APOV
Oh dear God no, please let me be wrong about what Christian just said. Please God!
"I...I don't understand Christian. What do you mean? Did you just say, 'You killed your birth mother?' That doesn't make any sense. How can that be?" I say quietly as I continue to caress his cheek.
"It's true Ana, I killed her." He says as he buries his face in between my legs. I can see and feel his chest heaving up and down. He's forcing himself to hold in the tears, the tears of a child, a child who has no business carrying this burden with him.
I have to ask, I must. How can I help him if I don't know the circumstances of his birth mother's death.
You can do this Steele, just take a deep breath and ask.
"How did it happen Christian, tell me."
He looks at me once more, so much sadness, so much pain.
"The crack whore was looking for her medication. She asked me for her medicine every night and every night I gave it to her. I'm not sure what she took but I knew where it was and I brought it to her with a glass of water. Medicine is supposed to make you feel better and I wanted her well."
Christian takes a deep breath.
"Go on Christian." I say quietly.
"She fought with her pimp every night and eventually she would curl up in a ball and take a horrible beating, but the night she died something was...different, she stood up to him. She yelled that she wasn't going to take it anymore and that she was leaving. She wanted a better life herself and for me."
Christian takes another deep breath and continues.
"Her pimp laughed at her and said that she would have nowhere to go. He dared her to leave and said the only living she could make was on her back."
Oh dear God. I cannot help it, the tears that I've withheld are now pouring out of me.
"Keep going Christian, please."
"It's like I said, she asked for her medicine and I brought it to her. She took too many pills and she...well...you know." He buries himself once again between my legs and this time I feel the warmth on my legs from his tears that he is finally shedding.
I know that feeling, carrying all that pain and guilt inside you. Not wanting to share your darkness with anyone, only Christian has had it much worse. He was an innocent child! I have anger and rage coursing through me as I think of what happened to Christian. It's awful, it's beyond my comprehension.
I say nothing, I just let him purge...
Christian stands up quickly and turns his back on me.
"Christian, are you ok?" I ask.
Nothing.
He stands there with his back turned and he says nothing. So I wait...and wait...and wait.
I stand up and I'm right behind him. I can feel the 'pull' between us.
"I'm sorry Ana." He says quietly. "I didn't mean to lay out all my shit on you."
Now I'm angry! Why is he apologizing to me?
"Listen Christian," I say firmly. "Do NOT apologize to me. I'm glad you were able to finally let all that guilt out."
"I...I shouldn't have told you. It's too much for you." He whispers.
"Christian, please turn around. I want to see you."
He takes a deep breath and faces me. I stand closer to him and I caress his face. He leans into my touch and I say, "So much pain, so much pain."
I get on my tip toes and I kiss him on the cheek. It's not a sexual kiss by any means, it's a healing kiss, it feels nice and safe and sweet. Christian kisses me back in the same way. It's not sexual for him either, I can tell.
After the kiss, we hold one another tight. We are lost in our comfort zone. Needing the healing touch that we find together in our embrace.
We break apart and Christian says, "Ana...that was... I have no words."
"I know right? It wasn't sexy or anything, it was...I have no words either."
"It was therapeutic?" Christian asks.
"Sure, therapeutic works for me." I giggle.
"I've never felt a therapeutic kiss before." Christian says with a smile.
"Well, speaking of therapeutic. There's something you need to understand Christian."
He looks at me and I take his hand and lead him back to the picnic table. He sits next to me this time as opposed to sitting across me.
"You did not kill your birth mother."
"That's not true Ana, I did kill her. I'm the one that gave her the pills." Christian says matter-of-factly.
"No Christian, you brought her medication to her in order to make her feel better. You were a child who had no way of knowing what she was going to do." I say trying to make him understand.
"Ana, I'm a bad person...I"
"Stop it Christian! Just stop it! I won't hear this! I won't! You need to stop blaming yourself for something that was entirely out of your control!"
Christian keeps his down, refusing to look at me and this time it's my turn to cup his chin. I force him to look at me and there it is, the pain, it goes so deep. There's more I can tell but I don't want to push it.
"Listen to me Christian, please. You. Were. A. Child!"
"Ana I..."
"No Christian, no! You have to let this go! You have to forgive yourself, this wasn't your fault!"
Silence.
Christian just sits there, saying nothing. He takes a few deep breaths. He's thinking again, contemplating. Oh if I only knew what he was thinking!
"Christian, please say something...please."
CPOV
I hear what Ana is saying, I've had many shrinks say it to me over and over and over again. I heard them but I never really listened to them.
For whatever reason, Ana's words cut through me. She manages to reach me in a way that no one has before, ever.
I can't help but think about Lelliot. My care free big brother. He tried to pull a Dr. Sean Maguire on me after watching the movie "Good Will Hunting." Lell was desperate to reach me and tried that "It's not your fault" bull shit line on me.
I thought my big brother finally snapped and I was tempted to drag him to my next therapy session...that is until I saw the movie. I then understood that it was his way of trying to help. I know it hurt him to see me so closed off when he was the complete opposite.
Open, loving, caring, silly and just the life of any party. He wanted desperately for me to open to him, I did in increments but nowhere near what he wanted.
I suppose I can try the Dr. Sean line on Ana and see if it works on her.
"You need to face up to and deal with this misguided guilt Christian."
"What about you Ana? You also have to let go of your guilt." I say with conviction.
"We're talking about you Christian, not me."
"Well, we never got to finish up with you and we will do so now Firecracker and don't try to stop me because I said 'you first' and what I say goes!"
I give her my future "I'm The Master of The Universe" stare and will her to submit to me.
We stare each other down but she does not know who she's fooling with. I've played the staring game with my brother Lell for many years and I've not lost a single stare down, ever!
It seems like hours and Ana finally says, "Ok, fine!"
Fuck me! It worked!
I'll remember this look when I become a rich CEO. Everyone will bow down to me! I'm the boss and I will let everyone know it!
Ok, you can do this Grey. Take a deep breath and go!
"Ana, it's not your fault."
"Yes it is!"
I try again.
"Ana, it's not your fault."
"It is my fault!"
Shit!
"Ana, it's not your fault."
"Why do you keep saying that?! It is my fault!"
Dammit! Thanks for nothing Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. Your shit didn't work! I have to go another route.
Think Grey, think dammit!
I got it!
"Ana, I'm going to ask you several questions and I want you to answer them. Don't think about anything else, don't say anything. Just...answer my questions. No interruptions. Can you do that for me sweetheart?"
Ana nods.
"Ana, what happened to your parents? How did they die?"
"They were hit by a drunk driver."
Ask her again Grey.
"How did they die?"
She looks at me questioningly but she answers.
"I told you. They were hit by a drunk driver."
Keep asking.
"How did they die?"
I see the tears welling up in her eyes and it's breaking my cold heart.
"They were hit by a drunk driver."
She's starting to shiver, fuck! Come on Grey, keep going!
"How did they die?"
"Christian, please don't do this." Ana pleads with me.
This is so fucked up, but I can't stop. She needs this.
"Ah-ah, you promised, no interruptions. Please sweetheart, just answer the question."
"They were hit..." Ana starts sobbing..."by a drunk driver."
"How did they die?" I ask again as I cradle her in my arms.
You're a sick fuck Grey! Enough! Leave her be!
"They were hit by a drunk driver."
She buries herself in my chest and cries once again. It's killing me to see her in so much pain, but at the same time I'm enjoying cradling Ana in my arms. She feels so good, this is where she belongs, with me!
Quit being selfish Grey! Focus on the Firecracker!
"Ana, listen to what you are saying baby. Please."
"I...I don't understand, what do you mean?"
"Your parents, Noah parents...they were killed by a dunk driver. Those are your words Ana. They came from you. You are not to blame. Do you understand?"
Ana looks up at me, confused.
"No Christian, they came home because of me. If they had stayed out, if we hadn't gotten into a fight..."
"Ana, you can't do this to yourself. This isn't living, you need to let it go. Do you think your parents would want you to live like this? Of course they wouldn't. They loved you, they want to see you happy. They wouldn't want you carrying this guilt Anastasia."
"I don't know Christian..."
"Ana, did your parents love you? Of course they did. If they were here now, if they could speak to you, they would say the same thing. I know it. I know they would!"
Ana's baby blues light up in the bluest of blues and she cracks a small smile.
"I think that goes both ways Christian. I can let go if you can. Can you do that?"
Now she's talking crazy. The Firecracker has no clue of what I have locked up deep inside of me.
"Answer me Christian, can you do that...for me please?"
Oh hell! Now what do I do?
"I can't make any promises Ana, but I'll try...for you I'll try anything."
***Two Days Laters Baby***
APOV
This week has flown! I made it! One more week and my boyfriend will be back. Back where he belongs, with me! I cannot wait to show him how I've faced my fear of the water. I really need to speak to him about Christian as well.
I can't lie to Noah, he has to know what happened between us. Lies fester and grow like a cancer. Lies destroy people and destroy lives, I don't want anything to ruin our love. Noah means everything to me and I know I mean everything to him as well.
I break out of my thoughts and meet Christian at the dock. He's usually there before me but not today. I strip off my shorts and tank top and dip my feet in the water. It feels so good, I feel so free.
I look around, still no Christian. I decide to go for it, I dive in! I make a huge splash and I'm in heaven! I did it! I did it on my own! No Christian, no safety net! I go for a swim! I take long strokes, I'm six years old and I'm a mermaid! This is great!
As I swim back to the dock I see Christian looking at me. He's angry, then in shock, his jaw is on the floor, he then looks sad. Why is that?
"Christian!" I shout! "Look at me! I can swim again! Isn't it great?"
Christian takes off his tank, oh my he's so hot. Quit staring at his package! I make note of the scars on his chest. I wonder if he will tell me about them? I don't want to force the issue but I really would like to know what happened to him. So much pain in his beautiful grey eyes.
I'm getting sad, I need to lighten the mood.
Christian dives in and I start to swim away. "I'll race you!" I shout as I get a big head start.
I can feel Christian catching up to me as we reach the halfway point, by the time we make our turn, he's taken over the lead. I refuse to give up. With new-found strength I feel a shot of adrenaline course through me, I can swim! I can swim! I'm Michael Phelps! I think to myself as I reach the dock.
Christian beat me by a hair but I have to tease him and say, "It's a tie!"
Christian laughs and says, "Oh, I don't think so Firecracker."
I hop back on the dock as does Christian.
"Well Sweetheart, I would say that you don't need a lesson today. How's about an early dinner instead?"
"Dinner sounds great Christian! I agree, I don't need a lesson today. Matter of fact, I would say your work here is done, wouldn't you?"
Christian flinches, what's wrong?
"Christian, are you ok?"
"Ana I..."
"What is it? Talk to me. Please."
"I don't want to stop seeing you, I...enjoy spending time with you Firecracker."
Oh shit, what do I do? I know what he means, I feel the same way but...I love Noah so much and I can't hurt him.
"Christian, I...I can't do this. I have a boyfriend. You know that. Look, why don't we go out to dinner and forget about everything else. I'll take my final swimming lesson with you tomorrow and we deal with it then. Right now I just want to eat, I'm starving! Can we go back to Mr. Bartley's? Their burgers are sooooo good!"
CPOV
How can I say 'no' to Ana? Especially when she looks at me with her big blue eyes and child like innocence.
"Sure thing sweetheart. Mr. Bartley's it is."
Ana makes me feel as if I don't have a care in the world, the darkness that is always with me dissipates when she's near. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself anymore. It's gotten to be part of my routine, wake up, morning practice, class, work out, see my sweetheart, dinner with my sweetheart, attempt to sleep through night terrors and start the day anew.
Now what the fuck am I going to do? I can't remember what life was like without her and it's only been one fucking week! Shit! Shit! Shit!
NPOV
I am so happy to be going home! I can't wait to see Ana! She's going to be so happy that I've arrived one week early. I've missed her so much. The workouts with the Olympic team and Olympic hopefuls was the most challenging thing I have ever done and I pride myself on pushing my limits! These guys go balls to wall! At least I know what I'm in for when and if I make the team!
Speaking of team, I wonder how our team is doing? I hope we're ready for our next race. I know I will be more than ready after the races and workouts that I've had this week. Hopefully Ana is doing well. Ana, how I long to wraps my arms around my girlfriend. I can't wait for her to wrap her sexy long legs around me, I can't wait to squeeze her curvy little butt that fits perfectly in my hand, I want to kiss her and hold her and bury myself in her, I want to get lost in...
Ladies and gentlemen, we've come entered into a rain storm and we expect turbulence throughout the remainder of our flight. Please fasten your seat belts.
I fasten my seat belt and close my eyes, I want to sleep and dream of my Ana. I want to go home...
Shouting, screaming, bumping, Please fasten your seat belts and prepare for a crash landing...Oh God help us! God help us all!
No, this cannot be happening! Please God! Don't do this, please save me, not for me but for Ana! Please! She has suffered a lifetime of loss! Please!
A/N
Credit to My Divine Bronze Goddess Author of Paging Dr. Steele for 'The Staring Contest' reference!
"It's not your fault." line credit goes to the Oscar Winning Movie, "Good Will Hunting."
So I recently saw the movie "Flight" starring Denzel Washington, thus the plane crash reference.
Keep Reading, Keep Reviewing and Keep Smiling!
Rosie :D