastes delicious..." said Dedede.
"I like these..." said Peach.
"Ah... a helicopter... with a kitten jumping on the blades... Yay..." droned Nana.
"Autobots, transform and roll out!" commanded Falcon, falling over due to the lethalness of alchohol and drugs.
"Godzilla... on a skateboard... haha..." said someone of lesser importance.
"A tarantula... playing DDR... how intriguing..." mumbled Pikachu.
Alright, these guys are getting boring.
Tribe Arakawa
"Got any twos?" asked Kirby.
"Go fish," said Mario.
Pichu ran over and grabbed the fishing gear dropping it in the lava. Um, cutely.
No, wait, this is dull... damn.
That hotel you never see where all the rejects go
"Give me all your money," demanded Wario.
"..." said ROB.
Tribe Arakawa
"Your turn," said Kirby.
"I PLACE SIX IN ATTACK MODE!" hollered Sonic, thowing down a Dewgong pokemon card.
"Sonic, why did you even bother to come here if you're just going to do drugs?"
"Because it's all about SPEED!"
Kirby facepalmed.
Tribe Yamauchi
"Table," said the floor lamp. "I just... I'm leaving you for someone else."
"Heavens!" cried the table. "Why, who?"
"Why, it is for..." the floor lamp dramatically paused. "Microwave!"
"Gasp!" gasped the table.
Both bowed as the tribe applauded.
Tribe Arakawa
"STOP SWITCHING BACK AND FORTH!" cried Zelda. "I HATE IT HERE! I WANT TO GO HOME!"
Mr. Game & Watch and Jigglypuff
Currently in 3.5th Place
"You know it's hard racing around the world?" asked G&W conversationally.
"You know it's hard looking at your face?" retorted Jigglypuff.
"A face that I don't have?" replied G&W. He pulled up a clue. "Road Block!"
"In this Road Block, both team members must commit horrible suicide!" said Master Hand.
"Actually, only one person can do a-" G&W was interrupted by Jigglypuff killing herself.
...
Mr. Game & Watch won the million dollars.
Nana stared in awe.
Toon Link tried to cut himself, but being high, he missed and stabbed his own eye.
Tribe Arakawa
"Alright, guys, apparently we're supposed to be the serious ones here while the other tribe is just doing a lame attempt at comic relief." announced Kirby. "How about we build a shelter, or get some food, or do any of those other things that don't seem to be nessecary."
Pichu was dying of starvation... and exposure... exposure to Halo...
"Wait, how do you know that the other tribe is just being useless?" questioned Yoshi.
Popo ran past, on fire.
"Whoah, he's walking on fire! I knew he could do it if he tried!" cheered Lucas.
Popo fell through the fire and into the lava. The lava died.
Tribe Yamauchi
Dedede grabbed the treemail, the whole tribe still high.
"You have a pickle,
A monkey,
And a raft,
Find a way,
To get across,
A desert,
And stuff."
Everybody passed out.
Immunity Challenge
"Survivors!" called Master Hand. "Form up! I don't know but I've been told..."
Everyone stared.
"Um... ahem... Anyway, Tribe Arakawa, give back immunity."
They did. Not without a fight. This fight was a war in France, however.
"Now, here's the first actually thought out challenge this season!"
A montage showed while Master Hand explained.
"Five members from each tribe will take turns at five stations to chop at a series of ropes. Once these ropes are chopped through, you will get a bag of large puzzle coins. Once all five members have their coins, the remaining four members will put them on a large pole with a heavy stone base. Once they have completed the puzzle, they will drag it across a finish line. First tribe to do so wins immunity."
The film cut to when they find out that Rosebud is the sle- Oh, damn, wrong thing.
"Alright, Toon Link, Nana, Dedede, Snake, and Peach cutting for Tribe Yamauchi and Kirby, Lucas, Samus, Zelda, and Mario for Tribe Arakawa. Survivors ready, go!"
Peach fell right onto the machete she was given, which ended up impaling her skull. She suffered no brain damage, however.
Kirby immediately ran up and hacked at the rope, causing the coins to fall.
Toon Link ran up and started to cut at the rope, but noticed that he had a cutting implement and cut himself.
Lucas did an inspirational cheer while cutting at the rope, making it through and releasing the coins.
Snake actually staggered over to the booth with the rope, and cut through. He then passed out.
Toon Link dragged the coins to his tribe.
Mario cut through his rope but did too large a swing, and the machete flew out of his hands and into Peach's eye. He got the coins either way.
Nana violently hacked at the rope, but due to the fact that in this case "violently" means "barely at all", nothing happened.
Samus just threw the machete from where she was standing, and it cut through the rope and swung back like a boomerang, carrying the coins with it.
Nana still hacked at her rope, except that she was hacking at thin air instead of the rope.
Sonic staggered up to the booth and threw up.
Nana finally got the rope to break, and she threw the machete behind her, disemboweling Peach. However, no lasting damage was done, and Nana brought the coins.
Sonic threw up again, dropping the machete, having it oh-so coincidentally cut through the rope.
Dedede started to stroll at a leisurely pace towards the bag.
Sonic noticed the coins and went back to his tribemates.
Dedede stopped to pick a flower.
Pichu, Yoshi, Zelda, and DK started to do the puzzle. That is, Pichu cutely tried to do the puzzle, ignoring the clearly written insructions on the side, Yoshi stood back nervously, Zelda whined, and DK stood there, staring at the air in front of him.
Dedede stopped to tie his non-existant shoes.
Pichu still slaved at the puzzle.
Dedede simply grabbed the bag and walked back.
"Oh, let me do this." muttered Yoshi, doing the puzzle in half of a second.
Dedede stopped to look at a butterfly.
Yoshi and Pichu started to pull the pole over the finish line. This was not hard, considering the pole weighed about 10 pounds.
"Tribe Arakawa wins immunity!" announced Master Hand. "Blah blah blah, tribal council, blah blah."
Everybody left. Not that you care. I'm suprised if you've even read this far.
Tribe Yamauchi
The tribe staggered back into the toxic fumes of the drugs, Popo wisely staying out of it because it was green.
"I think giving the vote to pistachios is a good idea!" proclaimed Roy.
Everybody else glared at him.
Roy lit a match.
The flammability of the fumes caused the air to blow up.
Nothing else happened because I'm sick of writing this scene.
Tribal Council
Strange tribal yells of pain were heard as the tribe walked into tribal council.
"Now," began Master Hand. "You're here for the second time in a row. How does that make you feel?"
"Happy!" cheered Nana. "By getting rid of somebody we'll find a better living enviornment and-"
"OK. And now-"
"SHUTTHEHELLUPSHUTTHEHELLUPSHUTTHEHELLUP!" screamed Nana. "WERE YOU ASKED TO TALK? IVE GOT A CHAINSAW HERE THAT DOESN'T THINK SO!"
Master Hand back away.
"Well," he said. "Is there a real leader of your tribe yet?"
Dedede stood up.
"ME!" he proclaimed. "MY AWESOMENESS HAS DECLARED IT SO!"
"I see. And now, it's time to vote. Start."
Montagemontagemontage.
"Now let me get the votes."
Montageofthecontestantsmontageofthecontestantsmontageofthecontestants.
"Now, let me begin. First vote: Dedede."
A closeup of Dedede was shown.
"Second vote: Dedede."
Another closeup of Dedede was shown.
"Third vote: Roy. That's two votes Dedede, one vote Roy."
A closeup of Roy was shown.
"Fourth vote: Roy. Statistics that I don't feel like keeping track of at the moment."
A close up of Pichu.
"Fifth vote: Roy."
A close up of Roy again.
"Sixth vote: Dedede."
A close up of Roy again.
"Seventh and eigth votes: Roy. Bring your torch up."
Roy cried and hugged his torch, then handed over.
"I am sorry to tell you that you are the last team to arrive and you have been eliminated from the race. I mean, um, just go."
Master Hand put out the torch.
"I believe that this was probably a shock voting. I'm shocked." said Roy. "I really think that what got everybody annoyed was the firing- FIRE FIRE FIRE BURN BURN BURN!"
Who voted who
"Oppression... bring out the oppression..." mumbled Pikachu, writing Dedede's name.
"AAAH NOBODY LOVES ME!" cried Toon Link, voting for himself.
"I HATE YOU AND YOU'RE SUCH A nice person and I love you!" procliamed Nana, putting down a vote for Dedede.
"You really have to stop burning down whatever we make." whispered Popo, voting Roy.
"Stop lighting things on fire, I proclaimed. But no, you had to continue. SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES." said Dedede, voting for Roy.
Peach wrote down "RIY" and poked himself in the eye with the pen. She then giggled.
Falcon wrote down "MAH BOY" and passed out.
"Stop lighting things on fire, you said. NO." mocked Roy, voting for Dedede.
"Plot devices," murmured Snake, writing down Roy's name.
"Next time on- things that'll never happen!"
"Dedede attempts to take more control!"
"Mario, shine my shoes. Kirby, fetch me some water." proclaimed Dedede.
Everybody stared.
"And the alliances just might do something!"
Something meaningful happened.
Man, it was hard writing this one. Especially who to vote out... not like you care.