Disclaimer- Gilmore Girls and the characters associated with the show are not mine.

Chapter Twenty Three- Emily

I don't even know what I took at the party, but waking up in the hospital after getting your stomach pumped isn't fun. And that bitch social worker took Jessie again. "You'll get him back after you go through our new treatment program." Yeah sure. You bet. Right now, I'm just glad he isn't home. It's so nice not to have to worry about anyone else. Supposedly, Charlie burnt my boy with his cigarettes. I tried to tell the bitch it was splatter burns from hot oil, but she didn't buy it.

I do kinda wish Jessie wasn't the one who found me though. I guess he probably didn't need to see me jerking on the floor in some sort of crazy O.D. induced fit.

"Garret Mariano Gilmore-Danes! I'm always glad to see you, but shouldn't you be in class right now?" Emily said, opening her arms for a quick hug, as Garret eased his way into the room. Rory moved out of the way so Garret could get closer. Watching with tears in her eyes as Garret willingly went in for a hug.

"I'm fine Garret," Emily said, voice soothing. "Apparently I need to start watching my diet better. My dessert was too rich, and it didn't agree with me. Since I'd never had trouble before, I panicked. I guess for women extreme indigestion can feel like your heart. I'm only here now because my Doctor decided he might as well do a complete workup. Why don't you take Rory down to the cafeteria. She needs coffee and something to eat for lunch. Have you eaten?" Emily asked, and Garret shook his head no, still silent. Emily looked over at Jess.

"I ate lunch in the diner. I'm good," he said, ruffling Garret's hair, and receiving a sheepish grin in response.

"Richard! Take Rory and Garret out to get something to eat. Forget about the cafeteria. Take them someplace nice. You need to eat too," Emily added, squeezing Garret's hand, pulling him closer. "Take your Grandfather out of here, he needs a break. Jess will keep me company," she whispered. Garret leaned in and whispered a reply.

"Try to get Jess to go to the funeral, for Luke's sake. We should be there," he said, squeezing her hand lightly before glancing up at his grandfather and shrugging his shoulders. "Come on Grandpa, can't have you and Rory starving."

Knowing they couldn't argue with Emily and Garret, Richard kissed her cheek, and ushered Rory and Garret out of the room. Jess wandered over to sit in the chair next to Emily, and scrutinized her expression and demeanor carefully.

"You're not trying to put one over on us, are you Emily?" he asked, narrowing his eyes at her pale face.

"No, Richard needs to eat. He's exhausted. Once the last test results come back, and a nutritionist visits with me, I'll be discharged. I'm more concerned with you. Lorelai filled me in a little. It sounds as if Luke is stressing about coming home. He wants to be here for you, but Lorelai and Rory think he will regret not staying for the funeral."

"I know. I should go, for Luke. Everyone's telling me the same things. I just-" Jess trailed off, and Emily took his hand. "Do you want me to read to you, I brought a book," Jess added, uncomfortable.

"No, no. I'm not in the mood for fiction. I just want to sit and relax in your company. Tell me something true," Emily said. Jess tightened his fingers in hers, before letting go, and leaning back in the chair.

"Something true," Jess chuckled. "You don't ask a lot, do you? Something true. Jesus. I feel like my life has degenerated into a series of truths, half truths and wishes."

"Wishes? Let me hear your wishes," Emily said. Jess laughed out right.

"Are you putting yourself into the position of Fairy Godmother? I don't believe even Emily Gilmore can grant my wishes. Can you make my past disappear? Take away my fear? Make love enough? No Emily, let's not talk about my wishes. Something true you said... We had an uneasy truce, Liz and I. For Doula's sake, then she left Doula. But I never really forgave her. I didn't hate her. I never hated her."

"How could you? She gave birth to you, made you, and forged you in the fires of hell as it were. I'm sure there were good memories. Times when you felt loved, appreciated. Supported," Emily added.

"Not really. A few after she moved back to Stars Hollow with TJ. Mostly they included Doula. She was the glue. The reason to try. I wanted to be there for Doula, if Liz ever lost it. I was glad when Liz left TJ and Doula. I knew it would be better for Doula in the long run," Jess said, shrugging his shoulders.

"You're an excellent brother. You'll make a wonderful father."

"No, I don't think children are in the cards for me. There's too much which can go wrong. Too many dangers, too much evil. They can't be protected. Not really."

"How can you say that? You're a natural protector. You always have been. Besides, look at yourself with Garret, Doula… Yes, bad things can happen, and as a parent you do your best. The thing to remember is- your best is not your mother's best. It isn't Garret's mother's best. You are so much better than them, so much better than your father. Jess Mariano, there is no one I would trust more with my great grandchildren than you. Your desire to not make the same mistakes, your past, ensures from the get-go you will be better," Emily said, her voice strong and sure.

"It- thank you, Emily," Jess said, looking down at the floor again, instead of meeting her eyes. Unable to express the depth of his emotion at her belief in him.

"And as for your wishes… You can only learn to live with your past. It does no good to fight against it, or relive it, beating against the current, playing what if. At best, it can be ignored the way one ignores the unkindness of others, or inappropriate staring. You know it's there, you chose to let it be. Fear, well now, fear is a different matter entirely. Some people believe we need to embrace fear to vanquish it. Richard has taught me to believe it is a tool in our arsenal. It is a warning, and a guide. It is a problem to be solved. What do you fear? Once you dissect the answer to the question, you can figure out how to fix the issue. And for the last? You know about love. You fought to learn to love, to accept it. You are more familiar with love and its pitfalls than the rest of us. There's nothing I can tell you about love which you do not already know. Make love enough? Don't be obtuse. You know love is never enough in a relationship. There has to be the will to make it work. As your unofficial Fairy Godmother, I can't supply you with will. As Rory's grandmother, I can tell you I will hunt you to the ends of the earth if you don't reach deep and find it."

"I'm not planning on running. Huh. Will you say? It's so tied in with the fear, I guess I have to start there," Jess said, and Emily nodded.

"They are often tied together. You think about it while I rest my eyes," Emily said, relaxing down into her pillow, knowing Jess needed the quiet.

A/N- Did you like the added journal inserts? Does it bother you that one chapter doesn't have one, but has Jess's writing instead? The journal piece for this chapter I wrote several weeks ago, and then last week had my very own first seizure experience, which my daughter witnessed. Actually, she was the only one with me, and we were out of town, 400 miles from home. She was amazing, but admits to being terrified. I can't imagine how a little kid (picturing 8-9 years old) would handle it. Review, review, review!