A/N
Oh my gosh! So I had the best but much too brief conversation with my girl Nickole and she kindly informed me that the Charles River is not one to be swum in! It's typically referred to as "Dirty Charles." Ha! Ha! My bad!
Also I know it's probably much too cold for Christian and Ana to swim in the evening much less at night but because I live in beautiful Sunny Southern California where my beaches and harbors are relatively clean and you can swim in the evening and at night, let's just relax our minds and 'go there' for the sake of my story.
Much love and hugs Nickole! You were my very first voice contact from our FSOG Cyber World! I love your East Coast accent!
On with my story!
APOV
Noah takes another deep breath and asks, "Did you kiss him?"
Better be honest Steele, "I didn't kiss him Noah, he kissed me. I told him both times that...
"Both times!? Both times?! You mean to fucking tell me that he kissed you more than once and you still went swimming with him?! What the fuck Ana?!"
Noah rarely swears so hearing him speak like that and spew those words at me really hurts. Take a deep breath and breathe Steele. It's going down right here right now so armor up!
Oh gosh here we go.
"It wasn't like that Noah, well...not for me anyway." I say quietly. "I pushed him away both times!"
Noah takes a deep breath and I know he's trying to keep his cool.
Shit, how would I feel if he did this to me? He has every right to be angry with me.
"Ana, let's turn the tables here. How would you feel if it was me. If I was the one that got kissed by a girl and I pushed her away and yet, I still saw her if she was helping me with something. How would that make you feel?"
And there it is, Noah's turning the tables on me and now I have to own up and face it! I take a deep breath and go for it.
"I wouldn't like it all. Matter of fact, I probably would have wanted to bitch slap any girl who tried anything on you. Especially if she knew that you were off the market."
"And this is exactly how I feel about Grey! Can you please just understand what I mean and how I feel about this?"
Noah is right. I shouldn't have seen him after he kissed me. I know better than that and since I do know better, I need to give him full disclosure.
"Noah, there is one more thing I have to tell you." I murmur
Noah takes a deep breath, "Oh Jesus Ana, please tell me you didn't..."
I immediately know where his thoughts are going and I shut him down at once. How can he think that of me?
He thinks that because you've dreamt that Christian was above you while Noah was making love to you that's why dummy!
"No! Of course not Noah! Never!" I shout.
Noah's shoulders sag and he lets out deep sigh of relief. What am I doing to him? After all he's done for me, this is how I treat him?! I feel like shit! He deserves better than this.
The only reprieve that I can offer is to show him that my spending time with Christian was time well spent in the water. The idea comes to mind at once.
"Hey guys," Noah and I both turn to see long-legged beautiful Carolyn looking at us. "Tik wanted me to you remind you of karaoke night tonight. You guys are coming right?"
"Yes, we will be there." I say quickly. I didn't want Noah to shut that down. We need to be out together, we need to be seen together, I need to show Noah that we are still together.
"Cool, see ya later Noah, Banana." Carolyn says as she giggles and walks away.
The mood changes slightly, it's not so tense. Noah looks at me questioningly as says, "Banana?"
"Yes, it's a long story. I'll fill you in tonight. For now, let me show you what I can do."
I jump off of the dock and take my usual lap, the one Christian mapped out for me. I'm free and it feels great! I turn and I can see Noah standing. He's watching me with a huge smile on his face. Yes, he's happy for me. Happy that I can swim now, with out the fear.
Once I reach him I shout, "Why don't you join me Noah?"
"I think I will baby." He strips off his tank, kicks off his flip-flops and dives in.
Once he's next to me I reach out to him for a kiss.
"See Noah, see what I can...No! No! No!"
I go under once more.
"Ana! Ana! Ana!" I can hear Noah shouting as he reaches for me. I'm going down, down, down...
***Thirty Minutes Later***
"Ana, talk to me. Are you alright?"
It's Noah, he's here. Where am I?
"Yes Noah, I'm fine. Where am I?" I ask as I see blue skies above me.
"We're here Ana, at the dock. You had another panic attack."
Shit!
I realize I'm laying on my back and I bring my hands to my face and say, "No, no, no! All that work for nothing! I was doing so good Noah! I mean...you saw me right? It wasn't a dream...was it? I was really swimming wasn't I?"
"You really were swimming Ana, it wasn't a dream. Let's go to my place and get you showered, we can go out for a bite to eat and then we can talk. What do you say?"
"Yeah, sure. As long as we can go out tonight with the team, I'm good with that." I say trying to hide how despondent I am. The good thing is that Christian won't be there and by then, Noah and I will have talked this entire thing out and we will be fine.
***Later That Night at Karaoke***
I'm sitting at the table with Noah and a few friends from the team. I'm going over the conversation that Noah and I had earlier today. Noah said that his plane was experiencing severe turbulence and that they were in their 'ready positions' for a crash landing. Fortunately they made it through the storm. So much has happened to the both of us. We were only apart for one week but it seems like a life time.
Before karaoke starts Coach Bowness addresses the team. "Ok everyone, I've gone over the schedule and the line-ups for our next race are posted on the wall for all of you to see. I've made some changes over the past week, trying to find the strengths within each rower and utilizing them in the best way possible. I don't want to hear anyone complaining about the new line up!"
Code word for, 'The top seat that you thought was yours may not be and the bottom rower may be moved up a notch or two.' Coach always keeps us on our toes, telling us not to get too comfortable. She is constantly making changes to our line ups.
For once, I find that I'm scared. I hope that Noah's in the same boat with me.
"Ana," Noah says, "I'm talking to you. Did you hear me?"
His hand is out and he's standing up. I look at his beautiful face and he's smiling at me, just like he smiled earlier when we made love as soon as we went back to his place. I was somewhere else when he was touching me, kissing me, holding me...just like I'm somewhere else right now. Losing myself in random thoughts...
"I'm sorry Noah, what did you say?"
"I said, 'Let's go see the line-ups so we can see what time we are our race will be held.' Hello, are you with me?"
"Uh yeah. Sure." I say as I stand and take his hand.
I feel it again, his eyes, they're on me. I look around and there he is.
It's Christian, looking sad and forlorn.
Shit!
He's trying not to be seen and he's doing a pretty good job of it, but I felt him, I can feel the pull, I always feel when he's near.
"This is bull shit! How can they do this?" Shouts Noah as he calls me out of my thoughts once again.
"What's wrong Noah?"
"I lost my stroke seat! This is not fair!"
"Noah, easy. This is only one race. We're going to have lots of races for you to prove yourself. I don't understand why you are so upset?"
"Really Ana?! You don't?! Well look at this!"
I look at the line ups and I see that I am coxing a boat with Christian as my stroke!
Fuck!
"You know what makes this worse Ana, I'm on four seat and I'm not even on the same boat with you!"
"Shhh...Calm down Noah, you don't want to act like this in front of the others. You were stroke for a while as a freshman! Think about that."
Noah takes a breath and calms slightly.
"Enough Noah, stop it right now. Let's go join the others and see what sort of silly songs that they will sing and dance to. The last karoke was quite entertaining. You missed a great show."
Noah and I sit through the performances and I just tune everything out. Not really paying attention to the songs or the performances.
I'm called from my thoughts when I feel Noah leave me and head towards the stage. Will he sing to me once more? I do loved that he sang to me on my birthday. He looked so silly and even though he sang off-key, it was the best song ever.
Noah doesn't say anything, he only nods to Mallory who is in charge of the music.
The song begins to play and I know it at once.
Oh Shit!
You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips.
And there's no tenderness like before in your fingertips.
You're trying hard not to show it, (baby).
But baby, baby I know it...
You've lost that lovin' feeling,
Whoa, that lovin' feeling,
You've lost that lovin' feeling,
Now it's gone...gone...gone...wooooooh.
Now there's no welcome look in your eyes
when I reach for you.
And now you're starting to critisize little things I do.
It makes me just feel like crying, (baby).
'Cause baby, something beautiful's dying.
I can see the emotion that Noah is pouring out in this song. Noah has a beautiful voice and his singing is perfect! I feel the tears streaming down my face.
Shit!
Everyone is going to know what's going on between Noah and I.
Shit! Shit! Shit!
When he finishes his performance Captain Tik grabs the mic and says, "Uh...Ok everyone. That's it for tonight! Have a good evening and row hard!"
Everyone leaves but I remain seated waiting for Noah to approach me.
"Noah, that was beautifully sung. You have an amazing voice. I've never heard you sing with such..."
"Emotion?" Noah says completing my thoughts.
"Well, I was going to say 'passion' but yes, emotion works just as well." I say quietly.
"It's easy to do if you really feel what you're singing, if the lyrics mean anything to you, you can reach anyone...especially the ones that you love."
Bam!
He's calling me out.
What do I say to that?
Shit!
Noah takes a deep breath and I know this is it.
Fight or flight, it's going down right now!
I don't know what to say, I remain silent.
Am I supposed to speak first? The tension is so thick!
"Ana?" Noah takes another deep breath.
Finally! He speaks!
I better steel myself for what's to come, I look around the room to make sure it's empty and that we have our privacy.
"Yes Noah, what is it?"
"Why is it that you can swim with him Ana? Why him? Why not me?"
I know it's Christian that he's referring to as 'him,' we both know it.
"I...I don't know." I say as I lie to the face of my first love.
I'm a horrible person! I hate this!
"Do you have any idea how that makes me feel Ana?" Noah cries out in pain.
I feel the bile rise in my throat, feeling sick to my stomach.
"Noah, please. I'm sorry." I whisper quietly.
I love him so much but I can see in his eyes the pain I'm causing him.
"I'm sorry?" He snarls at me. "You say that every night in your nightmares. What does that mean Ana? Why won't you talk to me?"
"I'm...I'm sorry Noah."
"Stop saying that dammit! Ana, I'm dying inside. Can't you see how much I love you? You're my everything and yet, you won't open up to me. Please baby, if our love means anything to you...You shutting down on me, it's already causing our love to crack. The foundation of our love is strong Ana but you have to be honest with me, please."
This is it, after keeping this secret from him for such a long time, I'm finally going to tell him. I'm finally going to relieve myself from this burden. I will tell him this and then I will lose him. He will hate me forever and I will lose him!
"Noah, please don't hate me. Please."
"Ana, I could never hate you. I love you baby, always."
"You may not feel that way after what I have to say to you."
"Ana, just say it. It'll be alright. Whatever it is, we will get through it together. Just like we always have, ever since the night that..."
Noah stops and I can see the pained look on his face. The pain in his beautiful sea green eyes.
It's now or never Steel, fight or flight!
"Noah, your parents...my parents, they are dead because of me." I say as I begin to sob.
"What?! Ana, that's ridiculous. Is that why you have nightmares? Is that why you keep screaming 'I'm sorry' because you feel responsible for their deaths?"
"You don't know the entire story Noah, let me finish."
"The night that our parents had gone out, I had gotten in an argument with my mom and my dad. Words were exchanged in the heat of the moment. It was awful! I knew I was being unreasonable but I didn't care. Remember Noah, we were studying when I got a phone call from my mom. She said she didn't like the way things ended with us and she didn't want me to use your parent's car service to go home. She didn't want me to go to sleep angry or upset. She said that she and my dad weren't having a very good time because we argued. We had never argued before. They wanted to come home early and talk things out."
I take a deep breath and begins to sob again.
"I could hear my mom telling my God parents that they were going home so your parents decided to go home with them. They all went together! All four of them!"
I continue to sob and then I say, "Noah, they're dead! Dead because of me, because we fought, because we didn't settle our fight before they left. Because they wanted to come and talk things over! I did this! I did this to them!"
NPOV
"Oh God Ana, oh dear God!" I say as I attempt to console Ana.
Of course it's not her fault but at the same time I know that something has changed between us. I can feel it. The song I sang was appropriate. She doesn't love me anymore, well, she loves me but she's not 'in love with me.' I can tell and it's fucking killing me, I can feel my heart shattering into a million tiny pieces.
I have to tell her, she needs to know that this is not her fault, but she also needs to know that we need to end this. One issue has nothing to do with the other.
"I'm sorry Noah, I'm so, so sorry!" She cries out to me, holding me close and squeezing me tight.
"Listen to me Ana, I need for you to listen."
She continues to sob.
I stand up and hold her and I say, "It's not your fault Ana, you need to know this. I'm don't blame you, your parents wouldn't blame you, my parents wouldn't blame you. You need to understand this ok? You really need to let this go now."
I hold her and then it hits me. I have an epiphany!
"Ana, that's why you couldn't swim with me! You were feeling guilty!"
I don't know why but for whatever reason, that makes me feel better. Perhaps she could have swam with anyone so long as it wasn't me.
It still hurts that it was Grey that made her feel safe. I'm still in love with Ana, she is my first love but I know it's not there anymore. The mutual feelings that we once shared. As much as this is killing me, I have to end it once and for all.
She's holding on to the 'idea of our love' which is not the same as a being in love. God damn this hurts. It hurts as much as the night we lost our parents but I have to be strong, she has to know that this is for the best.
She deserves to be loved, which of course I do, I love her with all my heart and soul but the painful part of this is that Ana doesn't love me, not anymore, not the way that I still love her.
Shit, I hope this doesn't mess her up more. Do I tell her now?
Shit!
I have to make her see, although I'm sure she's felt it with...Grey. She doesn't think I know or that I can feel what's between them but I can and I hate!
I fucking hate it!
I love Ana so much and the fucker Grey... I hate him! If he wasn't around she would probably still be in love with me. I can't go down that road, I need closure.
"Ana, I love you so much. You're my everything baby. I eventually want us to marry and have kids of our own. What about you? Do you feel the same way?"
Ana remains silent.
Not knowing what to say and I have my answer.
Oh Ana...you were supposed to be mine forever, but I cannot do this. I refuse to make you stay with me out of some misguided loyalty. You will only regret it in the future. I love you with everything I've got to give and I know you did to at one time, but you don't anymore and that hurts, it hurts so damn bad!
APOV
Shit! How do I tell him that I do love him but that I find myself attracted to Christian. How do you say that to your first love?
"Ana, I'm waiting. There is no right or wrong answer, there's only the truth and how you feel. Please, you owe this to me Ana. Please, you need to be honest."
"Noah, I don't think...that is, I'm not sure...My feelings have changed and I'm so confused!"
"It's Grey isn't it? You have feelings for him, don't you?"
I look at Noah and those beautiful sea green eyes and I can't help but think of those grey eyes...
"Noah, I'm so sorry. I...I do have feelings for him. It's like he just..."
"Stop Ana, I can't hear this. I'm trying to be the bigger man here but please don't make me have to listen to you talk about your feelings for him. My heart is already broken Ana. Don't crush it anymore by stepping on it too. Please!"
"I'm sorry Noah, I...I don't know what else to say."
"I saw you last night Ana. I saw you and Christian at the dock. I couldn't wait to see you and when I went to your room Holly said you were at the dock so of course I raced over there. I couldn't move, I was paralyzed. Fuck, I was probably in shock! I saw the way he held you, the way you held him. It was...It fucking killed me Ana. What's worse is, I didn't see any sexual meaning in that hug, it was a friendly hug, just as your kisses to one another were like healing kisses. Yes, I saw that as well. Why couldn't I do that for you Ana? Why?" Noah pleads as the tears well up in his eyes.
"Oh God Noah, I'm so sorry." I don't know what else to say.
I've broken him, my first love! I'm a horrible person!
"Will you please fucking stop apologizing to me God dammit! Just stop! I don't want it to end this way! I don't want our last memory to be of me yelling at you so fucking stop saying, 'I'm sorry!' are we clear?" He pleads sofly as he holds my hand.
His words, so hard and painful to hear. I would prefer that he yell at me, it's better than hearing the pain in his voice, how are we going to fix this? I don't want to lose him.
"Uh Noah, where do we go from here? I mean, how can we get over this to get our relationship back on track?" I ask desperate for an answer.
"Geez Ana, have you heard a word I said? We aren't getting back together, there is no more us! Don't you see that?! Can't you see that?!"
"Noah, please don't do this to me, to us. Please!" Before I know what's happening I fall to my knees and beg.
"Oh God Ana! No baby, please don't beg baby please. You're better than this Ana!" Noah says as he picks me up off of the floor.
"I'm not better than this Noah! You make me a better person. Please, please don't leave me. I'm lost without you Noah!?
"Ana, it's over baby. Please don't beg. I can be very selfish and accept your plea Ana but I'm trying to be fair. You deserve love and so do I. You don't love me like you used to baby. I know and I can feel it, it's already done. Surely you know that."
"But...but I do love you Noah, I do! Please believe me."
"I know you do Ana and please understand, I hope this makes sense to you, if not now then sometime in the future. I need someone who is going to love me as much as I love them in return and I don't think I have that with you Ana."
He hits the nail right on the head and I know for a fact that what he is saying is true. I do not love Noah in the way that he loves me, I used to but...
"Am I correct Ana?"
Of course he's correct but I can't say I'm sorry or else Noah will flip out on me so I speak calmly and just say what he already knows is true.
"Yes Noah, you are correct. What I would give if it wasn't true but yes...Noah, I never meant to hurt you. Really, you must know that." I say as I begin to sob.
I can feel it, our relationship is over but I still don't know where we go from here, I'm so confused, scared and angry at myself for letting this happen!
"Ana, I'm always going to love you. You're my first love."
"You're my first love too Noah, that's never going to change."
"Ana, I...I have to go." He whispers quietly.
"What do you mean 'you have to go?' Go where?"
"I can't stay here Ana. I'm going to Yale. I do have a little pride left you know."
"I don't understand, you can't leave Noah!" I shout.
"I can't stay Ana. Please if you love me, you will let me do this. This is best for both of us. You love me because we share a bond, because we took care of one another during our parent's deaths but that isn't enough to sustain our love and I need to leave. You need to be strong on your own Ana and trust me when I say that you can be strong, you are strong! Stronger then you'll ever know!"
"I'm strong for you Noah! That's why I'm strong, please don't leave me Noah! Please!" I'm so desperate that I fall to my knees begging him again. I have no shame, I'm desperate!
Noah gets down on his knees and lifts me up.
"Ana," Oh God, now he's crying. "Please Ana, don't this, please. If you don't want to hurt me anymore then please, I need to go and I need your blessing. Please baby, please."
I don't want to let him go, I know I'm being selfish but who will take care of me now? I want to feel safe.
"Listen Ana, Yale isn't that far. It's only a two-hour drive, I'll visit on week-ends once I'm settled in and we will still go back home for the holidays."
"You mean, I can still live with you in Seattle once school is over?" I ask in complete surprise.
"Of course Ana, I love you and we will always have that special bond between us. I'll say it again, you are my first love and my very best friend Ana. I will always love you and you will always have a special place in my heart." Noah says with absolute conviction.
I start at him in shock. I don't know what to say or do?
"Ana, please tell me that I have your blessing, please."
"You can have my blessing on one condition." I say as I manage a meek smile.
"What is it Ana? Anything. Just tell me!"
"I need a hug really, really bad and the hug that I need is from my first love."
Noah manages a smile. He slowly encases me in his arms and we hug. It feels so good, so right, so natural. Our embrace takes on a life of its own, it's as though our bodies know that this will be it for us, there will be no more physical intimacy, well, not sexually anyway. Any time I see Noah I will expect and demand my hugs.
I can tell that Noah wants to end our contact and I know I'm being selfish but I don't want to let go. I want to stay like this forever, safe in Noah's arms.
"Please Ana, my heart is barely beating and I can't take this anymore. I need to go now. Please let me go."
"No! I can't! I know I said you have my blessing but I can't Noah! I can't! Please don't leave me! Please! I'm sorry, what can I do to make you change your mind? I'll do anything, anything Noah! Please! Please! Please!"
"Oh Ana, you can't change what's in your heart baby. Come on, I'm taking you home now."
"I'm sorry Noah, I'm so sorry! I never meant to hurt you."
"I know Ana, I know."
And with those words, we break free from our embrace and I am left feeling bereft, empty and alone...
END OF BOOK I
A/N
This is the end of BOOK I.
No worries though, BOOK II will continue right here with the same story.
Cheers,
Rosie