Title: Loss
Rating: R (nothing explicit)
Word Count: 2,245
Characters: Lyle/Claire
Summary: Set after Episode 2.10 "Truth & Consequences". Lyle's coping with his dad's death. Lyle's POV.
Author's Note: This was a brain-child that happened VERY LATE at night. Please be nice.
I was numb. I didn't know what to feel. He was gone. He was always gone, but now... Well now he wasn't coming back. The picture I held in my hands was old and wrinkled, but it was my favorite. I'd had it since my eleventh birthday and I don't think mom even knew it was missing. My eleventh birthday marked the first time dad hadn't come home for me. He'd been sent off on some paper emergency on the East Coast and hadn't been able to get back in time. I had been so upset that I'd stolen the picture of him and Claire out of the upstairs guest room. Funny thing was, mom and dad never go in there and once Claire had found it missing, well she'd seemed to understand. This picture was all I had of him now and it was a sad reminder of how great a father he had been.
I sat up in bed and rearranged my pillow as a prop. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't bring myself to play a game. We'd spread my dad's ashes today and I'd been to numb, to cut off from the world to even help Claire. I'd stood there back by the car and let mom cry on my shoulder while I watched dry-eyed as Claire threw the last physical part of my dad into the ocean. I couldn't even cry now. I felt so hollow, so empty. There was a light knock on my door. I looked up but didn't get a word out before it was opened and closed again. Claire stood there. Her eyes were red and her cheeks were still wet from the tears. She was in her tank top and pajama shorts that she slept in, but apparently sleep wouldn't find either of us tonight. I gestured to her as I moved over in the small twin sized bed. Claire was small though, so it wouldn't be a problem.
"Lyle..." Claire said as a sob broke through. She walked over to the bed and crawled under the covers beside me. Claire and I had never seen eye to eye on anything. We've never really talked and other than the time she hugged me for giving her back the tape of her failed suicides had never shown any affection towards me, but this was instinctual. This was mourning and I could comfort her when she needed it. She cried against my chest and though I figured it would have been better to wear a shirt to bed, I didn't really mind. I rubbed her back absentmindedly as I continued to look at my picture. Not even Claire's tears for our dad moved me enough to cry. Would I be one of those that didn't realize that their loved one was really gone until one day out of the blue you felt the loss? Probably.
"Shh. It's ok Claire." I said on instinct. I'm sure she needed to hear something, but the lack of true emotion in my voice made it sound wrong. I was beginning to get mad. Why couldn't I mourn my father the way she did? Did it take a bond of adoption to feel love towards your parents? Cause I've met Claire's bio-mom and believe me there is no love there. When the sobs subsided I thought I heard a mumble but wasn't sure. "What Claire?"
"Call me Clairebear." She said so softly I thought I'd have to ask her to repeat herself. The request was simple enough, but at the same time it made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I could understand why she'd want me to call her the pet name dad had for her and that wasn't what was bothering me... But something was bothering me. "Please..." The plea was a broken sound of immense pain and I could hear the need and longing in it. This would only make her upset more, later, but right now... I could do what she asked of me. I searched deep for whatever meaningful slip of audio I could find of my dad and tried to immolate his concern and love, maybe it wasn't a great idea, but Claire needed me and I found that there's nothing I wouldn't do for.
"It's alright Clairebear." As soon as I'd said them I knew, I just knew it would not end there. The hair on the back of my neck rose once again and for once I tried to analyze the relationship that my dad and Claire had really had. Had there been more to the picture that was shown to mom and me? Was it wrong had there been something more? Concerning mom, yes it was wrong, but then again I didn't know if there had been more. Claire's shudders stopped and she clung to me like a lost child. I think I immolated his voice to well. "Claire..."
"Please..." Was all she said as I became aware of her hands. Her head was still on my chest, but instead of just lying there for comfort, she was rubbing her face against my skin. I closed my eyes against the sensation, it felt so good, but at the same time so wrong. Had my dad taken advantage of her? Or had she taken advantage of him? Was their relationship something like she was hinting at now? I dropped the photo on the floor and pushed her face away from me. I did it to see her face, for her to see who she was with, but also because I had been enjoying it and that wasn't right. Her hand was on my back as she laid back on the bed. Her eyes were still wet with tears and her nose was red. Her other hand was by her head in what looked like a model pose until she used it to shield her eyes. I could hear new sobs that barely escaped her closed mouth.
"Claire..."
"Please..." She cried harder. Her shoulders shaking. She didn't drop her hand nor let go of her grip on my side. "I need him. I need him..." Her crying was silent but it was stealing her words. I cupped her face and wiped away a few tears. Her hand came down from over her eyes and she gripped my hand. "Hold me like he did... Call me Clairebear... Just... Just for tonight..." She said very softly, very shyly which is when I knew for sure that Claire had called my dad Noah, and probably for a long time now. I scooted down in the bed, her being so short it was too awkward of an angle for anything. Surprisingly her eyes never left mine as I repositioned myself.
"How... How did he hold you..." I asked shyly. I really did not know what she expected of me, besides the 'Clairebear.' The smile she gave me was so hollow, so empty that I felt my stomach drop and it was replaced with a well of grief for her. A single tear collected in the corner of my left eye but never fell. Here was what I needed to mourn. Not the loss of my dad, but the emptiness that was left behind. The void that one day would be filled... in me. Claire on the other hand, I had a feeling she'd always have the void within her.
"Alright... Clairebear." I said as she remained looking into my eyes. Claire withdrew her hand from underneath me and turned onto her side with her back to me. Her hand guided mine to her chest where it rested, although her death grip on my hand remained. I scooted in close to her and mirrored her position so I would be comfortable as well. Her head fit perfectly underneath my chin and yet she still had pillow room. Lying there with her made me think of her as a doll, perfectly proportioned for this. My other hand was underneath the pillow because there was no room between us, but even so the position was an uncomfortable one and soon I found myself dozing.
Movement woke me up and it was to Claire propped up on her elbow. She didn't stay that way long and the warmth spread back through my chest as she regained her place. It took me several sleepy minutes to realize that my hand was not on fabric any longer and that my chest was against bare skin. My drowsy state drained away quite fast and most of my blood rushed to one area. I hissed, "Claire! What are you..."
"You... You said..." Her voice was small and still tear-filled and I guess that I misunderstood our agreement. I sighed as she turned onto her back. Her eyes looking up at me and there was just no way I could say no. Hell now my own body wanted it to, but I wasn't sure how far this was going to go. Did 'Hold me like he did.' entitle an actual activity? I had better make sure of things this time... I thought as I moved my hand from atop her breast, where she'd placed it, to the area right below it. Her eyes fluttered closed at my movement, but I hadn't intended to 'start' anything.
"Make it clear to me, Clai-- Clairebear." I said which opened her eyes again. She wrinkled her brow in confusion. "What... What do you... What all do you want from me?" I asked trying to make her understand without actually spelling anything out. She lowered her eyes in understanding, but remained quiet. This worried me a little. Had it been so bad, so intimate with them and why wasn't it creeping me out? Because this is another part of him you can remember and hang on to... My inner voice answered. "Come here." I said pulling her toward me. She flipped onto her side, facing me, and buried her face in my neck. I caressed her back as her sobs returned.
"Lyle..." My chin had been resting on the top of her head, but as I heard my name she moved her head. I looked down into her light eyes.
"Yeah?" I asked not sure where this was going now. She'd asked me to be him, or rather act like I was him... Now she wanted her younger brother?
"I know it's you..." I puzzled over the statement for a moment. Well of course it's me... Who else? I mean... My thoughts trailed off as I realized something.
"You wanted me... You just wanted me to... To hold you and call... Call you Dad's pet name for you?" I asked as I felt her nails, lightly scratching my back. It sent a chill up my spine and made the hair on my neck stand up once again. She didn't answer, only continued to look into my eyes. I was confused now. Was she still upset, yes... Did she still want comfort, yes... What... I gave up. One could only ignore hormones for so long... I thought as I pulled her face up to mine and kissed her. I broke the kiss after only a moment, but a moment long enough to have us panting.
"We… We both need the comfort…" She said as silent tears leaked out of her eyes. Her fingers played on my shoulder in an aimless way, but I didn't move or say anything. It seemed as if she had something more to say. Her expression was tortured, but her voice remained steady. "This… This isn't fair to you… I know, but… But he and I… We… It was so complicated…" She paused to wipe away the tears. "I'm real aren't I?" She asked me suddenly. Her eyes longed for an answer as did her voice. "I'm human aren't I? Real?" Her voice was close to panic now.
"Yes, shh. You are real Claire. I wouldn't be able to feel you if you weren't." I reasoned. I moved my hand in bigger arcs on her back to bring attention to it.
"But I can't feel pain… When I get hurt… It doesn't hurt… I can't feel…" She pleaded fresh tears in her eyes.
"You can feel." I said trying to keep her from getting hysterical. "Yes you can. Close your eyes." She did with no hesitation and I leaned in again and kissed her. "You. Can. Feel. That." I said giving her a kiss between each word. "Can't you?" I pulled away. "And I have a feeling that… That… Noah made you feel more." It felt wrong saying his name like he was a man I had known who'd worked at the movie theater and not my dad. Claire stared at me wide-eyed and nodded. "Well, then… Then I can make… Make you feel more…" I averted my eyes as my cheeks flamed red. I would do this for her. I loved her… She was my sister… Adopted sister and who was going to judge me for loving her more than I really should? Never the less, she needed me and I could be here for her… Whatever that entitled, I could do it… My thoughts warred around my head, but her soft touch on my cheek made me refocus. Her eyes were red, her nose was red, her hair was mussed everywhere, but in that moment she was the most beautiful person I'd ever seen.