Chapter Seventeen

On my twenty-eighth day on the island, I was supremely grateful for having made nice with Jack the week before. What I was about to do would be made marginally less horrible by the fact that we were on speaking terms.

Early in the morning. I wouldn't let myself procrastinate this all day, it was important. After getting up and vomiting, I felt absolutely awful but wouldn't let myself use that as an excuse. I was going to see Jack. The trek to the caves was unpleasant, but by the time I got there I felt better. Only Locke and Charlie were sitting around the fire in the middle of the area, everyone else was still asleep. I barely said good morning, and didn't slow my pace. I had to do it directly, march in there and do what I needed to do. The slightest excuse or distraction could make me fail completely. I knew Locke and Charlie exchanged puzzled looks behind my back, but I didn't care. I knew which cave was Jack's, and I pulled back the curtain on the doorway, only at the last second praying he wouldn't be naked. He wasn't. A blanket covered most of his muscular body, and the parts of him sticking out were most definitely clothed. I felt awkward about waking him up, but I was too close now to quit. I had to do this fast or I'd start crying, back out of it, break down. All I had to do was talk to him. He was a doctor, he was Jack, it would be okay.

"Jack." Loudly, but not a yell. It took a repetition for him to wake up.

"Cammy? What the-"

"I need to talk to you. You're a doctor and I need to talk to you. I'm sorry for waking you up."

He took a moment to collect himself, and sat up against a cave wall, gesturing for my to sit on the floor across from him.

"What is it, Cammy?"

I was going to start hyperventilating. I could feel it. The words had to come out in order for me to breath properly. But I couldn't start.

"I can assure you there isn't much I haven't heard, even though I'm a spinal surgeon, not exactly your average family doctor."

"You're a spinal surgeon?" I choked out. Brief relief, a distraction for a few seconds. I tried to get my breathing under control, and feared that maybe I'd have my first asthma attack in years right now.

"Yeah."

"I never knew that."

"But whatever it is, I can probably help."

"How familiar are you with pregnancy?" I blurted.

"What?"

"I mean, I know you helped Claire out, but do you really know a lot about it all?"

"Cammy, WHAT?"

"I think I might be. Knocked up, that is." I was speaking really fast, and hyperventilating after all. IT was so dark and enclosed in this cave.

"What?"

"Stop saying 'what', I need you to help me!" I cried, raising my voice more than I should. I didn't want Charlie or Locke or anyone else overhearing this.

"How pregnant?"

"If I am? Thirty-one days and about seven hours." I'd been counting the hours stupidly since I seriously began to suspect.

"When are you due?"

"In about eight months." I said. What a stupid question.

"No, no. When were you supposed to get your period?"Jack said, clearly trying to wake his brain up better. He didn't even bother trying to sugar-coat anything, now.

"About four or five days ago."

"Cammy, go back to bed."

"What?"

"You're not pregnant." He chuckled a little at me, like a parent indulging a silly child.

"But I got nauseous yesterday, and again this morning."

He sighed, clearly humouring me so that he could properly assuage my fears and go back to sleep. "You seem very sure of the date of conception of this baby." He said 'baby' like 'unicorn' or 'leprechaun'. "So was the sex unprotected?" No, really not bothering to sugar-coat a thing. "Because if you used a condom, the chances of you being right about this are like fifty to one."

"There wasn't one. It was, uh, unprotected as can be."

"You're irresponsible. But it's probably still nothing, Cammy. You're probably just sick from the lack of refrigeration around here, Cammy. Everyone's been getting food poisoning. You're five days late, that's nothing. Go back to the beach and calm down. Better yet, find Kate or Shannon or someone. I have no idea what the women on this island have been doing, but they must have something worked out, and that'll come in handy when your period comes."

"Believe me, Jack." I said, tears forming.

"Trust me, Cammy." He had already turned back over, and was half-asleep. I left the cave, ignoring John and Charlie.

The reason I was so mad was simply that I wanted to believe Jack. I wanted to see reason and hope that it was all paranoia. But I had a sick feeling deep in my gut that went beyond the morning sickness. I was right about this.

It was Jack's turn to wake me up. I'd been napping fitfully all afternoon, and one of the times I tossed and turned over, his face was there at the tent's entrance.

"You're sure it was unprotected?"

"Yes."

"How long ago did you say it was?"

"About a month."

"We've been on the island for about a month, Cammy."

"It wasn't here, no. It was right before I got on the plane." I wondered whether my comment from a week ago, about rape, was ringing through his mind.

"I'll be right back." He left. I scrambled up out of my sleeping bag after him. By the time I caught up with him he was nearly at Sawyer's tent. He wasn't going to randomly pick a fight, was he? This would be random, especially since I'd just confirmed that my incident had been before the island. There's no way Jack could suspect Sawyer of anything.

He walked straight into that tent, and Sawyer was clearly inside because I immediately heard them arguing.

"What do you think you're doing, Doc?"

"I need something from your stash, and I need you to just hand it over, Sawyer."

"Why on earth would I do that?"

"This isn't some sort of macho powerplay, Sawyer. This isn't me trying to assert my authority. I don't give a fuck what you do, but I need something from your stash."

"Good to know you're the bigger man, putting aside past differences and all, but it ain't that easy, jack."

"Sawyer, I need a Goddamned pregnancy test right now."

I heard the shock in Sawyer's voice when he next spoke. "What, you late, Doc?"

"I'm not going to tell you who it's for, I just need it."

"And why can't Miss. Prego come in here and ask for it herself?"

Jack sighed heavily, I could hear it from out here. "Kate has a lot of pride, y'know."

My jaw literally dropped, and I knew Sawyer's must be, too.

"Freckles? No way."

"That's what we're trying to find out. If you'll just give me the test."

I was probably going to hyperventilate, again. This was all over me. What if Kate found out Jack used her like this? And she probably would, too.

"How . . . how pregnant we talkin', here?"

"She thinks maybe about six weeks."

"Oh, kay." Sawyer sounded so much happier with this comment. It was clear to me that either he was relieved the possible baby wasn't his –which would mean they'd had sex- or he was relieved that Kate hadn't necessarily had sex with anyone –namely Jack- while on the island, which would mean that he hadn't slept with her. My head was starting to hurt, I wanted to go back to my tent and lie down until it all went away. "Here you go. Tell her . . . " He didn't finish the sentence. I felt bad for him, mislead like this, but it was infinitely better than him knowing the truth.

Jack gave me the test once we were back at my tent, and told me to come find him when I had the result. I think he still expected it to be negative.

I made sure to follow the directions to the letter, because it wasn't likely I could get another one of these easily, and a tiny part of me wanted to prove Jack wrong. Most of me was screaming for him to be right, though.

I peed on the stick and waited exactly as long as the directions told me to.

Afterward, I wished I had a chalkboard so I could write: times Jack's been right so far, and then a million little tally marks. Beside it I'd write: times he's been wrong, and there'd be one lonely little tick commemorating me and the deep, unreasonably empty ache in my gut and in my heart.