Chapter 33- Making the Rounds
I had to admit defeat. There was no other way around it. There really were no words for tiredness beyond exhaustion, but that was where I found myself- in a nameless, thick haze that dulled every aspect of my being. But I couldn't sleep and didn't want to anyway. The horrible images that stuck to my mind's eye like photographic wallpaper was just too much to look at. Vicarious traumatization was really nothing new, a lot of people who worked in emergency situations often found themselves harmed by the violence and desperation of their patients. Like a sticky residue, the suffering of others tended to have a cumulative effect until critical mass was reached and the matter had to be dealt with.
What was new for me was the fact that up until now I had only heard stories of horrendous maltreatment secondhand, but this time I had actually witnessed it live in action. I rubbed the bridge of my nose, trying to force the absent look of Jim's wide, blue eyes out of my mind. The images that were once relegated to the darkness of sleep were beginning to intrude on my waking hours as well with increasing frequency. I recognized it as symptoms of post traumatic stress, but I had others to attend to first. Besides, the only other person I could turn to was McCoy and he was really in no shape to deal with my problems as well as his own since they stemmed from the same event. I would have to figure something else out later.
My first stop was Sulu for my own selfish reason of knowing that he would be easiest. His room was just a bit down the hall from Chekov's, I remembered. He was standing in the hallway the night Pavel got the horrible news of his brother's death. I remembered how he looked: his body was stiff in anticipation- wanting to jump in and help his friend, but held back both by Pavel's request for him to leave and the arrival of McCoy and I. Although controlled, his face reflected a sense of helplessness at not being able to do anything but watch. That wasn't his style. He was a quiet man, but he was not one to hesitate to spring into decisive action. I hailed his door and entered when he beckoned.
Sulu's quarters were amazing. Although identical to mine in design, his was the first that I had seen to be fully decorated with personal items. Most were artifacts of various Asian origins including swords, Tibetan prayer flags, pots with incense, a rice paper paining of cherry blossoms done in a Japanese style, and a few ultra modern looking works of art in white and glossy black. The room felt warm and inviting, just as he was and it all made sense. He stood and waited for me to choose a seat, a custom I knew I was afforded as his guest but it was a common trick of therapists as well. I took at seat at his desk and he sat on his bed. "How are you getting along, Sulu?" I asked with a smile.
He picked up a PADD and casually tossed it aside. "I am bored already. I have played as much Tetris as I can stand and have caught up on all the reading Scotty had given me on warp core theory. I am glad you came. You take for granted that there will be people around, but I am finding that during the day shift anyone I would want to talk with is at their stations."
"Well, I am always around." I laughed. "I do not really have a shift. I hang out in the sickbay during the day, but I am pretty much on call all the time. So if you ever get bored again, feel free to call." He smiled at the invitation. "How did you sleep last night?" I felt a little hypocritical in asking since it was something I was avoiding myself and I hoped he didn't pick up on it, although he would have to be blind not to notice the dark circles under my eyes.
"Pretty well, actually." He smiled. "It was nice to be in my own bed and I was pretty tired anyway, so I fell right out."
"No problems with bad dreams or feeling disoriented when you woke up?" I checked.
He looked to the ceiling while he quickly thought about it. "No, not that I remember." He answered. "I slept so deeply I don't remember dreaming at all."
"I know this may feel a bit uncomfortable to talk about, but I just want to make sure you are ok." I told him reassuringly.
"It's fine. I appreciate your concern and I know it is your job, but still it is nice." He commented. "I knew you would be around sooner or later and I understand why. But really, I am ok. We are trained at Starfleet for the possibility of being taken hostage and we are also taught techniques to use so we can keep our heads if we are interrogated. I just used some of those along with my personal meditative practice to get through."
I was glad he had strong coping skills in place. "Did they want any kind of information from you?" I asked.
"No, and that was the strange thing." He replied narrowing his eyes. "It was clear they didn't have advanced technology, but they never asked about the ship or any of the things Dr. McCoy had in his bag. It was probably one of the weirdest situations I had ever been in, but it seemed our only value was…" he paused sheepishly, "pardon my saying so, but having a penis."
I laughed and said, "You can express yourself however you like, but if 'penis' is the worst you can do, this could be a conversation fit for the dinner table. Remember who I work with."
"Ah, right." He chuckled. "Well, that was what it seemed like. It was like they only cared about having us around for…services I guess, which I'm sure would have suited the Captain just fine. It is amazing that when you work with him certain things just become normal. Avalanches, natural disasters, being attacked by animals and people alike, it all just seems like a typical away mission. I think this is the first time I have ever been kept as livestock, though." He bit his lower lip as he pondered it.
"You know that we were watching on the bridge." I said quietly. "We saw them burn you." I was taking a bit of a chance by diving into the most sensitive area of the experience, but up to this point he seemed to be completely open and not at all reticent to face his circumstances.
His eyes grew just a bit distant and I started to wonder if I had misread him. "That was a little tough to deal with. I can handle being kicked and punched- that kind of pain is fairly easy to manage because it is over quickly. I had never been burned like that before and it was an intense and lingering sensation that didn't quit until I got back to sickbay. It was like a constant reminder of what you had become."
"How did you deal with it?" I inquired in a soft tone.
"In my family's spiritual system, we believe that the body is only a shell for the soul. Our bodies are temporary shelters for our spiritual energy until it is released when the body dies and we go on to inhabit a different shelter in the next life. So what happens to the body is inconsequential, it doesn't affect the soul unless you let them become too intertwined. So when my time came, I just pulled myself inside and let it happen because although my body was being damaged, they couldn't touch my spirit; it was safe where they couldn't touch it. As a nice added bonus, when all of my focus was on the inside, I didn't feel the outside so much." He smiled broadly at me.
"Like a turtle pulling into it's shell." I observed.
"Yeah, more or less." He agreed. "And when it was over, I came back out. I didn't have much of a choice. Those guards had all of the advantages. There were too many for me to fight by myself. Even if I tried, it would probably have only made the Queen angry and she might have made things worse on the Captain and Dr. McCoy in retaliation. You always have to think of everyone else as well as yourself, so my only alternative was to just go along with it. At any rate, that along with cutting our hair so short was nothing more than her attempt to humiliate us. She didn't want to kill us, that was never part of the plan. If that was her goal, we would have been dead in the first 5 minutes when the guards surrounded us to take us prisoner. Knowing that we had some time and that you guys were up there helped."
"If you don't mind my saying, Sulu, you look nice with short hair. It is a shame it had to come about the way it did, but it is an interesting change." I shrugged.
He laughed and ran his hand over the dark stubble that remained on his scalp. "It isn't as bad as I thought it would look, and I have actually received a lot of compliments!" It was good to see he had a sense of humor about his plight. It was then I knew he would be fine.
"I am glad to hear that you are doing well, Sulu. Remember, if you ever want to talk about anything or nothing in particular you can always page me." I stated rising from his desk chair.
"I will, Dr. Collins. Thanks for stopping by to check on me." He replied walking me to the door.
As I rounded the corner to the lifts, I yawned and debated my next move. McCoy made it clear he was not yet ready for his checkup, so that left Jim. He had been adamant upon our return, but he had some time to go stir crazy since then and he might just be willing to break. As I stood at the lift, I realized that I had never been to Jim's quarters and had no idea where they even were. I approached the computer interface and got up the courage to ask. I just knew the computer hated me, I was always asking it for directions. There were no snide remarks, no synthesized laughing, just the patient information that Jim's room was on deck 2.
The hall looked just like every other on the ship, but there was a strange vibe- an almost awesome sense of power that exuded from the walls. I would have thought that all of the ship's commanders would be on the same floor, like mount Olympus, but maybe the entire floor belonged to Jim. McCoy and Spock were one floor down. I didn't know where Scotty stayed, but it wouldn't surprise me if he slept in the engine rooms to be nearer the ship he loved almost as much as a real woman. I wondered how Uhura felt about the dual relationship.
I approached the door the computer told me would be his. Knowing Jim, he was off getting into something, but I thought I would try anyway. The door slid open with ease and I was faced with a shirtless Jim wearing a smirk. I looked down to respect his privacy, but then remembered it was he that opened the door knowing there was someone on the other side. It wasn't like I hadn't seen him shirtless in sickbay hours before and he was in his own quarters off duty. He didn't have to wear a shirt of he didn't want to; I was just glad he was at least wearing pants. "Doc!" He exclaimed. "Come in and join the party. Seems like I am a popular guy."
I ducked my head in to see McCoy, fully dressed, leaning stiffly against a table. He didn't sleep long and he did looked a little peaked. Jim's quarters were much larger and better furnished, as it should be, but for some reason it didn't seem like he fit in the cavernous room. "Looks like I'm not the only one making rounds today." McCoy said dryly. An array of medical items were spread on the table behind him.
"I am allowed to be working." I retorted turning my gaze to him. "You, however, are on leave."
He mock scowled and waved me off dismissively. "Whatever."
"You might think you can blow off your staff's orders," I said with a sly smile, "but don't make me take you off duty because I will and it will stick."
Jim's eyebrows shot up and he turned to his friend in surprise. "She just threw down on you, Bones!"
McCoy ignored him and threatened, "Not if I take you off first." Jim turned to me with the same wide anticipatory smile.
"You can't." I laughed. "You are already suspended, so you have no power with which to remove me." Jim cocked his head in McCoy's direction like he was watching a tennis match.
"You think so?" McCoy laughed. "What do you think will happen if I go down to sickbay? Who do you think will have the balls to call Security? Nobody. That is real power." I would have hated him if I thought he would actually do it, but he was illustrating a point to save face in front of his friend. Damn testosterone.
"That is not power, that is intimidation." I corrected before quickly addressing Jim before he could respond. "I came up to see you, but I can come back later. Will tomorrow at 1300 be good?" With people like Jim who were slippy, you had to set a firm date and time so they couldn't wiggle out of it.
His smile faded and he became sullen. "I guess so." He mumbled. I wasn't too worried. Once he agreed to meet me he would, even if he didn't really want to. It also gave him plenty of time to get used to the idea of talking to me if he knew it was unavoidable, so hopefully he would be more amenable by then.
"Can I talk to you for a minute?" McCoy asked gently herding me out the door. I was a little anxious because I didn't know what I had done wrong. He yelled to Jim over his shoulder that he would be back and we continued to the lifts where strangely he ordered it to go to my floor. Was he going to ground me? "First I would just like to disagree by saying that intimidation is a form of power if you define power as having influence over another. Second, I am disappointed in you." My breath caught in my throat when I saw the intensity in his eyes.
"What did I do?" I asked, fighting to regain a sense of professional dignity.
"It's what you didn't do." He grumbled escorting me to my quarters and waiting for the door to close before explaining. "I thought you and I had an understanding." He was standing like Spock and it was frightening.
"McCoy, I am sorry if I upset you. I was just joking with you back there…" I stated.
He shook his head in exasperation. "Not that. You told me you couldn't sleep last night, but you look like absolute shit." He gestured for me to sit on the bed and he took a seat next to me. "Tell me how long this has been going on." He demanded somewhat calmer.
I laughed in desperation. "I don't know. Maybe 3 or 4 days."
His eyes went wide for just a split second before he could recompose himself to ask, "Why didn't you tell me? We had an agreement." He seemed more upset about the latter than the former and I looked to him confused. "Our deal: you are honest with me and I come clean with you? That deal?" He prompted.
"Yes!" I agreed emphatically. "But lack of sleep is just something you live with." As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt a pang of guilt because I knew I wasn't being truthful with him. "Ok, it isn't that I can't go to sleep at all, I just don't sleep much because…" I didn't want to give words to the things I saw least they come alive in the waking world.
His eyes went neutral as he patiently waited before guessing, "Because you have bad dreams?" I gave a small nod and he went on. "But you have to sleep. I can see you unraveling, you are exhausted and your body needs to rest."
It seemed almost impossible and I had no idea how he managed it, but he pulled a hypo out of thin air and shot me in the neck almost before my nerves could even register the cold sensation of the metal. He rubbed the injection site to make the stinging go away as I whined "You are so mean!"
It was at a sluggish pace, but my brain put the pieces together: he must have taken the hypo off the table which he had preloaded for Jim and hid it behind his back the whole time. That was why he was standing like Spock… The darkness began to close in and before it claimed me, I heard his voice say, "Maybe, but it is for your own good."