A/N- Snow day equals a quicker update. Probably the only good thing about winter.
Disclaimer- Gilmore Girls and the characters associated with the show are not mine.
Chapter Twenty Six- Wednesday 2:00 PM- Family
I know he's mad at me, he's angry I'm here in Colorado, angry I left Doula, angry at the sight of Terry, angry because I gave in to myself. To my weakness. And the way he looks at me, he knows I thought about using yesterday. Somehow he knows! I could never put anything past my Jessie.
Garret decided he didn't like to fly, and it was the only time Jess had ever really seen him lose his cool. Of course, the decision to hate flying had been made mid takeoff, firmed up during some turbulence, and then cemented during a particularly rough landing. Rory swore it didn't get worse, and most flights were more enjoyable, but Garret wasn't buying it. Even the plethora of emotions and interesting people to sketch in the airport weren't enough to soothe Garret's ruffled demeanor, and the sight of Lorelai and Luke waiting at the exit had him running full tilt into their arms.
"Hey, hey! What's wrong?" Lorelai asked, hugging him tight.
"Garret isn't a fan of flying," Jess replied, trying to contain his smirk.
"Do I have feathers? Do you see wings? No. I'm not meant to fly," Garret replied, reluctantly letting Lorelai go.
"That will make your European tour problematic. Of course, a boat could be fun," Lorelai said, allowing herself to pull Garret back into her arms for a second hug.
"Unless you remember the Titanic," Luke deadpanned, pulling Garret out of Lorelai's arms into his own. A quick one armed hug and a hair tousle later and Garret was turned loose again.
"European tour? Did I know about this?" Garret asked, and Lorelai smiled.
"Emily has been chomping at the bit to take you to Europe. She figures she finally has someone who will enjoy hours upon hours spent in the art museums, and plans on taking full advantage. I believe the last conversation has you going to France for a month next summer. She wants to take you to one country every year," Lorelai said.
"Really? Cool! I'll need a passport and some good headphones. And a new sketch pad. I have to have a new sketch pad, probably two," Garret said, excited about the idea and completely forgetting the terror he felt on the plane. Detective Blake approached the group, shaking Jess's hand.
"If I drop by with a book, will you sign it for me?" he asked, and Jess smiled in response.
"Ah, now the truth comes out. You want an autograph to sell on e-bay. Yeah, actually, I wanted to see if you would meet me for a drink later. After I finish reading the notebooks. I have some questions already," Jess said. "And of course I'll sign my books for you."
"Sounds good. Your hotel has a restaurant bar combo. Let's meet at eight? Gives you time to check in, relax and finish reading. Gives me time to go buy new copies to sell on e- bay. Have to supplement my retirement pension somehow," Blake said with a smile. His stomach was no longer rumbling, and as he watched the group move off to a shuttle van, he basked in the sense of accomplishment he felt at bringing this family together. His job so often revolved around the dead, it was nice to help the living for a change. Deciding to swing into the office, he realized he was excited to go back to work and begin a new case.
Sitting in the hotel bar, Jess nursed a scotch in a corner booth. After landing, he'd spent the day finishing the notebooks and he wasn't sure how he felt. It wasn't often his own emotions were completely up in the air. Not anymore. Not since admitting to himself he loved Rory all those years ago. He generally ran on a pretty even keel. But now, now he was sitting here waiting for Blake to show, and he had to wonder- Did reading the notebooks help him or hurt him?
He hadn't learned anything new about her core personality, not really. He'd always known she was selfish, fucked up, and an addict. The fact she was an addict was screamed loud and clear throughout the journals. Even during her sober periods, she only succeeded in switching her addiction to something else. Candy, cigarettes, jewelry, a man. She never could just be, she always had to have something to focus on, to totally immerse herself in.
And it was never him. Or the babies. Or Doula.
Maybe the first baby, the little boy buried in Stars Hollow, taught her children were expendable.
Jess froze in the act of lifting his drink, hovering it off the table, eight inches from his mouth. The ice clinking as momentum carried it against the heavy glass. His thoughts swirled, echoing the liquid's movement.
She had been so young, so screwed up, so alone. Of course it had an impact, besides the obvious. Narrowing his eyes, he set his drink down and looked into its amber depths. The refraction of the tract lighting in the ice pulling his focus. She hadn't felt like she had value, like she mattered. And her child hadn't mattered. Hidden away, buried under someone else's name. So if you followed the path- children didn't matter. They were just there. There, but not part of her life, not really.
"You look like you just realized something important," Blake said, as he slid into the booth across from Jess. "Look who I found skulking around the lobby," he added, gesturing to Luke and a tall muscular man with floppy brown hair. Both hesitant and sheepish looking. Raising his eyebrows, Jess waved his hand, gesturing to Luke and the stranger to sit.
"I'm Bart and I'm glad you're here," Bart said, reaching across the table to shake Jess's hand. "What did you realize?" Jess stared at the guy. He thought about not answering, what right did this guy have to know his thoughts, but then he remembered his mother's words.
Bart is everything I could have dreamed for myself, if I'd been born someone else. I have to cut him loose before I ruin him.
"I realized Liz and I have very different views on the value of children, and their place in our lives," Jess replied. Luke looked confused, but Blake nodded.
"You always have, Luke let me read your memories of the babies. When you compare what you wrote, how you felt, with what she wrote, the difference is pretty obvious. You worried, cared, thought about the future, even as a child yourself. She just-"
"Existed. It's why she was so scared when she first found out she was pregnant with Doula, why she worked so hard at being involved. Doing things whole hog from the get go. There was a part of her which was terrified. I wonder what she thought when I told her she was she was going to be a good mom, and that she was in the best shape she'd ever been in?" Luke said, remembering the crazy day with T.J., in the bar, after Liz threw him out.
"She appreciated it, I'm sure," Bart said. "She talked about you and Jess a lot. How strong and centered you both were. She wished she had that, wanted to develop it. Wanted me to teach her. I thought…" Bart stopped, voice cracking, as he fiddled with the cardboard drink coaster.
"She wrote about you, about how nice you were. A knight of old. Chivalrous and kind, yet strong. She cared for you," Jess said, watching Bart shake his head no, evaluating the man in front of him. "Yeah, she did. She worried she'd ruin you. But I think, I think she may have been closer to being her true self with you. She did a lot of acting with T.J., trying to be the perfect wife and mother, with you, she was comfortable. At ease. She wrote about sitting on your deck, wrapped in a blanket, watching the sunset. Just sitting, not doing anything more. If she could have left the drugs alone," Jess trailed off.
"From what I read, and not knowing her other than her writing, I don't think she could have left the drugs alone. Not without completely removing herself. She would have had to lived where there was no opportunity, no connection. Like kids who want out of the gangs, they have to move completely away to make it work, and they can never go home. They get pulled back in to easily. I don't think she was strong enough, plus, she knew how to cook, so the opportunity was always there," Blake said.
"She'd quit using before, been clean," Luke said.
"But it was her fall back. If things got scary, she went right to an escape instead of dealing with the issue," Blake replied. Jess swirled his glass, and tilted his head.
"Except once. She was clean and sober. When she found out I was running with Ray, and sent me to live with Luke. She didn't go back to the drugs, or the booze. Once I was gone she was fine," Jess said. Blake shook his head.
"I disagree. She wrote about general stuff, her job, her friends, wondering how you were doing at Luke's. But then, even that tapered off. I think she went deep. At a guess, I'd say heroin again. We know she ended up in rehab, a year or so later, because she learned to make jewelry there. But we don't know for what she went for. She just started writing again when she met T.J.," Blake added.
"I'd like to think it would have worked between us, but I don't know. Something was broken deep within her, she was fragile, and beautiful, and angry. I wanted to take her away to my cabin, and heal her. Somehow," Bart said, running his fingers through his floppy bangs. The table was silent, as each thought about Bart's description. How true it was.
"So you said you had questions?" Blake asked Jess.
"Yeah. Some of it, you've already answered. What do I need to do about the baby girl? The one buried in someone else's grave? Are you going to bust her connection here? Were you watching her like she thought, or was it drug induced paranoia? Is there anything I need to be aware of if I publish her journals? Not sure I will, but as I read them, it seemed like they should be given weight. That her life should matter. Maybe copies made available in rehab libraries," Jess trailed off. Blake glanced around the table before answering. Bart looked confused, he didn't know about the babies, and Luke looked shocked and angry. Probably at the thought of Jess publishing the journals. Of making his sister's failings public.
"I think the little girl and her brother, where ever he might be, should be buried together. Maybe in Stars Hollow with the first child. You'll have to go to the cemetery and explain what happened. If they don't want to help, then go to the local coroner. It will take some research to find the graves, but as family, you should be able to move them. I can't comment on an ongoing case, but I will say to my knowledge, we were not watching her. Until the fire, she was not under investigation. I would ask you to consider waiting a couple of years before making the decision on publishing her book. And if you would touch base with me before doing so? Just to make sure we're not in the middle of a case. I understand you wanting to make her life mean something. I'm not sure her words are the best way to go about it," Blake said, before standing. He knew he was finished here, but he also knew this wasn't why Jess had wanted to see him. He'd spent the afternoon thinking about the conversational trends, and knew what to say next.
"Watching you today, on the plane with Garret, I remembered something we were talking about earlier. About raising kids. Despite the fact you were obviously chomping at the bit to read the notebooks, what did you do when Garret started to freak out? You put them aside. You closed them, and you focused on him. You talked him through it, steadying his breathing, and then side tracking him. When the little girl, sitting diagonally from you, started crying, you played peak-a-boo from behind the notebook with her. Catching her attention and giving her mom a chance to find the toy she had dropped. You don't have to worry about being a parent, Jess. You've been parenting other people's kids all your life. Now you have the money, and the knowhow, to parent your own. What you don't know, you can find out. You're ready." Nodding to the rest of the group, Blake smiled and walked out of the bar. Bart chuckled, then laughed out loud.
"Not sure what I've stepped in here, but I can add something your mother said one day. We were sitting out on my deck, watching the mist rise across the lake, and she talked about you. She talked about how you were more of a parent to her, than she ever was to you. She said the only thing she had ever done right was teach you to read, and even that you took off and finished on your own. She was so proud of you, of what you accomplished, despite her. She couldn't wait to see you as a father," Bart said. Luke nodded.
"Remember when you left, the first time? Part of it was you had let Rory and me down, but a bigger part of it was you loved her, and didn't know how to express it or admit it even to yourself. You ran from her because you didn't think you were good enough. You're doing the same thing now. You're running from the idea of a child because you don't think you're good enough, and you're scared of loving someone so much. Because you know, you know although you love Rory, it's nothing compared to what you will feel for a child. Right? Can you see your child's face, Jess? Have you pictured your children? Reading in the library, maybe?"
Jess leaned back in the booth, staring off into space. Everything Luke said was true. What they all had been saying was true, but it didn't change the way he felt inside. The inadequacy. But he was back to the basics. Could he ever leave Rory? Disappoint her? Was there ever any doubt on what he would chose or do? The real question was, would he resent her?
"I need to take a walk," he said, sliding out from the table.
"No. No you don't. What you need to do, is go upstairs and hold your wife. Hold her tight while you think through everything you've heard. You don't need to be alone right now, Jess. You shouldn't be alone," Luke said, putting his hand on Jess's arm, keeping him in place as Jess fought to shrug him off.
"Now guys, I really don't know what I stepped into here, but let's all relax, take a breath. And really, you probably shouldn't wander around here at night. I'm sure you can take care of yourself, but you have a beautiful wife, who's worried about you. It's a stressful time, let's not make it worse. You need to be in tiptop shape tomorrow. For yourself, for Garret," Bart trailed off at Jess's slow nod of agreement as he gathered his composure, and forced himself to relax. Shaking their hands, Bart headed home to prepare for the day ahead, and Luke accompanied Jess up to his room. Literally handing Jess off to Rory.
"Okay? What's that about?" Rory asked Jess as she shut the hotel door behind Luke.
"I expressed an interest in taking a walk. Luke's concerned I'm going to lose it and run off," Jess said, turning away to stare out the third floor hotel window.
"And are you? Going to lose it and run off?" Rory said from behind him, running her hands up Jess's tense back and across his shoulders. Taking her hands in his, he pulled her tighter against him, crossing her arms across his stomach.
"No. Not with you here holding me. I need you to keep holding me," Jess replied, bringing one of her hands up to his lips, speaking against her fingers.
"I will Jess. I need you too much to ever let you go. I'll hold onto you, and you hold onto me," Rory whispered, leaning up to run her lips across his neck.