Disclaimer- Gilmore Girls and the characters associated with the show are not mine.

Chapter Twenty- Monday 9PM- Gilmore Girls

I don't know who I'm turning into. That's funny. Me turning into someone else. I've always been someone else. Maybe I've always been this f-uped. I can't remember. The crap that happened to me in the Hollow seems so far away now. Seems unreal, and I think I even believe the lies we told. Like the real me never existed in the first place. Where'd the happy little girl in pigtails go? Doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore, not love, not sex, not my boy. He'll be fine on his own, always on his own anyway now he's started school. Nose shoved into a book. Ron's got a plan for getting the money for a couple of bundles. Then we can sell half and keep the rest. God I love smack. It's the only good thing about Boston.

Rory knew she wasn't fooling Jess. She'd been trying to turn the pages of her book appropriately, every minute or so, but she wasn't reading. She was staring at the words, faking it, and Jess's small huff, and the increasing stiffness of his body, let her know he knew. Neither one wanted to talk about the elephant in the room. The bright pink, footie pajama wearing, ballet dancing elephant with its big floppy ears, and long, sparkly blinged out trunk. The one holding the placard reading- The real reason he refused. Her breath catching in her throat, Rory knew she was minutes away from bursting into tears. Forcing herself to move from her spot leaning against Jess, she slid out from under his tensed up arm, and stood, pretending to stretch.

"I'm going to head upstairs, take a long bath before bed. Make sure Garret doesn't stay up too late drawing tonight," she said, turning to leave the library.

"Rory," Jess said, breaking the silence he'd maintained since after dinner. After letting her read the letter and telling her he declined the position because he didn't believe they were offering it for the right reasons. Pausing at the door, she glanced back over her shoulder at him. Watched him meet her eyes, and then look down at his hands. Waiting a second, she cleared her throat, but other than darting his eyes to hers, he didn't speak. Sighing, she walked back, leaned down, and kissed his cheek. Squeezing his hand, before turning away again. He didn't stop her from leaving.

Snagging a glass of wine, a slice of her favorite sharp cheddar, a chocolate truffle, and a handful of raspberries, she headed upstairs to the master bathroom. Setting everything down on the wide edge of the tub, she turned on the taps and added her favorite lavender and chamomile bubble bath. Easing herself into the hot water, she worked on relaxing her muscles. On keeping her mind blank. She focused on the sweet white wine with its hint of dryness. Wondering about the area the grapes were grown, thinking she should travel to sun drenched terraces. She thought about the tang of the raspberries, the soft smooth texture of the chocolate, the bitterness of the cheese. The path her foods took from farm to market. She watched the bubbles pop and fade as her water grew cold. Deciding to rinse off, she left the tub and moved into the shower, setting the water as far into the hot range as she could stand. Turning the nozzle to face the wall, she leaned against it, resting her face on her arms as the water beat down her back. She let her emotions go, and soon the tears were streaming down her cheeks.

Standing outside the door, Jess waited till the shower had been running for a few minutes before moving into the bathroom to grab his tooth brush. Hearing the faint sounds of Rory crying, his heart clenched and his plan to be in bed, asleep before she finished, changed. He opened the shower door, rushing to her under the water, pulling her tight against his chest. Sinking down to the tile floor, he held her in his lap while sobs shook her body, and her tears added to his already soaked clothes. Resting his lips against her hair, he kept quiet as she began to calm down. Smoothing the wet strands away from her face, pressing his lips against her forehead. Holding her tight.

He didn't know what to say.

Luke was taking a quick shower before bed, and Lorelai was back to pacing. It was twenty steps from the door to the window if she lengthened her stride, and she wasn't sure, but she thought the carpet was beginning to look worn. And she was tired, she was so tired. As if she'd been running laps. Not like she'd really know what that felt like, since exercise was not something she engaged in, but she could imagine it, and she thought the way the muscles in her legs felt had to be close. They were rubbery and weak. She'd been wearing a hole in the floor since Luke told her he'd forgotten the condom. Babies, children. Everything came back to the same thing, and she was still days away from being able to use the First Response test.

And the guilt. Now she had the guilt to deal with too. Here she was worried she could be pregnant, didn't want to be, and Rory was scared she never would be. God, poor Jess. The idea of being a parent was terrifying enough without adding Liz and those babies to the equation. But Jess had wanted to adopt Garret, so it wasn't children in general, it was the idea of a baby. Did Rory realize? Did Jess? Hearing the water shut off, Lorelai quickly sat down in the chair and began playing a game on her I-pad. Trying to feign a calmness she didn't feel.

Emily woke with a sharp shooting pain across her chest. She pressed one hand against her sternum, and threw out the other, searching for Richard's hand with her own across the new Frette comforter she hadn't been able to resist purchasing on-line. Catching hold, she tried to speak, but couldn't get the words to pass through her mouth. Squeezing, she felt him stir, sit up and turn on the light. Closing her eyes tight against the glare, she tried one more time to talk.

"Help."

A/N- Please consider reviewing. Only a few more chapters of this story left, and I find myself needing a push to get through it. Reviews always motivate.