"Strax, what're y'doing?"
I turned, my back still aching a bit from the case we'd just returned from.
"I believe I may have caught Frostworm from our excursion earlier tonight," I replied, determined to make sure the parasites' bodies were thoroughly charred.
"But is it really necessary to stick your foot in the fire?" the boy asked. Incompetent fool.
"Of course it is! The only treatment for Frostworm is incineration!" I spat back, irritated.
"Oh, and do you Sontarans usually have three toes, or did two burn off...?" he asked.
"We are cloned with three toes, brainless scum! Now are you finished with these insensitive questions, or will I have to dissect your tongue?" I scowled back, very clearly annoyed now.
"Watch how you talk to my wife Strax, or your tongue will be the one that ends up misplaced," warned Madame Vastra without looking up from her book. Grumbling, I returned to my parasite issue.
Of course, the Doctor decided to intrude, as ever, during the most inconvenient times. By now, I've learnt to recognise the strange noise of his ship and not launch all ammunition at-hand towards the source. He usually landed his ship in the corner of the drawing room, but today, he decided it would be a good idea to land it around us. I looked over to the boy and the Madame on the armchair (somehow managing to share the area without personal space qualms) looked excited by the intrusion, not sharing my thoughts of irritation.
"You, Mrs and Mrs Detective, need a break. Fun! Fun is what you need!" said the Doctor as he performed his strange ritual around the ship's console. "So, I'm taking you-" He threw a lever back, "-to a favourite spot of mine on Dalnoot. You'll love it, I'm sure."
Just when I'd gotten the hang of staying upright in the alarmingly insubordinate ship, I felt a very certain 'thud' under us. So where was this new world that was to be conquered?
"Intergalactic holiday, so it should be nice and quiet for you two. Just don't wreck anything, right? Manager was furious when he kept missing my visits last time to give me the enormous bill..." said the Doctor, seemingly forgetting I was also onboard. It was rather annoying how he kept whisking us away on his escapades, assuming we were free and constantly ready to invade and conquer.
"Uh, Doctor? Where...and when-" Madame smiled widely ('beamed' is the London terminology, I think) "-are we?" asked the boy. The Doctor turned towards the doors, also 'beaming'.
He flung open the doors, allowing an abnormally white stream of light enter his ship.
"Welcome to the third largest toy store in the world!" he proclaimed rather happily, which is not the attitude to put on when introducing the new planet to their future leader.
Only humans would exhaust their time, effort and resources into instruments of fun. Despite this, I was still curious on the exact nature of these 'toys', and proceeded to enter the toy barracks. Indeed, there were rows upon rows of oddly-shaped, colourful objects. There was never just one version of an object, but several clones of each instead. Ah, so it seems that these toys have already acknowledged the best form of number wielding is by cloning. Excellent, I can manipulate the army ranks to do my bidding.
The Doctor, Madame and the boy all ran off down an aisle, leaving me behind. No matter what the location, a soldier must do his duty, so, sighing, I proceeded to scout the perimeter of this building. The entire process was time-consuming, but it had to be done.
It seems the Doctor wasn't exaggerating when he claimed it was the third largest toy store. An hour later, And I'd only just passed my second corner. Along this wall was yet another enormous series of tall shelves with lines and lines of cloned warriors sitting upon them, ready for battle. I strode past them all, instead examining the strange patterns adorning the floor, trying to determine which red squiggle could potentially be the trigger key for a hidden trapdoor.
My peripheral vision caught an irregularity in the shelves, and I immediately stopped and pointed my gun. Hmm, it was a door, which explained there were no shelves in at spot. There was a large triangular sign bordered in black, with a strange black symbol in the centre. It consisted of a black, vertical line with a black square underneath. I furrowed my brow, trying to put my 'English' training sessions from the boy into use. The symbol itself looked like an English symbol, called 'letters', the 9th one called Eye, but upside-down. Below was an English word that spelt out 'Warning'. Ha! I've seen this sign so many times to know that the feeble humans' idea of danger is pathetic, and there is no actual threat behind marked doors of this kind.
I charged through the door with a cry of 'SONTAR-HA!' just to be met with a disappointing darkness. I had no means of lighting (all incendiary weapons had been left at base), but being a brave Sontaran warrior, I edged further inwards. Judging from the returning echoes and my outstretched arms, it was a relatively narrow corridor that went on for some distance.
I continued on like this for several more minutes, the rectangle of light behind me shrinking. The boy's voice echoed in my head: 'Curiosity kills the cat, Strax.' Ah, but curiosity isn't the only thing that kills the cat! He didn't appreciate this reasoning as much when I showed him my evidence. I don't know, maybe humans have a crippling weakness to liquefied feline.
Suddenly, a sharp, intense pain struck my bare foot. I staggered forward a little in agony, only for the same pain to inflict itself upon my other foot. With an impressive crash, I tumbled backwards onto the floor, the pain still echoing in my feet.
"Strax?"
I heard the Madame's voice, distant and echoed, and soon there were many footsteps rattling down the corridor.
"Strax, what 'appened?" I heard the boy ask above me.
"Don't move!" I ordered. "The floor is armed and dangerous!" There was a silence, and I saw the three of them exchange looks between them. I slowly got to my feet, wary of the pain that was mere inches away from me. The Doctor pulled a large light rod from his jacket, which made the boy widen his eyes in horror (or was it surprise? It's hard to tell on their strange little faces) and the Madame roll her eyes.
Now, I could see that the floor...was indeed armed. It had strange little cubes of various colours scattered around. Upon further inspection, some of these cubes were actually cuboids, and they all had strange, round bumps on the top. I picked a few up, and realised that these pain-bringers could slot together, one upon the other, depending on its size and how many bumps were on top.
"What are they?" Asked the boy as he crouched down to pick one up. I noted that Madame started forward to restrain him, but the Doctor stopped her with a subtle wave of his light rod.
"Lego bricks. One of the best inventions about. No-one topped it for ages, until...well..."
"Doctor, stop digressing. Are they dangerous?" asked the Madame. The Doctor stopped his ramblings to look up at the lizard mistress.
"No! Why would you say that? Completely harmless, unless you, uh...oh, you poor Straxy..."
"What? What's happened?" snapped the boy, his head shooting up.
"Looks like your nurse has stood on one. Or a few, judging by the size of his feet."
I took as many of the 'Legos' as I could back home, where I experimented further with them. It seems they were ineffective when the victim is wearing shoes, but if a few are scattered around a bedroom, it has the mixed effect of inflicting pain and arousing anger. The boy has made me promise never to do this again, no matter how effective.
My original plan was to craft short-distance teleportation mines. To beings of lesser intelligence, that means to teleport these Lego bricks from within the mine into the enemy's shoe, so there's no escaping their pain once it's entrapped within the tasty leather contraptions. However, the little bricks were as stubborn as they looked, and the plan was wholly unsuccessful. Instead, I've taken the honourable route to defeat and declared war on all Lego bricks throughout time and space. I repeat, Lego bricks are now code red, on par with Rutans and Moonites. May they quiver in their skins before the might of the Greater Sontaran Empire.
Soldier's Footnotes: I apologise sincerely for the delay in this new field report. We have gained a new leader at the educational base, who has been rather unforgiving with setting tasks outside working hours.
Human Notes: The prompts for this came from two anonymouses...anonymi? Ah, I don't know the plural. Anyway, they are as follows: "Maybe he could build mines that transport Legos into the enemy's shoe?" and "I think that Strax should step on a Lego and then declare war in the name of the Greater Sontaran Empire on all Legos."
Oh, and a note to Artdirector123, or anyone else interested. Your suggestion of Strax's weaponry withdrawal symptoms was trialled, and after several terrible drafts, I decided it was better as an image. Here's the link: post/78045569224/so-this-was-actually-meant-to-be-a-prompt-for-a