Zilo: We're back!
Chizi: And about time too. So, thanks to kasuki101, alexthegreat, KingOfHeartless, Koinu-chan, Akatsuki no Nami, Im-Right-Behind-You, Mindayuki, Azelf, Stitched-On Smiles, anonymous, Kaori Aida, cvopm and Anon for reviewing and waiting.
Zilo: And now, just for you, here's the next chapter!
8: The Talk
In which the kitchen table plays a large role
As I slowly calmed, I began to hear the others talking outside. "…our best bet is to uphold the temporary truce until we're able to get home," Al was saying.
"Hey, you're the one who attacked us when we were trying to leave," Envy commented.
"No, Envy, I think he's right," Lust said.
"Say whah?"
"Think about what we saw. We need answers."
"So? You think some fat brat's got the answers? We could go threaten anyone and get the info."
"Not while we're around." That was Ed.
"Besides, Joey and her family are the ones who brought us here. Maybe they're the only ones who can get us back," said Al, reasonable to the end.
"I can't believe you're actually considering this, any of you," Envy complained.
"Don't forget that car over there, Brother."
"Yeah, yeah."
"Well, Envy?" Lust said.
There was a very long, drawn-out sigh. "FINE, whatever," Envy said.
I smiled slightly into my arms. At least they would sort-of cooperate now. This hurdle had been cleared, without loss of life or serious injury. Now we could go back home.
Home. Where another summonee waited, most likely wanting an explanation. I was pretty sure I knew who it was, and that raised a whole lot more questions about what exactly was going on. As complicated as this already was, if I was right about our latest houseguest, then things were going to get ten times more so.
For once I kind of wanted to be wrong.
The sound of the van doors opening pulled me out of my reverie, and I looked up from the steering wheel to see Ed climbing into the passenger seat. Glancing back, I saw Envy giving the backseat a once-over, looking disgusted at it. Lust gave him a shove, and he grudgingly climbed in with her following, going to the back bench. Then Al crammed himself in, once again taking up all the space the middle bench had and even more.
I waited until Ed put on his seatbelt to start the van. I didn't particularly care if the Homunculi buckled up.
The ride home was silent, which I kind of liked. No nagging questions about what was going on, at least not yet. Everyone seemed preoccupied with staring out the window, looking for the reason for all the secrecy I guess. I focused on obeying all traffic laws except for the speed limit.
When we got home, I pulled into the driveway with a sigh of relief, nearly running over the van bench I'd taken out—and then nearly screamed bloody murder when I saw our next-door neighbor, Mrs. Wan, out on her porch, apparently enjoying the warm morning. I broke the silence with a string of "oh dammit dammit dammit dammit!"
"What?" Ed demanded, turning to look at me.
"It's Mrs. Wan! She's outside! She'll see you guys!" I groaned.
"You're worried about an old woman?" said Lust from somewhere behind Al.
"Taking care of her is a matter of seconds," Envy added from somewhere else behind Al.
"No!" Ed, Al, and I all shouted in unison. "Murder equals no trip home!" I added.
"Oh, just take all the fun out of it," Envy sighed.
"Dammit, dammit, dammit all. Okay, let's all remain calm," I began.
"Nobody's swearing up a storm except you," Ed pointed out.
"Shuddup! Let me think!" I thought hard for a few seconds. "All right, everyone get out on the left where she can't see. I'll go open the front door, and you guys get in as fast as you can. Got it?"
"I can't believe we're taking orders from some human," Envy said, sounding grumpy.
"That plan doesn't sound—" Ed started
"It's all we've got! Any evasive alchemy will catch her eye! Now please just do it, okay?"
Al opened the sliding door. "Even if I'm running, don't you think I might catch her eye?" he said.
"I'm hoping that if she asks I can convince her she's hallucinating," I answered.
"At least if she came up with good ideas…" Lust was saying to Envy.
I ignored them and opened my own door. I got out, and Ed climbed over the seats and got out after me. Al climbed out as well, making the van rock back and forth like a ship in a hurricane. Lust and Envy got out as well, thankfully. Phase One of my plan was complete.
Acting natural, I went up the front walk to the door, stuck the key in the lock, and opened the door wide. Then I discreetly motioned them over and saw at least two sets of eyes rolling. Al came over at a hurried trot, head bent low. Ed followed him at about the same pace. Lust and Envy obviously missed the memo about secrecy and urgency, as they walked up the walk like they owned it and went inside unhurriedly.
I saw Mrs. Wan leaning forward inquiringly and tried to get my key out of the lock so I could go in as well. You know how if you don't turn it enough in the lock, it can get stuck? Yeah, well, two guesses what happened then.
"Joey?" Mrs. Wan said. She's one of the few adults who doesn't call me Melissa.
"Oh, hi, Mrs. Wan! Just got back from church and whew! What a great sermon! But now I'm sooo hungry I've just got to eat lunch! Oh, and I invited over some friends too! Cosplayers and Goths!" I yelled cheerfully across the lawns, all while waging war with my stubborn key.
"Was that some sort of robot?" she went on, confused enough to apparently ignore my whole time-stalling routine.
"Nope! Just a new toy for Ricky! From Japan! You know how they have all that futuristic technology there! It walks and talks!" I finally got my key out. "Thanks for noticing! Bye!"
Mrs. Wan was half out of her chair, mouth forming another question, when I slammed the front door closed behind me. Just to be safe, I locked everything lockable, then tried the doorknob anyway. All locked. Safe.
Satisfied that I'd cleared another hurdle, I turned to face my latest challenge. Envy had already flopped down of the couch, and Lust was moving to join him. Ed was watching me, probably wondering about my mental state. Al was behind him but turned towards the kitchen, where Ricky and Cassie were just poking their heads out.
"You're home!" Cassie said cheerfully, like it was just another day.
Ricky looked worse. He had an anxious look on his face, and—my gut twisted—purple marks had formed on his neck. I remembered how Envy had abused Ricky's neck yesterday, though that seemed like it had happened months ago.
"Okay," I said, releasing the door and striding towards the kitchen. "Who is it?"
Cassie met me halfway and grabbed my hand to tug me along. Ricky swallowed and gestured for me to enter the kitchen. "Here, this is my sister Joey I told you about," he said to its other occupant.
I rounded the corner, and felt my stomach clench again. I hate it when I'm right but don't like it.
He sat peacefully at our kitchen table, hands folded on top of it. On either side of his hands, dirty plates and bowls rose in haphazard stacks. Several containers and bags, once full of different foods, lay empty on the nearest counter. He smiled at me, like I was entering his domain or something.
"Pleased to meet you," he said in his familiar self-assured tone. "I'm Ling Yao."
I could have said, "Hi, I'm Joey," or something similar. Instead, I said irritably, "I know, dammit," pulled out the chair across from him, and plunked down in it.
Ricky hovered over my shoulder worriedly. Cassie copied him and hovered over my other shoulder.
"So, your brother Ricky tells me you can explain how exactly I got here," Ling went on.
Of course he did. "Yeah, I guess I'm the one in charge here," I said.
Ed and Al had come to the kitchen entrance now. I tensed and waited.
"So who's this?" Ed asked.
I almost fainted. I was right again! And it was even worse this time!
"Ling Yao, nice to meet you," said Ling to them.
I squeezed my fingers together. "I would ask if you lived here also, but something seems different about you two…" Ling went on.
"Ricky, Cassie and I are the only original residents," I said shortly, my latest attack of near-panic making me snap a little. "You five are our…houseguests, for the time being, until we can coordinate sending you all back where you belong."
"And just where is this place, exactly?" Ling asked me.
I thought I felt Ed lean closer or something. And it almost felt like I could sense Lust and Envy listening in from the living room. Now's as good a time as any, I guess. "That's a long story," I said, "and I've been saying that a lot. Today I'm supposed to tell the whole thing." I turned to Ricky. "Did you turn that God-forsaken laptop off? I don't want more people popping up, and I have to explain this all over again."
"I took the battery out after Ling appeared," Ricky said.
I sighed, then my gaze landed on those bruises, and I felt some of my irritation leak away. It's hard to stay mad at your brother when looking at evidence that he barely survived being strangled.
"All right. Here's the deal." And consequences be damned, I added mentally. "I'm going to explain this as simply as I can. Feel free to react however—gasps, wide eyes, fainting in shock, whatever—but no questions until I'm done. Okay?"
"Sure," Ling agreed.
Ed and Al exchanged glances, then nodded at me.
"Whatever," Envy's voice floated lazily from the living room.
I took a deep breath. "Okay. Let's get the biggest thing out of the way first. Whatever year you're used to, here in this place, it's the year 2011."
Silence. Like, tomb-full-of-definitely-dead-bodies-and-dead-vermin-too silence. Ling's gaze sharpened, in that way it did whenever he was serious. I heard Al suck in a breath or something similar, but that was the only noise.
At least until Ed moved. Without a word, he came to the table, pulled out the chair between me and Ling, sat down, and shoved a pile of dishes out of his face. He was scowling big-time, his eyes fixed directly on me. Al came over to stand at his shoulder, looking at me. Cassie edged around to my other side, and I saw the reason: Lust and Envy had appeared in the kitchen entrance, both of them staring at me with laser-sharp gazes.
I had been expecting some incredulous looks or noises, and at least two people butting in to ask if I was crazy (despite my no-questions rule). I had not expected everyone in the house not related to me to stare at me like they all had heat vision and were trying to microwave my eyeballs. All the sudden attention made me nervous, and I impulsively propped my hands up on the table, so I could intertwine my fingers in front of my mouth. Something to hide behind, Gendo Ikari-style.
I felt Ricky put his hand on my shoulder, and glanced up to see him nod at me firmly. A show of solidarity. Cassie wound her fingers through my ponytail, her own miniature laser-gaze directed at Al.
Ling was the first one to speak. "Go on," he said, leaning forward with his chin propped on his hand.
Technically, that wasn't a question, so I couldn't reprimand him. "It's…the year 2011," I said again, faltering and trying to start back up. "So things are obviously very different from what you know. Technological advances and everything. Technology is what rules here, not…alchemy."
Did Ed flinch, or was that me? "Or alkahestry," I added, looking at Ling as I said this.
He frowned contemplatively.
"In fact, we don't really have any of that at all. We have things like…cell phones, which are like regular phones, but a lot smaller, and portable. And also laptops, which are like…like…typewriters with viewing screens instead of paper. And on those laptops, we have a network than enables us to connect with anyone in the world anywhere, almost instantly. We call it the internet."
Al seemed to perk a little at hearing the term again.
"With all the connecting going on, people like to have certain ways to do it. One of those ways is websites, which are, um…" I paused, trying to think of a good analogy.
"Like an interactive newspaper," Ricky blurted.
"Yeah, something like that. Only we don't just share news, we share pictures, videos, opinions, interests, and talk and stuff. So on one of these websites there's this bitch—"
"This girl," Ricky corrected.
"Using the term loosely," I went on, "there's this girl who…" I trailed off. I just realized, at that moment, that I hadn't explained the most important thing all along. "Who…knows…about you."
Ed's gaze was so close to a glare that it was only technically still a "gaze". Envy and Lust were already glaring, Al was blank as usual, and Ling was just watching me in this way that made me feel weird, like maybe how a hunter watches deer or something.
Cassie let go of my arm and hurried out of the kitchen. I barely noticed. "Okay, so there might be two long stories, actually," I stalled.
"We're listening," Ed said shortly, arms crossed.
Again, not technically a question, so I couldn't jump him. But my nerves were starting to gnaw a hole in my torso, which often makes me either angry or mindless.
"Do any of you believe in alternate universes?" I burst out.
Everyone looked surprised, even Ricky. Before anyone could answer, I plunged ahead. "Well, if not, change your mind, because here you are! Tada!" I spread my arms wide, indicating the kitchen and subsequently the whole world.
They stared at me some more.
"God, stop staring!" I snapped, reverting to angry-mindless mode. "Look, okay! This is an alternate universe! And here, none of you are real people! You're fictional characters in a poplar manga series and subsequently anime series, and you have fangirls! That's what the bitch is, a fangirl! And she convinced my brother to use this thing called a chainletter to drag you out of your fictional-to-us world! And believe me, I wasn't happy about it! But now the chain letter's gone berserk and keeps popping you people out like a chick without birth control! The end!" In a fume, I crossed my arms and glared at each of them in turn.
The glare-gazes had changed to openmouthed stares. Ricky was sporting an impressive one of his own. Al looked about as stunned as armor could look, which was surprisingly stunned, actually.
Ling seemed to recover first, his face becoming contemplative. Envy's eyes narrowed, like he was finally starting to think I had some screws loose. Lust started to look around, as if taking stock of everything again. Ed's widened eyes remained fixed on my face.
Again I exploded. "Don't stare at me, dammit!" I yelled at him. "I know it sounds insane! You think I don't know it sounds insane! You think I don't know I sound like a raving lunatic! Tough okra, pal, because that's the same thing I thought when this whole mess started! Welcome to my world!"
"Joey," Ricky said sharply.
I whirled to face him. "You want some, punk?" I half-snarled.
"Calm down!" he demanded, putting his other hand squarely on my shoulder and looking me in the eyes. I hate to admit it, but he had the air of the responsible older sibling soothing the volatile younger sibling at this point. "You're not helping our case by biting everyone's heads off! You've gotta stay calm!"
I didn't want to stay calm. I wanted to flip the table.
"Here," Cassie's voice said. She had returned to the kitchen at some point. I turned to see her handing one of my manga to Ed.
Ed took it, finally looking away from me to look at it. His eyes got even wider, if possible, and he actually gasped.
"What is it?" Al asked, bending over Ed's shoulder as the latter opened the manga.
"It's—it's us," Ed said hoarsely.
I realized that Cassie must have gotten the copy of the Fullmetal Alchemist manga, volume four, that I had borrowed from Ricky and left in the living room yesterday. Again, that felt like ages ago.
"It is," Al said, his tone somehow wondrous and strangled at the same time.
"What?" Envy said, actually sounding interested. He leaned over Ed's other shoulder to look. Lust leaned over Envy's shoulder in turn to have a look as well. "What the hell is this?" Envy said, sounding almost like he was talking to himself.
Ling was the only one who didn't look. He faced me, but his eyes seemed to be focused on my nose or something, maybe to avoid provoking my wrath. "Since you said 'the end' I assume we can ask questions," he said.
Now that my rant was over, I was almost exhausted. I nodded silently.
"Is it true?"
I blinked. At first it seemed like a silly question, but Ling's eyes met mine fully, and they pierced through me. It was like those three words had a million layers to them.
"It's true," I answered, sort of subdued.
Ling nodded once, then twice. "Fair enough." It was like the idea of me lying or being crazy wasn't an option. He just believed it. Or chose to believe it. It was at that moment that I had a feeling in my gut again, that maybe I should be wary around Ling. But wasn't he a good guy? What did I need to be worried about?
Ed finally slapped the manga shut, then started to massage the bridge of his nose. Envy plucked it out of Ed's hands and opened it again at a random page, and he and Lust started to look it over again.
As I watched them, my stomach continued to twist. As usual, after blowing up I was regretting it. This was a lot to swallow for anyone—except Ling I guess—and it felt like the long-term repercussions would be bad.
Also, I was sick and tired of all this sixth-sense crap I was going through today. I wanted it to quit.
"Next question. How can I have my bodyguards brought here?" Ling asked me.
I put my head down on the table.
"Joey—?" Ricky began.
"No," was my answer. I don't really know what I was saying no to, but I said it anyway. Ricky seemed to get whatever hidden message there was, because he left me alone.
"Guys?" he said hesitantly to the others. "I'll…if you've got any questions, I'll take 'em."
I have to hand it to my brother: he stammered and stumbled a lot, but he didn't back down from the onslaught of questions. Mostly it was Ed and Envy interrogating him, though Lust threw in a few for good measure. Ling and Al didn't participate; I guessed that Ling had no more questions and that Al didn't want to stress my brother out any more.
Ricky explained, in halting detail, all he could about the internet, the chainletter, EdwardsWife, and—most importantly—the revelation of fictionalization the FMA cast had just had. He piggybacked on my alternate-universe theory and threw out a rather intelligent observation of how the reverse could be true—how we and our whole world could be a work of fiction in theirs.
Meanwhile, I stayed with my head on the table like a dead body. Cassie had crawled under the table and was now sitting with her chin on my knees.
Finally, the questions seemed to wind down. Either Ricky had convinced them or they were just tired. Ed asked the next most important thing. "How are we going to get back?"
"I'm trying—we're trying to get the chainletter working again, so we can reverse everything and send you all home," Ricky explained. "It just that it's malfunctioned somehow, which is how there ended up being five of you instead of just one."
"And more?" Lust wanted to know.
"Um…hopefully you're it." Ricky sounded hopeful, too.
Someone—Ed, I think—heaved a sigh. "All right," Ed said. "This all still sounds really crazy, but…it's pretty elaborate to be a straight-out lie. And I guess there are a few things that add up to your explanation."
"But you idiots had better get that chain thing working, and soon," Envy warned.
"We're doing our best," Ricky insisted.
"Well, now that we know what's going on—sort of, anyway—maybe we can help," Al spoke up.
Ricky sounded hesitant when he replied. "Well, umm…I guess you guys could give it a shot. The more the merrier, maybe?"
I finally lifted my head from the table. Everyone seemed calm, at least, though Envy had his arms crossed, and so did Ed. I checked my watch and saw that it was already 3:00PM.
"Oh, it's way past lunchtime," I said randomly.
Everyone turned to look at me, like I had started talking about alien snail monsters or something. "It is?" Ricky said, looking bewildered and a little worn.
"Yep. I'll order pizza if everyone promises not to murder the pizza man," I said, pushing my chair back and standing up.
Envy sighed, like I was being ridiculous. "What's pizza?" Ling wanted to know.
"I'm sure you'll adore it." I glanced at my brother. "Rick, you look wiped. Why don't you take a nap? I'll take over." To be honest, I felt a little guilty for just giving up on handling the situation and leaving it up to Ricky.
"No, I'm fine," Ricky told me.
"Well if you won't nap can I take your nap?" Cassie asked from under the table.
Ricky and exchanged a glance and shared a worn smile. "Why don't you take Cassie upstairs, and if the urge hits you to conk out, just stay up there," I said to him.
"Are you sure you can handle everything without, y'know, exploding all over everything?"
"Yes, boss," I said sarcastically. "Just go on."
So Ricky got Cassie out from under the table and took her upstairs while I took out my cell to order pizza and prepared not to explode all over everything.
Chizi: What, no cliffhanger? I'm shocked.
Zilo: Hey! You're my co-author, you're supposed to be on my side!
Chizi: Meh. Chizi is on Chizi's side.
Zilo: You…meany-face!
Chizi: Ooooh, you got me! (sarcasm) Anyhow, see you guys next time, because it's far from over. The fun's juuust beginning, trust me!