Zilo: Oho! A little faster this time!

Chizi: Hopefully a continuing trend.

Zilo: Yep yep! So, thanks and candy to DarkmoonTenshioAzara, KingofHeartless, The Name Is Greed, Tailsdoll, Zorva, alchemical luminescence, Salamander B. Hat, AnAveragePerson, KW07, SilverMoonKitty, Takara Fujioka, Shinigami's-Neko-GakI, AbbyInUnderland, Supernovocaine, Owlgrrl, fictionalcharacterwish, and Moka-girl for reviewing! It's so awesome to hear reviewers' comments, concrit, praise, reactions, guesses, and random weird exclamations!

Chizi: Yeah okay don't go overboard. It's chapter time, folks.

11: Operation Midnight Madness
in which Mom is disappointed

I looked cautiously over my shoulder to see Riza eyeing me. "I swear I'm not holding them hostage with my evil teleportation powers," I said to her.

"It's all right, Lieutenant. She's partially at fault for us being here, but it wasn't on purpose," Roy added.

Thanks a lot, jerk, I thought.

Riza looked from me to him and back, then finally lowered the gun. My legs felt like jelly, and I gratefully lowered my aching arms. "So, um…like I said, wanna come in and hear the whole sordid, stupid, annoying story?" I invited.

"That sounds fairly ridiculous," Riza said.

"Yeah, well…" I shrugged.

"It is true," Ricky added.

Riza glanced at Roy. "I won't go so far as to say there's no other explanation, but as complicated as this one is, it does makes some things make more sense," Roy said.

"I saw Ed appear right in front of me," Al said helpfully.

"It's the only working option we've got right now," Ed put in.

Riza looked thoughtful, but still unsure.

"Hey, if you want to come up with another explanation, I don't care. I'd love to believe this was all an elaborate dream," I said.

"It still doesn't explain why…they are behaving so inoffensively," Riza said, indicating where Lust and Envy were once again in the living room.

"They're sort of being held under a truce. They don't break any commandments, and I don't strand them here in a foreign universe," I explained.

"And how long will that last?" Riza wanted to know.

"Hopefully long enough."

Riza looked skeptical. "I know, I know, it's not a perfect idea, but it's all I've got. And it's working for now," I said. I didn't mention the new set of problems that had cropped up, namely Mom being an elusive psychic, and that the universe-hopping seemed to be getting worse.

"Sir?" Riza said, looking again to Roy.

Roy shrugged. "It's all we've got for now."

Riza still looked unsure about it all, but she sighed and nodded.

I let out a sigh of relief. "Well, great. Welcome to the Jones household, population: way too many at the moment. I guess we should find you a place to sleep for the night."

"The living room's kinda full," Ricky said.

"Eh, that's fine, it's full of guys anyway. The lieutenant can sleep in Mom's room," I said.

"You sure?" Ricky asked me.

"Oh, totally. Besides, she's the only one out of this group I'd trust in there."

Roy looked like he wasn't sure if he should be offended at that moment. Ed just scowled, like he didn't appreciate it either way.

So, assimilating Riza into the ever-growing household was surprisingly easy. She was like a less violent version of Lust—she seemed most interested in observing and taking in all the sights, figuring everything out. After I showed her Mom's room, she went back downstairs to talk with Roy.

I'd already sent Ricky and Cassie to bed, though Cassie had insisted she wanted to sleep in my room again. After talking briefly to Al, who promised he'd keep an eye on everyone this time, I took myself and the laptop up to my room as well. My headache had gone away, which I was grateful for, and everyone seemed to be, if not getting along, at least tolerating each other's presence. It was actually going a little too well. So I steeled myself for something hideously terrible to happen.

And something hideously terrible did indeed happen. It was worse than more FMA characters popping up. Worse than me getting hit by a car. Worse, in fact, than that time Ricky got really sick and I was sure he had rabies and would die after infecting the rest of us.

Someone called me in the middle of the night and woke me up.

"What the hell do you want?" I mumbled into the phone, after I'd found it, fumbled it open, and stopped trying to talk into the wrong end.

"Joey." It was Ike.

"Dude, do you realize what time it is? I ought to kill you," I grumbled.

"I think your house is being watched," Ike said.

"…What?" I said, starting to wake up.

"I think your house is being watched," Ike said again.

I sat up a little more, and Cassie shifted against my side. "What do you mean? What gives you that idea?" I wanted to know.

"I'm not sure I—" There was a rustle, and what sounded like a voice, then silence. I pulled the phone away from my ear and saw that the connection had broken.

What the…hell?

Well, now that Ike had destroyed my field of dreams with the seeds of paranoia, I couldn't just turn over and go back to sleep. I rolled out of bed, being careful not to disturb Cassie, and got up.

My first move was to peek through my blinds. I don't know if I expected to see a giant neon sign pointing me towards my possible watcher, but nothing looked out of the ordinary on the street. Feeling irritated, I left my room, closing the door securely behind me.

I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but if someone was watching the house like Ike said, I needed to find out who and why. I was banking on the fact that Ike wouldn't call me in the middle of the night if it was just a stupid joke, but if it was, I would set him on fire the next time I saw him.

I threw on a hoodie and a pair of sweatpants over my nightshirt and quietly made my way down the stairs, going mostly by feel since no lights were on. It was quiet in the living room, which meant everyone was either asleep or dead. I could hear some breathing, and the sound of the clock ticking. It was so quiet and peaceful that for a moment I felt like the stress on me was easing up just a bit. Nothing like some good peace and quiet to help a person unwind a little.

"Well, you really don't blink, do you?" Envy's voice said, shattering my Zen feelings.

I headed for the living room, where his voice was coming from. He spoke again. "But then, I guess you can't, can you?"

"If you're trying to make me angry, it's not going to work," Al's voice said.

"Huh," Envy's voice sneered.

"Envy, stop wasting your time," Lust's voice said next.

"You know, it really is a shame you're stuck in that tin can," Envy's voice went on, ignoring Lust. "I'd love to knock you out right now, but I couldn't do that unless I killed you. Unfortunately, I'm supposed to be leaving you two alive. Lucky you."

"It's still not working," Al's voice said. "I promised Joey I'd keep an eye on you guys, and that's what I'm doing."

"Oh, come on, what's the harm? We're under that ridiculous truce just like you. We aren't doing anything," Envy's voice said.

"Right, I believe that."

"Envy, please. I'm getting a headache," Lust grumbled.

"What's this? And it's not going away?"

"If you'd be quiet, I'm sure it would."

There was a moment's silence.

"So, lost your powers then?" Ling's voice suddenly spoke.

"Oh shut it, stupid prince," Envy said, sounding a little too much like Ed for my comfort.

"Hmmm. That's very interesting," Ling said.

"You had better stop looking at me, or you'll regret it," Lust warned him.

"Oh, pardon me. I can't help but be curious," said Ling.

This was so weirdly normal that I almost laughed. Here were these guys who'd probably be trying to kill each other in a normal situation, sitting around talking like…well, not friends, but maybe disgruntled co-workers. And in my living room, of all things.

"Will you all shut up? I'm trying to sleep," Ed's sleepy voice grumbled.

"Sorry, Brother."

"Tough luck, pipsqueak."

"WHAT DID YOU CALL—"

"Hey! Keep it down!" I said, finally poking my head into the room. "There are people still asleep in the house."

Ed, who was lying on the air mattress pushed up against the couch, glared at me. So did Envy, who sat crosslegged on the floor, and Lust, who sat in the desk chair that used to be stationed by the bathroom. Al, sitting dutifully on the centrally-located couch, turned to me. "Did we wake you up?" he asked, sounding apologetic.

"Nah. It was my phone that did it. Actually…" I considered the group.

"Something wrong?" Ling asked from the armchair.

"Maybe, maybe not. Ike just called and told me someone's watching the house," I said.

"Really? How come?" Al asked.

"No idea. But I'll find out one way or another. I'm gonna canvass the neighborhood," I said firmly.

"You honestly think you'll find whoever this is, if there even is someone?" Envy said derisively.

"Damn straight. And then I'll break their legs."

"You're so violent," Lust commented, like an exasperated babysitter.

"Look who's talking," I muttered, heading for the pantry. I rifled through the odds and ends on the bottom shelf until I came up with the last working flashlight in the house.

"You're not going out there alone, are you?" Al asked.

"Well…no. I wasn't planning on it. Ummm…" I turned, realizing I'd been assuming I'd get some help and not even thinking if I should ask. "Ed, and…Ling, would you go with me?"

"Why him?" Ed asked, throwing back the covers and getting up. I was relieved to see he was automatically agreeing to go.

"Ling's good at sensing…aura-things, right, Ling?"

"Well yes, it is one of my many talents," Ling said, holding his chin in a rather arrogant pose.

I'm fairly sure I could hear Ed's eyes rolling in the dark as he located his coat and threw it on.

So Ling, Ed, and I left the house through the back door, while Al promised to hold down the fort. It was a fairly warm night with a little breeze, and the moon was almost full, shining down on us through a clear, cloudless sky, as stars twinkled all around it. It would have been an awesome night for stargazing, but there was a mission at hand.

"So what's the plan?" Ling whispered as he tiptoed after me in an exaggerated fashion, probably mocking the way I was tiptoeing in a slightly less exaggerated fashion.

"Split up, search, find the perp, interrogate him violently," I whispered back.

"Perp?" Ed repeated at a normal volume, walking beside us completely normally.

"Perpetrator. Villain. Asshole. Take your pick."

"Oh."

"Do you know where he might be in general?" Ling asked.

"Well, it's gotta be someplace where he can watch the house easily without being detected," I said.

"But this is a neighborhood. He could be in one of the houses," Ed pointed out.

"So we're going to break into one?" Ling asked.

"Uh…not if we can help it," I said. I hadn't gotten a criminal record yet, and I didn't want to start now.

"So you don't really have a plan," Ling guessed.

"Of course I do! I just told you we'd—"

"That doesn't help us find the guy," Ed said.

"Just shut up! You two are no help! I should've brought those crotchety Homunculi for all the assistance I'm getting!" I snapped, instead of admitting they had good points.

"Don't take being unprepared out on us," Ed shot back.

"Look, I'll go up and see what I can find, all right?" Ling sounded slightly exasperated, and when I turned around to see if he was, he was gone.

"The sneaky little bastard moves pretty fast," Ed commented, eyes on the sky. He'd probably seen Ling's departure.

"Yeah." I deflated slightly. I wasn't feeling too great now. I hadn't meant to snap at them, I just don't like admitting I'm wrong. It's not one of my strong points.

Ed glanced at me, then past me to the street. "Come on. Let's not let that dumb prince show us up."

I cracked a smile. "Aye aye. Let's go find us a perp."

We made it onto the street and started to explore the neighborhood. I realized I had absolutely no idea what I was looking for, but it felt good to be doing something other than trying to juggle the expanding household. It felt like I was on a real mission, and even though it wasn't likely anything would get accomplished, I was glad for it.

"See anything indicating a house-watching freak?" I asked after we'd circled the house and started to expand our perimeter.

"Nope. He's probably watching us run around in circles and laughing his ass off," Ed commented.

"Yeah. I hope he chokes on his chuckles, the jerk."

"So I found the guy," Ling said, dropping behind us.

I stopped abruptly, halfway into a turn with the flashlight brandished in my fist. "Holy shit, don't scare me like that, you little—!" I gasped.

"Where?" Ed asked, having recovered a little faster than me.

"He's on a neighboring rooftop porch. He's got a fancy telescope and everything," Ling said.

"Where?"

Ling pointed to the house across the street from mine. I felt dumb. That house was vacant, and currently had a For Sale sign in the yard. Why hadn't I thought of that?

"If he's watching, he knows we've found him," Ed said.

"Then let's rush the guy before he can get down. If we cover all the doors, he won't get away," I said, already starting towards the house at a jog.

"There's only two doors, front and back. It shouldn't be a problem," Ling said confidently.

"Good! And then it's answer time!"

We quickly reached the house, and Ed split from Ling and me to cover the back door. I tried the front door, but it was locked, so I tried the front windows. They were locked, but one hadn't been locked correctly, so with a little shoving and jiggling, I was able to get my fingers into a crack between window and sill. The window screeched in protest as I jammed it up, and I winced but kept going.

When the crack was just big enough, Ling slipped in easily. Inside, he unlocked the door, and I entered.

The house was empty and eerily quiet. I followed Ling, holding my flashlight like a weapon. Maybe this was the part where the horror movie monster appeared and jammed an ax in my face.

Fortunately, though, that didn't happen. We met Ed at the stairs. "Nobody in the back," he said.

"Then we've got the bastard cold!" I said triumphantly.

"As long as he didn't throw himself off the roof," Ling added.

We went upstairs. Ed and Ling were as quiet as ghosts, while it seemed like my feet found every single creak in the wood. "Okay," Ed said when we were at the top, "Joey, you guard the stairs. We'll check all the rooms. If you see the guy making a break for it, yell."

"Okay," I agreed.

Ed and Ling headed into different rooms, while I stood in the direct center of the top of the stairs, flashlight ready. The moon shone through all the bare windows, making it fairly easy to see, though there were shadows everywhere. I debated turning on my flashlight, trying to figure out if seeing better outweighed alerting the perp where I was.

In the end, I decided to keep my flashlight off and be as quiet as possible. Maybe, if the perp tried to make a run for it, I could surprise him.

And just as I was thinking this, I got the sudden feeling that someone was near me. I turned abruptly, my finger automatically moving to switch the flashlight on. I felt a pair of hands on my shoulders, and suddenly I was shoved backwards.

And yes, I was still standing at the top of the stairs with my back to them.

"Really, this is not good."

"Mom?" I thought-said, or maybe said-thought.

Dream Mom sighed. "Joey, you really should be more responsible. You should've taken charge and left one of the others to watch the stairs."

"Uh…sorry?" I tried.

I could feel, rather than see, Dream Mom shake her head. "Joey, you're not applying yourself properly. You keep letting others take over. You showed promise when you took charge in selecting the ones to join you, but then you just faltered. I hate to say it, but I'm disappointed."

"Well, maybe I'd 'take charge' some more if I knew what the hell was going on!" I burst out. "Mom, seriously, what's happening? All these FMA characters suddenly appearing? And you being all omniscient and secluded?"

"You know what to do. I raised you to be a leader," Dream Mom said. "And please, try to stop getting hurt. You only have seventeen more lives, understand?"

"Ugh! Even my DREAMS are confusing!" I complained. "I just want things back to normal! Is that so much to ask? Can I just get my house CLEARED OUT already?"

"Joey, don't say—"

I woke up.

I was lying at the bottom of the stairs, my feet still propped up on the last step. Other than a slight sense of disorientation at lying at the bottom of a flight of stairs, I felt perfectly fine. In fact, I felt slightly superhuman again, like I had when I'd gotten run over by that car.

Slowly, I pushed myself into a sitting position. My stupid flashlight was lying a few steps above me, broken. I realized that the light streaming through the windows was different as well, more orangey.

It took a second for it to click, but I realized that that was because the sun was coming up.

Quickly, I got to my feet. "Ed?" I called, no longer worried about secrecy and quiet. "Ling?"

No answer.

"Guys?" I ran back up the stairs that had failed to murder me. "Hey! Hey!" I went to the nearest door and threw it open. An empty bedroom greeted me.

"Ed! Ling! Where are you jerks!" I opened every door in that house and found no one. Getting madder, I stomped out of the house. Had they gone back to my place and just left me? Oh, I'll ream both of those buttheads if it's the last thing I do—

I crossed the street, getting madder with every step, and tried the front door. Locked. Of course, we'd gone through the back. Huffing like a pissed-off bull, I stalked around to the back and threw the back door open.

"Hey!" I shouted into the house. "What's the big idea?"

No response. My anger finally started to fizzle into confusion, and I went inside. I checked the living room first, where most of the FMA cast had been congregated. It was empty, blankets strewn, the air mattress lying slightly crooked on the floor.

"…Guys?" I started to feel the first stirrings of fear. I went running up the stairs and to Mom's room. The door was open. The bed looked slept in, but it was empty.

They're…gone?

I felt worry. And then, all of a sudden, it dawned on me: they were gone. They were back in the universe they belonged in. Ricky had probably started working on the chain letter again and finally gotten it to cooperate. I shouldn't be scared—I should be jumping for joy!

Feeling a grin spread across my face, I left Mom's room and ran to Ricky's. "Hey! Best little brother in the world! Did you finally do it?" I laughed as I opened his door. "I can't believe we finally—"

Ricky's room was empty.

My smile got stuck, as if unsure if it should take off. Slowly, I closed the door, then went to my room. Again, the bed looked slept in, but it was empty. I checked Cassie's room, but it was as vacant as the others.

Wait…but…

I ran back downstairs and started a thorough search. "Ricky! Cassie!" I yelled as I tore through room after room. I even checked in cupboards and under beds, like I was It in a demented game of Hide-and-Seek. But I found no one.

The FMA cast was gone, and so were my brother and sister.

I don't get this. Why are they gone too? What the hell is GOING ON?

My anger resurfaced, only twice as bad. I slammed the downstairs bathroom door closed. "GUYS!" I hollered. "THIS ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE!"

Nothing. The air fizzled after my bellow, but no one answered anywhere.

My chest heaving, I whirled, looking for something—someone—anyone—to blame. My fists bunched, and in a wave of fury, I punched the wall, leaving an actual mark and stinging my knuckles.

"GODDAMMIT!" I screamed.

Again, I tore through the house, throwing things left and right. I gave up calling names and instead screamed wordlessly like I was possessed. In Ricky's room, I spotted the laptop, and I grabbed it. I rushed to the stairs, lifted it over my head, and hurled it down with all my might. It bounced off several steps, parts and pieces flying.

"DAMMIT! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!" I screamed, possibly at the laptop.

The laptop lay in a pathetic heap at the bottom of the stairs, surrounded by fragments of itself that had broken off. The cord had snapped off and whipped a crack into the banister. I stared at it for a few moments and realized I had just broken it.

Oh my God…what's wrong with me?

I sat down on the stairs with a slump, still staring at the wreck I'd made of the laptop. Something else was building inside of me. I thought it was more anger, or maybe vomit, but it wasn't until my vision blurred that I realized it was tears.

Why is this happening to me? Why am I such a moron? Why couldn't this be a normal summer?

I propped my elbows on my knees, and let my chin sink into my hands. I stared at the blurry, rippling laptop, and decided not to think about anything for a while.

Chizi: So...angst time?

Zilo: Hey, don't count Joey out yet! There's much more to be developed!

Chizi: All right then, let's see it.

Zilo: Shall do! See you all next time!