APOV
"No! No! No!" I shout as I pull away from Christian. My body is on fire, I'm feeling so 'lorny' once again and I am angry at myself. How the hell could I do this? What the hell is wrong with me?
"What are you doing Christian? I have a boyfriend!" I shout.
"He doesn't deserve you!" Christian shouts back.
"And you do?!" I shout in return. "I know your type Grey. I'm not interested!"
"Oh? And what type is that?" He spits back at me.
"The spoiled kid who is used to getting his way." I exclaim as my breathing slowly returns to normal, my body calming down.
"So does that mean you're not the least bit...interested?" Christian asks.
"No, I'm not. I've been dragged down the road, or have been attempted to have been dragged down that road." I say as I think of Jake The Snake.
"Really? Well you haven't been down my road. You should try me, I can guarantee you that the road will be very...'bumpy' but it's also fucking amazing." He says those words and they ooze of nothing but sex and lust it sounds so...hot!
"Well, I give you this. You certainly don't lack for self-confidence." I say. "Why is that?"
"I know what I'm capable of. I know what I can do to that body of yours. You feel it, you need it, you want it." He purrs at me like a hungry tiger about to devour his prey.
"No thanks, in case you didn't notice there's a 'detour' sign in front of you so I suggest take heed."
And with those words I choose to walk away. Breaking my own personal vow, it's best this way. It's safer this way.
"You are such a firecracker Anastasia, so full of...pop!" Christian shouts as I continue to walk away, refusing to look back.
"I love Noah!" I shout back trying to reiterate what I know is true in my heart.
I get to my room and I slam the door. Holly is there on her laptop.
"How was your swim Ana? Ana? What's wrong?" She asks, her voice laced with concern.
"The swim was good and I'm fine Holly, I just...I miss Noah." I say as I flop myself on the bed.
I hear Holly sigh, "Yes, I could see why are you affected. Noah seems like a great guy. Don't worry, he'll be back before you know it." She says as she smiles at me.
"I know Holly, it's just when he's not here I feel so...lost."
"Whoa Ana, don't you start feeling too needy with Noah. It's one thing to miss your boyfriend, it's another thing entirely to be dependent on him or any other man. Be strong Ana!" Holly says as she smiles at me.
"Sure Holly, easy for you to say. The guys are always falling all over you." I smile back at her.
"Well, they can fall all they want. I don't mind the occasional date here and there but no man is going to make me all googly-eyed and love-sick!" She says as she laughs and returns to her lap top.
Yeah, easy for her to say. She doesn't have some grey eyed sex-imal kissing her and leaving her without any senses!
Shit!
This is not the way I expected this day to turn out. What to do? How do I deal with this? Can we still practice together? Do I think we should practice together? I don't want to think about it. My phone vibrates and I can only hope that it's my Noah.
It's a text...and it is from Noah!
*I'll call you in one hour make sure you answer your phone. I love and miss you Ana! :)
I close my eyes and all is right with the world. Noah, my boyfriend, my love is going to call me. I need to hear his voice, I need to know that we are ok, that we are strong, that we will always be together. I need some reassurance after the day that I've had.
CPOV
She loves Noah? My ass! How could she love Noah and kiss me the way she did? That's a load of bullshit! She knows it and so do I! Why the fuck did she feel the need to yell out, "I love Noah!"
I will tell you why, because she was trying to convince herself that she still loves him! That's fucking why!
I decide to go out and scull, get away from these thoughts and this feeling that is still coursing through my body. What the fucking hell is this shit? Desire, hunger, need...I'm like a fucking addict needing my fix of the Firecracker.
Fuck! I've got the perfect match stick right here and it would do wonders to light up and make my Firecracker explode in pure sexual elation!
Firecracker...what an apt name. I can't help but think of a former school mate of mine. The lovely Miss June. We got into trouble at school so many times. Ditching class, smoking, drinking and June mentioned that she had an illegal firework called a screaming kitchen maid. We set if off during a classroom assembly. We were so lucky we didn't get caught...some memories of school weren't so bad I suppose...
"Christian, mommy needs her medicine...that's a good boy. Christian loves his mommy don't you baby?"
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut the fuck up you fucking crack whore!" I shout as I'm out on the water.
Shit! I row to escape these thoughts, not to bring them with me, here where I find some semblance of peace. If only for a while...
APOV
My phone rings and I grab it quickly, "Noah?!" I exclaim as my heart races just knowing he's on the other end of the line.
"Ana? I don't have much time, the cell service here sucks! How are you baby? Noah asks and out of nowhere I become choked up. I can't speak. I try to hold in a sob.
"Ana, are you there? Answer me baby." He pleads.
"Noah," I say as my voice cracks, "Oh Noah...I miss you so much..." That's all it takes before I'm overcome with tears.
"Hey baby, I'm sorry I left so suddenly. Everything happened so fast. Should I come back. You don't sound good at all." He says as he speaks to me in that soothing tone that makes me feel safe and warm all over.
"Don't be silly Noah, I can't ask you to give up on your dreams. I'm just feeling lost without you but I'm fine. I'm sorry that I'm crying. The last thing I need is for you to be worrying about me when you should be focusing on your goals and dreams." I say as I try to calm down.
"Well, I guess I won't ask how you're doing." He says with concern in his voice.
"I'm fine Noah, stop worrying. Just focus out there make them notice you." I say trying to sound up beat.
"What was that Ana? You're breaking up." He says and I can just hear his voice, there appears to be some static.
"Noah, I do have some good news to share with you!"
"Really xxxx is it? I xxxx sure use some."
"Noah, I can't hear you. I hope you can hear me. Noah, I'm not afraid of the water anymore!"
"What xxx that? Ana? Ana?"
"Christian is helping me to face my fear of the water."
The phone goes dead.
My phone vibrates again and I grab it quickly and say, "Noah?"
There's silence so I'm thinking we have bad reception..."Noah can you hear me?"
"Ana." The voice says and I feel the heat shooting through my body.
Shit! Shit! Shit!
"Yes?" I say acting as if I have no idea who is on the other line.
"It's Christian." He says softly.
"What's up?" I say curtly.
"I just...uh...I just wanted to apologize for my behavior. I had no right to speak to you that way and I definitely had no right to kiss you. I know you have a boyfriend and I crossed a line. A line that I shouldn't have crossed. I hope you can forgive me and I hope that you and I can still practice together."
I'm stunned...Christian does not seem like the type of person who apologizes...ever! What do I do? I'm having such mixed emotions and it doesn't help that my boyfriend is so far away.
Mommy, daddy...I wish you were here. Growing up is such a difficult thing to do and it's much more difficult to do if you don't have your parents words of wisdom.
"Ana? Ana are you there?"
Shit! I spaced out!
"Yes Christian, I'm here. I'm just thinking. I really don't know what to do about this. I'm so confused."
"Listen Ana, why don't I take you out to dinner. It's still early and we can discuss this." He sounds sincere.
"Please Ana, I promise to behave." I can hear the pain in his voice and it calls out to me.
"Yes, yes of course. Dinner sounds great."
"Excellent! I'll pick you up in an hour?"
"Sure, sounds good. I'm staying at Grey's Hall. See ya in bit." I say and I'm feeling much better.
The last thing I want to do is go to bed angry. I don't want to be angry with Christian or anyone for that matter. I don't like to leave things unsettled. I need to have some sort of conclusion before this day is over. It's the only way I can pay tribute to my parents and my God parents. I have to know that their deaths were not in vain. I can't live knowing things are unsaid and unresolved.
Then why won't you tell Noah? Why won't you talk to Noah? Why? Because you are a coward, because he will never forgive you, because he will no longer love you.
I shake those unwanted thoughts out of my head and get ready for dinner.
I go downstairs and text Christian to let him know that I will be waiting for him out in front of Grey's Hall. As I'm texting him I feel someone approaching.
Holy sweet jingle bells!
I see a tall rockin' body decked out in a black leather jacket and the most perfect fitting snug you in all the right places faded blue jeans. His leather jacket is open and I can see he's wearing a very snug white t-shirt that shows the definition in his chest. Who the hell is this? My eyes finally work their way up to the leather God in black and Lord help me...It's Christian!
"Hey Firecracker!" Christian says in a very playful way that I've not heard from him...ever.
CPOV
"Uh, hi Christian." Ana says dubiously.
That's right baby! Take me all in! I know you like what you see! I love that her eyes are all over me. Scanning me up and down.
"I hope you're hungry." I say as I lead her to my ride. I'm making an effort to keep things light and simple between us. I do not like the way we left things earlier.
"Starving!" She says as she smiles at me.
"Good, I'm taking you some where off campus." I say as she stills, looking dumbfounded.
"Uh, where's your car?"
"Oh, sorry. I guess I should have told you. No car, just this." I say as I point to my motorcycle.
"Whoa! This is awesome!" Ana squeals with excitement. "I love motorcycles! I must say I'm sort of scared of them at the same time."
"Don't worry Ana, you're safe with me." I say as I hand her a helmet.
She's not safe with you Grey and you know it you sick fuck!
"I love the color of my helmet. Uh I mean the extra helmet, it's such a pretty shade of blue." She says as she places it on her head.
I try to hide my smirk.
She doesn't need to know that I purchased this helmet just for her, with her color eyes in my mind. I would never let anyone ride with me. Not even Mia, no matter how much she whined. I know my parents weren't happy about my ride but once I have my mind set on something, I don't stop until I get it, what ever it is!
I hop on my bike and Ana climbs on slowly and carefully not knowing what to do with her hands. She places them on my shoulders and I say, "Ana, you're going to have to wrap your arms around my waist or else you will fall off, we can't have that now can we?"
"Uh, oh. Ok." She says as she scoots forward leaving no space in between us. My back to her front.
I can feel the warmth of her body, the softness of her full breasts rubbing against my back. Her hands, her soft hands, they're gripped tight around my waist and it's the best feeling ever. I've not tolerated physical touch before but with Ana, it's different. I'm not tolerating her touch, I'm needing it, I'm craving it, I must have it.
She feels so fucking good, oh God I don't think I can focus. This might not be a good idea after all. Oh Jesus! Not you 'Big Guy!' Not now! I took care of you before we got here! What the hell is the matter with me? I can't control my cock! I feel like a damn horny thirteen year old!
"Shit!" Dammit! I said that out loud!
"Christian, are you ok? Why aren't we leaving?" Ana asks breaking me out of my thoughts.
"Just making sure everything is in place." I say as I start my bike. I hope I can do this without leading with my cock! "Hang on tight!" I shout as we zoom away.
"Wow! Oh my gosh! Faster Christian! Go Faster!" Ana shouts as I give it the gas.
Well, little Miss Firecracker likes it fast eh? I'll show her fast, in more ways than one!
We arrive at our destination and I can see the place is busy, it's always busy here.
"Christian! It's Mr. Bartley's! I seen this place on the food network! Noah and I have been meaning to come here. We tried once, but it's always busy."
I hop off my bike and I take her hand to help her off and as soon as I do, I feel that fucking jolt again.
I hear Ana try to suppress a gasp and I know she feel it as well. She quickly withdraws her hand and says, "I'm fine Christian, I can get down on my own."
I'm hurt that she's breaking our contact and she must sense it because she quickly says, "I know I'm short but I'm not that short." She giggles.
Christ, even her giggle makes me feel warm all over. Oh God, I'm helpless and I hate and love it!
APOV
Why do I get that 'feeling' when I'm with Christian? I don't understand. After our meal I need to set things straight with us, but for now I'd like to figure out how and when we're going to eat. This place is jumping and I'm hungry.
"Ana, I'm going to make a quick call." Christian says as he takes a few steps away from me.
I look up at the Leather God and nod. I make a mental note to purchase a leather jacket for Noah. He would look so sexy in one of these.
"Ok sweetheart, we're good." Christian says as we walk to the front of the line and we are greeted by a very pretty girl.
"Christian! It's great to see you! Come on in!"
"Ana, I'd like you to meet Andrea. Andrea, this is my...friend, Ana."
"Ana, it's so nice to meet you. Come on in, I got you a nice spot in a secluded area." Andrea says as she leads us to our table.
After we order our burgers and drinks there is nothing but uncomfortable silence. I need to say something, the tension is killing me.
I take a deep breath and go for it, "Christian, I need to say something."
"Of course, what is it Firecracker?" Christian asks as he leans forward putting his elbows on the table, with his hands together. I have his full attention and I feel those grey eyes piercing me, right through my soul.
I want to look away, I want to look down but his eyes, they draw me in. Whatever I wanted to say is gone. I look deeper and deeper into his eyes and there it is...the pain, buried deep inside of him.
"Christian, what is it?" I ask softly.
Christian's look changes and I can feel him tense up. He leans back and crosses his arms.
"What is what? What do you want from me Ana?"
I'm about to speak when the server arrives with our burgers.
"Never mind, I'm really hungry. Let's just eat." I say as I grab a french fry.
"Sounds good." Christian says as he takes a bite of his burger.
I finish my burger and fries and I even have room for a chocolate shake. I catch Christian every now and then looking at me with a huge smile on his face. I can't help but get the feeling that he's enjoying watching me 'pig out.' I can't help it, I'm hungry! I'm not a salad and water type girl. I want food!
"It looks like you enjoyed your burger my little Firecracker."
"I did, it was delicious. Thanks again, I'm stuffed."
"Me too, let's go walk it off, shall we?" Christian asks.
"Sure, sounds good."
CPOV
I'm a nervous wreck, what the hell. I'm the one that makes the girls and women nervous, I'm the one who is in control, not the case with this little one. Who would have thought someone so tiny could wield such power over me and not have the slightest clue?
I did notice when I introduced Ana to Andrea, that Ana's brow was furrowed. I think her eye color changed momentarily from blue to green. Yes, I liked that! It appeared as if the Firecracker got a small sample of the bitterness that I've been tasting since we've met, knowing she's with The Golden Boy. Yes, it sucks doesn't it Ana?
If I would have known that it would make Ana jealous I would have hugged and kissed Andrea. Maybe next time. I like seeing Ana jealous!
"Why the smile Christian? What are you thinking?" She asks breaking me out of my reverie.
"I enjoy when the tables are turned." I say without thinking. Shit! She is so disarming! I really need to watch myself!
"Oh? How are the tables turned?" She asks.
"Never mind."
I hear Ana take a breath and sigh. "Why won't you talk to me?"
"I am Ana." I say frustratingly.
"Why won't you tell me about your pain."
"What pain?" Now I'm getting pissed.
"You can't hide it from me, I can see it. I know you have it." Touché Firecracker.
I shoot back with, "Why won't you tell me about your fear of the water?"
Ana stops walking and I realize we're near a park. She walks towards a picnic table and she takes a seat.
I sit across from her, she's contemplating...Come on Firecracker. You can do this.
"I'll share if you share, deal?" She looks at me with hope in her eyes.
Now I'm silent. Do I tell her? Can I tell her? Perhaps this is a way for us to become close.
"What do you say Christian? Listen, if I do share, you have to promise not to tell anyone. Especially Noah!" She sounds desperate.
Yes, this is good. She'll share something with me that only I will be privy to and the thought that I have a small piece of Ana that no one has, not even Shepherd makes me happy.
Fuck!
Who would have thought?! I'm a fool...a fool in...Don't say it! No you are not!
"Deal, you first." I say quickly before I change my mind.
I lean forward, put my hands together and wait for the bombshell that she's about to drop on me.
Ana takes another deep breath and then she does it. I see the resolve in her face. She's going to do it! Yes my little Firecracker, open up to me and only to me!
"Christian, Noah and I lost our parents." She says this and I suddenly remember that I have to act as though this is news to me. Fuck! I don't want to start out our relationship with a lie.
What relationship idiot? You have nothing with her!
I take a deep breath and say the words quickly before I try to hold back, "I know Ana."
"What? How do you know?" She asks completely taken aback by my admission.
Don't start with lies, don't start with lies.
"I had to know about you Ana, I'm...I'm attracted to you in case you didn't know. I wanted to know all about you."
There, I said it. I put it all out there. Something I've never done before, of course I've never felt this way before either.
"Christian, I...I love Noah." She says softly as the tears well up in her eyes.
As much as what she's telling me is slowly and painfully ripping me apart, I need to know her pain. I want to help her. I put aside my pride because I feel an obligation to help rid her of her pain. I hate to see her like this.
I want to heal her, I want her happy, I want her pain gone forever.
Those words reverberate through me and I go back in time...
I'm six years old, I'm screaming. Grace rushes in and calms me down. I pretend to go back to sleep but I am wide awake. I don't like to see Grace upset. She saved my life. I can hear her crying. She's crying and Carrick is holding her.
"I hate this Carrick. I hate that our baby boy is in so much pain!"
Grace says as Carrick squeezes her tight.
"I know Grace, I know. It hurts to see the ones we love in pain, we'll get through this my love."
"I just love him so much! I want to heal him, I want him happy, I want his pain gone forever.
"Holy fuck!" I shout
"Christian, are you ok?"
"Oh God, I'm sorry Ana." I don't, it's not possible, I can't...can I? Do I...love her? "I didn't mean to interrupt you, go ahead sweetheart."
APOV
Oh God, please help me. I'm going to say it. Finally. Come on Steele, you can do this. Just let it out...
"Well, you may know that Noah's parents and my parents are dead, but you don't know this..."
Christian looks at me and I have his full attention, I can do this. I can do this...
"I'm responsible for their deaths. They're dead because of me Christian!"
There, I said it and after the words leave my mouth I lose it. I cry, I finally let go of the tears, the tears that I didn't cry the night they told us that our parents were dead. I let it all go and I cannot stop.
It feels so good to finally release the pain and guilt that I've been carrying these past few years.
"Ssssshhhhh. Hey, it's ok sweetheart." Christian says. "I'm here. I'm here." I realize that I'm now sitting on his lap and my face is buried in his chest. I'm not sure when or how it happened and for now, I don't care. I just want to let go. It so cathartic and feel a huge weight being lifted off of me.
A/N
The 'xxxx' are meant be static.
Yes Andrea, that's you. Somehow you always manage to be Christian's good friend. One day I may have to make you be a 'special' friend with 'benefits!' Hell, you probably already are since you're his 'good friend' ya know!
'Sex-imal' Definition - A combination of a "sexy" and "animal" rolled up into one sexy beast. Yeah baby!
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Rosie :D