Chapter 15: Reopening Old Wounds
Bella's POV
Shane was home, and the whole downstairs smelled like fucking sex.
He walked in and stopped dead in his tracks. "What's going on in here?"
"Nothing, baby. Emmett just got here from the airport, and Rose and Edward are upstairs…reconnecting."
He nodded and went to the kitchen to set down the bags. I knew he could tell something was up, I just wondered when he'd say something. He came back in with an empty expression on his face.
"I guess you two were reconnecting as well." Shane ran a hand through his cute, messy hair.
"No, baby." I looked at Emmett and back to Shane. "I'm sorry, Shane. I'm so sorry. I just had this sudden urge, and…and…and I didn't think about the consequences," I cried. "I love you, Shaney." I ran over and threw my arms around his waist, whispering, "Don't blame Em. I shouldn't have. I'm the one who told him to do it."
Shane ran his fingers through my sex hair. "Baby, I don't blame you or Emmett. I know sometimes it gets the best of us. As long as it doesn't happen again, then everything's fine." He sounded calm, but I knew on the inside he was seething. He wanted to tear Emmett apart for what we had just done. He wanted to tear me apart.
"I love you, Shane. So much. I'm so sorry…"
"It's okay. It's going to be alright," he cooed.
"Can I go show Emmett his room upstairs? I promise we won't do anything."
He smiled. "Of course, Bella."
I took the two smaller bags and began to walk upstairs. I saw Shane whisper something to Emmett, and he nodded. I finished walking upstairs and took his luggage to the second room on the left. Emmett was right behind me, and he set his stuff down at the edge of the bed. I did the same.
"I'm sorry, Bells…" he whispered.
I placed a hand on his cheek. "Don't be. I shouldn't have told you to do that, and I shouldn't have even kissed you. But I couldn't resist. I…I love you too much."
"Shane told me that he understood that I love you and that he can't change that, but he also said he doesn't really want me around you. Bella, I think I'm just going to hang out with Edward for the rest of the break. I'm not going to ruin anything for you and Shane." He began to leave the room.
"No!" I grabbed his arm and pulled him back a little. "You can't do this to me, Em. I love you, and I love Shane, and I can't help that. I just want to spend time with you. Please, don't let Shane get to you…"
"We both love you more than you know. I'm doing this for you, too. I can't…We can't be together when we're hundreds of miles away. I want you to be with Shane because he can provide for you, and love you, and give you anything you could possibly ask for."
"He can't give me you…" Then, I left the room with tears cascading down my face.
"Bella! Bells, come back!" I heard Emmett's protests even when I was downstairs, and I could hear him running down the steps.
"I'm going out for awhile, Shane. I'll be back later. Love you." I kissed Shane on the cheek and left the house.
I got into my new car - an Aston Martin V8 Vantage, courtesy of Shane and Edward - and squealed out of the drive. I sped down the highway to a small store out of the way. I ran inside and bought three boxes of…razors. I was lucky they even had any. I also bought a towel, some bandages, and disinfectant spray and wipes. I knew exactly what I needed. I got back into my car and laid down the towel in the passenger seat. I pushed the seat all the way back and stretched my legs out. I took a razor out of the box and ran my fingers over it, getting reacquainted with my long, lost friend. I remembered that I promised Emmett that I wouldn't cut my wrists, so I wasn't planning on it. I had other parts of my body I could do it on - my stomach and legs. I lifted up my shirt and barely ran the razor across my stomach. It vaguely reminded me of John. Then, I dug the razor into my skin and began to breathe heavily. I sliced through my flesh again and again, finding pleasure in the pain I was inflicting upon myself. When I was done, I wiped up the blood off of my mid-section and used the disinfectant wipes. It stung like hell, but it also felt good. I sprayed the healing spray on them and bandaged them up. I didn't even realize how many cuts I had until I finished. All in all, I had seven new, long gashes across my belly. I threw the towel away in a dumpster and got back in my car, feeling a lot better. I drove to a bar and stayed for awhile. I drank so much that I had to call a cab. He drove me back home, and I paid him when I got out, barely remembering to. I stumbled up the steps, and everyone was waiting for me when I finally got inside.
"H-hey, guys…" I mumbled.
"Bella, what happened to you? You've been gone since three, and now it's midnight," Edward stated. Even in my drunk state, I remembered that he was like a brother to me, now.
"I had sooo much fun! It was so fucking awesome!" I slurred, twirling around in little pirouettes.
"Bella, you're drunk…" Emmett said.
"Way to state the obvious, dipshit. Now, someone take me upstairs to my room!" I stamped my foot.
Shane took me upstairs, and I told him I felt sick. He ran me to the bathroom, held my hair back, and I threw up. I muttered a "sorry", and he laid me down in bed. I told him to leave me in my clothes, and he obliged. I was surprised I was at least a little coherent.
Then, I drifted off into a sleep. Well, it was more or less passing out after such a long day.
---------------------------
I woke up to a hangover. It was two in the afternoon, and I heard voices downstairs. Apparently, everyone else was up.
I went to my bathroom and took some aspirin. I walked down to the kitchen and saw that Emmett had made everyone lunch. There were hamburgers, fries, tater tots, and salads. It was amazing. Everyone was thanking him, and I did, too.
"Hey, Bells," they all chimed in unison, and I held my head. That was too loud.
"Sorry," Edward whispered.
"It's okay."
Emmett walked over and said quietly into my ear, "Can we go talk upstairs or out back?"
I nodded, and I led the way to the back patio. "What's up?"
He looked at my arms and smiled. "You didn't cut your arms…"
"No." But I did cut somewhere else. "I just went to some bar. Speaking of which, can you take me there so I can pick up my car?"
"Sure, Bella."
He took me to Manny's, and I went to retrieve my Aston Martin. I forgot about the supplies that I would have to hide, but I did my best to push them under the seat.
"Nice car," he commented.
I nodded. "Thanks…"
I got into the car and waited for him to get into his. When he did, I pulled out of the bar's parking lot at 80 miles per hour. When I got on the interstate, I topped that at 100. I couldn't slow down. I wanted to get away. From everything. I wanted to go back to Forks. I thought about it on the way home, but decided against running away. I had to finish college. I had to it for myself and prove to Emmett that I was stronger than he thought.
I saw Emmett's jeep in my rear view mirror and sighed. For some reason, I was eager for the holidays to be over. It was only two more days until Christmas and a week and a half until New Year's, then Emmett would be leaving. Just knowing that I wouldn't be able to spend time with Emmett made me wish he hadn't come at all. It hurt too much to see him and not see him at the same time.
I pulled my car all the way up into the three car garage and went inside. I ran to my room and blasted Pink's Leave Me Alone throughout the house. I didn't care if it bothered them.
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me wanna kiss you
I love you so much more when you're not here
Watchin' all the bad shows, drinking all of my beer
I don't believe Adam and Eve spent every goddamn day together
If you give me some room, there will be room enough for two
Tonight
Leave me alone, I'm lonely
Alone, I'm lonely
I'm tired
Leave me alone, I'm lonely
Alone, I'm lonely tonight
I don't wanna wake up with another
But I don't always wanna wake up with you either
No, you can't hop into my shower
All I ask is for one fuckin' hour
You taste so sweet
But I can't eat the same thing every day
Cuttin' off the phone
Leave me the fuck alone
Tomorrow I'll be begging you to come home
Tonight
Leave me alone, I'm lonely
Alone, I'm lonely
I'm tired
Leave me alone, I'm lonely
Alone, I'm lonely tonight
Go away, come back
Go away, come back
Why can't I just have it both ways?
Go away, come back
Go away, come back
I wish you knew the difference
Go away, come back
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me wanna kiss you
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me wanna kiss you
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me wanna kiss you
Tonight
Leave me alone, I'm lonely
Alone, I'm lonely
I'm tired
Leave me alone, I'm lonely
Alone, I'm lonely
Tonight
Leave me alone, I'm lonely
Alone, I'm lonely
I'm tired
Leave me alone, I'm lonely
Alone, I'm lonely tonight
Tonight
(Go away
Give me a chance to miss you)
Leave me alone, I'm lonely
(Say goodbye
It'll make me wanna kiss you)
Alone, I'm lonely
I'm tired
(Go away
Give me a chance to miss you)
Leave me alone, I'm lonely
(Say goodbye
It'll make me wanna kiss you)
Alone, I'm lonely
Tonight
(Go away
Give me a chance to miss you)
(Say goodbye
It'll make me wanna kiss you)
The song kind of made sense. I just wanted to be alone, away from Emmett, but I also needed him so much closer. And I didn't want to wake up with anyone else besides him, not even Shane.
I stayed in my room for about an hour and a half, pondering what I was going to do. Finally, I made my decision. I wanted to go back with him, and I would convince him to let me, so that we can be together.
"Emmett!" I yelled down the stairs. "Can you come up here?!"
Rosalie, Shane, and Edward appeared at the bottom of the stairs. They all looked at each other worriedly, then back at me.
Edward finally spoke. "Emmett went to some bar. I think he said Manny's. He's been gone for about an hour."
I grabbed my keys and dashed out the door. When I arrived, he wasn't in the bar. He was in his car with his shirt off laying against the seat. It was pushed all the way back and tilted as well, so it made a comfortable lounging position. I got out of my car and walked a little closer. His eyes were shut, and he clutching something tightly in his hand.
A razor.
My best friend of many years had now become my worst enemy. That razor would hurt my one and only. I ran to the car, but I was too late. He took the razor and sliced himself from his right shoulder to right above his left nipple. He smiled as the pain turned into euphoria. I could tell because that's how it was with me. I grabbed the door handle to the driver's side - the side he was on - and opened it quickly.
"Why are you doing this, Emmett?" I asked calmly.
"I decided it was better than getting drunk," he shrugged.
"I would have rather seen your puke than your blood, but hey, whatever gets you through the day," I replied sarcastically.
"I'm sorry…" he whispered, leaning his head back against the seat.
"It's okay."
I cleaned his cut as best as I could and bandaged it up.
"Thank you. I didn't want you to see this," he sighed, motioning to the long gash across his otherwise perfect chest.
I didn't know what to say, so I just kissed him. It was short and sweet, but it got my point across. I put on his shirt for him and called Shane.
"Hey. can you, Rose, and Edward drive up here and get Emmett's Jeep? I'm going to drive him home."
"Yeah, sure. We're on our way," he said.
"Thanks."
I hung up, and Emmett followed me to my car. We got in, and the drive back was silent.
I pulled him inside and announced, "I'm going to bed. You can do whatever you want, but I suggest you go to sleep as well or get wasted. They're going to figure out that I drove you home for no reason if you don't."
I walked upstairs, and he followed. He grabbed my arm and whispered, "Can I have a goodnight kiss?"
I smiled at him and threw my arms around his neck, our mouths connecting. The kiss was rubbing against my still-healing stomach and his newly cut chest, so I pulled away quicker than was necessary.
"I love you, my Bella. I guess I'll see you at Christmas, the day after tomorrow. Edward and I are going to try to stay away from the house tomorrow. Shane said he was going to, also, just not with us. Rose will be here, though."
"Okay. I'm going to miss you. I love you more than anything, more than Shane, more than my own life."
I walked into mine and Shane's room and locked the door behind me. I needed to get away from my life for awhile, and Emmett had given me inspiration when I saw his blood. I don't know why, but it did.
I remember that I brought my stuff in earlier and grabbed the bag off the floor. I took out my razors, the bandages, the spray, and the wipes and went to the bathroom. I shed my clothes and stared into the full length mirror hanging on the back of the door. I looked hideous, a girl that was covered in scars - from herself and from another. A girl that was broken, literally. I hated it, the cutting, but I couldn't stop. Only Emmett had managed to help me, but for what? A year?
The sudden urge to cut was overwhelming, and I laid down on the cool, tiled floor.
The brand new razor was sharp against my flushed skin. I gasped very loudly when it connected with my thigh, then my calves and shins. I sliced the skin on my hip bone, traced the old scars with fresh cuts. I dug the blade into my shoulders and biceps, reliving the experience of my beating with John. It felt so real, so fucking real that I screamed and began to cry. Then, I heard the door burst open, even though it was locked, so I knew that Emmett used all of his strength.
"Holy shit!" he screamed.