Chapter 28- About Last Night…

I sat on the floor next to McCoy in the dark for the remainder of the night. I listened to his rhythmic long and slow breaths that were laden with booze. I was almost intoxicated by proxy, the sloppy drunken kiss aside. It wouldn't have mattered if he had come or not, I would have been awake. I didn't tell him, but I hadn't been sleeping very well since the away mission. I didn't tell him because it all sounded insane, but there was something about the scroll that Jim found that had triggered nightmares about Saren. They were so vivid, sometimes I would wake up gasping and sweating, my heart threatening to jump out of my chest and run away. I didn't tell him because it sounded whiny. People go without sleep all the time, no one ever died from it.

I folded his clothes neatly and placed them in the chair next to his boots and left a message on my PADD, squinting when the bright backlight hit my eyes in the darkness. "SLEEP IN- YOU HAVE THE DAY OFF. I MEAN IT!!!" I quietly changed in the bathroom and went down to the sickbay for my shift.

As soon as I arrived, I was peppered with questions and half anxious stares. Everyone wanted to know what was wrong with McCoy. You would think judging by their reactions and hushed tones that he had died or something. I told them he wasn't feeling well. Even demigods get sick every now and then, was it that hard to believe? Apparently, for them it was just too good to be true. The sickbay had a markedly different tone that day- when the cat was away…

Unlike McCoy who was more or less tied to sickbay during his shift, I was pretty well free to roam the ship. My choice to be on deck 5 was a matter of convenience, because in reality psychological crises were bound to happen anywhere and treatment was effective in most locations throughout the ship. I didn't need an array of scanners and vials of liquids, all I needed was my voice and intellect and thank goodness those items were very portable.

I swung by my quarters on the way up to the bridge shortly before lunch to check on McCoy. He was still wrapped up in the sheets and sleeping soundly, although at some point he had awakened and read the PADD which now rested on the desk. I was glad to see he took my advice and had the good sense not to show up for his job hungover. Jim was a pretty forgiving guy, but even he had limits. However, I was more than just a little perplexed at how he apparently had no qualms about sleeping in my bed, disinhibited by the booze or not. That was something I just couldn't do, even if I was drunk and in some way I admired him for it. Now I just hoped that if he got up to use the bathroom, he was sober enough to hit the hole and not piss all over the floor.

When I got to the bridge, I was stopped in my tracks by an incredibly cold stare emanating from Spock's dark eyes. I didn't want to think that Spock was capable of blind murderous rage, but I had seen homicidal schizophrenics look more lucid than he did in that moment. In his hands he held the Rubik's cube and he twisted it in such a methodical and purposeful manner it was chilling. It was almost as if the cube were some kind of timepiece that tracked the final moments of my life. Once it was solved, time would be up and he would come for me. I just had to make sure it was never fully solved…

Jim sprang from his chair with a wicked grin when he spotted me and it unnerved me because with him you never could tell if that was a good or a bad thing. I actually found it a little creepy because at times he reminded me of a used car salesman. He casually put his arm around my shoulders and steered me toward the conference room, asking Spock to take control. Spock took his seat in the Captain's chair, but continued to work his puzzle and glare at it with his lips drawn in a tight line across his face as though he found it's very existence vexing.

Jim fell into a chair with a satisfied sigh and an even wider grin. "So, Doctor," he all but giggled, "why don't I have a CMO today? Did Bonsey have an ache only you could fix?" His blue eyes danced with excitement.

I was dismayed by his lewd connotations. "And what makes you think I would know?" I asked coyly.

He scoffed incredulously. "Because I am the Captain of this ship! I know where everyone is at all times, and I know that Bones went to your quarters at 22:54 last night and he is still there. So what did you do to him?" He paused to raise his eyebrows. "If I go down there, am I going to find him bound and gagged with a pink bow around his neck?"

"No," I said irritated, "what you will find is a drunk man sleeping it off. Yesterday was a bad day for him and he hit the bottle a little too hard before dropping in. He passed out in my room, so I let him sleep there rather than parade him through the halls for others to see."

Jim sat back in his chair, smile quickly fading. When he spoke, his voice was quiet and somber. "So it's over, then?" I reluctantly nodded and Jim whispered, "Shit. I feel like an ass for asking, but did you take him off duty for mental reasons?"

"No. I just told his staff he was sick, which isn't exactly a lie." I answered. "I just thought it would be better that way."

Jim looked to me with quiet gratitude. "I think so too." He had nothing to thank me for. McCoy would have done the same for either of us if it meant allowing us to save face in a moment of disgrace. His face lightened somewhat when he asked, "Did he try to kiss you?"

"It was an accident." I slowly clarified.

Jim shrugged noncommittally. "He does that sometimes, but he is harmless. At least he isn't a mean drunk. He's a lover, not a fighter."

"And how do you know this?" I asked playfully. He only looked at me with a wide, mysterious grin that made me laugh.

"Anyway," Jim said clearing his throat, "we should arrive at the planet in a bit. You are welcome to hang out up here and watch the show on the big screen. I can imagine you must be excited to see the real deal."

"Absolutely!" I agreed. "But I have to make sure McCoy will be all right first."

"Yeah, of course." Jim said quietly. "Collins, thanks for…you know…watching him like that. You are a better wife than his real one was."

I smiled and responded, "After all he has done for me, I kind of owe him."

Jim nodded in appreciation, but said, "Trust me, he doesn't keep score. Only the bad shit- he has a memory like an elephant for that stuff."

When I got back to my quarters after lunch, McCoy was gone. The bed was neatly made so tight you could bounce a quarter off it and it was so pristine, I almost didn't want to sit on it and mess it up. I certainly never put that much effort into making a bed. My philosophy was you were going to crawl right back in it x number of hours later and mess it all up again, so why bother?

He didn't show up in sickbay the rest of the afternoon or for dinner and I was beginning to worry. I went to his quarters after dinner to do what in my mind amounted to a welfare check, but he didn't answer his door. I stood outside imagining all the horrible things that could have happened and cursed myself because I didn't know how to force open a door. I made a mental note to ask Chekov how to do it since he seemed to know how and he wouldn't think too much of it.

I was just about to leave when the door opened to reveal McCoy, pale and scowling. His hair was wet and the scent of masculine cleaning products was strong. I was relieved to know that he didn't answer the door because he was in the shower, not because he had died choking or of a heart attack from dehydration or any other number of awful scenarios that I imagined. "I just wanted to see how you were." I smiled.

He looked down at the floor and grumbled. "You see it."

I sensed that he wanted to be left alone, so I gently smiled and said, "Ok then. Maybe I will see you later."

He hesitated for a moment before gruffly asking, "Wait. Do you have a minute?" He looked so miserable, I couldn't say no. He invited me in and slowly began, "Look, about last night…"

I cut him off with a decisive, "Last night was fine. Your staff thinks you were sick and no one is none the wiser. Your secret is safe with me."

His scowl relaxed a little and he sighed, "I usually don't let myself get like that. It was just that I was so pissed off and frustrated that I just didn't want to feel anything anymore. I just wanted to be numb, but I guess there wasn't enough alcohol to drown it all. I don't remember a lot of last night, so I apologize if I did or said anything that made me an ass. I shouldn't have bothered you."

I smiled warmly at him, remembering the impromptu kiss that was triggered by my falling on him, but he was embarrassed enough already, there was no need to make it worse. Maybe I would save that one for much later when he could have a laugh about it, when things didn't seem so dark to him. "You were right to come last night and you didn't bother me." I thought it best just to sidestep the 'making me look like an ass' bit since I couldn't think of a suave half truth on the fly. "Besides, you have seen me at my worst as well."

He smirked and waved me off. "That's different."

"Is it?" I asked rhetorically. "Don't think for a minute I didn't want to die of embarrassment when I couldn't control my own panic response both when I saw the Romulan and when you fixed my eyes."

He frowned and shrugged casually. "That was a reasonable response to extreme stress, Collins. Christ, I don't think any less of you. Hell, I might have felt the same."

"And so it is with me." I replied softly. "I understand why you did what you did and it makes perfect sense to want to run from more pain than one person can stand. For me, what happened last night is no different than my panic attack was for you. These things happen, but I am glad that you showed up at my door last night."

"I still think we are talking apples and oranges, but whatever." He chuckled.

"Jim invited me up to the bridge to see the planet we are supposed to watch. Would you like to join me?" I asked hopefully. He really shouldn't be left to mope and brood in his room.

"You go on ahead." He answered shaking his head. "I probably have a stack of paperwork down in sickbay. Besides, I shouldn't let them get too used to not feeling my presence." If stalking sickbay would make him feel better, I was all for it. The interns on the other hand…