Chapter 15- In Memoriam
McCoy and I stood close together facing Chekov just inside the doorway when it slid shut with an ominous hiss. The computer screen on his wall displayed a woman who was visibly upset and speaking in what sounded like Russian. It must have been a prerecorded message because she did not appear to recognize McCoy and I.
"Easy, son." McCoy said quietly, stretching out his hand to the younger man. "Have a seat on the bed and tell me what's going on."
"I do not vant medicines, Sir." He said taking a step back from him shaking his head.
"Ok." McCoy softly drawled. "At least let me check you out."
"Aye, Sir." Chekov agreed, standing at full attention. I stood back and observed while McCoy slowly removed a tricorder from his travel bag and scanned the young man. Pavel stood straight as a board and I could tell it unnerved McCoy a little.
"Cortisol and adrenaline levels are a little high, but you seem ok, Checkov." He reported. "Are you sure you don't want anything to make you more comfortable?"
Chekov watched McCoy's every move nervously as though he expected him to quick draw the hypo and shoot him with something anyway. "No, Sir." He replied licking his lips. He was clearly hiding something, but he was not about to admit it to his superior officer.
McCoy sighed and regarded him with a squint for a moment before turning to me and in the nonverbal communication we seemed to have worked out, shot me a look that asked if I would be ok without him. I subtly indicated I would with a slow blink. He raised his eyebrows as he left that gave me the impression that he would be waiting just outside anyway. The way we naturally evolved this ability was a little strange, but it worked wonderfully when you needed to say something without actually opening your mouth.
I waited to see what Pavel would do after the door closed, but he continued to stand at attention apparently waiting for me to make the first move. I smiled inside when I realized that he regarded me with the same sense of protocol as he did McCoy although technically he outranked me even as an Ensign. "At ease, Pavel." I said with a smile. "Who is she?" I asked gesturing to the screen that had started the video over again.
He glanced at it and his eyes began to fill with sadness and fatigue. "My mother." He answered, watching her begin to cry on the screen and wave her hands in random gestures. He looked away, unable to watch anymore. His eyes began to swell with tears and he hung his head so I wouldn't see.
"What happened, Pavel?" I asked softly.
He quickly wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and fell backwards on his bed. I gave him a few moments to compose himself while I surveyed the damage to his room. "It vas Sasha." He finally choked out.
"Sasha is your brother, right?" I clarified thinking back to the walk to the dorms in San Francisco when he eagerly told me about his family.
He nodded his head and threw his arm over his eyes so I wouldn't see him cry again. I sat on the bed next to him and placed my hand on his shoulder. "What happened to him, Pavel?" I prodded gently as if I hadn't put it all together yet.
His voice cracked as he sobbed, "He vas killed in a hunting accident. My baby brother…" He reflexively curled into a fetal position and shook as he wailed into the blankets that he held in his clenched fists. The raw anguish with which he cried out made me go cold. He was completely consumed with grief and all I could do was sit beside him and gently rub his shoulder. What else could I do? There were no words I could say that could ease his pain, all of the clichés in the world wouldn't make him feel any better.
I sat with him until he was spent, sniffling and exhausted. "I am so sorry for your loss, Pavel." I said to him. I knew it was trite, but I meant every word. "It breaks my heart to see you suffer."
"Thank you, Dr. Collins." He whispered, wiping his bloodshot eyes.
"Is there any way we can establish a feed so you can talk with your family?" I asked. I knew he must have felt so far away from them and they could probably comfort him better than I could.
"No," he lamented, "Ve are too far avay. That is vhy I vas sent the wideo message." He vaguely gestured to the screen that showed his mother in a seemingly endless loop. "I can't talk to them, but I can't say goodbye to Sasha." His chest heaved, but he was all out of tears.
"Maybe not in person, but you could make your own video and send it to your family." I suggested. "I know how important it is to pay your last respects." I thought back to the day in Chicago where he and McCoy watched me say goodbye at the hospital. "We can have a funeral for him tomorrow so you can say goodbye. Do you have any pictures of him?" I asked.
He slowly peeled himself away from the wet bedclothes and retrieved a stack of photographs from his desk drawer. He sifted through them and handed one or two that he had found to me solemnly, but it wasn't long before looking at the pictures brought small stories and then smiles with detailed explanations of circumstances surrounding the images.
It was remarkable how much his brother looked like him. We probably sat there for hours while he told me about how it was he that taught Sasha how to hunt and how he often helped him with his homework. Since his father had left the family, he was sort of the father to Sasha. As such, he wanted to be just like his surrogate father telling people in the village that one day he would join Starfleet and work on the same ship as his brave brother and together they would explore the stars. In his infrequent transmissions home, Pavel would encourage him to stick with his studies and take care of his sisters, each time amazed at how fast he was growing and maturing.
By the early morning hours, I had a stack of photos and a man who was in better condition than I found him in. Still, I knew better than to take his mood for granted. "Pavel," I said getting up, "I know this probably doesn't need to be said, but I want you to promise me that if at any time the thought of hurting yourself crosses your mind, you will page me immediately."
He seemed surprised and replied, "I vould not do that, Dr. Collins. I am sad my brother is gone, but I do not see how hurting myself vill help."
"I know, Pavel." I said kneeling in front of him. "But sometimes strange thoughts can make sense when you are upset. Please promise me that you will call."
His blue eyes looked at me with conviction. "I vill, Doctor. I promise."
"Ok, then." I sighed standing up and stretching. "I will inform the Captain that you will not be on duty today. Get some rest and I will see you this afternoon." I could see the panic rising in his eyes. "Relax, Pavel. I am not banning you from the bridge, it is just one day for you to sleep in since it is already almost time for your shift. I will see you later today and we can discuss you going back to work tomorrow."
"Ok, Dr. Collins." He conceded. "Thank you."
I smiled at him and exited the room to see McCoy slumped against the wall, head tilted awkwardly and fast asleep. I squatted by him and gently shook his shoulder. He woke with a slow blink and groggily stated, "I see you finally made it." I helped him to his feet and he rubbed his neck as he groaned. "I am getting too old for this shit."
"And you wanted to sleep on the floor." I mused, picking up his medical bag for him.
"Yeah, well I am up for the day now. You can have the bed, the floor, or sleep in the bathtub for all I care." He groused, shooting a wicked glare at a person in a red uniform when they stared at my pajamas a little too long. I had long since stopped caring. I knew that I had lost all respect by now.
"Me too." I sighed. "I have a funeral to plan."
McCoy took the stack of pictures from my hand and looked them over. "Poor kid." He said quietly. "Why don't you catch a few winks and let me handle this?" He asked. I wanted to laugh, but I didn't want to offend him. "I think I know just the thing…"
"Am I going to regret this?" I asked entering the lift.
He feigned being hurt and drawled, "I wouldn't fuck something like this up. The kid has been a pain in my ass, but I do have an appropriate sense of decorum, thank you very much."
He walked me to his room and gathered a few files before turning to playfully wag his finger at me. "I will tell Jim about what happened. Get some sleep and I mean it. Don't make me bring a hypo down here." I was surprised he didn't have one stashed in a drawer somewhere. After he left, I laid down on the floor in the bed he had intended for himself and rapidly lost consciousness.
I woke up to McCoy shaking me. "Time to rise, sunshine." He taunted. "I can't believe you slept on the fucking floor." He was so cranky when he was tired. "Get up and let's get a move on. Pavel's engagement is starting in 20 minutes."
I shot out of bed and made a uniform with his replicator. "Wait," I said looking down at the pile of neatly folded clothing in the slot, "is this a formal kind of thing?"
"I'd say so." He answered holding up his dress uniform for me to see as he went to the bathroom to change. I waited for him to close the door before I reluctantly crawled out of my comfy pajamas and into my uniform. I left the blue mesh tunic on the bed, opting to wear just the black undershirt and pants. He quickly emerged, looking almost debonair. "Don't forget your shirt." He reminded as he sat on the bed to put his boots on.
"I am not wearing it." I replied. He looked up at me under his eyebrows. "I know it is probably old fashioned, but it was tradition to wear all black to a funeral to show grief and mourning." I explained.
"Sometimes traditions are nice." He shrugged. "You will see one of ours. Not one I am fond of, but you are about to see a Starfleet funeral. Well, as close as we could get."
I followed him to 10 forward and was shocked to see the entire room full of people. "Do all of these people know Pavel?" I asked amazed at the sheer number of individuals.
"In some way or another." He answered. "It looks like he is a popular guy."
I stood next to Uhura while McCoy joined Jim, Scotty, and Spock against the far wall facing the entrance. Each of the ship's commanders were wearing their finest just as they had done at dinner. Just to the left of the entrance were two boards. One held a collage of the pictures Pavel had given me and the other was a massive sheet of paper on which the attendees were encouraged to write messages of support for Pavel. The paper was nearly covered with writing and drawings from well wishers.
The doors opened again and this time it was Sulu with Chekov. As if on cue, the commanders stood at attention and sharply saluted him while Sulu took his place next to me and saluted along with everyone else in the crowd. It was the single most touching moment I had experienced on the ship. Pavel's eyes wavered as he looked over his legion of supporters and to the row of his superior officers, each with heads up and solemn faces while they honored their comrade with a prolonged salute.
He looked over at the boards and his eyes softened. One by one, people from the crowd made their way to him to offer condolences while Jim, Scotty, Spock, and McCoy stood at attention with their hands behind their backs just like Spock so often did. Sulu grabbed him by the shoulders and Uhura hugged him when they took their turns. I was the last one and McCoy used a look that said, 'get the hell over there', so I approached him and offered to shake his hand, but he drew me into a tight embrace. "Thank you, Dr. Collins. This vas more than I could have hoped for." He sighed in my ear.
Just as I was about to open my mouth to tell him that it was McCoy that put it all together, his voice came from behind. "Yes, she did a nice job." I pulled away from Chekov to see McCoy and Jim both smirking at me. He turned to once again salute Chekov and said, "My condolences, Ensign."
Jim also saluted, but it was much more sloppy and he instead opted for a handshake. "I am sorry, Chekov. I know how much he meant to you." His blue eyes were full of sincerity for his crewmember.
"I regret the news of your loss." Spock said with a perfectly executed salute and stoic expression. I smiled and so did Pavel. Despite his appearance, when the occasion called for it he was able to let his true intentions shine through and there was no doubt he meant what he said.
"Ah, come here ya bugger." Scotty exclaimed wrapping him in a bear hug. "When ya feel up to it, drop in and we'll have a drink to the dearly departed."
"I vill." He smiled. "I think I vill just stay here for a minute." He looked over to the boards with a sad smile.
"Take all the time you need." Jim said clapping him on the shoulder. "Chow has been moved to the lower decks for the night."
We all filed out quietly as he got up to read some of the messages that were left for him by the people who cared for him most. McCoy managed to do what I couldn't hope to accomplish on my own; give him comfort despite his assertion that he was never good at such things.