Title: Uniform
Pairing/Characters: Noah/Claire
Rating: PG
Summary: Prompt #7 of 20. Dref is my Master and I shall write what she wants me to.
I sit at the end of my bed. Knees propped up so I can place my chin on them and wrap my arms around my legs. I sit there and try not to think. Try to be numb so that it doesn't hurt so much. It's unbelievable that he's gone. It's unreal. Where's the reality where he's alive... I ask myself as tears drop down my face. It's not fair. It's beyond the worst thing that could have ever happened. He didn't deserve to die. This family did not deserve his loss. I shake as the sobs take over. I just want to lay on my bedroom floor for all eternity and mourn him. I don't want to move, to put forth the effort to live without him. Where's Sylar when you need him... Where's the Haitian to make the memories go away... Where's the girl I used to be... Where is he... I wonder if he's floating in a void somewhere re-watching his life. Is he standing before the Christian's judgment? Is he reviewing his life so that he has a richer vision of what he's lost? He doesn't deserve that either... At this moment I would give anything, even my own life to have him back.
There's a soft knock on my door. I don't answer. Talking is senseless now. Living is senseless now. The door opens and Lyle walks in. He's holding something that I recognize but never wanted to see again. My cheerleading uniform. This brings forth new tears and sobs. I can't see anything now, my vision obscured by tears, but I can sense that Lyle's still standing there. "Mom said that it's clean... Here." He tosses it to the floor in front of me. It touches my toes and I pull my feet away from the hated item of clothing. I'll never again wish to be a cheerleader... Hell I'll never again live enough to do anything... I stare at the stupid white and blue uniform. The thing I was wearing when I'd told him I hated him. That had been the last thing I'd said to his face. He didn't know if I meant it or not... He didn't know that I could careless about anyone else in this world... He was my life.... A rage slowly builds within my chest. An anger so deep and powerful it frightens me. This anger and rage isn't aimed at anyone but myself. If I were able to jam a sharp object in the right spot of my brain to where I can't regenerate, I would gladly join him in pseudo death. It had to be better than this half existence.
The rage within is building, getting ready to burst and I can't tell if I want it to or not. I try to think logically about what might happen if I just lost control and realized that I didn't care anymore. I was numb finally. Nothing mattered. I gave an inarticulate scream at the unfairness of the this life. Of Noah Bennet's life. I raged and screamed. I heard Mom and Lyle run to my door, but they were smart in staying outside it. I would have tried to harm them and I wouldn't have cared afterwards. The first physical item I had in my hands was my uniform. I wasn't super strong, but I ripped and ripped as best as I could until the thing was white, blue, and red shreds. The wounds barely registered as they healed over. The anger at my ability that could not help him blinded me and I grabbed the scissors on my desk. I stabbed and stabbed and stabbed. Blood everywhere and no marks to show for it. Screaming I ran around the room throwing and tipping over anything I could. Things shattered... Broke beyond repair and I didn't care.
I stopped, breathing hard and crying. Through the red rage I was seeing the bears. All those stuffed bears he'd given me over the years. One for every trip he'd made. Ones for birthdays, Christmases, every holiday that warranted a present. I had well over a hundred or more. I'd stopped counting them. Some had blood on them from my earlier failed attempts to injure myself. In them I could still see him. In them I could believe that he existed in some form. In them and only them could I live. It would be a sham of a life. The void he'd left was too big. It threatened to swallow me at every thought of him. There will never be love in my life again. Never... This I vow to you... I strip off my blood stained PJs and climb on top of the teddy bears, lying down. I'm still crying and I'm getting blood on them. This will be my life... I think as I spot the bloodied remnants of my cheerleading uniform.