Disclaimer- Gilmore Girls and the characters associated with the show are not mine.

Chapter Eighteen - Mon. AM Luke

God, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Poor Jenny. I hate myself. Nothing new there, but now, I REALLY hate myself. And I didn't know what to do! Thank God for Mark. I love him soooo much. He's hot, and his friends are great too. He knows everybody. And he knew what to do. He took us to the cemetery and helped me bury Jenny. My Jenny is buried in the same grave as a woman named Alice Jones. We moved the tarp protecting the freshly dug grave, shoveled down a couple of feet, laid Jenny to rest, and put everything back. If anyone asks, I'm to say I gave her up. I doubt anyone will ask since she was only two weeks old. Mark said sometimes babies die for no reason. Sods or Sids or something. I think she got too cold. I gave a couple of Mark's buddies blow jobs for the money to get the heat turned back on. At least Jessie will be warm now. Don't know what I'd do without my little man.

Lorelai was pacing, she and Luke were trapped in Colorado, and her family needed them. But they had to stay for the funeral. And now Detective Blake was coming over for who knows what.

"Lorelai, come here," Luke said, catching her hand on her path from the door to the window. Pulling her on to his lap, he wrapped his arms around her and held tight. "I can't handle your pacing."

"I feel like we should be there, for them. But we're here, and we should be here too. I know we went over this all last night after Rory called. Do you think she told us everything? She wouldn't be holding back something worse, would she?" Lorelai asked.

"Could there be anything worse?" the hand running circles on Lorelai's hip stopped, as Luke froze, thinking. "It's Liz, of course there could be. I'm calling Jess," Luke replied, gruff and nervous as he set Lorelai on the bed and began pacing while he dialed.

"Yeah," Jess answered, putting the book he was reading away. He'd known Luke would be calling him. Rory was at Truncheon 2, trying to play catch up.

"Jess," Luke said on a drawn out sigh. He was relieved to hear Jess's voice.

"Yeah, I'm here," Jess said, and Luke relaxed, knowing Jess wasn't going to disappear again, physically, or mentally.

"Good, good. I just needed to know you were there, and if," he trailed off.

"If what Luke? I'm here. Here for Rory and Garret, and you know, you if you need-"

"That's good, Jess. And thanks, it's good to hear. We're okay here. Bart, her latest boyfriend, turned out to be nice. A good man. And the funeral is Thursday, there's people coming from all over, I guess. I'm still trying to talk T.J. into coming, but he thinks it will be better for Doula not to. He said he'd bring her later if she asks questions. She seems to have accepted her mother being out of her life. I guess she's young enough, and T.J.'s family is keeping her busy. I'm calling because Lorelai's worried there's more. Or worse, than what Rory told us last night," Luke said. Jess was quiet. He knew Rory had only told them what the town knew. Apparently Lorelai's psychic link to her daughter had actually kicked in. Jokes aside, he'd known it was only a matter of time. Running his hand through his hair, he thought about how to answer. "By your silence, I'm guessing she's right. What's going on, Jess?"

"It's more to do with me. Rory wants a baby. I can't. Not yet. Maybe not ever. I think maybe I should just let you read what I've found out, and what I wrote. I'm not -up to rehashing it again. It was hard enough to get it on paper once. I'll email you the document. Then your questions will be answered. And, the worst is, Garret read it too. I was sinking, going under, and he read it out loud to Rory. Knowing he read it is what brought me back, Luke. We talked about it afterwards. About him and what happened when he was little. He's good. Read the doc. It'll answer your questions," Jess said.

"Garret's good? You're sure?"

"Yeah, he's a rock. He's at school today, was excited to go, if you can believe it," Jess replied.

"Doesn't surprise me, he's like Rory with school, or at least, not like you. Maybe like a normal person, I guess. But you and Rory?" Luke asked, watching Lorelai's face, hoping she couldn't hear Jess's voice.

"Good. Except the one thing, which may be too big to get past. For either of us. I don't know how to handle it, what to do. But what happened before, I won't let it happen again. It snuck up on me, but I'm aware now. I won't sink. I've got to go, Luke. I need to get to the diner," Jess said, wanting off the phone. After hanging up, Luke sat next to Lorelai, pulling her in closer, while they waited for the Detective to knock on the door.

"What did he say?" she asked, her breath warm on his neck.

"He's sending me what he wrote. Says it will explain. I don't know Lorelai. I'm like you, I want my family around me. Let's see what the Detective says, read what Jess wrote, and then maybe go home. I want to be here for Liz, but I want to be in Stars Hollow for our kids more." The pinging of Lorelai's I-pad interrupted their conversation, and they sat together reading the email Jess sent. They read about cold bananas, Kirk being tied to a tree, they read Jess's memories, and Liz's story. Neither noticed the tears streaming down Lorelai's cheeks.

Leaning his head back against the chair, Luke took in slow even breaths. Counting with each inhale and exhale. Trying to make his breaths match, while his thoughts…

His thoughts raced- how could he not know? Been so stupid to miss so much? Why hadn't he noticed, something anything. Neighbors, Liz as a kid- what had he been doing to not know? What about his life had been so important he hadn't seen what Liz was going through? Withdrawing, pregnant, alcohol, drugs, stealing. Liz as an adult- so messed up, so incredibly messed up. Babies, no heat, prostituting herself, alcohol, drugs, babies…

-then slowed- And Jess, poor Jess. It never ends, the new information, his pain, his life before. Where was I while all this was going on? Worried Rachel might not return? Dating Anna? Turning the hardware store into a diner? Nothing should have been more important than Liz and Jess.

-and diminished entirely- I failed. And my failure means he and Rory might not have kids. Might not make it.

-leaving only the counting. In- one two three, out- one two three, in-

Lorelai was back to pacing, tears still streaming down her cheeks. Dialing. Not noticing as Luke shut down. His fists clenched in front of his closed eyes.

"Rory? God, how could you not tell me? Everything! We read everything! Jess sent it to us, what he's written while we've been gone. I think we should come home. I think there's more. Please God, Rory, tell me there isn't more," Lorelai said, into the phone, verging on hysteria.

"I'm glad you know. I didn't want to hide it from you, but I thought I should ease you into it, and it hurts. It hurts to talk about because of what it means for me. And it shouldn't be about me, but it is, mom, it is, and I'm not sure I can handle it. That's the more. And if you come home, I'm just going to make it all about me while I cry on your shoulder, and it shouldn't be. Not yet. Right now it needs to be about Jess and Luke, and even Garret. I don't know why Jess gave Luke the pages, what he might have told him, he must have said something, had a reason. But I need to be strong for them right now, and I can't do that if I'm crying to you. And you need to be strong for Luke," Rory said, as she hid in the closet at Truncheon. She didn't want their staff to hear. The town was already buzzing, they didn't need to add more fuel to the fire.

"So what you're saying is I need to let this drop with you, and that Luke may already know, because why else would Jess have let us read everything? And we can't come home yet? We have to stay for the funeral. For Liz."

"Yes. Liz should have family there. Luke will need to be there, and you need to be there for Luke."

"And if he wants to come home too?" Lorelai asked, watching her husband breath in and out, almost meditating. Letting his clenched fists relax and fall down to his sides.

"I think he'd regret it," Rory replied. "I love you mom. Be strong for Luke. And us."

"Love you too, and keep them safe," Lorelai said, hanging up at the knock on the door. Moving to answer it, she let Detective Blake into the room. Watching as he fiddled with several notebooks. Luke stood up, and shook his hand. Feeling numb, and blank inside. Going through the motions.

"What can we help you with, Detective?" Luke asked. Lorelai was amazed at how calm Luke sounded, when she felt like she was splintering apart. She clasped her hands in front of her stomach, squeezing so tight her fingers turned red, as her knuckles turned white. Using her hands to hold herself together.

"During the investigation, I found these notebooks. I thought you might want to know," Blake answered, looking back and forth between the couple. There was something going on here. He could see it on the woman's face. "Is everything okay?" he asked. Lorelai laughed. A fake, shrill laugh which hurt his ears.

"No, not really. Jess has been looking into Liz's life, and what he uncovered… Well, it wasn't pretty," Lorelai said.

"No, her life wasn't pretty. Which is why I thought Jess should have these. She wrote them. It's a journal of sorts, and if he's looking into her life, he needs them," Blake said. Luke held his hands out for the notebooks and after passing one to Lorelai, leafed through another. He stopped, and turned to Detective Blake.

"Did you read these?" Luke asked, and Blake nodded.

"I was looking for contacts, sources. Her son should be here for the funeral."

"He won't come. Do you think reading these will help him? Help him past his own fears of ever having a baby? Help him understand his mother?" Luke asked, so angry he missed Lorelai's gasp of understanding. Now she knew. She knew what Rory was upset about. Rory was desperate for a baby, had been since the wedding. Almost as if it was the key to locking Jess into her life. But Lorelai understood. She understood both Rory and Jess's positions. It was part of the devastation she went through after she and Luke broke up. She had wanted his child, didn't want one with Christopher, only Luke. And then it took too long, too much time passed. Her own fears about having a baby, now and when she was younger, helped her understand Jess's. "Here, you think you know everything. Read this! Read Jess's memories, read what happened. The beginning of it all!" Luke added, picking the I-pad up off the floor and showing Blake the attachment.

"You leaf through those notebooks then, because I will be taking them with me when I leave. I'm flying to Connecticut tomorrow, to give them to her son. To convince him to come to the funeral," Blake said, ignoring the couple's shocked looks as he began to read. Knowing as he read, he was making the right choice.

A/N- It occurred to me, as I edited this chapter, that I haven't been giving Lorelai much in the way of pop culture "Gilmorisms" banter. So then I justified it in my own head by saying the topic is heavy, she's worried, she wouldn't be doing it… but am I fooling myself? I find her very difficult to write… am I keeping her in character? Review and let me know! Or just review and tell me how you feel about Liz now…