Inner Conflict — XX
Rukia felt as if she were dragging herself through black water, trying to find her way back to the plain of consciousness. Another force, meanwhile, pushed against her, warning her to stay unconscious, that she'd be happier that way.
But of course, Rukia never did what she was told. She won her struggle to the surface. The first thing she heard as she came to was a low snore.
Ichigo, she thought at once, forcing her eyes to open. She wanted to see him again, wanted to know he was really okay…
A bright light slammed her as her eyes opened, and she groaned, squeezing them shut again at once. Day-time. Great. She wondered idly how long she had been out for. Slowly, carefully, she opened her eyes half an inch, letting the light filter through her eyelashes so she could adjust. When she was satisfied, she opened her eyes the rest of the way, shifting them to her left, where the snoring was coming from.
And there was Ichigo, just like she'd known. He was slouched in the chair beside her bed, his head down, his eyes closed. His hands were clenched into loose fists, resting in his lap. Rukia half-smiled as she sat up, rubbing her head. She never took his eyes off of him.
Shirayuki?
Her sword's manifestation was there, of course, ready to gripe. About time you woke up. I was beginning to think you were just going to sleep the entire day away, not even bother with anything else…
Rukia waited until she was Shirayuki was done complaining before she spoke. About what happened…if the hollow ever takes over again, will I be able to…to help Ichigo? To save him?
Shirayuki didn't speak, and for a moment Rukia panicked. Calm down, Shirayuki placated her bearer quickly. I'm sure you'd be able too, unless you and Ichigo suddenly decide you hate each other. I do wonder, though, what lengths you would go to, if it meant completing what you seem to think is your responsibility.
It is my responsibility, Rukia argued. It's my fault—
And that is what's going to get you killed, Rukia.
She didn't have time to ask what that meant before a low groan drew her attention. Ichigo was waking up. She looked back at him quickly (she'd been staring off into space during her conversation with Shirayuki).
His eyes opened, meeting hers. Rukia resisted the urge to sigh aloud. She'd never realized how much she had depended on seeing those eyes, seeing that particular amber color, never realized how much of an anchor they were for her. They kept her sane.
That was so very wrong. And she had ceased to care.
"About time." Ichigo grumbled, disrupting the moment. Rukia glowered at him.
"Yeah, hi to you too." Rukia said sarcastically. "I'm okay, how are you?"
Ichigo's face softened. "I'm glad to see you're awake." He muttered finally. "So how are you?"
"Never been better." Even a fool could hear the sarcasm in her voice. And Ichigo, no matter what Rukia called him, was no fool.
"All right, I get it, you're in a bad mood." Rukia bit back another sarcastic comment about how she'd almost died last night. That would have only hurt Ichigo. No doubt he was already blaming himself. Rukia wasn't about to add to that guilt.
"I just want to know when I can get out of here." She said finally, her voice faltering as she spoke. Ichigo heard the hesitation in her tone and realized at once what she had avoided saying.
"I'm sor—"
"Don't," Rukia said at once, "for the love of God don't say sorry. All right? I'm only going to say this once, so listen well, because I'm not going to repeat myself. It's not your fault. What happened…" She hesitated, not wanting to come out and say it. "Just don't blame yourself, okay?" Then, because she couldn't be sincere for more than a minute, "I'm not in the mood to listen to your self-pity party."
Her final statement had it's desired effect. Ichigo scowled, looking amazingly like his old self. "Oh…shut up. I don't do self-pity."
"And yet you're doing such a good job at it right now."
This was natural. This was something Rukia could do. She could make fun of Ichigo and string him along and shoot off insults like she breathed. This was her comfort zone. Anything else was just…unnatural.
"We take any more of these attacks and there isn't going to be a Seireitei left." Toushirou muttered as he looked around.
"It'll only take one attack to kill us all — and that's the one Aizen personally sees to." Toushirou looked over his shoulder at his vice-captain, a bit surprised.
"That was surprisingly bitter, Matsumoto."
"Hard to look around and think of anything positive to say." Matsumoto muttered, crossing her arms. Toushirou blinked at her, completely shocked now.
"Don't be a pessimist, Matsumoto. It doesn't suit you."
"Matsumoto, a pessimist?" An astonished voice said from behind them. Toushirou almost smiled. Not just a voice. He'd know that voice anywhere. He turned to face Momo, who was regarding them with a smile.
"Can we help you?"
"Just dropping in." Momo looked around, her eyes wide and curious. "Your division looks better than ours, it's in shambles. I thought Captain Kurosaki was gonna cry when he saw it—"
"Kurosaki left the fourth division? Kuchiki must be out."
"'Course she is. He saw our division, decided it wasn't worth the effort, and ran off to see her." Toushirou rolled his eyes. Typical Kurosaki.
"And…what are you doing?"
"Also decided our division wasn't worth the effort. It's completely in shambles. Though I'll admit, it looks better than the ninth — passed them on the way here, building's completely leveled, no trees left to speak of, training ground was ripped to shreds…" Momo shook her head sadly. "We can't take much more of this."
"You're telling us."
Rukia looked around what remained of her division once…twice…
"This is just depressing."
"Take heart." Ichigo spoke from right behind her. "This place looks about ten times better than my division does."
Rukia turned to look at him. "If it looks better here then you must not have a division left to speak of."
"I don't." Ichigo shook his head, running a hand through his hair and looking around. "It wasn't even worth sticking around to watch the others try and clean up. And Momo wanted to go and see Toushirou, so…I took off first."
"You took off just so Momo could take off, huh? Aren't you a great, giving person." Ichigo almost smiled, until he saw the uptight, annoyed look on Rukia's face.
"What's wrong?" He asked without thinking. Then he realized. "Ah. Ukitake-san told you about…old man Yamamoto's decision?"
Rukia scowled, crossing her arms and leaning against one of the few remaining trees left standing. "Yeah, he told me. Of all the ways he could have punished us, he has to take us off the freakin' battlefield? What good will that do anyone?"
Ichigo sighed and reached out, tucking a lock of Rukia's raven hair back behind her ear, letting his large hand linger; his palm alone covered her entire cheek. "I know it's annoying—"
"No, you don't." Rukia argued. "Because you see, no one's going to take you out of the fight, no one's going to tell you to sit down and stay still while people you care about go out and die—"
"No one's going to die."
"Tell that to the people who have already died." Rukia muttered, reaching her small hand up and touching it to his. They stood in silence for a minute, their hands still touching, his still over her cheek. "It's not fair." She muttered finally. "How can Yamamoto expect me to just sit here while…"
Her voice drifted off. Ichigo turned his hand so their palms were touching and wound his fingers through hers, holding on loosely. "It'll be okay." He promised quietly. He let their still-intertwined hands fall into the empty space between them. Rukia looked down at them as if she had never seen anything quite like it before.
"Don't promise me anything." She whispered, her voice broken. "Don't make a promise you can't keep."
"Of course I won't." Ichigo said quietly. "I only make promises I can keep, you know that. And I promise this — I'm coming back alive."
"And how do you plan on keeping that promise?" Rukia demanded, trying to pull her hand away. Ichigo held on firmly.
"Do you need to ask?" He kept his voice light, his eyes filled with humor, but his face was serious. "Come on, I'm Ichigo, remember? I don't die."
"You're not immortal. You'll die someday."
"Someday." Ichigo agreed. "But not tomorrow. Or the next day. Or any of the days that follow in this war. Okay?" Rukia ducked her head, looking away from him. "Hey. Look at me." Ichigo reached his free hand out, tucking his fingers under her chin and forcing her to look at him. "What's really bothering you, Rukia? This isn't just about not being able to fight, even if it is near the top of your list of concerns. What else is there? What more could there possibly be?"
Rukia jerked out of his grip, looking down at their hands. "I don't want to lose you." She muttered after a moment. "I'm not even worried about you dying — I mean, I am, but it's not…I'm just…I don't want you to disappear again."
Ichigo's throat closed up, and it took him a minute to remember how to speak. "I'm not going anywhere." He said finally. "I won't disappear. I won't…I won't hurt you again. I refuse to."
You know I'm not worried about—"
"Yourself?" Ichigo cut her off. "Yeah, I know. You're never worried about yourself. It's one of the many, many things that annoys me about you…"
Rukia raised an eyebrow at him. "And?" She prompted, knowing there was something more he wanted to say, even if he wouldn't say it. Ichigo's skin darkened a bit, and he looked away from her, focusing on a spot some ten feet away.
"And it's one of the many…many things I love about you." It was Rukia's turn to blush. She felt a shock go through her at the word love.
"Ichigo…" She couldn't think of anything to say. Anything that wouldn't make her want to find an open hole to jump in, anyway.
"Forget it." Ichigo said at once, as if he'd realized he'd made a mistake. "I shouldn't have…I mean…forget it. Forget I said anything."
"What if I don't want to?" Rukia asked quietly. Ichigo looked back at her, surprise clear in his eyes.
"I don't think I'd mind that too much." He admitted after a minute. He closed the small space between them, reaching his other hand up and drawing her against his chest, holding her tightly with one arm. Rukia buried her face in his robes, sighing deeply.
"We're pathetic." She informed him after a minute. "Absolutely pathetic. Do you realize how pathetic we are?"
"If I didn't before the last twenty seconds, I certainly do now." Ichigo said with a small chuckle, kissing the top of Rukia's head. "And you're right. We're pathetic."
"I know I'm right." There was a small note of triumph in Rukia's voice. Ichigo half-smiled, holding her more tightly against him. "So what now?"
"Well…I think normal people would call this a moment." Ichigo said thoughtfully. "And normal moments usually end with…ya know, a kiss. Or something."
"Good thing we're not normal then." Rukia said as she pulled away from him. Her hand never left his.
"Yeah." Ichigo agreed. He raised his free hand, resting it on her cheek once more. "Uh…do me a favor."
"What?"
"Don't kill me." And Ichigo leaned in, brushing his lips over hers. Rukia reacted almost automatically, pushing up on her toes so their lips were more firmly against each other.
Time lost meaning as they stood there, so close together that they barely counted as two people. But finally they had to resurface, to breathe, at least. They pulled away from each other, and amber eyes met violet.
"I'm not going anywhere." Ichigo promised quietly.
"I won't let you." Rukia responded, squeezing his hand tightly.
Author's Note: It's been sooooooo long since I wrote a decent IchiRuki scene. This renews my faith in my writing though, because personally, I loved this part. What do you guys think? Review, please! — Sam