Inner Conflict — XVII
Rukia and Hinamori exchanged wide-eyed stares. "Sorry. Could you just, um…repeat that? One more time?"
Matsumoto laughed at the stunned looks on her friends' faces. "Your reactions are even better than I expected."
Toushirou just rolled his eyes. "You really want me to repeat it?" They nodded, their heads moving in sync with each other's. "Fine. You both get probation. You'll be under strict, twenty-four hour watch for…I don't know how long, actually. I guess until the old man decides you're really not going to turn traitor on us again."
Rukia and Hinamori continued to gape. "I think they were expecting a death sentence." Matsumoto mock-whispered to her captain. Toushirou sighed.
"Yeah, who wasn't? But enough people stepped up to defend the two of you. I didn't know it was possible to convince Yamamoto, but I guess Hell has recently frozen over or something…" The white-haired captain shrugged. "You two aren't complaining, are you?"
"No!" Hinamori said quickly. Rukia was slower to answer.
"No." She said finally, her voice low, thoughtful. Toushirou turned on her at once.
"Don't even think about any suicide trips to Hueco Mundo. I wasn't kidding when I said you'll be watched every second of the day." Rukia sighed.
"Fine."
Hinamori cocked her head at her friend. At once time she'd been good at being able to tell what was going on in the raven-haired Shinigami's head. But now…it was as much as a mystery to her as it was everyone else.
Rukia was incredibly aware of the Stealth Squad member that had followed her from her house to the thirteenth division. Isn't the point of being Stealth Squad to be not noticed by the person they're following? She wondered snippily as she entered the division grounds. Then again, maybe she was being paranoid. Not that she doubted somebody was following her, of course. It was quite clear that compromise was the only thing saving her's and Momo's lives. They were saved in return for being watched twenty-four hours a day. It just made her feel…uncomfortable. As if the slightest slip-up could send her back to death row.
Then again…it could.
"Vice-Captain Kuchiki!" Everybody seemed strangely happy to see her, as if the fact that she had turned traitor on them didn't mean anything. Or maybe they didn't know. That seemed like the kind of thing Ukitake would keep from his division members. He'd never told anyone the circumstances surrounding Kaien's death either…
"Hey Rukia-san!" Sentarou caught up to her halfway to her office. "I was just wondering, did you um…I mean, did you…when you were in Hueco Mundo, did you find—?"
"Kiyone's okay, Sentarou. Or as okay as she can be, at any rate. She's alive. She misses you." Sentarou grinned smugly.
"Of course she does, she can't live without me."
Rukia had to smile. Kiyone and Sentarou were definitely a once-in-a-lifetime couple. "Anyways, Rukia-san…it's good to have you back."
Sentarou bowed before Shunpo-ing away. Rukia was surprised. Not that Sentarou wasn't always respectful, but that vice-captain-officer relationship had always been strictly informal. Saluting, yes. Bowing, no. It was strange.
Momo was glad to escape into her office. The few remaining Shinigami from Aizen's days as captain had been eying her suspiciously, as if to say, we always knew she would turn on us.
The first thing Momo noticed was that all the paperwork was sitting in a neat pile in the 'out' box on her desk. She walked over and picked up the first thing on the pile. It had Toushirou's signature. She sighed. Of course. He'd done all their paperwork last time as well.
Honestly, he acts like it's his responsibility…
Shaking her head, she sat her desk, staring out the division window. Everybody was wearing a similarly morose look; no one was happy about losing their second captain since Aizen.
Not lost. Momo shook her head firmly. Never lost. Ichigo was still very much alive and could still be saved. They would not lose another captain. Momo refused to let it happen.
Among the morose looks were looks of suspicion, eyes flickering towards her office window. Momo sighed. She'd expected this. It had been the same before too, when she'd come back after Aizen tried to kill her. No one had thought she was stable enough to continue being a lieutenant. And back then, they'd been right. But Momo was sure, now, that she would have no problem fighting in the future. No matter who she came up against.
Of course, she could say that now, now that she was sitting in her office thinking about it. When it actually came time to fight…
I wish I could talk to Shirou-chan, Momo sighed inwardly. She was forbidden to leave her division until sundown though, unless a vice-captain's meeting was called or something else happened. Just another part of what she liked to call her's and Rukia's 'free arrest.' They weren't behind bars, but they might as well have been. They went from their homes to their divisions and back again. Momo supposed she might be able to get away with a quick side-trip to the tenth division, but she wasn't going to take a chance.
Knowing him he'll come here before the end of the day…
Rukia looked at the pile of papers on her desk. Each and every one of them had Sentarou's or Ukitake's signatures. They hadn't left her with even one piece of paperwork. There went her only escape. She'd been hoping to have paperwork to distract her, at least from a little while, from the thoughts that were currently plaguing her, the most pressing being those of a certain orange-haired Shinigami.
The pain that attacked Rukia was even stronger than she would have expected. Every time she so much as thought Ichigo's name she felt as if someone were shoving a sharp razor into her chest and twisting it around. Everytime she tried to imagine him, all she could see was the hollow — that damn hollow with his stupid, twisted, evil smirk. When she tried to imagine Ichigo's voice, all she heard was the hollow's sick, twisted tone:"Spend fifteen years out of your mind, you tend to get weak. Really, I have you to thank for that," and an older memory, but one that struck Rukia just as hard: It's your fault, this all your fault! Blood, everywhere, blood spilled, all for you, it's your fault!
Rukia shivered, dropping her head into her hands. Pull it together Rukia, Shirayuki's voice reverberated through her head.
Easier said than done, Rukia shot back, not caring that Shirayuki wouldn't like the back-talk, and that she would probably make her bearer suffer later. You don't have to live with this.
I live with what you live, Shirayuki reminded Rukia. You just don't know how to handle it. You were never good at handling guilt, though, you did everything you could to avoid it. But now here you are, and you can't run away anymore. You don't like it very much, do you?
You're not helping.
I'm not trying to. I'm just telling it like it is, Rukia. You don't like guilt. You do everything you can to avoid it. When it was being forced to kill Kaien you turned your back on everything and shut out your emotions. When it was giving your powers to Ichigo and nearly getting him killed you allowed yourself to be captured and almost executed. After the war you came back to Soul Society to avoid dealing with the repercussions of the decisions you made regarding Ichigo. But now there's nowhere left to run to. And you don't like that, do you?
Rukia didn't answer. She wasn't about to admit that Shirayuki was right. She'd never live it down. It's time to stop running away Rukia. I know what you've been planning. You're ready to throw your entire life away on a suicide mission, just like Captain Hitsugaya said. You were counting on Soul Society to put you on death row again so you could look the other way, but that back-fired on you. Now you want to try and find a way into Hueco Mundo so you can go after Ichigo. Another escape. But you're not taking it.
It's not an escape, it's me trying to set all my mistakes straight. I'm just trying to take responsibility for what I've done, what's so bad about that?
Because you haven't done anything! Shirayuki snapped, sounding angry. You want to make up for something you haven't done, and all it's going to do is get you killed! Momo-san is right and you know it, you're the only one that can save Ichigo right now, don't throw your life away and leave him stranded, do things right this time Rukia!
Rukia stared at her desk, Shirayuki's words ringing in her head. Do things right, she repeated finally, I can handle that.
You can't if you get yourself killed.
There's a very simple answer to that, she looked out her window, at the grounds below. Don't get killed.
Shirayuki was silent for a minute. That's more like it, she said finally, her voice approving.
Momo looked up as a shadow fell over her desk, her eyes drifting to the window, and saw Toushirou sitting on the window-sill. "Shirou-chan."
He jerked his thumb at the Shinigami teeming around on the grounds below them. "Any of these jokers give you a hard time today?"
Momo giggled. "Don't worry you don't have to jump in and defend my honor. I expected the reactions I got. It's okay."
"You sure?" Toushirou's voice sounded slightly threatening. No doubt he'd have just loved to go down and rough up someone.
"Yes, Shirou-chan. Like I said, I expected it."
"Doesn't make it okay." Toushirou grumbled as he slid off the window sill, walking over to Momo. He stared at the ground as he said his next words. "I don't want any of them to bother you."
"It doesn't matter." Toushirou peaked at Momo out of the corner of his eye. She'd been…different since she'd come back. Her face no longer held the traces of weariness, her eyes were no longer dark and bothered, as if she were waiting for something bad to happen. Toushirou wondered if it was because she'd finally taken a stand; she'd stood up to her former captain, finally acknowledged that he was really and truly the enemy, that he needed to die — and hell, she'd even attacked him!
"It does to me. None of them know what they're talking about." He leaned against her desk, crossing his arms.
"And that's exactly why it doesn't matter." Toushirou rolled his eyes.
"If you say so." He bit his tongue for a moment. "Are you…okay?" He asked finally. He just had to be sure…
Momo shrugged. "Right now I am. Even with everyone muttering and tip-toeing around me, I'm happy to be back. I didn't like being a…a traitor." Toushirou bristled at the word. "And I didn't like…" Momo blushed, staring at the floor as she continued, "I didn't like being away from you." She muttered finally. Toushirou felt his cheeks warm a bit.
Aw, why'd she have to go and say that? He groaned silently. "That's good, because I didn't like having you away from me." Crap, his mouth had just developed a mind of his own. Momo looked up, her eyes hopeful.
"You didn't?" Toushirou almost smiled, reaching out and tucking a lock of loose brown hair behind Momo's ear. He let his hand linger on her cheek for a moment before pulling away.
"Of course not. I can't protect you if you're not around, can I?"
Momo's blush deepened. Toushirou bit his lip to keep from smiling. "Shirou-chan, I…" She shook her head slowly. "I'm glad you don't hate me." She muttered finally, looking back at the floor.
"I could never hate you Momo. Trust me." He saw a smile pull at her lips.
"You called me Momo." She shifted her eyes to gaze at him, her cheeks still a brilliant shade of red. "You've never called me that before."
Toushirou chuckled humorlessly. Of all the things she could have noticed, she had to note that he had changed what he called her. "If you want me to go back to 'Hinamori'—"
"No." She said quickly. "I like…I like 'Momo' better, actually. I like hearing you call me Momo. I…" Her voice trailed off, the words lost. "There's a lot to say." She said finally, her eyes shifting back to the floor. Toushirou reached out, tucking a hand under her chin and carefully coaxing her head up, forcing her eyes to meet his.
"Don't worry, you don't need to say it all right away. We have all the time in the world."
Author's Note: I had this joke about Shirayuki being a motivational speaker…another time though. So who thinks a fight between the hollow and Rukia sounds like a good idea? No one. Too bad, that's what I'm doing next chapter. And trust me, it'll be just as much mental as it will be physical. Review, please! — Sam