Okay, it's a really long time since I last wrote a Darn drabble. I haven't even watched Smallville in more than a year. So I've decided to put up all the rest of the Darn drabbles in one big chapter, rather than messing around with uploading each individual one. These were all originally written for the wednesday100 over at livejournal, and I'll put the topics at the top of each.
1111111111111111111111111111
Astronomy
(inspired by The Sims)
"Are you comfortable? Want another blanket?"
"This is fine."
It didn t look fine. Lana lay as stiff as a board, arms rigidly crossed. When she d agreed to come out to the meadow star-gazing with him, Clark had hoped for something cuddlier.
Then things got even worse. "Help!" someone cried, miles away.
Clark couldn t ignore it. "I'll be right back." He trotted out-of-sight, and then took off like a shot.
Lana sighed. Someday she'd make Clark tell his secrets. She decided to star-gaze until he returned, then make him feel bad for abandoning her.
Suddenly a satellite fell on Lana.
Darn.
2222222222222222222222222222
Struggle
Even though she had abandoned the cheerleading squad, Lana was still a native Smallvillian, and therefore she loved high school football passionately. She had conveyed this enthusiasm to her devoted Giant Krypto-Ants, and they all watched the State Championships together.
Smallville High won, of course, and there was much rejoicing, characterized (as Lana had instructed them) by joyful jumping and crashing about.
Lana began to panic when she couldn't escape from the surging crowd of celebrating giant ants. She struggled to get free, but alas! Due to her tragic lack of an exoskeleton, she was crushed by the mob.
Darn.
33333333333333333333333333
Toys
(I think the topic was "toys", anyway. Was it "Where does he get those wonderful toys?" or "Where does he get those marvelous toys?" that Jack Nicholson's Joker said about Batman in the first Tim Burton movie?)
"Trust me. You need one of these."
Batman thrust the suitcase-sized box (complete with red button labeled "To Destroy Superman") into Superman's hands. "If Luthor ever finds your lair, you'll thank me."
"Oh, I don't think he's going to -- "
Batman cut him off. "I've been doing this a lot longer than you have." And then he was gone.
-_-_-_-_-_-_-
"Clark! You promised we wouldn't be late this time!"
J"ust a minute!" Clark yelled from the bathroom.
"Fine!" Lana huffed. She wandered around his apartment, looking in cupboards and drawers. "What's this?"
Lana pushed the red button, and was instantly obliterated.
Darn.
444444444444444444444444444
The topic was "Tell 'em how you really feel". I did two.
Lana set down her Psych 101 textbook. "So. Holding in my feelings is bad," she pondered.
The next day:
"You're a lying liar who lies! You don't deserve my friendship!"
"Huh?" Clark asked, but Lana had flounced away.
"You always liked Clark and Pete more than you like me! This friendship is over!"
"You haven't said a word to me in four months!" Chloe protested, but Lana was gone.
"You're smelly and disgusting! You should be ashamed of yourself!"
The mentally-disturbed homeless man thought for a second, then picked up a nearby chunk of concrete and shattered Lana's skull.
Darn.
DISCLAIMER: The author does not encourage or condone hitting anybody with chunks of concrete, no matter what mean things they might say.
and:
"Stay away from those squishy four-limbs! They don't love you as we do!" insisted the Giant Krypto-Ants.
"Nonsense!" Lana declared, wrinkling her nose cutely. "I like other human beings! I'll spend time with them if I want!"
The ants were devastated. They left Smallville and spread out in search of presents that would make Lana love them again.
While her giant insectoid protectors were gone, and Clark was occupied trying to solve a statewide epidemic of thefts at Gift Shops and Jewelers, Lana was unfortunately killed by a mob of angry squirrels.
They buried her under the oak tree.
Darn.
5555555555555555555555
Star
"You're majoring in what?" Chloe sputtered.
Lana blinked and nodded reprovingly at her friend. "Why, Chloe! You know how much I love studying the stars and planets! I've always been passionate about astronomy! Or was that astronautics?"
Chloe rolled her eyes, grabbed her book-bag, and left.
Lana joined the U.S. Space Program. She quickly became adept at all the skills NASA requires of its astronauts, and was selected as the first woman to land on the moon. Her space flight and touchdown went perfectly, of course. Unfortunately, her preternatural presence awakened the Ancient Space Dragon, and it ate her.
Darn.
6666666666666666666666666666
Competition
(You've seen these on Food Network, right? They're almost like reality shows.)
Without anybody noticing (and with the help of her devoted Giant Krypto-Ants) Lana had become a world-class pastry chef. She was invited to compete in the World Sugar Sculpture Championship in Las Vegas.
Her showpiece (perfect for any formal luncheon!!!) incorporated elements honoring Kansas state agriculture, giant mutant insects, her dead parents, and the Eiffel Tower. It was constructed entirely of shimmering pink sugar, with a razor-sharp shard of meteor rock perched decoratively on top. Unfortunately, the whole thing collapsed while Lana was moving it to the judging table. Poor Lana was impaled through the heart, and died instantly.
Darn.
777777777777777777777
Mpreg
Lana stormed into the barn. "Clark Kent! You ve been avoiding me!"
Her boyfriend's startled face popped out from behind a rack of hay. "Lana! Uh, I, um, I haven t been avoiding -- "
"Baloney! I call a spade a spade, Clark! You're seeing someone else, aren't you?"
Clark blushed.
"I knew it! You've got another girlfriend! Ooh! You! You've probably -- "
Lex stepped into view from behind the same rack of hay. He looked pale and angry, and his abdomen was strangely distended. "Knocked her up?"
Clark groaned and buried his face in his hands.
Lana's head exploded.
Darn.
888888888888888888888888
Two Minutes Before Midnight, New Year's Eve
(Alas, for life's inevitabilities...)
Lana had always longed to join the Times Square New Year's Eve Celebration.
Lex swore he'd be with her once he cleared up one little problem, and ordered her to enjoy herself until he arrived. Lana suspected Lex's "little problem" was that alien busy-body, Superman, again, but she was sure Lex would handle him!
At two minutes until midnight, everyone's attention was on the glittering ball. Nobody noticed that Lana had somehow wandered past all the safeguards.
Just like her poor dear parents before her, Lana gazed in fascination as a huge glowing object descended and crushed her flat.
Darn.
9999999999999999999999
Coat Closet
In order to demonstrate his trust, Lex naturally gave Lana the keys to every door in the castle.
Most were just boring old rooms (including one that contained only a dramatically-lit compacted car) but finally she unlocked a closet of old-fashioned, beautifully-preserved fur coats. "These are lovely," Lana sighed, moving further in. The coat closet led out into a wintry landscape Lana had never seen before! "What is this place?" she exclaimed, blinking rapidly.
"Look! The White Witch!" shouted a nearby horse. "Get her!"
Narnia had neither Kryptonians nor Krypto-Ants to protect her. Poor Lana was trampled to death.
Darn.
101010101010101010101010
Melodrama
(I think we all saw this coming.)
"Heeeelp me!"
"Scream all you want, my pretty! No one can help you now!" Lex twirled his mustache (an artificial one, purchased expressly for the occasion) and finished tying Lana to the railroad tracks. "Mwahahaha!" he chortled.
"I'll save you!" called Clark, riding up on a white horse.
"My hero!" Lana declared, fluttering her eyes.
Clark put the smackdown on Lex, big time. He threw the bald villain thirty feet into the air, knocked him down again, and rumpled his clothes, all the while berating him for his moral shortcomings.
Meanwhile, poor Lana was run over by a train.
Darn.
111111111111111111111111
Pranks
(Saw this on Mythbusters once)
That darn Clark Kent! How dare he say that her outfit was nice. Even a dumb, blind, hick farmboy should have realized it was exquisite!
It wasn t worth breaking up over, not so soon after the last time, but Clark definitely had to pay.
Lana remembered something she'd heard about somewhere. She microwaved some jawbreakers, then set them out on the counter near Clark's table.
"Ooh! Candy!" Clark said. He ate a jawbreaker. "Thanks, Lana."
Well, that was a bust. Lana took a jawbreaker. It was cool already. Oh, well. She ate it.
It exploded. Poor Lana was decapitated.
Darn.
121212121212121212121212
Flights and/or Tights
(This seems rather inevitable, to me.)
It was hard to say exactly how it happened. Maybe it was the tornado freshman year, or the witchcraft and alien invasion senior year. Maybe it was the hundred narrow escapes all through high school, or even the first one the 1989 meteor storm, that killed her parents right before her terrified three-year-old eyes.
Whatever the reason, Lana inexorably developed the idea that she was invincible, safe from all harm.
The library at Metropolis University was ten stories tall. Lana could see her house from the rooftop garden. She decided she could fly home from there.
She was wrong.
Darn.
131313131313131313131313
Size Appreciation
(It's all a matter of scale)
Lex lay sleeping, sated for the moment. Lana leaned out and looked upon Metropolis, so far below.
The rioting people, the overturned cars, the burning buildings -- everything looked like the work of particularly interesting ants. She leaned farther, lost her balance, and fell.
Even falling, Lana thought for some time that she'd still be okay. Clark would come, or the Giant Krypto-Ants. Unfortunately, Clark was trapped, and she had completely underestimated the distance between Smallville and Metropolis -- the Krypto-Ants were much too far away to get there in time.
Lana splatted against the pavement like an egg.
Darn.