Chapter 24- You are Not Alone
He did come back. Several times. Each time, he frowned down at the hypo on my desk in the exact same location he had left it. My whole body hurt from being pulled by the incredible force the vortex created, but I could tolerate it- so long as I didn't move. Maybe that was what disturbed him most, the gun hadn't moved but I didn't either. On this particular visit, he brought a PADD with him in message mode since the previous times he came he tried speaking, but I couldn't force myself to concentrate enough to read his lips. I could have, I just didn't want to.
He dangled the PADD in front of my face so I could read it. "NOT TAKING MEDS?" I smiled faintly when I noticed he made a frowning emoticon at the end. Only he could scowl in person as well as electronically, his sour mood seemed to translate across all media formats.
I took the device from him and tried not to wince when my muscles screamed at the effort. "HATE DRUGS. YOU KNOW THAT."
He read it and nodded sadly. He quickly typed his response. "WON'T MAKE YOU. HEARING WILL BE OK IN A FEW DAYS- PROMISE."
I was relieved. Being closed off from the outside world was almost more than I could bear. It left me with no other option than to listen to my own internal voice, which as of late had not been too kind. "NOT SLEEPING! WHY?!" I demanded. He read it and looked at me in confusion. I made a circular gesture around my face and pointed at him. He looked exhausted; the fine lines in his face were carved deep and he wore shadows under his eyes. I bit back an embarrassed smile when I realized that with the combination of gestures I used, I had just told him he was handsome in sign. But that was pure coincidence and I reminded myself that he didn't know sign language anyway, so he thankfully remained oblivious to the double entendre.
"BUSY." Was all he said with an unapologetic shrug. I narrowed my eyes at him in irritation. He was prone to giving short, vague answers when he thought I wouldn't like what he had to say.
"…DOING WHAT?" I prodded.
He typed in his reply. "YOU SHOULD REST NOW. BE BACK LATER." His eyes looked sad when he turned to go and for the first time since his almost hourly invasions began, I really didn't want him to.
I didn't know which was worse, lying in bed stiff as a board or moving around. Both seemed to make my muscles ache with equal intensity. I decided to take a very long, very hot shower. My skin stung with the heat, but I found that with one lost sensory modality I sought out stimulus by other means just to make sure I still existed.
While normally I would have rather enjoyed the pleasurable feeling of being very warm and clean, all I could think about was what happened and what I could have done differently to save his life. No matter how I rationalized it as the unfortunate consequence of unchecked hallucinations, or perhaps his own lucid will not to have to live with his symptoms, no matter the explanation- it always came back to me. He was my responsibility and I failed to protect him. There was no other way around it. My negligence caused his death and that was something I had to live with.
Beyond having the blood of another person on my hands which could never be washed away, what made my heart sink with the weight of sadness was the thought that I was no longer suited for my job. I wouldn't blame Jim or even McCoy if he recommended firing me, there was no excuse for a mistake like that. I had come to love my job and the people I worked with, but it was clear I could no longer be trusted to carry out my duties. My job was my very identity and I tried to do it with the highest sense of professionalism I could manage. In the end, it wasn't enough and I was once again facing an uncertain future.
I drug myself out of the shower feeling more miserable than I went in. The heat did make my muscles feel better, but I knew the relief would be temporary. I slowly and painfully got dressed. McCoy had repaired my shoulder for the most part, only the occasional sharp pain remained when I overdid it and I was glad I wasn't further hampered by having it in a sling. Being deaf, feeling completely inadequate as a professional, and having a useless appendage strapped to my body would have simply been too much. When I got out of the mirror I nearly screamed when I looked in the mirror. I remembered feeling the blood vessels burst in my eyes and now the whites were a god awful opaque red where the excess blood had pooled. I looked like some demon out of a B movie. McCoy could have warned me about that…
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw movement. I turned my head to see Pavel cautiously ducking his head in my room from the open door. Of course I couldn't hear the chime to let me know he was there. When he was certain I was descent, he gave a small wave and his soft smile. I smiled back, glad to see him even in my less than presentable condition. I knew that although he was young, he would pretend not to notice to make me feel comfortable because that was how he was. I immediately felt relaxed around his gentle, unassuming presence. He smiled shyly and handed me yet another PADD that from the looks of it had been programmed with messages from members of the crew.
Before I could respond, he pointed to his wrist and made a gesture to mimic eating. It must be dinner time. I pointed at my eyes and shook my head no. He seemed to understand, and gestured for me to sit on the bed. Intrigued, I did as he requested and watched in amusement as he moved my desk in front of me like a table and then made dinner with the replicator. I smiled when he placed a tray of tomato soup and grilled cheese in front of me. I wanted to laugh, but I couldn't tell how loud I was. I couldn't believe he remembered exactly what I had the first time I met him! But then again, McCoy did tear Jim a new asshole in front of everyone against Pavel's warnings to leave him alone, that kind of thing was difficult to forget because it was so funny. I could still remember the look on Sulu's face as he tried so hard not to laugh at the table. Pavel chose a chicken dish for himself and sat opposite me. Together we ate our dinner in a comfortable silence that would have existed even if I could hear.
That was the beautiful thing about him, and I remembered previous encounters with him when that was also the case. He may have endured a lot of good natured heckling from his coworkers for being so young and presumably naive, but his secret was an unusual ability to know and understand the world in detail with a quiet strength that belied his true nature. He was indeed quite the sneaky Russian, but at that moment there was no one else I would rather have dinner with. Even if he could, I knew he wouldn't be one to ask about what happened or try to make me feel better just so he could. He was content to just be and that kind of accepting stillness was hard to find in another.
Like a gentleman, he cleared the table and returned from the replicator with a deck of cards. He didn't ask if I wanted to play and judging by the number of cards he dealt, I assumed we were playing poker. I dutifully picked up my allotment and tried to remember the impromptu lesson he and Sulu gave me the night I ended up sleeping in his room because Uhura had gone off to the desert with Spock, but I didn't know that then. We played for a long time, and although it didn't seem like he was cheating, he won almost every time. Not that it mattered, we weren't playing for money.
When he decided to turn in for the night, I made a series of gestures to ask why he wasn't fencing with Sulu. He caught on pretty fast and simply shrugged and gave a dismissive wave. I bowed slightly to him to thank him and he smiled. I waved goodbye to him and smiled to myself when the door closed. I didn't know how much he had been told about what happened, but it didn't seem to change him a bit. If he knew how I had screwed up, he didn't let it show.
I tried to move my desk back, but I was too sore to exert any real force. As much as I hated it, I would have to wait for McCoy to come back and help. I really resented feeling like a proverbial damsel in distress, it was never who I was and it was a serious affront to my sense of fierce independence. However, it was the reality of the situation and I had to swallow it no matter how bitter the medicine. I laid on the bed and waited.
When he did show up, he looked dead on his feet and I felt sorry for him. I didn't know what he was up to, but it was clearly taking a toll on him. I started to get up to help him move my desk, but he motioned for me to stay where I was and manhandled it back into place all by himself. He pulled out his PADD and wearily typed, "LONG DAY. BE OK UNTIL TOMMORROW?"
I nodded yes and asked, "CAN YOU FIX MY EYES? EEEK!"
He smiled and answered, "CAN. WILL BE BLIND A FEW HOURS." He looked at me apologetically and I contemplated the thought of being deaf and blind at the same time. Well, if Helen Keller could do it for a lifetime, then I could manage a few hours.
"OK. TOMORROW. YOU SLEEP NOW!" I demanded with a small smile.
He smirked. "STILL BOSSY I SEE."
He kept his PADD and leaned against my desk, folding his arms across his chest. His smile faded and his mood became somber. He gave me a look that wanted to know if I was ok. He wasn't wondering about my health and I found it touching in a way that he chose to communicate in our own personal system that eerily approached telepathy at times. His eyes were heavy with sadness and it was only then that I realized that he, certainly more so out of any other person on this ship, understood what I was going through. He knew what it was to hold a life in his hands and watch them slip away despite everything he could do. He knew what the anguish and tortuous self blame felt like when you questioned your own competency. If you couldn't do your job, what was your ultimate purpose for existence since the two were so intimately entwined?
It had only happened a few times in my life, but once in awhile the planets align and when you look into a person's eyes you were able to see them in a whole new light. When that kind of thing happened, all you could do was stand in awe and pray the beautiful moment never passed. And so it was with McCoy. In one amazing instant, an entirely different man leaned against my desk from the one I knew and I couldn't pull myself away from his eyes- the now open windows to his soul.
The difference was subtle; he was still the same cranky doctor who deep down was fiercely loyal to those he cared about, but it was a more complete understanding of him in his entirety that was breathtaking. The amount of pain he had suffered at the hands of those he let get too close and betrayed his trust was evident, but the depth of his caring for his friends and the lengths to which he would go to keep them safe was endearing.
Surely he could see it on my face that I was now privy to at least some of his secrets, but he held my gaze steadily without flinching. I didn't know if he knew what I saw. Maybe he wanted it to happen, I didn't know. But what left me warm even after he departed was the certain knowledge that I was now in his inner circle of those to be protected. No matter what happened, I knew he would always have my back and I smiled at getting a small taste of what Jim described during his academy days. "He is a tough bastard, but when the chips are down there isn't another fucking person I would want in my corner." He once told me. Now I was better able to understand the seemingly unbreakable bond between the two and Jim's uncanny ability to push him to limits that the average person would be annihilated for.
I got up to change into my pajamas when I saw it. At some point, McCoy used sleight of hand to place a photograph on my desk. I smiled when I picked it up and looked at it. It was the one that Pavel had taken of us at Union Station in Chicago when we arrived. Pavel and I were huddled together and grinning like idiots while McCoy, pale and groggy, scowled sideways at Pavel. I remembered how awful that trip was for him; he was so hungover and sick from partying the night before, yet he was beholden by Jim to payback a lost bet. I turned it over to see a simple message printed in McCoy's sloppy handwriting: You are not alone.
Not anymore.