CPOV
"It's ok sweetheart, I'm here. It's ok." I say as I cup her chin to look into my eyes. Fucking hell, she's even beautiful when she cries. Those soft full lips. How I'd like to...
Jesus Grey! Get a grip you sick fuck! The girl is opening up to you and all you can think about is fucking her mouth! You're worthless and you don't deserve this delicate beauty before you!
I shake those thoughts from my twisted mind and reassure my Firecracker. "It's ok Ana, say it. You'll feel better if you do. You've been holding this in for too long a time. I see the pain in your eyes as well sweetheart."
Ana takes a deep breath and the words spill out.
"Christian, my parents were going out with Noah's parents on the night that they died. It was a business celebration. I got in an argument with my mom and my dad that night. Words were exchanged and in the heat of the moment I said that I would never forgive them and that they were being unfair. It was awful! I knew I was being unreasonable but I didn't care. Noah and I were studying at his house when I got a phone call from my mom. She said she didn't like the way things ended with us and she didn't want me to use my God parent's car service to go home. She didn't want me to go to sleep angry or upset. She said that she and my dad weren't having a very good time because we argued. We had never argued before. They wanted to come home early and talk things out."
Ana takes a deep breath and begins to sob again.
"Shhh...It's ok sweetheart, you can do this. Just take a few deep breaths." I say as I rub soothing circles on her back.
"Well, I could hear my mom telling my God parents that they were going home so my God parents decided to go home with them. They all went together! All four of them!"
She continues to cry and she's heaving, her I can hear her fighting to breathe.
"It's ok, keep going. I'm here."
"Don't you see?! They all came home together! They left because of me! All them died because my parents and I got in an argument and they wanted to talk things out! If I hadn't acted like such a spoiled brat this wouldn't have happened!"
She cries harder and harder and buries herself in my chest. I don't feel the pain, she's breaching my no-go zone and I don't see red. Perhaps I'm pushing the revulsion down because Anastasia needs me? Who knows? Now is not the time to question that shit. I need to help her.
I wonder what they argued about? Not that it matters but shit. How fucked up is this? How can she feel guilty about this? It's not her fault!
"You know what the worst part is Christian? The worst mother fucking part of this is?" She asks as she laughs and cries at the same time.
Holy fuck, am I falling for a nut case? Should I call my shrink?
Shit! What do I do?
Well, she asked a question..."Uh, what's the worst part of this Ana?" Why did I ask? I'm such an idiot!
Ana jumps off of me and backs away, she looks at me with crazy eyes. Holy fuck is she going 'postal' on me? What the fuck?
"The worst part is...I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT THE FUCK WE ARGUED ABOUT CHRISTIAN! How fucked up is that?! They are dead and I don't remember why we even argued in the first place!" She screams out loud and then falls to grass.
I've heard screams like this before. They are the screams of my nightmares, it's more like a howling screeching sound. I'm overcome with feelings and emotions that terrorize me. I'm dying seeing Anastasia like this. It's not her fault!
I want to heal her, I want her happy, I want her pain gone forever.
I want to help her, I want to take away her pain.
There are those words again, those words that Grace said to Carrick. Those words that now run through my mind as I see Anastasia Rose Steele attempting to face her demons. Anastasia Rose, my fragile little flower. I would give anything at this moment to have my Firecracker return.
What I see before me is ripping me apart. I feel as though I now have somewhat of an understanding of what Grace and Carrick suffered as they heard and watched me suffer through my night terrors. My parents who love me and through no fault of their own other than being loving people, opened their hearts and home to me and I brought darkness into their lives.
How can I do that to my fragile flower? How can I even think of making her mine when she has darkness of her own that she needs to deal with.
Fuck!
Holy shit Grey! Can it be? Are you actually growing a conscience?
I take a deep breath and lift Ana off of the grass. I carry her in my arms and return to the picnic table and sit. I let her cry, crying is good. She needs to let this all out. I don't counsel her, I only say, "Shhhhh, it's ok sweetheart. Just let it all out. You need to let this all out. You've been holding it in for much too long. It's ok."
APOV
I'm physically and emotionally drained. I don't know how long I've been sitting in Christian's lap but I've finally stopped crying. All the tears that I've with held for so long. They finally came pouring out.
I cannot believe that I finally said what I've been feeling for so long, I finally said the words out loud. My parents and my God parents are dead because of me. Although it hurts to say it, it does feel good to admit it out loud and to finally say it to someone.
Then the realization hits me. I take in my surroundings and jump off of Christian's lap.
"Christian, you won't...you won't say anything about this to anyone will you? I mean...you did promise me..."
Before I can finish my sentence Christian stands up walks up to me, I look up at him and he looks down at me with those eyes, those beautiful grey eyes that have so much pain them.
"I made a promise Ana, I won't tell anyone. You have my word sweetheart." Christian extends his hand as says, "Come, sit. Let's talk a bit more before I take you back to your room."
I give Christian my hand and he tugs on it as I'm still in some sort of daze. The jolt I feel as he touches me runs through my body. He leads me to the table and helps me to sit. I expected him to sit next to me but he sits across from me instead.
I say nothing, I just look at him and I can tell that he wants to say something. He probably thinks I'm an awful person as well. Fighting with my parents and then causing not only their deaths but the deaths of my God parents as well.
I can't take the silence, "Just say it Christian! Say what a horrible person I am. Say it and get it over with already!" I shout.
"Ana, sweetheart. Stop that! Nothing could be further from the truth! Look, you've just unloaded what I presume to be the biggest burden that you've ever carried. How can you think that I could or would ever blame you for your parents death? That anyone would blame you for your parents death?"
"Because it's my fault that's why!" I shout.
"Listen sweetheart, it's been quite an emotional day for you and I really don't think you're up to continuing this conversation right here, right now. How about I take you home and we can talk about this tomorrow? Hmmm?"
"Christian, you haven't shared your pain with me. It's not fair. You should have someone to share with as well."
"Don't worry about me, I've had plenty of shrinks to talk to about all of my shit for as long as I can remember." He says with a heavy sigh.
"Well, but...speaking to a shrink isn't the same as sharing your hurt with a friend Christian."
CPOV
Boom!
She looks at me with baby blues and says those words with the utmost of sincerity. She slowly and carefully and fucking methodically manages to chip away at my brick wall. Something my parent's have tried doing for years, something Lelliot and Mia have tried as well. Mia has come close but no one has disarmed me like Anastasia and again, she does so without even knowing how much this means to me. If my family knew how the Firecracker was able to breach my wall, they would throw her a fucking party.
"Listen, I'll share my shit with you tomorrow. What do you say? We can practice swimming and then I can take you out to dinner and then we can talk. Is it a deal?"
Ana looks at me with that furrowed brow, the 'V' taking shape on her forehead.
"You know when you're contemplating or deep in thought, you have a little 'V' shape, right here." I say as I trace it with my index finger.
I feel it again, as I touch her and Anastasia slowly backs away.
"I don't know Christian. You kissed me today and..."
Shit! I'm losing her. What do I do? What do I say?
"I promise I won't do anything. Please, you're right. It's not fair that you got to unburden yourself. What about me?" I say as I pout.
Ana finally gives me a small smile. "Don't pout Christian."
"Why? Is it working?" I make an exaggerated pout and the Firecracker returns!
"You're silly and pouting doesn't suit you." She giggles. "Ok, fine. I'll see you tomorrow. We should get going, it's late."
And with those words I take the Firecracker back to Grey's Hall.
***The Following Day****
CPOV
I feel like I'm having a déjà vu of some sort. Here we go again, only it's twenty-four hours later. I think back to last night and all the stupid shit I said.
I don't know what the fuck I was thinking?! I gave the Firecracker my word that I wouldn't do anything. What possessed my to give her my word? I may be the son of a crack whore but my word does mean something to me.
Shit!
Maybe it's best this way, as much as I want her, need her and fucking crave her touch, it's best that she stay with Shepherd. He is after all, the mother fucking 'Golden Boy!' The name suits him well! Ana deserves gold in her life, he's Mr. Sunshine and I'm fifty shades of fucked up!
Why would I want to subject her to my grey skies when The Golden boy can make her happy?
Holy shit Grey, you almost sound human. Are those feelings that you have? Could it be that she really is reaching you? I didn't think it possible, not for a sick fuck like you!
I shake my head and wait patiently for my Firecracker.
Here she comes looking sexy as fuck without a clue. I can see the fuckers checking her out as she walks past them.
Assholes! Put your fucking eyes back in their sockets! Christ almighty!
Her walk is much lighter, she has a slight spring in her step. Perhaps I had something to do with that? The fact that she finally purged what she kept buried deep down inside of her soul has been lifted...because of me!
Oh yes Dr. Grey, you are the reason for her feeling light and carefree. Get the fuck over yourself!
"Hi Ana!" I say again a little too enthusiastically.
Oh Christ! Someone help me!
The Firecracker has single-handedly turned me into the male version of my sister Mia! For fuck's sake, shoot me now and put me out of misery!
Ana giggles and says, "Uh, hi Christian. You sound funny."
"Funny? Funny how?" I ask knowing full well that it's my fucking Mia mode.
"Oh, I don't know. Over the top I guess? It's funny. Not all like I pictured you. The girls in the locker room said that..."
Oh hell, she did pick up on my 'Mia mode and what the hell did the girls say about me dammit?!
"Said what? What did they say? Ana, they don't know me. No one does." I say desperately not wanting her to believe their shit! I never cared what anyone thought about me...until now that is.
"It doesn't matter Christian, I base my opinions solely on my own interactions with a person, not based on the 'he said-she said' type stuff. I'm way past that type of high school type of baloney."
"Ok, let's get in the water. Are you ready?"
"I am Christian! I'm actually looking forward to it now!" She says with her patented signature smile that takes my breath away.
"Well," I say as I pull off my shirt, "Let's dive in!"
After I jump in I see Ana pull down her shorts and peel off her tank top. Holy hard ons Batman! She's wearing the pink triangles. No! No! No!
Someone remove this picture from my brain. The Firecracker rocking those pretty pink triangles, I'm fucking helpless! Those damn triangles, they are my kryptonite and I'm defenseless!
Whoa, wait a minute...did I just say...? 'Holy hard ons?' and 'Kryptonite?'
Am I Robin or Superman for fuck's sake?
Get your super heroes sorted out you dumb shit!
What the fuck?! Is she testing me by wearing those pretty pink triangles?
Why?! Why?! Why?!
Thank fuck that the water is cold. 'The Big Guy' has hidden away, frightened off by the water temperature. Don't look at her breasts, don't look at teeny tiny triangle that is covering her world, a world that I long to explore. I can't take this, I go under to try to control myself.
I hear a splash and rise to the surface. Ana is in front of me, she has a small smile but I can tell she's nervous.
"It's ok Ana, you're fine." I say quietly.
APOV
I'm so happy the water is cold, as soon as Christian peeled off his tank my body went into extreme over drive. I can see the outline of his 'package' and it leaves little to the imagination. Christian is definitely 'blessed' in size. I may have only seen Noah's package in person, but thanks to the unis that the rowers have to wear, I've seen many an outline! He is an Adonis amongst men. Of all the rowers physique's that I have seen, none can compare to the one in water before me.
I feel so exposed in my pink bikini, I had no choice but to wear it. Christian has no clue that I came in my swim suit last night. I was laying in my bed and I hadn't taken off my swim suit. I was feeling 'lorny' again so my fingers started exploring. It's something I've never done before. I closed my eyes and touched myself. It felt so good, I did things to myself that made me moan.
I pictured Noah above me and rubbed my clit as my fingers went in and out of my kitty kat, I could feel my wetness. Just as I was about to explode, Noah's sea green eyes turned grey. I saw Christian before me and that was it, I came loud and hard. It was like fireworks going off inside of me and it was one of the best orgasms I've ever had!
This is just too hot for me! I still feel so guilty! I need to cool off so I decide to go under water.
"Ana!" I hear Christian shout. "Ana no!"
Shoot! Christian thinks I'm having a panic attack! I can't tell him what I'm really thinking!
Christian reaches for me and pulls up, my back to his front. He's holding me tight and it feels so good!
"It's ok sweetheart, you're ok." He coos softly not knowing that I needed to cool off certain parts of my body that were running hot...for him no less!
No! Why am I feeling this way! I love Noah, yet my body is alive with electricity.
I'm tingling all over, thinking about his package. Suddenly I feel it, it's rubbing against me. His throbbing member is right in between the crack of my butt cheeks. It feels so good.
I'm trying so hard to fight this feeling of sexual lust but I can't stop it! The power of his dick is overwhelming. I've become...'dicmatized' and I can't do a damn thing about it.
"Dick!"
Holy crap! I said that out loud.
"Ana? Are you ok?"
I quickly break away from the man who has me dicmatized and I shout, "Let's swim! I'll race you!"
And with those words, I break from the pulling sensation of his dick. Christian beats me back to the dock and we are breathless. It seems as though I gave him a run for his money.
Yup, I'm a strong swimmer alright. Much more so because I was trying to escape the pull of his delightful dick!
"Wow Firecracker, I must say I'm quite impressed." Christian says as he smirks at me. Why is he trying to hide his beautiful smile?
"Thanks Christian! I think I'm doing pretty good. What do you think?" I say as I jump on the dock.
"Ana, you may have this panic attack thing licked."
He frowns after he says those words. Why is that?
CPOV
Why in the hell did I have to say 'licked?' Now all I can think of is her sweet mouth and her luscious tongue wrapped around my cock like a fucking cobra! Shit!
"Christian, what's wrong. Why are you frowning?" She asks so innocently, unaware of my fucked up thoughts.
"Are you hungry? Let's change and go out to dinner early today, what do you say?"
"I would like that very much." She says as my eyes rake up and down her body, focusing on her tiny pink triangles.
She senses me eye-fucking her. She grabs her towel and quickly wraps it tightly around her beautiful body.
"Ok," I say trying not to sound too dejected that she covered up. "I'll pick you up in say, an hour?" I hope she's not like Mia, taking two hours to get ready doing who the hell knows what?!
"Make it half an hour, deal?" She smiles and she grabs her things.
Oh I like her, she doesn't waste time getting ready. Of course, she doesn't have to, she's a natural beauty.
"Deal! Laters baby!" I say as we go our separate ways.
***Two Hours Laters Baby***
Ana and I sit across from one another at the same picnic table that we sat on yesterday. Ana is silent. I suppose she's waiting...waiting for me to unload my shit on her. I don't want to open up to her. I don't want to open up to anyone. I'm...I'm scared. Ana will hate me, I know she will. It's bad enough that I hate myself. I'm full of self loathing.
I swear if the crack whore's pimp didn't burn me, I think I would have been a self mutilator. Thank fuck I'm not. Carrick and Grace had enough of my dark shit to deal with, the last thing they needed to worry about was razors and box cutters and shit like that!
"Christian?" The Firecrackers softly and cautiously.
"Yes Firecracker?"
"I'm waiting, it's your turn ya know?"
"I know Anastasia, I'm just a little nervous about this. I've...I've never done this before."
"Never done what? Shared your pain?" She asks as she raises her eyebrows in shock.
"Yes, I mean, my family knows but we never discussed it. It's not that they didn't try, it's just that I just couldn't." I say just above a whisper.
APOV
"Christian, we had a deal remember? I don't want to force you but I really think you should talk about it. You might feel better. I know I do, I still feel as though what happened to my parents and God parents is my fault but, at least I finally said it out loud. It's ok, don't be afraid."
Christian stands up and takes a deep breath. Oh shit, this is it. I better brace myself. Who knows what he's going to say.
"Ana, I'm adopted. Grace rescued me from a horrible life. My birth mother was a crack whore and her pimp abused me."
Holy shit. It's a good thing that I braced myself. I try really hard to keep an impassive look about me. I don't want him to stop speaking but I can't help but feel sorry for the little boy who was Christian Grey.
"I'm so sorry Christian." I say without thinking. "Go on..."
Christian proceeds to tell about his childhood, what he can remember anyway. It was endless nights of men coming to see his mother for job skills. Christian told me about how he was supposed to hide in a closet when his mommy had a 'visitor.'
The pimp would take the crack whore in between visits and Christian walked in on them. The pimp chased Christian around the apartment and beat him. He beat him with a belt, he kicked him with his boots, he beat him with whatever object was near by and within his reach.
I feel sick, this cannot be true. Who could do that to a small child? Who could be so evil?
"Ana, are you still with me?" Christian asks.
I'm so proud of myself. This horror story that is the life of a young Christian Grey has ripped out my soul and yet here I sit, not shedding one single tear. Perhaps I'm in shock, just like I was the night I was told that my parents were dead. It's a good thing, it's good that I'm not crying. I need to be strong for Christian, he needs me.
"I'm still with you." I say quietly.
Christian takes a deep breath and he drops down to knees. He's kneeling right in front of me. What's he doing?
He looks up into my eyes and I see it. It's no longer hiding in the depths of his soul. The pain is here, right in front of me and I fear what he will say. What can it be? Was he molested? Did the pimp also pimp out Christian? Oh dear God, I feel sick.
Too many ugly things are running through my mind. Please Christian, please say something!
He lays his head down on my knees and I instinctively run my fingers through his soft silky hair. I caress his cheek and say, "It's ok, I won't say a thing Christian. Your secrets are safe with me."
Christian looks up at me once more and something in his eyes has changed, I think he trusts me. There was some sort of wall or barrier that he built around himself. That wall is gone, well...temporarily anyway. Oh please say something Christian, please. I feel like I'm going to throw up!
"Ana, I...I killed my birth mother."