Chizi: WHAT TOOK SO LONG?
Zilo: ...You know, you're a CO-WRITER. Which means half the fault is yours.
Chizi: Wha...oh, damn.
Zilo: So thanks to Pumpkin2Face, Im-Right-Behind-You, Just Leah, chiyochan, Jibbette, samgirl, Mimitalind, Koinu-chan, Pyromaniac Azula, Draconian Master, fictionalcharacterwish, Spade, and Cap'n BunBun for reviewing! And to answer some questions, Joey isn't based off either of us, since she's Irish, and I'm just black. And Chizi's an alien.
Chizi: HEY!
Zilo: I mean Asian. (hands chiyochan a "I Helped The Authoress With A Plot Point And I Didn't Know It" t-shirt)
Chizi: Anyway, here's Chapter 3, where the chaos gets ratcheted up to 11!

3: Mayhem
In which the house gets a makeover

EdwardsWife77: wow that sounds like an adventure
EdwardvsLelouch: yeah well, what do we do?
EdwardsWife77: umm...
EdwardsWife77: well is he secure now?
EdwardvsLelouch: I guess. He's trapped in the basement. He broke the lock but we put a bunch of heavy stuff in front of the door.
EdwardsWife77: well I guess just keep him there until u can send him back
EdwardsWife77: if u don't want 2 get 2 know him
EdwardvsLelouch: are you kidding me? OF COURSE we'll send him back! He's way too dangerous! Just tell us how
EdwardsWife77: well just use the chain letter again and that should do it. Tell ricky to just reverse the sending instructions hell know what I mean
EdwardvsLelouch: all right we're gonna do that right now
EdwardsWife77: are u SURE you don't

I closed the laptop, cutting off the conversation before I could read the rest of that psychopath's last plea. Get to know Envy? Only if I were a Mary Sue, safe from all harm. And I doubted that would happen anytime soon.

"So what does 'reverse the sending instructions' mean?" I asked Ricky, who was sitting crosslegged on my right.

Ricky held out his hands for the laptop, which I transferred to him. On my left, Cassie, seeing my knee was now free, immediately rested her chin on it. "Maybe we should call Mommy," she said.

"No, I can handle this," I said quickly. "All we have to do is send him back, and our problems are over. It's really simple."

Cassie looked doubtful. There's a reason that kid is about to skip second grade.

Ricky had re-opened the laptop and pulled up his e-mail account. He clicked through a few screens, then pointed. "Here it is. This is the reverse clause."

"The huh?" I said.

Ricky shifted the laptop so I could see. He was halfway scrolled down an e-mail titled "yer chainletter gl rick!1"

Return Policy

Are things not going well? Maybe that character you admired isn't adjusting too well to your life. Then the return policy is simple! Just fill out the return form, and forward the letter to yourself. And in a blink, your life will be normal and boring again!

Please note that the effects do not take place immediately. In case of a sudden crisis, begin the return policy as soon as possible and run for the nearest safe shelter.

"Are you serious?" I said, giving Ricky a look.

"Hey, I didn't know it would happen like this!" Ricky protested. He scrolled down to where the return form was, and started to fill it out. I leaned over to read the thing.

Return Form
Character: Envy
Anime: Fullmetal Alchemsit
Version: English dub

I frowned, noticing that Ricky had made a typo, changing "Fullmetal Alchemist" to "Fullmetal Alchemsit". I opened my mouth to point it out, but Ricky sent the e-mail off before I could.

"Hey, you had a typo," I told him. "That's not gonna mess it up, is it?"

"Of course not," Ricky said confidently.

I rolled my eyes.

"Now what?" Cassie asked.

"Now we wait for the power to go out again. That means Envy's gone," Ricky told her.

"And then we'll have learned a very important moral lesson about not screwing with supernatural stuff, won't we?" I said, glaring at Ricky.

"Yeah, yeah," Ricky said, dismissing me now that we had everything under control.

Just as I thought that, there was a loud BOOM on the other side of the basement door. The three of us all jumped and whirled. Some of the furniture we'd piled against the door fell away. We jumped up in alarm.

"Oh no!" Cassie exclaimed, cringing. There was another BOOM, and more stuff fell away.

"Dammit! Ricky, when does the return policy kick in?" I yelled as I rushed to brace the door.

Ricky started after me. "It should be any second now—"

Whatever else he said was lost to me, as a third and final BOOM sounded. The door flew open, the last few items sent sailing away. One of them, a lightweight end table, flew through the air and smacked right into me, knocking me flat on my back and causing me to bang my head on the floor. My head rang, and my vision darkened. I heard Cassie scream and Ricky cry out, and again wanted to club Ricky for bringing a homicidal maniac into the same house as a six-year-old.

The end table had nicely stayed on top of me, and now my throbbing head was distracting me. I couldn't see yet, but I could hear. And I could...sense a presence over me.

"Cassie! Run!" Ricky's voice yelled. I thought I heard corresponding footsteps, but I wasn't sure.

"You fools," Envy's voice sneered. Then, a moment later, "Oh, right. A lamp's going to protect you, you little twerp."

"How did you get out of the duct tape?" Ricky's breathless and scared voice demanded. My vision slowly started to clear, and I saw the presence I'd sensed standing over me, one foot on either side of my waist. My heart sank as my fears were confirmed. It was Envy, completely free, in our living room.

"Those are some pretty pathetic last words," Envy said, with that smug tone I'd thought was funny in the anime, but that now scared the daylights out of me. He stepped over me, and then I heard a few scuffling sounds, a thump, and Ricky's yell.

I shoved the end table off my legs and flipped over. My vision was still blurry, but I could make out shapes and colors. And it looked like Envy had Ricky pinned to the wall by his throat.

As the oldest child, it was up to me to save him.

I ignored the pounding of my head, chest, and back, and struggled to my knees. My vision finally fixed itself once I was upright. Ricky was trying to squirm out of Envy's grip. The furniture we'd propped against the door was spread all over the living room, some of it broken. Cassie was nowhere in sight, which was a relief. I picked up the very end table that had thrown me for a loop and rushed at Envy. Instead of hollering some witty one-liner, like they do on TV, I just brought the end table down on him as hard as I could. Envy saw me and dodged at the last second, but I still managed to hit his shoulder, which made his grip loosen enough for Ricky to break free. My brother fell to his knees, coughing, his hand around his throat.

"Keep your filthy hands off my brother, you bastard palm tree!" I yelled at Envy, still holding the end table in my hands.

Envy glared at me as he rubbed his shoulder. "You're gonna regret that, girl." He rushed at me. I raised the table, either to defend myself, or maybe to hit him, but his fist connected with my stomach and drove me back into the wall. I gasped in pain and accidentally dropped the table.

"Joey, no!" Ricky wheezed.

Envy grabbed my hair and yanked me forward. I saw one last shot to turn the tide and took it. I used that same momentum to throw myself forward, going for some sort of body slam maneuver. It worked, and I knocked us both to the ground.

It didn't last, though. Envy got his hand between us and shoved me off. I hit the ground at a fast roll, ramming into the side of the sofa. My poor injured head got another knock, and I cried out. Envy, meanwhile, got up, glaring at me. He reached down menacingly.

"Wait!" Ricky yelled. His voice sounded a lot less fearful, and had that stupid smug tone to it. It was enough to make Envy pause and look at him.

Ricky was standing upright, looking arrogant again. The skin of his neck was red, and would probably form bruises later, but he met Envy head on. "If you kill us, you'll never get back to where you belong!" he announced, like those words were the cure for cancer.

Envy and I both stared at him for a few moments. "Are you serious?" Envy finally said, sounding like he was about to laugh.

"Yes I am." Ricky held firm, though I could see his knees trembling. "If you hurt any of us anymore, you'll never get back home, ever. So you'd better quit, right now."

"You claim to know so much about me, yet you obviously don't realize that I don't respond well to threats," Envy said dangerously.

Ricky looked a little nervous, so I jumped in. "Then kill us," I said, sitting upright. Envy's gaze returned to me, and I saw Ricky giving me the same are-you-insane look I'd been giving him.

"Like I need your permission," Envy sneered.

"I mean it," I said, testing the back of my head. It stung when I touched it, so I pulled my hand away. "Kill us, right now. Then see how far you get in an unfamiliar world with no powers."

"I think I'd manage just fine," Envy said, sounding confident. But I saw—or maybe it was my imagination—a nervous dart of his eyes.

"Do you? Well then, give it a shot. But hey, do you know what a SWAT team is?" I asked him. "Or pepper spray? Tear gas? Beanbag bullets? Oh hey, do you know what lethal injection is?"

He glared at me.

"Go about things your usual destructive way, and you'll find out real quick. And without your fancy-schmancy powers to protect you from death and injury, I think you'll find out you're not as awesome as you think." I was swinging wildly into the dark at this point, hoping Envy didn't really take me up on my offer and kill us.

Envy examined me with eyes that made me flinch. "So what's your little proposal?" he finally said.

I heard Ricky breathe a sigh of relief, and then he took over. "Just stop destroying things, and we'll send you back," he said.

"Oh, I'm supposed to just believe you?" Envy snorted. "You two are the ones who strapped me to that chair, remember?"

"Yeah, but I don't want you here anymore than you do," I said, wincing as I stood up. My whole body felt like a giant bruise.

"So just stay calm, all right? And we promise we'll send you back," Ricky said.

"Or..." Envy said, with a sudden devilish glint in his eye.

I didn't like the sound of that "or", and started to back away from him. "Or what?" Ricky demanded.

"Or I can make you do what I want," Envy finished.

"No you can't!" Ricky yelled.

"Can't I?" With a horrible grin, Envy suddenly took off. I stared after him in confusion, then noticed the look of horror on Ricky's face. "What?" I demanded.

"He's—he's going after Cassie!" Ricky exclaimed.

Oh no.

I grabbed the nearest thing that could be used as a weapon—which was a fallen floor lamp—and raced after Envy. I hadn't seen where Cassie had run to, but Envy might have. And—the realization hit me like a punch—if he had her in his clutches, I'd do anything to keep her safe. And he could probably tell. God, why?

"Cassie!" I yelled as I pursued Envy up the stairs. He was faster, and not injured, so he was already at the top before I'd even made it halfway. Ricky passed me on the stairs, and I moved over to give him room. With his long legs, he might make it in time.

"CASSIE! RUN!" Ricky was yelling.

I wouldn't let Envy get his hands on Cassie. I wouldn't. I'd kill him myself if I had to, some way. My determination held me up where my strength failed me, and I pounded up the stairs. I had just managed to reach the top when I heard the sound of a door slam. Had Cassie hidden herself well? Was Ricky there yet? Why couldn't I be faster!

"Oh, Cassie!" I heard Envy said in a singsong that chilled my bones. "Come out, come out!"

I didn't hesitate when I reached the hall and ran for Cassie's room. Before I got there, the door opened, and Envy stepped out. My heart sank, then leapt again as I saw he was alone.

"Stay away from Cassie!" I yelled at him, brandishing the lamp in his direction.

Suddenly, Cassie's door blew outward. No, really it was more slammed open. Startled, I jumped back and tripped, landing on my butt and dropping the lamp. My eyes were locked on Envy, who was catapulted across the room and slammed into the opposite wall.

Behind me, a door opened. "Joey!" Ricky exclaimed, running to my side. "Did you find—"

He choked on his last word, and my eyes got huge. Standing in Cassie's doorway, barely able to stand up straight, was none other than Alphonse Elric.

"Al?" Ricky squeaked.

Envy got up slowly, one hand braced against the wall, the other working his jaw back and forth. "That hurt," he gritted. He whirled around, angry, and seemed to pause for a moment when he saw Al.

"Oh my God," I breathed. Then a small movement caught my eye, and I turned to see Cassie hiding behind Al. "Cassie!" I exclaimed.

She turned and saw me, and then squirmed between Al's leg and the wall and rushed to me. Envy, seeing her, struck out a hand, lightning-fast, but Al was faster, and his huge metal arm slammed into Envy's stomach, throwing him to the end of the hall, where he slammed into the mirror mounted on the linen closet's door, cracking it.

Cassie threw herself into my arms, and I hugged her tightly. "Are you okay?" I asked immediately.

"Uh huh," she said, sounding like she had been crying.

Ricky put a hand on each of our shoulders. "Cass, what happened?" he asked.

"I ran when you said. I hid in my room. I heard Envy coming, and so I used that thing you were talking about—"

"You took the laptop?" Ricky exclaimed, at the exact same time I exclaimed, "You used the chainletter?"

"—and Al showed up in my room," Cassie finished, ignoring our interruptions.

A crash made us all look up. Al and Envy were duking it out at the end of the hall. I winced when a kick from Envy was deflected into the ceiling, causing a chunk of plaster to fall down. Then I remembered what a mess the living room was. How in the world would I be able to fix it before Mom came home?

"What are we gonna do?" Cassie asked.

"We're gonna send Envy back, that's what!" I said. "And this time, we'll do it without typos!" I glared at Ricky as I said this, and he had the smarts to look embarrassed.

A snapping sounds and a yell made us look up again. Al had Envy in an armlock, and apparently Envy had broken something. Envy knelt on the floor, angry, but near immobilized by pain that wouldn't go away any time soon.

"Hold Cassie," I told Ricky, passing her off to him. He grabbed her as I stood up, wincing. "All right, Envy, knock it off! You lost, okay, so quit it before you break something else!"

"Don't order me around!" Envy gritted out. I could see him really struggling with the pain.

Al looked up and saw me at that point. "Is this your house?" he asked politely.

"Um...yeah. Hi. Joey Jones. Ricky. Cassie." I pointed to them as I introduced them. "Sorry if you're a little confused. My sister, uh...summoned you to keep Envy from getting to her."

"Oh. I don't quite understand what's going on, though," Al said, not having to work much at all to restrain Envy.

"That's understandable. We'll explain in a sec, but first, we've gotta secure Envy somewhere," I said.

Al looked down at Envy, who was trying to break free without moving his broken arm, which seemed near impossible.

"But where?" Ricky asked.

I pressed my lips together. The basement was probably out, considering the state of the door. Any place with a window was way too risky.

"The guest bathroom," I announced.

Whoever built this house must have foreseen that we would need a safe area to lock a wounded Homunculus in, for he or she had made the downstairs bathroom with an outside lock. I thanked that person and everyone in their family for making this day a little easier for us.

Envy had been re-secured with all the rest of the duct tape in the house, this time wrapped around his body until he resembled a mummy, and then deposited in the tub. He glared up at me and Ricky as we visually examined his new prison to make sure it was Envy-proof. Cassie was outside the bathroom with Al, as far away from danger as she could get.

Me being the caring soul I am, I was nice enough to splint Envy's busted arm between two broken pieces of broomstick before we'd wrapped him up. I don't know why I did, but maybe it was some residual fangirliness or something. Envy, of course, didn't say thank you.

"You think you've won?" he instead sneered at me as I followed Ricky out.

"Hell no," I replied, "but we're heading in the right direction. Just sit tight and shut up already, and you'll be home in no time."

I heard him snort as I turned off the light, pulled the door closed and, with another wave of thankfulness to the house builders, turned the lock.

When I looked up, I found everyone looking at me expectantly. "What?" I demanded.

"You said you would explain what's going on," Al pointed out. Ricky and Cassie nodded like bobbleheads.

I sighed. Of course they would make me do the awkward explaining. "Well, um...how to explain it right..." I stalled.

"Just tell him the truth," Ricky said.

I could have happily punched him in the throat. That was the last thing I needed to do! Explaining to Alphonse Elric that his whole existence was fiction and we had randomly sucked him out of his world with the power of technology he didn't even know existed was a one-way ticket to Disaster Town. I tried to convey that to Ricky with my eyes, but I think I just gave him a death glare.

"Well, you see..." As I tried to think of a gentle way to break the truth to Al, a new thought came to me. What if by telling him all of this, I somehow messed up the show? There was a term for that..."spoiling" or something. Yeah, what if giving Al this information somehow changed him? I didn't really want to derail the show. Man, why did this have to happen to me?

"Ricky, get the laptop," I finally said, resigned.

Ricky went over to the couch and picked up the laptop, which he'd recovered from under Cassie's bed. He handed it to me with an air of solemnity, and I repressed an urge to do more physical harm to my brother.

Al watched the exchange, and he looked at the laptop now in my hands. "What's that?" he asked.

"It's a laptop," I told him. Inwardly, I hope he wouldn't ask too many questions, but that hope was quickly dashed.

"Which is...?"

I heaved a sigh. "Well, it's sort of a piece of technology that you wouldn't be familiar with."

"Was it made with alchemy?" Al went on, sounding interested.

That gave me an idea.

"Yes!" I exclaimed. Ricky stared at me, knowing I was fibbing, and I gave him a keep-your-mouth-shut look. "It was. With some...advanced alchemy. Like reeeally advanced. Like, beyond the scope of your imagination advanced—"

"Is that how you transported me here?" Al interrupted my tower of babble.

"Uh...yes!"

Ricky looked queasy.

"Wow," Al said. "I've never heard of alchemy that can move people from one area to another."

"It's, uh, experimental. We didn't know if it would work, so we were taking it slow. But my idiot brother listened to some other idiot on the internet and—"

"The in-ter-net?" Al repeated, sounding out the word like it was foreign.

Oops. "Uh, yeah, I'll explain that later. Anyway, Ricky the Dumba—" I paused, remembering Cassie's presence "—uh, Dummy, tried it out too soon and dragged Envy here. So, long story short, my sis Cassie summoned you to protect her from Envy, like we said before." This was brilliant! Now I wouldn't have to go into a long story about the Gate and technology and all that.

Al sounded stunned when he finally responded. "Wow, that's really amazing. I had heard that there were unusual types of alchemy, but nothing like this!"

"Yeah, well, you know how that is," I said with a nervous laugh, suddenly having a feeling of dread. I was starting to remember how Ed and Al studied alchemy like crazy and always wanted to know everything about it. It dawned on me then that maybe I hadn't picked the right idea. Ricky looked like he had come to the same conclusion, and had a worried expression on his face. Cassie just looked confused.

"Can I ask you some questions about it?" Al asked.

Damn.

Chizi: Well, Zilo ran off to work on TSGTM, so I'll send you all off. See you next time, and eat your veggies!