Here's another one! Double chapter! See how I'm sucking up to you guys? Let me know what you want to see next. Like I said, I'm not going very AU, at least not yet. Which means there's a raft in Sawyer's immediate future, no? Trying to follow the timeline, even though Cammy's, erm, medical issues kind of took front burner and I ignored regular island goings-on that should happen right around now . . . but back on track, soon. I think you'll like it.

Chapter 22

I didn't really look forward to my island showers. They were ice cold, but at least the pressure was nice. I never even attempted to wash my hair, as cold water is useless for rinsing. I pretty much kept my head out of the spray altogether, as the cold water made my brain ache. Detailed washing (anything involving soap or shampoo) was done in the ocean. The saltwater didn't make my hair crusty, though. Somehow, conditioning and rinsing with saltwater left my hair even softer than freshwater did.

Anyway, after Sawyer walked with me to the caves, my shower was short. I rinsed the blood from my legs and pulled on fresh underwear with a pad, before leaving the closed-off shower area and coming back into the main plaza area, where a few people sat around a fire, eating a midday meal. They'd all looked up when Sawyer and I walked in together, but kept their gossip quiet. Now I sat with them, towelling my hair, and ate some boar. I wasn't very hungry, but some protein would probably do me good. Sawyer seemed a bit uncomfortable, this close to so many people who mostly kind of hated him, and we left in a bit of a hurry, trying not to be impolite.

"How do you feel?" He asked me as we left the cave-folk behind.

"Alright. A bit of cramping started a few minutes ago, but nothing too debilitating."

"So you'll make it back to the beach?"

"Yes, Sawyer, I can walk." Couldn't help but laugh, he was so over-worried. He walked close on my heels like a loyal golden retriever, and if I'd been in an irritable mood it would have bugged me. But something else was bugging me, nagging at my mind.

"Sawyer?" I loved how his name rolled out of my mouth. The combination of letters turned even my slight Northwestern accent into a delicious drawl, though nothing like his own.

"Yeah?"

"Earlier, you said . . ." My face grew hot quickly. "that you've been trying not to be attracted to me."

"Yeah, I did." Suddenly he had his defensive growly voice on, which intimidated me into pausing.

"Um, what did you mean . . . by that?"

"I woulda thought that was pretty obvious."

I thought about it. "I'm fifteen."

He laughed hollowly. "Yes. Yes, you are."

"That's why?"

"Yeah."

"But if I wasn't . . ."

"We'd see."

"Okay." We continued trudging through the jungle. "But you kissed me."

"I had to. Shouldn'ta done it. But I had to."

"Why?"

"I needed to show you how I felt."

"How you're not supposed to feel because I'm fifteen."

"Yeah. I mean, no. It's just, you're not any less desirable now, to me, because of what you told me."

"And that's the only reason you kissed me."

"If you're gonna analyze everything afterwards, it sort of ruins it."

"You make it sound like it wasn't a one-time thing."

"It was."

"Because I'm fifteen."

"Yeah."

"Fair enough. Sort of."

"Yeah."

The beach was awfully far away. Further than usual. This walk went on forever, and eventually my next question forced its way out.

"Where does she come into all of this?"

"She who?"

"Guess indefinite pronouns don't really work when I'm the only one who knows who I'm talking about . . . " I muttered. He waited. "Kate, I mean."

"Ah. Kate."

"Yes. Her."

"Don't sound so bitter, Thursday. Someone'd think you're plotting her murder."

"No. She's okay, I guess. I just wanted to know . . . how you feel about her."

"Maybe that's my business."

"Okay. You don't have to tell me."

He sighed, knowing full well that he really did have to tell me. "Kate's hot."

I laughed nervously. "Yeah. I guess she is."

"Kate's not a minor."

"You don't know that." I joked half-heartedly.

"D'you see what I'm gettin' at, here?"

"Not really."

"Kate's a very attractive adult woman. She's where my attention should be."

"Should be? But . . . is it?"

He sighed. "I've been doing everything I can to get in her pants, Cammy. It's a genuine effort, I'm not fakin' nothing."

"Oh." Little bit disillusioning. "Okay."

"She's safe. I'm supposed to want her." He said, sounding pained.

"Okay."

"And I do." Decisive. Firm. Trying to convince himself. "I do. It doesn't matter anyway, as she doesn't like me." I snorted; he looked at me and raised an eyebrow. "What is it?"

"You're blind."

"Not too blind to see how much attention she pays to Jack."

"Ah, that's Kate's problem. She does like Jack. And Jack . . . Jack likes her. But She also likes you. And Jack knows this. And Jack really doesn't like you. So he's having a hard time liking her. Jack has this whole pride thing going on, not like you."

"What do you mean, not like me?"

"You're willing to do anything to get into her pants. He could probably have her whenever he wants, but he's waiting for it to be on his terms. He won't fuck he while she's thinking about you. Which she is, a lot."

"Aren't you insightful."

"It's easy to see. Everyone one the island knows all about it. They just don't care, so they don't pay as much attention as me." I was being a bit more candid than I'd like to be.

"Because you do care."

"I shouldn't."

"No."

A few more steps in silence. "You're talkative. For the first few weeks on the island, I thought you were a man of few words, but once I get you going, you're a real chatterbox."

"I'm a chatterbox. Yeah, okay. Then what does that make you?"

"A chatter . . . crate?" I attempted. He laughed. "But I always knew I talked a lot. You're just full of surprises."

"Am I?"

"Yes. You're entirely unpredictable."

"And you're not?" he countered.

"I don't think so."

"Yes, you are."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I mean, turning out to be pregnant like that? That was a sharp left. I didn't even see it coming myself." I wasn't sure whether I was joking around.

"I didn't mean that . . ."

"And then the father ends up being my sister's husband, who raped me. Another unpredictable twist." Definitely not joking around. I didn't know where this was coming from. "But the wackiest thing I've done? Falling in love with a man twice my age who refuses to entertain the thought of – oh, look, the beach. Goodbye, Sawyer." And I stormed off. All the while thinking to myself, 'wow. What is wrong with me?'

I got to my tent and went inside and gripped my stuffed platypus tight, hating myself. Not only had I unreasonably gotten all bitchy for no reason, but I'd just told him I loved him. Wait, what? No, I didn't. I hadn't discussed that with myself recently, and the previous consensus had been that no, I didn't. So where did that come from? The worst bit was that I knew it was true, I just couldn't remember deciding on it. I hadn't. It'd just appeared at the tip of my tongue from God-knows-where and now it rested somewhere in my gray matter, unshakable. I'd thought so, before. Right around the time Sayid and Jack had tortured him. I'd been all full of angst and heartbreak and etcetera, etcetera. But that had passed, leaving a realistic surety that I was only attracted to him, that it was only hormones. And with the whole pregnancy thing, love had been the last thing on my mind. I guess that was the perfect opportunity for it to sneak in and get comfy. I mentally poked at it. It wasn't going anywhere. IT was real. I loved him.

Fuck.

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