Chapter 9- Fighting Ghosts
It was amazing how normal everything felt. We had left Earth only weeks before, but it seemed as though we never left the ship. Everyone resumed their normal functions with an urgent, comfortable sense of familiarity. Every morning I got up, went down to deck 5, made the rounds, went to lunch with Uhura and whoever was available that day, finished my shift, ate dinner with McCoy, Scotty, and anyone else brave enough to join in, and then attended fencing lessons with Sulu before going to bed feeling like my ass had been worked over.
Sulu learned that I used to collect swords during lunch with Uhura one day and he enthusiastically told me about his passion for fencing. His eyes lit up like I had never seen before while he told us about the amount of skill required. Despite telling him that I collected swords as works of art and not weapons to swing at people, he insisted that I stop by the recreation room that night to watch him and Chekov practice. There was no way I could deny his simple request, he seemed positively exuberant at the prospect of sharing his hobby with me. He didn't flinch even when he was being fired on when the Romulans attacked, so to see him so excited underlined the fact that it was sort of a big deal to him.
I watched as he and Chekov danced around each other in an intricate flurry of lunging and deft defense, foils clashing and bending until Sulu managed to sidestep Pavel's attack and stab him in the chest with the blunted end of his weapon. I applauded and Sulu removed his mask to flash a thousand watt smile. "It was very graceful." I complimented. "Now I realize how much skill is involved, I am sure it is harder than it looks."
"I can teach you." Sulu offered. "I am showing Chekov how to do it, and he is coming along very quickly."
"I am no athlete by any stretch of the imagination." I laughed. "I am not sure who it would be more painful for, you or me."
In the days that followed, I found the answer and it definitely wasn't Sulu. I had to give it to him, he had seemingly endless patience with me, but that didn't mean he was at all merciful. I swore Saren never worked me over as much as Sulu did. "Again!" he would shout after I had failed to execute a particular maneuver correctly for the hundredth time. But I knew there was no leaving the room until I nailed it to his satisfaction, so weak and out of breath, I resumed my position for yet another attempt.
It was all I could do not to fall across McCoy's desk and weep in agony. Muscles I didn't know I had hurt. McCoy knew, of course, but he wouldn't say anything as he watched me wince when I moved too fast. He knew I would refuse any medication as long as it was still bearable, as a general rule I didn't like being pumped full of drugs if I could do without them. But I was getting better. Sulu would sometimes compliment me on my form and it gave me the encouragement to keep going despite the slow progress and the pain. I found an almost perverse pleasure in the pain, it meant I was pushing myself further than I thought I could go to learn a new skill and I found the challenge rewarding. Jim and Spock even came to watch once at Sulu's invitation. The two looked on while I faced Chekov. Jim yelled various comments through the bout, but Spock stood quietly and observed with all the intensity of watching paint dry until Chekov scored by disarming me. It was no surprise he would win since he was better trained, but I felt that I gave it my best and he was naturally a good sportsman about it.
"Maybe next time, Doc." Jim said slapping me on the back.
"An impressive attempt, doctor." Spock commented. "Perhaps with continued practice you will become better skilled. The logic with which you anticipated and reacted to Mr. Chekov's advances was sound, but I believe it is your technique that must improve if you are to be successful in this pursuit."
"Thank you, Spock." I panted. That was probably as close as I would ever come to a compliment from him.
"Again?" Sulu asked swinging his sword in a wide arc at his side. As if the last match wasn't enough of a beat down.
"Let's go, Obi-Wan." I smiled putting my mask back on. He laughed every time I compared him to the Jedi master and as such he was quick to teach me a lesson by defeating me in a matter of seconds as though he were shooing a fly. I had such a long way to go… But we shook hands and no hard feelings were ever carried beyond the floor.
"Obi-Wan?!" Jim howled clearly amused. "Wait, does that make Chekov Luke?"
"Sure," I laughed, "you would make a fine Han Solo, Spock clearly has to be Yoda- no contest there. So that only leaves McCoy as Chewy."
"He yells like him." Sulu chuckled.
"Or Darth Vader the way he rules deck 5 with an iron fist." Jim looked at Spock who either didn't get the reference or was not in the mood for frivolous comparisons. "Hey," Jim said with a smile, "Yoda was a badass. Be thankful you don't look anything like Jaba." Spock didn't even bat an eye. "Ah!" Jim sighed waving him off and turning to me. "You have to be Princess Leah!"
"No way!" I protested. "Let Uhura do that, she would probably look much better in the costume. Padme is more my style- a mediating force."
"HA!" Jim jumped and shouted with a huge grin. "Do you realize what you just did?" He almost squealed. "It is too perfect! If you are Padme, you are married to McCoy and Chekov is your son! How funny is that? You two can't get away from each other even in an alternate reality!"
"But then Chekov is Uhura's brother," Sulu chimed in, "and that means you have to kiss her at least once." Pavel casually shrugged and my heart sank.
It was ever so subtle, but I saw it clear as day. Spock's eyes wavered for just a second as he looked at the floor and I knew then and there what Uhura had decided. No one else knew that this conversation had suddenly become unbearable for him and there was no way he could tell them. I approached him and said, "Spock, I am feeling a little dizzy. Can you walk with me to my quarters?"
Everyone stopped laughing and Sulu asked, "Are you going to be ok, Dr. Collins?"
"I probably just need to drink some water and lay down for a minute. It is probably nothing." I lied.
"If you are unwell, I should notify Dr. McCoy at once." Spock stated assuming his default stance with his hands behind his back.
I took a small step closer and gave him a hard look that only he could see and replied, "I am sure I will be fine. I just need someone to walk with me." I then gave him a small smile and hoped he wasn't too dense at picking up hints.
He looked down at me with equally intense eyes before he relented. "Very well, doctor. I will escort you to your quarters." His left eye twitched just before he turned away, but the rest of his face was unreadable as usual.
We only got a few steps out of the rec room before he stated in a low voice, "Your claim of illness was disingenuous. I recall your appearance when you last were genuinely 'dizzy' as you called it. You showed no signs on this occasion. So what was the motivation for your deception?" He was trying to keep the irritation out of his voice, but his eyes were a boiling cauldron.
"I saw you, Spock." I said quietly. "I know."
He paused to look at me. Outwardly he remained the personification of perfect protocol; head up, shoulders back, neutral expression. But his eyes had become absolutely vacant in a haunting way that betrayed his carefully constructed façade. It was the look of the walking dead and I had seen it a million times before. My worst nightmare had come true much sooner than I had imagined. "Doctor, if you are requiring me to participate in a psychological evaluation, I will comply. Otherwise, I wish to decline."
"Spock," I replied in a soothing tone, "I would like to think that you would participate for your own good and not because you feel forced into it. If you are not ready, we do not have to do this now. The last thing I want to do is traumatize you even more."
His eyes became a damn that tried desperately to hold back the flood of emotion that raged inside. It was almost too painful to watch, but I couldn't look away least he feel that what little emotion he was showing was inappropriate and clamp down even more. He took a deep breath and his eyes cleared. "I do not wish to participate at this time." He stated. Far from the usual authoritative tone he most often employed, he seemed to be asking for mercy in his own way.
"Ok." I consented. "But promise me you will come and find me when you are ready. No matter what time of day or night, I am here." I assured. He gave a quick nod and walked briskly down the hall and out of sight much like he had the first time he walked me to my room. If it were anyone else I may have been more persistent, but I knew Spock was a man of his word. If he said he would locate me when he could better bear it, then he would. All I had to do was wait.
"You lost again?" McCoy asked walking up behind me. His expression changed when I didn't respond. He looked down the empty hall and inquired, "Are you ok? You look like you have seen a ghost."
"I did." I sighed. "I just saw the ghost of a man." McCoy's eyes darted around as though he didn't know how to respond. "So where were you off to?" I asked relieving the tension in the air.
"My quarters." He answered still perplexed. "It's getting late. Beauty sleep and all…are you sure you are ok?" His eyes were intense.
"Yeah." I faked a smile. "Hazard of the job."
He shook his head knowingly. "Then my prescription is a stiff shot of whatever will knock your ass out. About a half bottle of bourbon does it for me, but you will probably only need a thimble full. I heard about the party in the lounge." His eyes twinkled.
"Yeah, why didn't you go?" I asked. "For crying out loud, even Spock was there! I wouldn't think you would let him show you up like that."
His eyes again became dark and he mumbled, "I saw a ghost. Hazard of the job. Besides, I was under the impression that you hated me anyway."
"Hate is a pretty strong word…" I mused.
"Ok, dislike intensely…whatever. What was it you called me? A menace? Maniac?" He asked smiling. "Was that your professional opinion, Doctor?"
"You heard that?" I laughed. "I was telling Spock that you needed time off and I do not recall the term I used." Pleading ignorance seemed the best option.
"Yeah, but now you see that I am always on call. I have a snowball's chance in hell of getting a moment's peace as long as Jim is conscious and moving about the ship. The shit is liable to hit the fan at any second with him. He is a walking disaster just waiting to happen." He rubbed his face with his hands in frustration.
"Go to bed and try to get some rest. You seem tired." I suggested.
"Yeah, yeah." He grumbled. "Don't nag me, woman." He flashed a sly smile to let me know he was joking. Otherwise I would have gone off on him for the sexist remark and he knew it.
"You aren't going to just let this go, are you?" I asked laughing.
"Not by a long shot." He answered. "If I got roped into this ridiculous plot, at least let me have some laughs out of it for Christ sake."