Lifeboats
"Kate, I'm gonna-" Castle starts, his face going so completely white that terror spikes hard in Kate's stomach even as she grabs for the emesis basin and thrusts it towards him. Clutching it with both hands, Castle folds almost in half as he wretches.
There's nothing but bile for him to bring up anymore but even so, his stomach contracts painfully and Kate's own belly stirs as if in sympathy. For a moment, she considers giving him space. But this is Rick; he wallows whenever he's not feeling good and searches for the comfort of closeness from anyone around him. Settling a palm at his spine, Kate rubs gently until he can sit up straight. "Think you can make it to the bathroom?"
"If you help me." He mutters, standing up and leaning heavily on Kate. A hand cupping his elbow, Beckett guides him slowly through to the bathroom and settles him to sit on the closed lid of the toilet. Eyes shut, Rick tips his head backward on his neck and gropes for her hand, squeezing her fingers hard. "I hate this, Kate."
"I know baby." She murmurs softly, crouching down in front of him and stroking her fingers over his knee. It feels ridiculous, like it couldn't possibly comfort him, but he constantly seeks the reassurance of her touch and it's so easy to give him, it's nothing. Honestly, it helps her too to feel the pulse of his life underneath her fingertips.
After a moment, he stops shaking and seems to be a little more under control again. Kate stands and kisses his forehead, the sheen of sweat there cooling him down so rapidly that he's cold against her lips. There's a glass already next to the sink and Beckett fills it with water, hands it over to him.
The first time they did this she lifted it to his mouth, thinking it might be easier on him. Instead he'd cried into her shoulder, his grief desperate as the helplessness consumed him. So now she's careful to let him do as much as he can manage, to not take over for him.
"You wanna brush your teeth?" She asks once he's drained the glass, the first sip swilled around his mouth and spat into the sink. Kate's fingers clench at her sides with the yearning to soothe him. To card her fingers through long-gone hair.
He shaved his head a couple days after his first chemotherapy treatment, determined not to let the cancer take his hair from him. He sat down with Kate, along with his mother and daughter, and explained that he wanted to be the one to do it, that he wanted to make the choice for himself rather than it be down to the toxic chemicals running riot in his system.
It still startles Kate every so often, her heart kicking harder in her chest when she catches sight of him. He'd been terrified that she'd no longer find him attractive without his hair, and Kate had done everything she could to reassure him.
Mostly, a lot of making out and putting up with Rick's lamentation that he's too exhausted for anything more than that. Not that it matters to Kate. In fact, she's surprised by how little she misses sex. The constant battle to take care of him, to make it easier on him, sucks up all of her energy so she never has time to dwell on it.
Rick drops his head to pillow against her stomach and Kate curls her fingers at his shoulder to keep him in place, leaning down to kiss the smooth curve of his bare scalp. It seems to lend him some strength and he gets to his feet, shuffling around to stand in front of the sink.
Lifting his eyes to the mirror, Castle grimaces and turns back to look at her, his face twisted with a potent cocktail of guilt and apology. "I look like crap. I'm sorry. Not very attractive."
"Rick." Kate grits out, sliding her arms around his waist and nudging her hips against his, the whole hot line of her body pressed in tight. "I don't care. I love you."
"You're extraordinary." He smiles at her, and even if he is still a little green around the gills the crinkles at the corners of his eyes still send showers of riotous joy through her belly. Laughing quietly, Kate nudges at him and shoots a glance to his toothbrush before she steps back to give him room.
When he finishes up with brushing his teeth, Castle comes in close and kisses her softly. Just a tender brush of their mouths, but Kate hums and lifts up into it. Lately, he's been nauseous a lot of the time, and it means that whenever he feels well enough he makes the most of it. There have been a lot of dry spells, interspersed with times when the touch of his mouth is narcotic and he can hardly keep his hands off of her.
"You're feeling good?"
"Mm, yeah. I don't wanna go back to bed." He grumbles, knotting his fingers through hers and kissing her again. The exhaustion means that a lot of Rick's time is spent either in bed or ensconced on the couch, and he hates it. It's not as if he's using the time for writing, either; he's too tired to do much more than just lie around watching television.
Right now though, he seems okay. More steady on his feet than he has been in a while, and when he grins at her there's no hint of discomfort in it to betray him. "Okay babe. What would you like to do?"
"I don't know." He shrugs, chewing on his bottom lip. It's a habit he's picked up from her; she sees it most frequently when he's battling back the nausea but he also does it a lot of the time when he's thinking. "I just want to spend time with the woman I love outside of everything cancer-related."
"Oh, shall I call her?" Kate smirks, lifting an eyebrow at him. His hands circle her waist and he yanks her in close, diving for her mouth before Kate even gets a chance to grin. When he breaks their kiss, Kate half expects him to step back, but his fingers clutch at her a little harder and his forehead comes to settle against hers.
"Can we get out of the loft? I'm going stir crazy."
"Okay. You wanna go get coffee?"
"Oh God, yes." He laughs, shaking his head at himself. Although he's still allowed caffeine, he's drastically cut down his daily intake so that he can sleep easier. They hadn't thought he'd have any problems sleeping, not with the exhaustion, but he struggled until he cut down on his coffee intake.
Now, coffee is reserved for the days he feels good. Which apparently is today, although not ten minutes ago he was throwing up into the basin. Stepping back from his embrace, Kate lets a slow smile spread across her face and heads for their bedroom, turning in the doorway to glance at him. "Great. Get your coat."
Today is a good day. Three months into his chemotherapy treatment, Castle hasn't had many of those in a while. Despite the fact that he threw his guts up this morning, he feels stronger than he has for such a long time.
Halfway through his treatment, Rick is still amazed every day by the outpouring of love from his family. His mother, his daughter and the woman he wants to call his wife. So many times, he's wanted to just ask her already, but he doesn't want her memories of his proposal to be tainted with his sickness.
He can wait, he will wait. Until he can get down on one knee and not worry about how he's going to make it back up again. Until he has the energy to celebrate properly with her.
His musing must be evident on his face because Kate frowns at him from the other end of the couch, her face furrowed in askance. Rick shrugs off her concern and resumes his massage of her bare feet where they rest in his lap.
In front of Kate, Alexis sits on the floor in a nest she made of blankets and pillows, and Beckett's fingers smooth through Rick's daughter's hair over and over again. Earlier, Kate hung up the sheet and set up the projector so they could have a family movie night in the living room; on the screen Harry Potter battles Voldemort.
Of course he's tired, but it feels less debilitating than normal. He still has the energy to join in the conversation, although a lot of the time he's content to just listen to Kate and Alexis. It's amazing, how much his little girl has grown to love Detective Beckett. And even more so, how much Kate loves her right back.
The two of them are closer than he ever dared hope for, so even if something does happen to him, he's not worried. His baby girl will be okay. And Kate, too.
It's something he tries not to dwell on. If he dies, Kate loses another person she loves and his daughter loses the only real parent she has. So he's determined not to. He'll beat this thing.
The doctors are pleased with his progress, keep telling him that the fatigue and the nausea are completely normal and not something he should worry about. He just has to make it through another three months and then, if he's lucky, he'll be cancer free.
"Daddy." Alexis tips her head backward and to the side so she can look at him, her little face rich with excitement. "I got a part in the play."
"You did? That's awesome, good job pumpkin." He grins, opening his arms to her. His daughter clambers up from the floor and onto the couch, arranging herself in his arms. At his side, Kate sits up and comes in to lean against him instead, tugging Alexis' legs into her own lap and tickling the sensitive underside of her knees.
Squirming, Alexis wriggles around and elbows him in the ribs on her way to go writhe around in Kate's arms instead. Watching the two of them together, Rick's heart swells with adoration and contentment. He wants so badly to do this again, give Alexis siblings to dote on. And only with Kate Beckett.
He really ought to just ask her, cancer be damned. And it's not as if he's waiting for anything; Kate's not the sort of woman you buy a ring for. No, he'll ask and if she says yes he'll get to take her ring shopping, let her pick it out for herself.
"Will you both come watch me?" Alexis asks, turning an expectant face up to him. At least she's stopped wriggling around now; Kate looks less like she's struggling to breathe under the weight of his nine year old.
Rick makes his eyebrows dance at his little girl, his hand making it halfway to her side to tickle her before he thinks better of it. "Are you sure I won't embarrass you in front of your friends?"
He tries to pass it off as a joke, but a blanket of tension settles over the three of them and Kate sends him a tender look over his daughter's head. Alexis takes a moment to think and then she shrugs, splaying a hand at his cheek. "As long as you don't make any stupid jokes, it'll be okay."
"Then I'd love to come."
"Great!" Alexis beams, tipping sideways to sprawl out on the empty couch cushion next to Castle's girlfriend. "And you have to come too, Kate."
"Of course I'll come, sweetheart. I wouldn't miss it for the world. And anyway, someone has to rein your dad in." Kate laughs, pressing a kiss to his cheek to soften the blow of her teasing. Not that he even notices; the endearment she just used with his daughter has him thoroughly distracted.
Alexis props herself up on her elbows and gazes down the length of her body at the two of them, her chin creased comically. "Do you think Gram will come too?"
"Of course she will." Rick reassures his little girl, squeezing her slender feet to make her laugh. "Her only granddaughter a famous actress? She wouldn't miss it for anything."
"Yay! I'll tell my teacher that my whole family are coming to watch." Alexis beams, rolling sideways off of the couch onto the floor where she sprawls for a moment before getting to her feet. "I'm gonna have a shower. After will you braid my hair so it's curly tomorrow?"
"Sure." Kate grins at Castle's daughter, resting her head at Rick's shoulder once Alexis is out of sight. The weight of her is comforting against him and Castle curls an arm at her back to keep her close. "She's an amazing kid."
"You're pretty amazing yourself." Rick murmurs, pressing a soft kiss to the crown of Kate's head. A part of him wants to lie her down underneath him on the couch and kiss her properly, show her just how much he adores her, but the nausea is roiling in his stomach again and he's scared to move in case he unbalances the tremulous equilibrium of his guts.
Kate's fingers come to the crease of his elbow and trace the edge of the dressing that covers his PICC line, a nervous habit of hers. Most of the time he's able to forget that the catheter is even there, he only notices it when it's time to change the dressing. At the hospital after they inserted the PICC line, the nurses taught both Kate and his mother how to change the dressing for him, since he couldn't do it with only one hand.
Even after three months, it still surprises him that Kate is so tender towards him, so achingly careful whenever she changes the bandage. Mostly, she treats him exactly the same as she always has done, but when it matters she's gentle and sweet.
"You need anything?"
"No. Just you."
He wants to say forever, but her fingers are still tracing the crisp white gauze inside of his elbow and the sharp claws of exhaustion are clutching at him, numbing him until his whole world narrows down to just her and he can't fathom anything past this moment.
Shifting to get comfortable, Rick pillows his head against the back of the couch and lets his eyes fall closed. Really, he ought to go to bed; his neck will protest in the morning. Only, he's comfortable and warm and the familiar smell of his daughter's shampoo fills the loft as she settles on the floor in front of Kate.
The two chat quietly, mindful not to disturb him but careful to maintain some semblance of normality. He hates the cancer, of course he does, but a part of him is grateful to it. It's been a catalyst, forcing him to man up and ask for what he wants. Notably, for Kate to stay.
So the moment he gets the all clear from the doctor, he'll ask her. To marry him. He wants her to be his wife. Once his treatment is done, he doesn't want her to go home. A bunch of her things are here already, slowly accumulating as she lives with them, and both she and her possessions fit in seamlessly with his family.
When Kate's fingers come to his cheek he startles hard and his eyes fly open to see her leaning over him, a soft smile already painting her face in greeting. "Hey. Were you asleep?"
"Guess so."
"Alexis has gone up already. Let's get you to bed."
He stands up slowly and reaches for her hand, draws her in close so they can walk to their bedroom side by side. Not him leaning on her, not her hovering as if any moment she'll have to catch him. Just the two of them as equals.
The sheets are already pulled back on the bed, so all Rick has to do is peel off his pants and shirt and flop down onto the mattress in his boxers and undershirt. Apparently Kate has already completed her nightly routine because she doesn't disappear to the bathroom; she climbs right in beside him. Cracking open an eye, Rick sees that she's wearing yoga pants and a t shirt of his that is enormous on her, hangs off of the birdcage of her skeleton.
Kate reaches down to tug the sheets up and tucks them around him, settling with her body draped half on his chest. He might have to get up in the night to throw up, but for right now they can pretend it's just an ordinary night and there are no toxic chemicals swimming in his bloodstream.
Without his conscious permission his palm splays at the toned plane of Kate's stomach, the warmth of her delicious even through her shirt. His mind wanders and he allows himself to imagine a few years from now and a precious life kicking against his palm.
How beautiful Kate would be, swollen with his child. How fiercely they would love their baby. How Alexis would adore her little brother or sister.
For such a long time, his family has been unconventional. Cancer has been something of a watershed for him, made him evaluate what he wants for his life, what's the most important thing to him. His family, the people he loves, mean more to him than anything.
Every day he's grateful for them, for the light they bring with them. He just wants Kate to stay. Beside him in the bed she arches into his touch and hums, relaxing back to the mattress with a sigh and wriggling to get comfortable almost exactly like his daughter did on the couch earlier this evening.
A slender arm slides around his waist and Kate's nose nudges his cheek, her breath hot as it curls around his neck. Rick focuses on that, on right now, because the yearning for their future threatens to crush him. And eventually the rhythmic lift and collapse of her chest drags him right down into sleep with her.