Disclaimer- Gilmore Girls and the characters associated with the show are not mine.
Chapter Fifteen: Sunday Six AM- Jess
You're so small. Tiny. I can't believe how little you are, but your eyes. Your eyes see everything. The nurse said they didn't. She said you might pick up colors and shapes. Bullshit. You're looked right into my eyes and saw everything. I can't hide from you. And, Jessie, I guess I don't want to. You're going to be the best part of me. I can tell how smart you are already. And you're cute. And we're going to be a family. Jimmy, you, me. I'll finally have a family of my own.
The wind bit at Jess's ears as he pounded on Patty's door. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he wished he was back in bed, holding Rory in his arms. But he needed to do this, and he'd tried to wait as long as possible, but he couldn't stay home any longer. He'd snuck out without waking Rory, and walked the quiet streets.
"Show me. Take me there," Jess said when Patty opened the door. She grabbed her coat and gloves, along with the flowers she had purchased last night on the way home. She knew she'd be going today, and wasn't surprised to see Jess. It was right for her to guide him. Leading him to her car, she maneuvered into the driver's seat and drove to the edge of town. Parking outside the gates, she led Jess along the road to an older section of the cemetery, to a small plain headstone. Picking up the frozen and wilted mums from her last visit, Patty carefully placed the bright fall arrangement on the grave.
"How often do you-?" Jess asked, with a gesture to the flowers.
"Twice a month, sometimes more. It depends. I failed her and this little one paid the ultimate price. I come here to think. To inspire myself to make better decisions, to make a difference. To reaffirm my vow to keep an eye on the townspeople. To never let it happen again. Taylor comes too. Not as often, but a couple of times a year. He brings an apple. I don't know why, but I know it's him leaving them, because I've seen him." Jess tilted his head and nodded. Shoving his hands in his pockets again, he moved closer and stared down at the little grave. "I'll give you some space, I'll be at the car," Patty said.
Jess stood, staring at the engraving. Lucas. He thought about Willy, about the little girl. He didn't remember her name. He wasn't sure he'd ever heard it. He wondered if there were more. He tried to remember, did Liz get big without a baby? Did she put any up for adoption, or terminate pregnancies? He didn't think so, but apparently, she hadn't given a shit about protection, so it wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility. He sneered at the thoughts of her being too drunk or stoned to remember to use birth control. He cringed at the thought of the johns who wouldn't have used condoms anyway.
Huh. He'd been lucky. He'd never thought about his life with Liz in terms of luck before. He realized it now, and it changed something. Triggered a shift in his thoughts, as if everything slid one foot to the left. He was lucky Liz was old enough to carry him the whole nine months. And he was glad she didn't start her downward spiral until he was older. Lucky Liz wasn't so far gone, she was able to take care of him as a baby. Feed him, change him, and keep him warm. Lucky he'd been pulled out of her home a few times when she was at her worst. Damn lucky she'd shipped him off to Luke. Lucky he'd met Rory, and won her back. Kneeling in the frost covered grass, he ran his fingers across the engraved name –Lucas. Tracing each letter with his frozen fingers.
All these years, he hadn't allowed himself to remember the babies. He'd locked those memories up tight, but, he thought, more than anything, they were the source of his anger. A slow burn inside his heart, turning a section to ash. He never let himself think about them as his siblings. But they were. And he would have loved them all. The way he loved Willy as a newborn. The way he loved Garret and Doula now.
Doula. God, poor Doula. She'd grow up without a mother, and since Liz hadn't been able to hold it together, that was probably a good thing. He was glad T.J. left, taking Doula with him. Before Liz ruined her too. Lucas, Jess, Baby Girl, Willy, Doula. It was no wonder his body clenched at the possibility of having children. He wanted children with Rory, but he didn't think he could. Didn't think he'd be able to handle the fear. The fear would be constant. The wind ate at his cheeks, and he realized tears were freezing on his face.
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