When It Rains

After Rafe busts Olivia and Natalia in the middle of something innocuous, Olivia fears that the ground they crossed is going to disappear. Title is from Paramore-When It Rains.

Olivia was certain that Natalia could hear her heart shattering in her chest, the fragments clinking inside her and rattling as she busied herself with the opposite end of the table, folding the table cloth and staring at Natalia as she absently did the same. She knew it was going to come to this, all the idealism that had colored her world a brilliant shade of happy had to have a big nasty storm cloud over it to wash out all of it, making it gray, dull and dead. Just like this. Over before it started. She could tell that Natalia was just as upset as she was but more for her carelessness and inability to SAY what she had to say when the moment presented itself rather than the fact that they weren't doing anything that could provoke Rafe the way it did. Then again, the last time he saw his mother close to someone it was Frank, not me. She shoved her hands in her jean pockets and fought the urge to not turn heel and run while she still had some dignity left.

Natalia scrutinized Olivia intently; watching her as she absently tossed the edges of the tablecloth onto the top of the bed and stared at everything that wasn't her. Please look at me. Tell me it's going to be okay. Please tell me it's going to work out and he'll understand and that this is going to just make us stronger. Olivia's eyes caught Natalia's, holding them the way she had held her on the porch what felt like forever ago. Natalia suddenly felt transparent in her emotions and she looked away quickly, guilt stamped on her face. She took Olivia's poorly folded end of the tablecloth at the corners and met her corners, folding it haphazardly into a square and tossing it into the empty ice bucket. Olivia's hands were instantly crammed into her pockets as she watched Natalia collect the remains of the failed celebration picnic and walk soundlessly into the house. She bit her lower lip and stared out at the yard, watching the trees sway in the breeze and wondering how fast she could get the car started without Natalia noticing. As if on cue, Natalia stepped back onto the porch, wrapping her shawl tighter around her protecting her from a non existent chill. Olivia turned on her heel and stared up at Natalia as she stood in the doorway, her eyes watery. They stood in their spots as though they'd grown roots in the time they'd spent cleaning up.

"Well." Olivia managed her voice cracking as she spoke. "I'm going to get out of here…"

"Wait." Natalia replied, taking a step from the door, her hand held out as if using The Force would hold Olivia in her place. She came down the stairs and stood a few feet away from Olivia, her hands wrapped around her tight. "Aren't we going to talk about this…?" she asked, feeling like a child.

"What is there to talk about Natalia?" Olivia answered icily.

"What we're going to do…?"

"What can I say? Rafe is upset, we waited too long…"

"It wasn't about the waiting, Olivia…"

"What was it about then?"

"The way he found out."

Olivia replayed their time together in her mind. She was breathing her deeply, she smelled like cinnamon and a dozen other scents that made Natalia practically a narcotic every time Olivia was close to her. She buried her face in the crook of her neck, wrapped in her arms and hidden by her hair invisible to the world. When she came up for air, Natalia's eyes held her still, taking her breath away all over again. She thought she'd die as Natalia told her everything she didn't know she was dying to hear and with a conviction that comes from someone who meant every single word, even if it took her forever to come up with them. "There was absolutely nothing out of line."

"He was on the yard. He saw how close we are…"

I'm still not seeing the problem. "And snapped when I was giving you a sip of champagne. I wasn't tonguing you down." But I wanted to so badly.

"Olivia." Natalia began, her frustration building slowly. "Olivia he…he's afraid. He's angry. He doesn't understand what you mean to me, or what I mean to you." She sighed and sat on the top of the steps, looking up at Olivia who still hadn't budged. "He challenged my faith in God."

Of COURSE he did. "Natalia…" Olivia sighed. "He's going to challenge everything, he's scared and he's upset and we waited too long to say anything to him because we were too considerate of his feelings and…"

"Why would his feelings be irrelevant?" Natalia cut in.

"I didn't say they were irrelevant…but…you raised him a certain way, the way you were before you just said you were going to follow your heart on this." she gestured to herself with her left hand over her own heart. "I don't want to fight about this, or the way that it happened. What we have to think about now is where we go from here."

Natalia stared at the gravel, absently fidgeting with the hem of her shawl. "I want this. I want us." she said quietly, bringing her eyes up to meet Olivia's.

"And Rafe?"

"I…I can worry about Rafe. He's my son and he has to hear the truth from me."

Olivia studied Natalia's face quietly as she spoke, weighing her answer carefully. "I love you, Natalia. Nothing is going to change that. I meant that if we aren't an us and we're only friends who love each other to the ends of the earth than so be it. I don't want to lose you or make you do something you're going to regret later."

"I won't regret it. I don't regret it. How could I regret following my heart like this? He asked me if you had something on me."

"Something on you? Like what? A voodoo curse?"

Natalia nodded. "Like if you having Gus' heart had impacted the way I felt about you and it was just sympathy pangs…"

"What did you tell him?" Olivia suddenly found herself feeling strangely intrigued by the conversation she had with her son.

"That I love you because you make me want to be better." Natalia replied simply. "I told Rafe that I'm in love with you."

Olivia swayed in her place, her heart rate picking up.

"He's just scared and upset, Olivia. I raised him to respect The Bible and Church and I'm sure that while he was in prison that he relied a lot on those things to get him through the hardest part of his life." Natalia continued, oblivious to the color that had come into Olivia's face. "I tried talking to him and he just…he won't listen to me. I asked Frank to keep an eye on him until he's ready to talk to me. To us."

Olivia exhaled slowly and sat on the step just below Natalia, making sure to keep her distance from her. "Natalia." she resisted taking her hands in her own and held her hands in her lap. "I know this is the hard part. I told you it was going to get worse before it got better and I know that we both wanted this…"

"Wanted…"

"Want this. We wanted to be as close to you as I could get to you, even though I knew he just left and I knew that it was out in the open but…I was swept away with this…with having you right there." Her fingers burned to run through Natalia's hair, her body ached to just hold her and lie and say it was going to be okay, even if she feared that it wouldn't be. "We wanted to get swept up in the things that everyone else here has, for God's sake, I went to Cross Creek to visit Jeffery and Reva and that wasn't a picnic for me. They can live no questions asked and do whatever they want and you and me, this, this will always be under a microscope or be up for conversation or cause more problems…"

Natalia watched Olivia as she spoke, her eyes avoiding her as she tried to rationalize everything. "Are you backing out?" she whispered cutting off Olivia's tirade. "Do you want to leave?"

"No…I…"

"You what? Want to make it better or easier? Olivia, he doesn't get it and he thinks it's a phase. MY teenage son thinks this;" she moved her hands between the two of them emphatically "is a weird itch that I need to scratch. I told him that I couldn't say that because it's not. This is not a phase or a lapse in judgment, temporary insanity, body snatching, voodoo hexes or a dozen other excuses that people come up with when it comes to something like this. When it comes to us I know what it is. I know its right, I feel it. I love you, I need you."

Olivia was riveted to her seat, her jaw clenched as she tried to keep composure. Natalia's hand reached out and grabbed Olivia's left hand, clenching it and kissing her knuckles softly. "Don't back out on this…I don't think I'd be able to handle it." she whispered softly.

"I don't think I could either." Olivia breathed.

****

Jane had taken Emma to the movies when Olivia had gotten back home. She chucked her purse back on the table, tore off her jean jacket and tossed it on top of the purse. She flopped onto the bed and pulled the pillow close to her, balling it up into her face where she cried until she fell asleep.

Natalia busied herself in the kitchen, trying her best to not call Frank to find out of Rafe was with him but she was more than certain that he was and that pissed her off more than it had any business to. She squeezed her eyes tight, willing herself to not cry but feeling the tears winning the fight. She gripped the edge of the sink as a sob escaped her lips. The floodgates opened and Natalia began to cry.

Rafe felt a slow buzz building in the back of his head as he helped Frank move his furniture around. He bit back asking for a full bottle, figuring that he'd sneak one when Frank was asleep. He might even sneak two. He kept his face neutral as Frank gave him a tightlipped smile and a hearty pat on the shoulder. "If you want to talk about it, you know I'm here." he said, sounding more like a cop than a friend or father figure.

"Yeah thanks." Like you understand what the hell is going on with my mother and Olivia.

*****

Olivia woke up to the sound of the keycard slipping into the lock. She scrambled to her feet and stumbled into the bathroom, closing it just as Jane opened the door. She turned the shower on full blast and stared at herself in the mirror. Her face was puffy from sleep and crying. She figured she might as well keep up the illusion, changed and climbed into the hotter than necessary shower.

Natalia washed her face in the kitchen sink, ignoring the solitary plate that had been her only witness to her breakdown. She took a paper towel and wiped at her eyes as she walked to the living room. She picked up her rosary, crossed to the couch and began to pray.

Olivia felt like a zombie. Between trying to be strong and explain to Emma that they would make plans to go to the farmhouse after Rafe had really settled down and trying to avoid telling her 'Mommy can't go to that house right now because your big brother hates her guts' Olivia felt she was owed an Oscar, an Emmy, a Daytime Emmy and a pat on the back. She tucked Emma into bed, read her a story and closed her bedroom door in record time as a thick teardrop slid down her cheek and plopped onto her t-shirt. "Does it stop?" she muttered to herself as she climbed into bed and pulled the blankets around her. She wiped at her eyes again with her hands like a child trying to stop the waterworks but all it did was make her eyes sting and the tears come down harder. She sighed and attempted to settle into the pillows when a gentle buzz on the nightstand ended her restless movement. Her eyes went wide. I didn't open that box…She exhaled when she saw it was her cell phone as it lay on its back, the screen flashing.

Natalia.

"Hi."

"I miss you." Natalia blurted out. She was in bed at the farmhouse, curled up under the covers, clutching the cell phone like a lifeline.

"I miss you too." Olivia replied, fresh tears spilling from her eyes. "It's going to be okay, you know that."

"No I don't."

You're right. "Yes you do. You kept saying it all day, he's just upset and he doesn't understand this. You sound like you've been crying…"

"Probably because I have. I wanted to go to mass but I couldn't do it, I was afraid that Father Ray and Rafe would be there and…I just couldn't do it. I just stayed home and tried not to call him or you. I was praying for strength and that wasn't working so well so I called you." Natalia blew her nose and cleared her throat. "I'm sorry…"

"Don't be." Olivia imagined herself wrapping her arms around Natalia, holding her as tight as possible, kissing her forehead and telling her it would be okay. "That wasn't the best way to end what started out as great day."

"Funny."

"It's true…" Olivia offered, rolling onto her right side, the phone tucked underneath her head. "I ran over to see you…"

"Why were you running to see me?" Natalia brightened, turning off the light in her bedroom and listening to Olivia's voice.

I bought a sex toy and if I can avoid using it I REALLY would like to. "I missed you. Do I need a reason?" she felt the warmth radiating from Natalia's smile. "I just wanted to see you and I don't regret it. Well, maybe the Rafe incident, but you and I, alone, in a perfect moment…"

"It was perfect wasn't it?" Natalia sighed heavily. "Like we were in a bubble and the rest of the world didn't exist, just us. I really could've just sat there and stared at you forever."

"You're still beautiful."

Natalia blushed. "How do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Just…work through the heartache? How do you stay dry when it rains?"

"I don't. I just look like I'm functioning well. I adapt." The corners of Olivia's mouth quirked as she spoke. "Everyday I wonder if this is just a dream, if I died at Cedars and you're with Gus…"

"Don't."

"You asked. I always get caught in the rain, Natalia. I just walk through the storm, I have to, I have reasons to get someplace dry and warm…I have a home somewhere that I'm trying to get to…I just try to hope for the best. Sometimes…like today…I forget that I made a deal to have more patience and understanding and I just want to chuck in the towel and leave. Then there are other days where I know that no matter how terrible it can be it could ALWAYS be much worse and that I have to appreciate what I have."

"So you're willing to stay."

"As long as you want me to, I'm not going anywhere." Olivia replied, hoping that she sounded as convincing as she felt at the moment. "I wouldn't leave you with this, even if it hurts."

"What hurts?"

"Everything. I can't be at the farmhouse okay? I'm serious about that this time. I promised I wouldn't spring up like I do and I'm going to keep to that because I know Rafe is going to want to come home and I don't want to ruin any chance you have with making a fresh start with him."

"So we're back to secret agent missions in the park?"

"For the meantime. Even though you make one sexy spy…"

"Flattery."

"Honesty."

Olivia heard Natalia shifting around on her end of the phone in bed. "Falling asleep?"

"Yes…I'm hoping to at least. I don't think I can stay up another hour crying or over-thinking everything."

"Natalia…"

"Mhm?"

"It doesn't always rain, sometimes it clears up and when it does, there are always flowers and the air smells better and everything is much cleaner."

"Like your car?"

"What?"

"Your car, it's kinda gross…"

"It's metaphor rain."

"Well, it actually needs to be cleaned so metaphor rain, actual rain, car wash…"

"You're so clever." Although, a car wash wouldn't be bad… "Maybe we can do that, take the car and go through the car wash."

"Mhm. Part of the secret agent mission?"

"Operation Bubbles. Let me know when you want to do that."

"Sure." Natalia mumbled sleepily as she yawned and pulled the phone closer to her and succumbed to sleep.

Olivia listened to her as her breath evened out. She rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling, the day's events replaying slowly again in her head. She heard a low rumble and the steady rainfall. She chuckled to herself as she shifted her position, still holding the phone to her ear, listening as Natalia slept on.

There was no such thing as a perfect time, Doris was right about that but there was such thing as perfect moments and if those were the only things she had to hold on to then she was more than happy to lock those things away in her heart forever. She bit her lip thoughtfully, sleep completely avoiding her as she worked out some of the advice she had been given in the last few days. Rafe was right to be angry, he was 19, his mother was all he knew and the time he spent away had changed his view of the world. Frank was right to be angry because he loved Natalia…Olivia forced them out of her mind. This is NOT about them. This is about her. We're three entities fighting for space in her life and it's killing her to know that whatever choice she makes, it could end the other's lives. Frank could give her what she deserves but I'm what she wants and the old me would've reveled in the win but God knows that if I knew that this was going to be harder than it sounded, I would've let Frank have her and she'd have the life she wants.

She still picks me.

She still wants me.

I want her. More than I ever wanted anything. I told Doris that in church…I told her. I showed her. Olivia's left hand rubbed over the scar, as if dulling the pain from the outside would help alleviate the pain on the inside. She said everything I wanted to hear from someone and it was exactly what I needed to know, what I need to feel. I don't deserve her or her love but she thinks I'm worth it and that has to be enough. The rumble of thunder roused her from her troubling thoughts and she listened to it as the rain pattered hard on her windows. She could hear Natalia's breathing hadn't changed; she could sleep through anything apparently. I wish I knew what that was like. Sleeping next to her in a bed, my bed or would it be our bed? Probably much more comfortable. I have to think of what to tell Emma, no jokes or lies, honest answers because we're going to have a tough time with Rafe now that he's so…tolerant to the situation. I need to calm down. I have to calm down. I'm going to snap.

"Olivia…" Natalia murmured into the phone.

"I'm here."

"Do you hear the rain?" Natalia asked, her voice ragged with sleep.

She sounds so cute. "Yeah I do."

"Why aren't you sleeping?"

"Thunder woke me up. I should go, Emma might want to climb in if the storm gets worse."

Natalia groggily looked out of her bedroom window. The rain came down steadily, tattooing a beat on the roof. "She's lucky." she said, blushing as the words left her lips. "Sweet dreams."

"Dream sweet."

They hung up but Olivia clung to the phone as she lay in bed, listening to the rain.

Rafe stretched out on the couch and stared out of the window as the rain came down. He took a deep swig from the stolen beer in his left hand, ready to stash it in the cushions if Frank came out in the middle of the night, his right hand fidgeting with his crucifix. He replayed his mother's words over and over again and felt agitation gnawing at his heart. It didn't make sense and what was worse was that it was wrong but she just didn't care, she was already in and it sounded like it was deep. He sighed heavily and took another deep swig of the beer before standing up and padding over to the kitchen. He quietly stashed the empty bottle in the recycling bin and returned to the couch, rubbing his stomach as he sat down. He rooted around in his bag for his mp3 player and headphones. He jammed the buds deep into his head and turned the volume up, hoping to drown out the sound of the rain and his thoughts.

Olivia chewed on a cookie as she channel surfed, determined to fall asleep courtesy of sugar coma or sheer exhaustion. Neither was happening. She opened Emma's door a crack and peered in. She hadn't been bothered at all by the rain apparently. She closed the door again and climbed back into bed. She reached for the phone again and tried to have some decency considering the late hour but her impulsive nature got the better of her and she hit speed dial.

"Mhphm"

"I didn't mean to wake you…"

"Uh you didnn" came the muffled reply.

"Just making sure." Olivia said as she pulled the blankets over her and nestled into her pillows. Maybe after the rain, tomorrow would be better.