A/N- This is it. You may find it unsatisfactory.

Disclaimer- Gilmore Girls and the characters associated with the show are not mine.

Chapter Twenty Seven- Thursday

I cried today. I cried for my lost babies. The ones I didn't know. I cried for the pain I put Jess through. I cried for the way I treated Doula the last time I saw her. Yelling at her to stop touching the beads. I cried for how disappointed Bart was going to be with me for not showing up. I cried, and then I picked up the drugs. I wish I could say I was able to put them away, and not use, but I can't. I'm weak. I'm weak, and I hate myself for it.

Sobbing echoed across the cemetery, as mourners returned to their vehicles. Jess had been surprised when T.J. appeared, without Doula, but wasn't surprised by the man's lack of composure as he cried. Lorelai patted him on the back, her arm around his shoulder, telling him it was okay to be upset, and angry. Luke shook his head and swallowed his own grief as T. J. wailed incoherently.

"Don't do it. Don't shut him down. Let him cry about how unfair it is Doula will grow up without a mother, even though you know the truth," Rory said, her hand squeezing Jess's tightly. "He doesn't get it, and he'll never get it."

"I'm not sure I get it. So many men really cared for her. Loved her. Jimmy called me this morning while you were in the shower. I think he was crying. He loved her once, is dealing with regrets. T.J. loved her, still does, and Bart… I think Bart may have loved her too. He cared for her at least. Worried about her, wanted to help her. And I…" Jess trailed off. Rory turned his face to hers, forcing him to meet her eyes, to hear what she had to say.

"You loved her, Jess. You did. A part of you loved her, and always will. It doesn't make you less of a person, it makes you more. And it doesn't mean you forgive her, or that you have to, because you don't. It doesn't make the love you felt for her any less. Children, no matter how terrible the parents are, instinctively love them. It's what you said when we first met Garret. Just because we don't understand, it doesn't mean the love doesn't exist. A part of him will always love his mother, you will always love yours. And you might never accept you do, but you do. I can see it."

"Huh, I'd like to argue with you, but I know you're right. But why then aren't I mourning her? I don't really feel anything right now. I'm not even angry," Jess asked, pulling Rory into his arms. Relishing her quiet strength. The thrumming sensation he always felt when holding her tight.

"Jess, you've been mourning her all week. You just did it your own way, in your own time."

"Come on brother, let's say goodbye to Bart. He needs to head back to his place for the gathering all those crazily dressed people are going to," Garret said, pulling on Jess's suit coat.

"Yeah, I'm not doing that. I'm not going to go and listen to her friends talk about how great she was," Jess said, turning towards where Bart was standing. Rory and Garret didn't say a word in response. They didn't blame him, and didn't want to go either. Although both secretly thought the jousting in Liz's honor sounded fun to watch.

"Are you sure you don't want to come to my place? There will be a roasted pig, and turkey legs. Plus lots of mead," Bart said, shaking Jess's hand goodbye. He knew this was it, but he was relieved Jess had attended the funeral.

"No, we'll head back to the hotel; we fly out early tomorrow morning. Thank you for doing this, arranging it. She would have liked it. We'll try to get T.J. out of your hair," Jess replied.

"No, don't worry about him. He's with me. I picked him up at the airport this morning, and will make sure he gets on his return flight. He's staying for a couple of days, before returning to Doula. Besides, you'll see him soon enough. I think he's planning on moving back to Stars Hollow with his daughter after Christmas. It was nice to meet you all. Get to know her family. And remember, the guest cabin is always available if you get writer's block and need a change of scenery," Bart added before going to retrieve T.J. and leave the cemetery.

After watching them drive away, Jess turned and slowly made his way back to his mother's grave. Standing still in the crisp November air, he stared across the raised mound of dirt to the tombstone. Part of his life was ending here, buried in the Colorado soil, in the lea of the Rockies, and he felt a piece of himself slide away. Rocked by the sense of letting part of himself go, he swayed, putting his hands on his knees to steady himself. Breathing in cold air, his lungs tight. Could it be so easy? Could her death be the catalyst? His head spun.

"Jess? What is it?" Lorelai asked, the first to reach him. Lorelai had been keeping an eye on Jess, waiting for him to break. He'd been too calm, too steady for her comfort.

"I think…" Jess tried to get the words out, past his gasping breaths.

"Breath Jess, in and out, slowly. You think what?" Lorelai asked, trying to get him to talk and relax. She was pretty sure he was close to hyperventilating. She'd seen Sookie do it enough times, she knew the signs.

"Mom! What's going on?" Rory asked, running up with Luke and Garret. Taking Jess into her arms, and holding him. He buried his nose in her hair, and slowed his breathing, matching it to hers. Relaxing in her scent.

"I don't know, Rory, I'm trying to figure it out. You think what, Jess?" Lorelai asked, taking Garret and Luke by the hands. Jess looked around at his family, the love they held for each other obvious in their actions. A feeling of contentment ran through him again. Pulling away from Rory, he looked at everyone, meeting their eyes, before turning back to his mother's grave. Stumbling over the words in his head. Knowing there really was only one thing left.

"I forgive her."

A/N- The End.