Chapter 11- He Said
He sat tensely in the chair only after I had directed him to do so. He looked straight ahead with his hands resting flat on his thighs, but his breathing was steady and light. I resumed my position in front of him trying to mimic his posture as much as my sore muscles would allow and opened by saying, "I am glad you came. I knew you would since you gave me your word, but I guess I wasn't expecting you so soon."
It was sometimes eerie the way he kept absolutely still and moved only his eyes like some predator waiting to strike. I had been told he was a pacifist, but then again I remembered what Jim told me about him looking into the eyes of a god that was about to destroy you and I got a hint of that. If he unnerved me now when he was only irritated, I could only imagine what it would be like to see him angry. "I saw no advantage to delaying the inevitable." He answered coolly. "Should I begin by telling you about my mother?"
I searched his face for any subtle clue that he was joking, but he was absolutely carved out of green tinted marble. Rather than take a chance, I cautiously said, "If that is where you would like to begin."
"On the contrary, Doctor." He lilted. "I have done research on the education you would have received during your training and I discovered it to be most congruent with the medical model based in biology rather than Freud's psychodynamic orientation. As such, my childhood and family dynamics would be a waste of time to you."
"Well done, you did your homework." I complimented. "However, just because I am more of a biologist doesn't mean I didn't learn or value other approaches. As much as I would love for it to be true, humans cannot be reduced to neurochemistry and interconnected cortex tissues. If that were the case, McCoy could just give you a shot in the neck and make it all go away but he can't. He can dull your senses to the core so you don't care about what you are experiencing, but when the drugs wear off you will be back at square one. Unfortunately humans are much more complex than medicine alone can cure or even fully explain. So if you want to tell me about your family, I don't consider it a waste of my time because in the end what is important to you is important to me."
He sat motionless, not even blinking for the longest time. "But I am not fully human, Doctor." He quietly reminded.
"No, you are not." I agreed. "But at least half of you is, and that is the part that I can see so clearly. Spock, I am not going to sit here and pretend like I fully understand you because I don't. I am at a disadvantage because I do not know what being a Vulcan looks like, I can only assume Vulcan is the part of you that I can't recognize as human. Even so, if what you told me about our species being related is true, we can't be all that dissimilar. As much as your culture valued logic, I am betting the farm that like humans, they also were too complex to be reduced to biology alone. It isn't my goal to make you more human or to devalue your Vulcan heritage as being somehow abnormal. I have a great deal of respect for you, and as such I accept you for who you are and I care about your well being. I can't speak to your Vulcan side, but your human side needs help. Now what went on earlier today?" I was already holding two aces, I just needed him to give up the last two…
"You are correct that Vulcans and humans are similarly complex creatures, but how is it you can so easily determine which parts of my psyche are human and which are Vulcan?" He asked.
"I can't." I sighed. "At least I can't explain it any better than by saying that there are times when you are in a good mood or when you are sad that I can feel it as strongly as though it were my own emotion. If you want a biological answer, my mirror neurons are reflecting your mood state which in turn activate the corresponding emotional centers in my limbic system."
"Fascinating." He said simply.
"The system isn't foolproof." I lamented. "There are times, perhaps when you are more strongly Vulcan, that I feel nothing." I quickly smiled. "Now that I have told you how to cheat the system, you owe me."
He looked astonished that I would be so blunt, but I knew that he would evade the question as long as he could if I didn't keep him on track. His eyes fell as well as his voice. "I am certain you are aware of the pairing between the Ensign and I." He couldn't even bring himself to say her name, how very human. "I discovered her sharing an intimate moment with Mr. Scott last night when I visited her quarters as I most often do."
"What happened?" I asked. I didn't bother using soft tones with him, I just didn't think that kind of thing would work on him.
"I can only assume she must have informed you of this. I see no purpose in reiterating information you already possess." His voice was strained and his left eye twitched again.
"I want to hear it from you." I stated flatly so he would know there was no negotiating to be done.
"Doctor, I…" He looked to me in yet another attempt to dodge the question. I raised my eyebrows, but said nothing. There was no way he was begging off this time. "Very well." He surrendered. "I went to her quarters to wish her a good rest and when I approached the door, I heard her and another person laughing. I hailed her door, but she did not answer. Believing she had visitors and did not want to be disturbed, I had decided to continue on to my quarters. But as I turned to depart, I heard something." He stopped abruptly and his eyes began to stir.
"What did you hear, Spock?" I prompted.
He took a deep breath to compose himself. "It was on the order of a muffled cry that humans make when they are frightened. Although I had no direct evidence, I became suspicious that she was being harmed. It sounded like the Ensign and I went back to the door and hailed it one last time before manually overriding the security code. I entered the room prepared to neutralize the potential threat, but she was in no danger. She appeared to be quite satisfied with her circumstances in fact. She was engaged in the human custom of pressing mouths together with Mr. Scott."
"Kissing." I corrected. "And it made you angry?" I knew it would be hard to get any feeling statements from him, but anger was one of the most recognizable and base emotions. I had to try.
"No." He said blankly.
"Come on, Spock!" I said rolling my eyes. "You witnessed the woman you cared for kissing another man and you want me to believe that you just shrugged your shoulders and walked out of the room?!"
"In that moment, Doctor, I was unable to feel anything without the need to control my emotions in the manner in which I was trained." He replied with a slight sense of awe. "It was only in the time following that I found it difficult."
"And what did you experience during that time?" I asked.
This is like trying to get blood out of a turnip.
"I was angry and disappointed." He answered stoically.
I was shocked. Did he just put names to and admit feelings? Ever the professional, I kept my poker face straight and asked, "Did you feel betrayed, question why you weren't good enough for her?"
He shook his head. "I always knew that our pairing was incongruent based on the ways in which humans are accustomed to relating to their mates. Vulcans do not openly show affection or express amorous sentiments and I found it difficult to do so. Still, I attempted to comply in order to honor her wishes as often as my human side would allow, but I knew it was not sufficient. So in that respect I did not expect the association to continue. However, the manner in which she chose to end the pairing was not honorable even by human standards and I could not understand why she would choose that option rather than just ask me to no longer show interest in her. It did not seem to fit with her previous patterns of behavior."
"So what can you make of that?" I challenged. "If it didn't seem like something she would do, why else could it have happened?"
"Of that I am uncertain." He replied.
"Perhaps here is where humans and Vulcans differ." I suggested. "Vulcans seem to be all about total control, in thought and deed. Humans have the desire to be perfect, but sometimes we do things that we don't mean to. We are not always 100% in control and we end up doing things that we regret."
"Yes, I have observed this phenomenon several times with Dr. McCoy and the Captain when they have ingested too much alcohol." He said dryly.
I smiled. "Exactly. Perhaps the same force was at work. Either she did it on purpose to hurt you or she didn't. Which is more likely?"
"I do not have enough prior evidence to suggest her actions were malicious, but the result was the same." He mused.
"I am not excusing her actions." I defended. "But you have to look at the end result and ask yourself how happy you would have been in a relationship that was unsatisfactory. It was a terrible way for you to find out, but now you are free of your obligation to her. Hopefully you will find someone who is closer to your comfort zone so you can be who you are and not what others want you to become."
"A logical conclusion." He said with a nod as he stood up. "Am I cleared to resume my duties, Doctor?"
"That depends," I shrugged. "Do you think you work effectively with her so nearby?"
He snapped to attention and regained his authoritative voice. "That is without question, Doctor."
"Ok then." I agreed walking with him to the door. "I will make a note of it in your file tomorrow." I said jokingly.
"How prestigious that I be the first of many." He stated.
"Wait," I said as he walked out the door, "what do you mean?"
He seemed somewhat surprised. "The Captain neglected to inform you? He wanted an updated psychological evaluation for every crew member since the service has been less than complete due to Dr. McCoy's primary duties as CMO."
My jaw dropped. "He did indeed neglect to tell me that. How many crew members are there?" I asked a little apprehensively.
"At the moment there are 82 active enlisted and an additional 23 reserve." He answered.
"Good to know." I said banging my head on the doorframe. "I suppose my day should start bright and early tomorrow."
"It is already late, Doctor. You should rest before beginning your task. The Captain wanted the profiles completed before we reach the next starbase in 49 hours." He seemed dead serious and I almost laughed.
"Yeah, well you know what they say. He can want in one hand…" I started. Spock waited patiently for me to finish. "Ok, you obviously don't know what they say." I grumbled. "Goodnight, Spock."
He nodded. "Rest well, Doctor."
Yeah, like that was going to be possible.