Inner Conflict — XVI
Momo gazed through the small, circular window at the stars that twinkled down on her. There was a slight tinge of pink in the blue-black sky; the sun was going to be coming up soon. She sighed and looked through the bars of her jail cell, across the floor, and through the bars of another jail cell, her eyes landing on Rukia, who was leaning against the wall, her arms wrapped tightly around her legs, her chin resting on her knees. She was staring at the floor, her eyes dark, void. Momo shivered, not liking that look.
"Rukia-san?" She didn't respond. "Rukia-san, I know you're upset. But please, please don't feel guilty. It's not your fault."
"That's what everyone's always saying." Rukia muttered without looking at Momo. "That's all I heard for fifteen years. It's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong. If I didn't do anything wrong, why do people feel the need to keep saying it's not my fault?"
"Because you feel the need to keep blaming yourself. And whether you like to hear it or not, you're not strong enough to deal with it by yourself. You need help. You need somebody to keep telling you it's not your fault." Rukia didn't answer. Momo sighed and looked around her tiny cell. They were in the Squad Ten barracks until it was decided what their punishment would be.
And they would be punished. Of course they would be. That wasn't what bothered Momo. What bothered her was, as she watched her friend, the realization the Rukia would gladly accept whatever punishment was given to her. Whatever helped her escape her feelings. That scared Momo more than anything else.
"So what do you think they're going to do to us?" Momo asked finally, mostly to fill the silence. Rukia shrugged.
"I don't know. At this point, I don't care. I don't care what happens to me anymore." Momo scowled a bit. That had been apparent when they'd come back. Yamamoto had, of course, demanded an explanation. Rukia, in an attempt to keep Momo out of trouble, had told him the entire thing had been her fault. She'd stayed close to the original story, saying that Aizen had blackmailed them — though refusing to say what he'd used against them — but then she'd veered off, saying she'd forced Momo to go along with what Aizen wanted them to do, even though Momo had been skeptical. Momo had, of course, tried to argue with Rukia, but she'd been silenced. Finally it was decided they would both be locked up until a decision was made.
"You'll be lucky if you don't get into some serious trouble, Rukia-san. Confessing to being a traitor is one thing — and I know you planned on doing that from the very beginning. But telling them you forced me to go along? What were you thinking?"
"The way I see it, we're screwed no matter how we look at. But I thought about it, and I realized it was stupid for both of us to go down. You might as well still have a chance."
"What in your warped mind makes you think I deserve that chance any more than you do?" Momo demanded. A sad smile played on Rukia's lips.
"You still have a lot to live for." Momo narrowed her eyes at Rukia.
"And what, you just want to give up? After everything that's happened, you're ready to call it quits?" Rukia shrugged.
"I don't know anymore Momo-san. But I know this; I've sat on death row before. I'm good at resigning myself and giving up. Can you say the same thing?" Momo bit her lip. She wasn't sure how to answer that question. "Exactly. You still have hope. You still have a chance."
"You make it sound like they've already sentenced us."
"Treason, Momo-san. We're traitors. There's only one path for traitors, you know that." She did. But she didn't want to give up yet. And she didn't want Rukia to give up yet either.
"Are you saying that because you know it's true or because you want to die?" Rukia averted her eyes, refusing to answer. Momo sighed. "Damn it Rukia-san. Do you even hear yourself sometimes? You're so quick to give up and resign yourself to the worst fate, and I hate it, because you never seem to realize what you're giving up. Like right now. Imagine what Kurosaki-kun would say—"
"Momo-san maybe you haven't noticed," Rukia cut Momo off, "but Ichigo isn't exactly around right now, and he probably won't be around ever again. And that's my fault. It's my fault he's gone."
"He's not gone." Momo argued. "He's just…lost. And who do you think he needs to find him, Rukia-san? He's buried in some terrible darkness. Who do you think he's waiting for to dig him out? You. He needs you just as much as you need him, Rukia-san. If you give up than he really will be gone forever. He's waiting for you, Rukia-san. Just like he always has. He waited for fifteen years, remember? He waited for you to save him. He needed you to save him. Orihime-san and Ishida-kun and his family…none of them could do for him what you did. He recovered because of you. If you give up now, you're just condemning him to a fate worse than death — you're trapping him in his head, making him powerless. Because he's going to wait for you, and you're not going to be there to help him."
Rukia was quiet for a moment, turning Momo's words over in her mind. Even if she could believe that she had the power to save Ichigo, it didn't change the fact that she'd never have the chance. Because whether Momo wanted to hear it or not, all traitors would die. It was the way — the law — of Soul Society.
"You can't just put them to death!" Toushirou was arguing vehemently with Yamamoto, who regarded the white-haired captain with a solemn look.
"Them, Captain Hitsugaya — or her?" Toushirou flinched.
"I don't want Kuchiki dead either." He defended himself quickly. "Especially when you stop to consider the fact that neither of them did anything wrong—"
"Does the word betrayal mean nothing to you?" Soi Fong asked, glaring Toushirou down. He glared right back.
"Depends. Does the word blackmail mean nothing to you?"
"It's not our problem if they give in that easily to petty little threats—"
"There is nothing petty about any threat that comes out of Aizen's mouth." Toushirou snapped. "If he says it, I guarantee he will follow through on it. You know that perfectly well Soi Fong. I'd have probably done what he told me too, if he ever threatened me."
Maybe that wasn't true. Toushirou didn't know anymore. He didn't care either though. "We don't even know what he was threatening them with." Komamura interrupted the argument. "For all we know, that's just a story. Neither of them seemed eager to tell us what he used to blackmailed them."
"I don't think they're lying." Kyoraku said thoughtfully. "I don't think they were in any position to lie about anything — what would there be to gain? They both know they're finished. Why try to rationalize it?"
"Why not tell us the whole truth then?" Kyoraku shrugged.
"Maybe it's something private. Hinamori and Kuchiki do have personal lives, you know. Maybe it's just not something they felt like divulging." Toushirou looked at his feet, biting his lip.
"Now seems like an odd time to worry about being embarrassed."
"I didn't say they'd be embarrassed. I was thinking more along the lines of making a certain someone feel guilty." Kyoraku's eyes rested briefly on Toushirou. "Face it. How would you feel if you knew that someone you cared about was forced to work for the enemy under the threat that you would be killed if the person didn't cooperate?"
"Enough." Yamamoto said finally, drawing a close to all conversations. "The question, now, isn't whether or not they should be punished — but how should they be punished."
Nobody responded to that. Toushirou scowled at the ground. He'd known from the start he was going to lose this argument. What he hadn't expected was to have people on his side. And from the looks he saw on the faces of Kyoraku, Ukitake, Abarai, Kira, even Unohana — which really surprised him — he saw that he did, in fact, have people who agreed with him.
Of course, there was Kurotshuchi and Zaraki, who just didn't give a damn. Then there were the law mongrels — Soi Fong, Byakuya, and Komamura, who would put anyone who threatened Soul Society law to death. Byakuya sort of pissed Toushirou off. He should have known better, but really, it was the nobleman's sister…didn't he have a heart?
It didn't matter now, he supposed. He'd known his fight was a lost cause. But it had been worth a try. "We'll adjourn, for now. Go back to your divisions and inform them of the new developments. We'll need someone to cover the fifth division—"
"I've got that." Toushirou muttered. Why not, he thought idly. That poor fifth division. They just weren't having any luck with their captains and lieutenant. Maybe Aizen had cursed the place before he left. Toushirou wouldn't be surprised if that turned out to be the case.
"If you think about it logically," Toushirou heard Kyoraku say to Ukitake, "it wouldn't be smart to punish Hinamori or Kuchiki, not right away. Face it, we're already missing a bunch of lieutenants, why put ourselves out even more? Better to keep them at least until the war is over so we have people to fight."
"You believe them, then?" Ukitake asked. "About being blackmailed, I mean?"
"Like I said before, they have nothing to gain or lose but telling us that. Why bother with it? I think it was the truth." Ukitake nodded slowly. "The question now is whether or not Yama-jii understands how badly he'd be crippling us by punishing them. You heard Captain Hitsugaya — Kuchiki's achieved Bankai. Imagine having another Bankai-capable fighter on our side?"
Kyoraku's words made sense; in theory. But would Yamamoto listen?
Toushirou already knew the answer to that question. No. Of course he wouldn't listen.
"So they're just going to leave us hanging then?" Rukia thought for a minute about what she'd said. "Wow, that sounded bad."
A tired smile tugged at Toushirou's lips. "Unfortunately, yes. He's leaving you hanging — and you're right, that does sound bad."
Matsumoto, who was leaning against the wall next to Rukia's cell, rolled her eyes, but she was smiling. "I'm sure once Yamamoto's had time to think, he'll realize how stupid it would be to punish the two of you — at least right away."
Toushirou looked sadly at Momo, who was sitting in the corner of her cell, her arms wrapped tightly around her legs, fast asleep. Her head was resting against the wall. She was obviously exhausted, if she could sleep like that. But that was okay. Because Toushirou had a few questions for Rukia.
"Why did you lie?"
The raven-haired Shinigami regarded Toushirou wearily. "What do you mean?" She asked after a minute, though she knew full-well what he was talking about.
"When Yamamoto asked for an explanation. You lied to him, I could see it in your eyes. You told him you forced Hinamori to go along with Aizen — we all know that's a lie right there. As if Hinamori would need to be forced to do anything Aizen told her." Toushirou thought briefly about the fight in the living world. "Well, now might be a different story. But you know what I mean. So why did you lie?"
Rukia didn't answer right away. "Why not." She said finally. "Fifth Squad's just lost what, it's second captain since Aizen? Why make them lose their lieutenant too?"
"That is, without a doubt, the weakest excuse I've ever heard."
Rukia didn't respond. Toushirou sighed. "You feel guilty about Kurosaki. I know that. Is it really worth throwing your life away though?" She pressed her lips tightly together. Toushirou made a noise of aggravation in the back of his throat. "Fine, be stubborn. But you must be out of your mind if you think Hinamori will let you take all the punishment." He turned away, keeping his voice low as he said his next words. "And Kurosaki would be throwing a fit right now if he knew what was going on. So until he comes back…I'm protecting you too. For him."
He walked away without another word. Matsumoto stared after her captain, wide-eyed and shocked. Rukia was a bit surprised too. "If I didn't know any better," Matsumoto said slowly, "I'd say he actually considers Kurosaki-kun a friend."
She smiled. "Then again, maybe he does. I don't know. Captain Hitsugaya can be so hot and cold sometimes." She sighed before pushing herself off the wall and following her captain. Rukia sighed and leaned her head back against the wall, staring at the ceiling. She closed her eyes, and of course, she saw Ichigo.
"He's just…lost. And who do you think he needs to find him, Rukia-san? He's buried in some terrible darkness. Who do you think he's waiting for to dig him out? You. He needs you just as much as you need him, Rukia-san…If you give up now, you're just condemning him to a fate worse than death — you're trapping him in his head, making him powerless. Because he's going to wait for you, and you're not going to be there to help him."
Rukia sighed, not bothering to open her eyes. How was she supposed to save Ichigo when she couldn't even save herself?
Author's Note: Back to the mental part of the story. Mental torture is so much better than physical fighting. I'm better at writing it anyways. I hope. Review, please? — Sam