Zilo: Welcome! Thanks for sticking around!

Chizi: We're glad you joined us again! Anyway, it seems we didn't properly introduce ourselves last time!

Zilo: WHAT?! OH NOES! Well then, to anyone who didn't follow me from one of my other fics, I'm Zilo Sugarpill!

Chizi: And for everyone who doesn't know me, which is pretty much everyone, I'm Chizi-chan!

Zilo: Many thanks to Clouds On Monday, fullmetalshadowwolf, kariki, Malicious-Me, Koinu-chan, Mimitalind, alexthegreat, Tori-Matsu, Jibbette, Im-Right-Behind-You, and Megan May for reviewing!

Chizi: As a reward, here's another chapter. Please enjoy!

2: The First Complication

In Which Everyone's Sanity Is Questioned

I found myself rubbing my temples in frustration, feeling a headache coming on. This was simply ridiculous. I couldn't believe I was actually condoning this. I should have already called the cops and gotten this crazy cosplayer guy out of my house. Instead I was playing along with this crazy game my crazy brother was playing.

Sitting on the basement steps, I once again eyed the guy. He hadn't woken up yet from the little vase-to-the-head incident. Ricky and I had used two full rolls of duct tape to secure him to the old dining room chair, and I was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to bust out. If he somehow did, I had prepared for that by piling basement junk around him in such a way that any wrong move would send several heavy items crashing down on his head, feet, whatever. By the time he got free of those, I would have made it upstairs and locked the basement door.

It disturbed me a little that I had planned this on a sort of subconscious belief that he would have Homunculus strength. I again reminded myself that Ricky's story was ridiculous and our new prisoner couldn't possibly be Envy. Once I had dealt with EdwardsWife77 and convinced Ricky he was certifiably insane, we'd call the police and that would be the end of it.

I heard footsteps coming down the stairs and twisted around to see Ricky bringing down Mom's extra laptop. He joined me on the step I was sitting on and put the laptop in my lap. It was already open and connected to the online anime club's website. He had opened a chat window. "She's waiting for you," he said almost solemnly.

This required me to give him a "are you insane?" look. "'She's waiting for me'? What is this, The Godfather? Jeez, dude." I checked the list of people in the chat and realized it was just me and her. Ricky had signed in under his own screen name, so I started to type.

EdwardvsLelouch: are you there?

I waited, looking up once to check on the cosplayer. Still out. The laptop dinged, indicating a reply. I looked back down.

EdwardsWife77: hey hey rick!

I shot Ricky a look. "You didn't tell her it was me?" He was putting on an innocent look when the computer dinged again.

EdwardsWife77: u never told me, u use the letter I sent u??? howd it go???

I sighed, and started typing again.

EdwardvsLelouch: sorry, you've got the wrong girl. i'm his sister
EdwardsWife77: ???
EdwardvsLelouch: remember? TheJoes101?
EdwardsWife77: oh!!! Hey gurl!!
EdwardvsLelouch: listen, Ricky's been going slowly insane and i think it's your fault, so what's this about this chain letter?

There was a pause. The cosplayer groaned, and both our heads shot up. Ricky clutched an unbroken baseball bat I hadn't noticed he'd brought down. We watched as the cosplayer's head shifted, but he didn't return to consciousness.

"How hard did you hit him with that vase?" I demanded of Ricky.

He shrugged. The computer pinged.

EdwardsWife77: insane? How do u mean?
EdwardvsLelouch: Well I went jogging this morning and when I came back some unconscious Envy cosplayer was in the basement. when the dude woke up he nearly killed me but Ricky bashed him over the head with a vase and now he's unconscious again and duct taped to a chair. Ricky's trying to convince me that he's the real Envy.

Her response didn't take long.

EdwardsWife77: OMGOMGOMG! It did work!! But u tied envy up w/ duct tape?
EdwardvsLelouch: I TOLD you he tried to kill me and
EdwardvsLelouch: you are NOT trying to tell me that this is the real envy too??
EdwardsWife77: it is! i swear!! believe ur bro!!!
EdwardvsLelouch: you must be insane!
EdwardsWife77: no listen!! listen!! i sent rick this chain letter that would cause your world and an anime world of his choosing to collide!! and this is the result!! uve got the real envy tied up!!
EdwardsWife77: or should I say ductaped up, LOL!!!!!

"See? I told you!" Ricky told me.

I snapped the laptop shut, which put it on automatic standby. "Oh, so I'm supposed to listen to two crazy people now? I'm not a gullible idiot, Ricky," I snapped. "Is this cosplayer guy your friend? Someone you paid to trick me?"

"Where would I find a business for renting out cosplayers to trick skeptical sisters?" Ricky argued.

"There's all sorts of crazy internet services out there!" I shot back.

"But why would I go to all this trouble just for some joke? No way would I pay some stranger just to get one over on you! Besides, I'm more of a whoopee cushion and joy buzzer guy myself!" Ricky said.

Well, he did have a point. It was ridiculously elaborate for a prank. "Well, there's no other option," I told him.

"Yes there is," Ricky said. "You believe me and EdwardsWife that this guy—" here he pointed at our prisoner "—is really Envy."

"That's not an option. That's lunacy."

"Come on, Joey! Okay, look, did he say anything before he started chasing you around?"

I scowled. "Yeah. He asked me where the Fullmetal Alchemist was."

"And he sounded like Envy, right? I mean, his voice actress, right?"

I sighed heavily. "Yeah, he did."

"There's no way any normal dude could pull that off," Ricky pointed out.

"Fine then. It's a crazy cosplaying woman," I said, still being stubborn.

Ricky threw up his hands like I was being utterly ridiculous. "Joey! Come on already! Stop denying the evidence!"

"I'm not! Something like this is impossible and you know it! Anime characters don't magically pop into the real world in real life!"

"Then explain how he looks, sounds, and acts just like Envy! Nobody's that dedicated a cosplayer! And how would he get in our house to begin with?"

I sighed through my nose. Ricky was bound and determined to believe that this was really Envy. It just threw me at how he could suddenly become so seriously insane. It was so ridiculous that it almost made it seem possible. Maybe there was some mystical way to warp anime characters into your basement.

"What the HELL HAVE YOU DONE?!"

The thunderous voice made us both jump. We whirled towards the source. Envy—if this really was Envy—was awake, and he was pissed. He started to thrash furiously in the chair, trying to break the bonds of duct tape holding him in place. Some of the ones I'd wrapped loosened or snapped altogether. But Ricky had done a pretty amazing job, and his strips of duct tape held firm.

Ricky gave me an "I told you so" look very quickly before he stood up, holding the baseball bat in one hand. I jumped up as well, clutching the laptop like a shield, suddenly worried that Ricky was going to try and talk to this guy.

Envy—I mean, the cosplayer—looked even madder when he wasn't making much progress in getting himself un-duct taped. The chair rocked back and forth, nearly tipping over both ways, as he tried to pull his arms, legs, and torso free. His hair swirled wildly in the wind he was kicking up.

"You can try all you want, but you won't get out," Ricky said suddenly, almost startling him. I looked up at my brother to see his original nervousness replaced with something that looked pretty damn smug. "We made sure of that."

I looked back to Envy in time to see him throw the blackest of looks at us. He held still for a moment, seeming to concentrate, then his look of anger was briefly interrupted by a flash of confusion before he started to struggle again. "What have you done to me!" he hissed. "You filthy humans—how did you take my powers away!"

I only remembered Envy's shapeshifting ability when he mentioned it. I was surprised to hear that it wasn't working, but as I thought on it a little longer, it made some sort of sense. Alchemy and Homunculus powers were nullified on the other side of the Gate, and technically the movie was set in our world—

But I realized I was making rationale like this was the real Envy and caught myself. I was the only sane one left here. It was too easy to get caught up in the moment. I had even been thinking of our prisoner as "Envy" instead of "the cosplayer". I needed to get a grip.

Ricky stepped forward once. "Are you the Homunculus Envy?" he intoned, like he was the leader of some sect. I rolled my eyes.

Envy paused in his escape attempts for a moment, and glowered at us suspiciously. Then he sneered. "Been looking for me, have you?"

It really did sound just like Envy. My thoughts kept getting confused, and I was starting to doubt myself more. The voice, the personality, it fit so well.

"We have some questions for you," said Ricky.

"You can go to hell instead," was Envy's reply.

I started to shake my head. I put my hand on Ricky's arm to get his attention. "Ricky, this is insane. This can't be the real Envy. Let's just call the—"

"Ex-cuse me?" Envy butted in, sounding almost offended. "Not the real Envy! Get something straight, girl, I am the one and only Envy. If you know so much about me you should be trembling little blobs of flesh at the moment. Now release me before I kill you both."

I stared at him. How was it he was convincing me? I must be going insane too! Great, just what we needed: a family of crazy people.

"You're not in a position to give orders," Ricky said, pointing the baseball bat at Envy like some magical scepter or something.

Envy glared at him. His authentic-looking purple eyes slid over to me for a second. I was still staring. A brief flash of something seemed to pass through them—like a calculating look—before he turned back to Ricky. "So what do you want then?" he asked, his voice haughty as usual.

I was really falling for this. Even as I started to fall for it I couldn't believe I was starting to fall for it. It was hard to look at this guy, and listen to him, and not start thinking he was really Envy. If he was just a cosplayer, he must have spent hours and hours getting down Envy's every little nuance so he seemed convincing no matter what he did.

"Like I said, just some questions," Ricky said. "To prove you are who you say you are." He didn't add that this was to convince me, but I had the feeling it was.

Envy snorted. "And how will you make me answer them, brat?" he demanded, sounding smug.

"We can't make you do anything," Ricky replied, sounding even smugger, "but we can leave you in that chair and not feed you or give you water or bathroom breaks."

"Apparently you don't know as much as you think you know, you little swine. I'm a Homunculus. I don't need any of that," Envy sneered.

"The rules have changed, Envy," Ricky shot back. I realized that he was seriously enjoying this and resisted the urge to smack either my forehead or his face. "The same element that rendered your powers useless has also rendered your body more or less human. Trapped in that chair, you're gonna need us to keep you from starving and peeing all over yourself. We'll gladly help you, as long as you answer our questions."

As Ricky spoke, Envy's face had changed from smug to disbelieving, to partially confused, to very briefly horrified before settling on predictable rage. "You had better be lying," he hissed.

"Nope," Ricky grinned. "Just wait and see. Your stomach'll be rumbling like nobody's business soon enough."

I couldn't help myself, and tugged on Ricky's arm. "How the hell would you know this?" I asked him in a low voice.

"Me and EdwardsWife researched it pretty extensively," he replied in an equally low voice.

I wished I hadn't asked.

"You...little..." Envy was shaking with anger. "I'll kill you!" he raged, lunging forward, or trying to. Ricky flinched but didn't move, but I jumped back.

However, the lunge did little more than to upset Envy's chair and land him facedown on the floor, still secured to it. He proceeded to use a long string of swear words, a few I'd never even heard of, and call us names that even sailors wouldn't dare use.

Ricky was the one to pull on my arm this time. "Come on," he said, pulling me towards the stairs. It wasn't too hard to get me to follow.

"Well?" Ricky said triumphantly once we were safely upstairs with the basement door locked. Envy's swear-a-thon was still audible, though well muffled through the door.

I sighed heavily. I didn't really know what to say. Logic insisted this was impossible, but I didn't think there was anyone in the world who could impersonate Envy so realistically. "I don't know," I finally mumbled.

"Oh, come on! You can't tell me you still believe that he's just a cosplayer!" Ricky exclaimed.

"I said I don't know. I'm not sure," I replied, rubbing my temples.

Ricky seemed to be satisfied with my indecision for now.

"Okay, let's say I believe that that's really Envy. Hypothetically. Then why, Ricky? Why Envy? Why not someone less violent, like Al or Ed or freaking Roy?" I demanded.

"I didn't pick him on purpose. That's who the chain letter gave me. EdwardsWife said that it would collide the worlds to best suit my needs or something," Ricky told me.

"That sounds sick and also stupid," I told him. I glanced at the clock, which Ricky had apparently reset, and saw that it was now 12:20.

"Oh, damn!" I exclaimed.

"What?" Ricky asked, looking concerned.

"Cassie's school got out at 12!" Since it was the last day before break, it was a half-day for her class. I dashed to the front door, grabbing the keys off the mail table as I did. Then I practically screeched to a halt, whirling back towards Ricky.

"Get him out of here!" I yelled, pointing in the general direction of the basement. "We can't have Cassie in here with a crazy Homunculus!" I was too worked up to even correct myself. If Mom somehow found out I was late in picking up Cassie...

Ricky blinked. "But he's trapped in the basement."

"I don't care! He needs to be gone before I get back with Cassie!" I threw open the front door.

"But—but Joey, where in the heck do I take him?" Ricky asked, sounding a little panicked.

"Don't know, don't care! How about the police station, or the psych ward, or the freaking park!" I raced to the car, flinging the door shut behind me.

Admittedly, I broke a couple traffic laws to get to the school as fast as possible. When I pulled up to the sidewalk, I saw Cassie standing there and waiting. I drove up next to her and leaned over to push open the passenger door.

"It's 12:30!" Cassie said pitifully as she climbed into the front, helping me to break another law.

"I know, sweetie, I'm sorry," I said sincerely. "Just some stuff happened at home."

Cassie let out a little sigh through her nose as she pulled the door shut and dutifully put on her seatbelt. "Jenna and Gina already left before me. I was all alone!"

"But I'm here now, and you're okay, so let's not speak of it again. Deal?" I suggested.

She eyed me.

"Starbucks?" I tried.

"Yes!" she agreed, her face lighting up. Fortunately I can bribe her with such things.

After another stop to Starbucks to get Cassie a hot chocolate and a muffin, we made it home. I sighed and climbed out of the car. Cassie got out on the other side, still telling me about her day around a mouthful of muffin. "And then, Mrs. Simon told us this story about this kid who didn't do any studying during summer break, and his brains rotted and fell out of his ear. I think she was joking," she went on as she followed me to the front door.

I had just pulled out my key when the front door flew open. It was Ricky, and he looked stressed. "He got his legs free!" he exclaimed.

"He's still here?!" I exclaimed, my voice practically going soprano.

A loud banging noise answered me.

Cassie stopped chewing. "Who's here?" she asked.

I whirled. "Um, Cassie, why don't you go and see if Natasha wants to play?" I suggested quickly, pointing to the neighbor's house.

"But I'm still in my school clothes," Cassie said, gesturing to her light blue shirt and navy plaid skirt.

"Oh, that's okay, you look so cute in it anyway, go play!"

BAM!

I flinched. "Go now, go, go! See if you can spend the night!" I practically shoved her towards the neighbor's house. Once she had started moving, I rounded on Ricky. "What the hell is he doing?" I demanded.

"Trying to knock the basement door down!" Ricky cried.

"Go kill him with your bat, stupid!" I ran into the house and dashed upstairs to my room, resisting the urge to flinch at the rhythmic banging that sounded like it was getting worse with each bang.

In my room, I threw open my dresser drawers. "Where is it, where is it," I muttered, rifling through clothes and small odds and ends.

Another bang. "Joey!" Ricky's panicked voice cried.

I found what I was looking for and, grabbing it in my hand, ran back downstairs as fast as I could. Ricky was hovering near the basement door, bat in hand, looking a lot less smug and a lot more scared out of his mind.

With a final bang, the door slammed open, revealing Envy. He had indeed gotten his legs free—I remembered with a pang that I had been the one to duct tape those—and strips of broken tape were dangling off them. He lunged into the room, his eyes bright with anger and also, evil triumph.

I didn't dare stop moving. As I raced forward, even as Ricky reared backwards and raised his bat wildly, I yanked off the top of my can of pepper spray, shook, pointed, and shot it in Envy's direction in about three seconds total.

Fortunately, I more or less hit the mark. Envy let out a bellow and fell back. Ricky hit him with the bat, knocking him back down the stairs. I slammed the door shut, and we both started piling furniture in front of it—small tables, chairs, a couple of lamps, an armchair, anything we could move quickly.

When we were finished bracing the door, we paused, both breathing heavily. Facing each other with wild looks in our eyes, we listened for any sounds that Envy was trying again.

Nothing.

"Do you think we killed him?" Ricky asked, voice cracking from stress.

"We could only be so lucky," I said roughly.

"W-What do we do?" he asked me.

"You're asking me?" I exclaimed. "This is all your fault! You're the crazy one who went off tampering with stupid supernatural chain letters!" When I looked back later and reflected on this whole thing, I realized that those very words marked the point where I began to believe we were dealing with the real Envy. It was too hard to keep being skeptical.

"But you're the oldest!" Ricky came back, with a logic that made me want to punch him.

"I didn't think I'd have to deal with anything like this! Dammit!" I fumed, shoving my fingers through my bangs to pull them away from my face.

"Um, guys?"

We both whirled and saw Cassie standing a few feet away, staring at us both like we were legally insane.

"You're supposed to be at Natasha's!" was the first thing out of my mouth.

Cassie sort of absently indicated her drink. "I can't bring drinks to her house." This was because of the Giant Bowl of Red Kool-Aid Incident from last year. Large amount of red Kool-Aid + light-colored carpet = a giant disaster.

"Who was that tied up guy?" she asked.

Ricky and I sort of froze for a moment. Then, Cassie spoke again. "He looked like that guy from that one show you guys watch. That evil one that wears girls' clothes and can look like other people."

"Um," Ricky said.

"Uh," I said.

"Why is he in our house?" Cassie asked. Being a six-year-old who still wholeheartedly believed in Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny, vampires, werewolves, the power to fly, and the idea that nothing is impossible, she didn't seem to have much a problem believing that it was indeed the real Envy in our basement.

Ricky swallowed. "I, uh, I kind of used a magic chain letter to bring Envy from Fullmetal Alchemist to our world," he said, sounding sheepish. "But it's okay, he's trapped in the basement now! He can't hurt us!"

Maybe Envy couldn't hurt us, but I could sure hurt Ricky.

Then, speaking the most profound thing anyone had said all day, Cassie exclaimed, "Are you crazy?!"

Chizi: Chapter 2 is done!

Zilo: And now we leave you all, to go write the next chapter!

Chizi: See you next time!