Chizi: Well?

Zio: Grr... (pulls out lengthy list of excuses and draws breath)

Chizi: Nevermind. Many thanks to a blank space, Eryn Goddess Of Chaos, Tailsdoll123, Shinigami's-Neko-Gaki, Supernovocaine, SaiChanTheArtistGirl-Risa, reallyneedsanaccount, RawrznessWolf, DarkmoonTenshiAzara, noone (we say 7), Glitterthorn, Lorelei Rinoa, fjrend, LeFay Strent, Rokuchuchu, iGotchicOtaku, and Shadow for your reviews and patience.

Zilo: I was almost at that point...

Chizi: Yeah, yeah. Now here's another chapter.

12: Flunkout

In which a weird rank is introduced

I sat down on the stairs with a stump, still staring at the wreck I'd made of the laptop. Something else was building inside of me. I thought it was more anger, or maybe vomit, but it wasn't until my vision blurred that I realized it was tears.

Why is this happening to me? Why am I such a moron? Why couldn't this be a normal summer?

I propped my elbows on my knees, and let my chin sink into my hands. I stared at the blurry, rippling laptop, and decided not to think about anything for a while.

Eventually I got bored.

Okay. So the house is empty now. I get that. And I just Hulked the laptop to pieces. Fine. None of it's gonna get fixed with me sitting here like a wimp. So I stood up, brushed off my rear, and went downstairs. I looked down solemnly at the laptop, then picked up all the pieces I could find and, cradling them as best I could in my arms, headed for the basement.

I hadn't been down there since Envy popped up, and it looked as messy as usual. Things might have been a little rearranged from Envy's tantrums, but really, you couldn't top the original clutter. I set the busted laptop on the last clear spot on a worktable shoved into the corner and started to dig through the ancient electronics section of the basement. Eventually I unearthed it from underneath a broken treadmill and Cassie's old EZ Bake oven-the old family computer. It had eventually been deposited down here once it had gotten clogged up with viruses and lost its speed. Technically, I owned a laptop, but it was conveniently in the shop getting debugged.

I lugged the bulky monitor upstairs, the keyboard balanced on top. It took a second trip to drag up the heavy tower. I re-assembled it in the living room, settling down on the floor as it booted up.

I wasn't sure why everyone was gone, but the last course of action we'd planned was to get in touch with EdwardsWife77. Maybe she would have an idea what had happened. I could only guess that it was some sort of massive chainletter backfire that sucked them all up into Amestris. I hoped that the good guys would protect Ricky and Cassie until I could find a way to get them back.

As I waited for the desktop to finish loading, I went upstairs, took a quick shower, and changed into a black polo and khakis. I was combing the tangles out of my hair when I heard my cell go off with Mom's ringtone. I dropped my brush and grabbed my cell off its resting place on the toilet's tank. "Mom?" I said the second I flipped it open.

"Hi, sweetie, how's it going?" Mom said.

I had so many things I wanted to say to her that for a moment I just gaped, my brain clogged. "I know I promised not to nag, but I just wanted to make sure my fiery redhead was doing all right," Mom went on.

"M-Mom!" I finally managed. "I don't know how you knew everything, but everyone's gone! Ricky, Cassie, the FMA characters, everyone! I don't know what happened!"

Mom was silent.

"Do you know what I should do?" I asked her.

"Joey, sweetheart…what are you talking about?" Mom asked.

"What do you mean, 'what am I talking about'? The last time you called you knew all about the chainletters and everything, and you were all 'don't worry about Ricky passing out' and—"

"Wait, hold on. Who is Ricky?"

I was speechless. "Is this some new anime you're trying to tell me about? Because you know I'm not really into those…" Mom went on.

"Mom, I…are you on drugs? Ricky's my brother, your son," I told her, barely believing what I was hearing.

"Joey, I'm not sure what sort of game this is, but you're my only child."

Again, I was speechless.

Mom sighed, as if I was being silly. "Joey, I'm concerned. You haven't been…engaging in illegal activities, have you? Because I—"

"No, I'm not on drugs. I don't understand. I have a brother and sister—Ricky and Cassie. Hello, remember?"

"I don't know where you would get an idea like that."

I was pissed. "Why are you being crazy?" I yelled as I stomped out of my room and into Mom's. "There's a picture of the three of us right on your own damn night table—!"

I reached for the picture of us that Mom often forgot to dust, the one tilted towards her bed so she could look at our smiling faces last before going to sleep. Instead, my hand descended on a daily calendar, marked off to the day before Mom had left.

I paused, confused. Mom never moved that picture. "Did you move the picture of us?" I said.

"What picture?" Mom asked, sounding exasperated.

I whirled towards her vanity, where she had pictures of combinations of the three of us stuck into the frame. There was nothing but pictures of me. Even the ones of me with Ricky or Cassie were gone.

What the hell…?

"Joey?" Mom said.

I ran back to my room. Okay, maybe Mom had rearranged her room for some reason. But for sure I still had my pictures of my brother and sister. I flipped open my one photo album, which was sparsely populated with pictures and a few other scrapbook-like items such as ticket stubs and various nametags. The miscellaneous things were all there, but the only photo left was the one photo that hadn't had Ricky or Cassie in them—one of me and Ike putting peace-sign rabbit ears over each other's heads.

"I don't understand," I found myself saying, stunned.

"Joey? Are you okay?"

I ran to Ricky's room. How had I not noticed during my earlier tear-through of the house how Ricky's room had been changed to a motel room facsimile? All of Ricky's posters—anime, comic book, action movie—had disappeared off the walls. The bed, desk, and dresser were immaculate, liked no one lived there. Investigating Cassie's room yielded the same—no pink, no princess accessories, no Barbies, no sloppily-colored pictures.

I felt the urge to hurl. What was going on? How had I woken up in this alternate universe?

"Mom, what happened to Ricky and—why are these two rooms next to yours and mine empty?" I asked her.

"Joey, those are guest rooms, you know that."

"Why does a family of two need a 4-bedroom house?" I challenged.

"YOU were the one who wanted it. And we could afford it, so I thought—actually, that's enough. I'm not sure why you're playing this amnesia game, but I'm tired and I have a meeting soon. I'll call you back after dinner, and please don't start this again." I heard a click in my ear and stared at my phone in amazement.

Okay, WHAT THE HELL? This can't be right! I don't care what's going on, no one's gonna convince me that I dreamed up Cassie and Ricky and this whole shitstorm! I fumed. I headed downstairs and started looking for evidence of my brother and sister, but there really was none to be found. None of their possessions strewn around, no pictures of them, no articles of their clothing in the laundry room. The only evidence that I wasn't insane were the blankets and air mattress still in the living room. But Mom would probably tell me I'd had a wild party and let everyone sleep over or something like that.

I was starting to wonder if I was clinically insane when I heard a faint ding from the living room and, not recognizing the sound, went over to investigate. I poked my head in the living room and saw that an IM box had popped up on the computer.

EdwardsWife77: check ur treehouse

I blinked. I went to type something, but then "EdwardsWife77 has logged off" appeared under the line, and then the box itself vanished. I sat back on my heels and heaved a frustrated sigh. Now what?

Well, with a lack of anything else to do, I decided to hope that EdwardsWife77 wasn't leading me into a trap and went through the kitchen and out the sliding door, grabbing a skillet as protection along the way just in case.

The "treehouse" out back was more of a room made of wooden planks, held together by nails and duct tape, propped against our favorite tree and raised approximately three feet off the ground by more wooden planks and several painstakingly-chosen tree branches. The "door" was a sheet nailed into place over the lopsided opening.

I approached the treehouse cautiously, not knowing what to expect. I thought I heard a quiet voice, and then nothing. I decided to take the initiative and spoke first. "Hello? Is someone in there?"

Silence. I reached cautiously for the sheet, then jerked back in surprise when it was pushed back. I squinted to adjust my eyes to the darkness inside the treehouse, and realized I was squinting at Riza.

Honestly, I first felt a sense of relief when I laid eyes on her. It meant I wasn't crazy. But the relief quickly turned to concern when I realized she was slumped against the wall holding her side, added up two and two, and realized she was hurt. "Lieutenant, what happened?" I asked worriedly.

"Edward and the other boy came back from the investigation. They thought you'd returned here…" Riza winced, and the arm wrapped around her side tightened.

"And then?"

"We told them you hadn't, as far as we knew. Ricky had come downstairs, and we were discussing where you might have gone. Then the colonel said that he wondered if you hadn't been whisked off to some other test."

I blinked in confusion. "Some 'test'?" I repeated.

Riza nodded, then winced again. I realized I was being really inconsiderate and reached for her. "You're hurt. Let's get you inside and see what's up."

"Is the house empty?" she asked me.

I nodded. "Everyone's gone, and…my mom called and apparently she thinks I'm an only child and for a second I thought I was crazy," I blurted in a rush.

Riza seemed to consider this. "It looks like there's even more going on than any of us knew," she said. "One thing's for certain, though: the colonel was right about that woman."

"What woman?" I asked.

"Your mother." Riza looked regretful as she said this.

I shook my head slowly, not understanding—or maybe just really not wanting to. "Right about what? What do you mean?"

I helped Riza down from the treehouse and winced when I saw that the side of her uniform was stained with blood, all the way down to her knee. Riza noticed my gaze and spoke up. "There was a scuffle. Everyone was captured."

"What? But…by who?"

"Just listen. I think these are connected, because it wasn't too long after the colonel started explaining what your mother had told him on the phone that the men dressed in black arrived," Riza said.

I helped her towards the house, hanging on every word. This was starting to sound like a horrible action movie. "What did he say Mom said?"

"He said that she'd told him she knew of his tendency to take charge, considering he was used to leading people, but that this was your test, and if he interfered then there would be casualties."

I stopped walking. I was too busy staring at her. "Wait…what?" I exclaimed.

Riza nodded, wincing again at the movement. "And she told him if he told you or either of your siblings what she'd said, he'd put everyone in the house in danger."

No, really, it was like the worst kind of action movie. "But…but…why?" I managed.

"I don't know. That's all he was really able to say before the Ling boy said he sensed a malevolent force approaching the house. Once we knew something was happening, we went into action. I thought that with so many skilled fighters, we would be able to protect ourselves, but those men had weapons I've never seen."

Great. So armed men had busted into my house and…I really couldn't believe what I was hearing. Everyone in my house did exist, like I'd known, but they'd all been taken away by some stealthy group of bastards, except Riza. And somehow my mother was involved. Apparently my mother was evil.

"There's got to be some reason," I found myself saying. "Mom wouldn't be working for a bunch of kidnapping creeps. Maybe…maybe she…" I tried to come up with explanations, but I was still drowning in all the new information that suddenly painted my mother in a very unflattering light.

"But why would your mother try to convince you you're an only child?" Riza asked me as we reached the back door.

"I don't know," I said quietly, because I really didn't. What could be her motivations? Did she really believe what she'd said? Or did she send those guys to my house? But then, why kidnap her own kids and then pretend they didn't exist? And what the hell kind of test was she talking about to Roy? And why threaten him not to tell me? What's going on here?

I pulled open the back door with one hand. "Okay. Let's get you bandaged up, Lieutenant, then we'll try to sort this—"

Just then, I laid eyes on the figure in all black, wearing a face-concealing visor like some mook, standing in the kitchen. More importantly, I saw the rather wicked-looking gun in the guy's hand. Rita started, and I managed an, "Oh shit!" before he raised it and pointed it at us.

"Melissa Anastasia Tempest Jones," said the man, "you've failed your test, and as such, have forfeited all rights as a pending Manual Reconnaissance Youth."

"What are you talking about?" I demanded. "And who said you could use my full name?"

Before he could answer, I felt Riza's arm slide off my shoulder, then heard a click near my ear. "Drop it," Riza commanded the man, now aiming her own gun at him.

"You can shoot if you like, Lieutenant Hawkeye, but it won't do you much good," said the man.

Riza looked slightly surprised when I glanced at her. "He's got on a bulletproof vest," I told her, gritting my teeth, and though she wasn't familiar with the item, the name was enough to clue her in, and she too looked frustrated at this.

"Please step away from the character so she can be properly returned to her own dimension," the man said to me.

"My ass! First you'd better answer some questions!" I snapped at him. "Where's Ricky and Cassie? And everyone else? Why does my mom think I'm an only child? And what the hell is a Manual Rendezvous whatever-the-hell-you-said?"

"A Manual Reconnaissance Youth in charge of Summaries and Extraction," was the man's answer.

"Oh, great, smartass, just make it more confusing!" I shot back angrily.

"Lieutenant Hawkeye, lower your gun. Melissa, step away." The man was like the most annoying robot in the world.

Riza slowly lowered her gun, her gaze sharp. I wasn't going to move until the man-robot coughed up some more answers. Riza fortunately had a better plan, as she fired her gun anyway, hitting the man in the foot.

In a flash, the man had dropped his gun and himself, yelling in pain, and blood started to spread on the kitchen floor from his blasted foot. "How'd you think of that?" I asked Riza.

"Well you said it was a bulletproof vest, so I assumed it didn't cover his lower half," Riza said.

"Agh! You shot me!" the man growled, sounding a lot more human now, as he clutched his foot.

"Damn straight, asshole. Now answer me some questions." I was definitely mad at this moment, and didn't particularly care if he was hurt. In my mind, he definitely knew what had happened to my brother and sister and the others, and if he didn't fess up I'd be in Jack Bauer mode in a few moments.

"You can go to hell!" the man shouted at me.

"Don't screw with me, I'm pissed!" I shouted back, kicking him in the arm. "Now where did your goon squad take the others?"

"I'm not telling you!" the man yelled.

"Oh, don't bother with him. I know where they are."

Ling suddenly appeared in the back door, and I whirled, half-raising the skillet still in my hands. When I realized it was him, I lowered my hand. "Dammit Ling, stop doing that!"

"They didn't capture you?" Riza said in surprise.

"Of course not. I was too fast for them, even with their weird gadgets," Ling said confidently.

"You know where the others are?" I exclaimed, latching onto what was important.

Ling nodded. "It's not too far from here. I was considering breaking in, but then I came back to see if anyone was left. Good thing, too."

I nodded. "We're going there, right now, and we're getting answers." I glanced at Riza, then her side, and then reconsidered. "I mean, we'll bandage up the lieutenant, and then we'll go."

"If you've got any brains, you'll stay away."

I turned back to the man as he spoke, my anger simmering. "Believe me, Melissa Jones, they won't take kindly to you attempting to interfere with any processes, especially as a failed tester—"

"Go to hell!" I hollered, flinging the skillet at his head. It bounced off with an impressive CLANG, and even knocked him out.

"Maybe you should channel your temper into combat more often, the results are amazing," Ling commented.

"I'm about to. Come on, Lieutenant, let's raid the medicine cabinet in the bathroom, then we're getting in the van."

Riza told me she'd be fine after I'd wrapped half the bandages in the house around her waist. Considering her exploits in the series, and the fact that she was a hardened military officer, I didn't doubt that she could push through the pain. Ling told me through the bathroom door that the man had literally vanished off the floor, and I replied that I didn't give a rat's ass. It was probably much better for his health if he disappeared, anyway.

I dug around in Mom's room and found her stash of sock money and emergency credit card. Ling said that the place was only a few hours away, situated in a plot of land outside town, so I only packed one change of clothes and threw all the non-perishables from the kitchen into a duffel bag. I added the flashlight and the rest of the bandages and aspirin in the house. I wasn't sure what we would have to do to save everyone, so I wanted to be as ready as I could.

I stuffed the last of the things I'd packed in the trunk of the van and pulled it closed. "So you didn't see a single guard?" I was asking Ling.

"Not a one," Ling confirmed.

"That's either really awesome or really terrible for us," I said.

"If we don't know what the inside of this place looks like, how are we going to find out where the others are?" Riza asked me as we all climbed into the van, with her in the passenger seat.

"Honestly, I've got no idea. But we sure as hell can't take this lying down and wait for them to send more goons after us," I said.

Riza nodded at that. "Still, we should be careful. We don't know what they're fully capable of."

That was true. And we didn't even know if they were really holding the others. For all we knew, they'd all been sent back to FMA-land. But I doubted they'd send Ricky and Cassie there, so we still had a reason to storm their evil lair.

Ling suddenly looked to the left, his face intent. I turned as well, to see what was up, to see Ike at the driver's window, fist raised like he was about to knock.

I blinked, then rolled the window down. "Ike? Why are you here? Also, what the hell was with that phone call last night?"

"Sorry. I figured I'd help you how I could, but I sort of got caught. Anyway, I want to help you guys," Ike said.

"You want to help us storm the base? How?" I wanted to know.

Ike shrugged. "Well, I can give you insider information. I mean, I work there."

I stared at him. "You work for a shady organization that performs mass kidnappings in the middle of the night?"

"Yeah, something like that. But you should know what you're getting into," he said, already pulling open the driver-side back door and stepping in. "I mean, your mom works there too."

Once again, I stared at him. So it really IS connected. Oh God, my mom's a stereotypical movie villain. "So…you knew? You both knew what was happening?"

Ike looked embarrassed as he tucked some of his black hair behind an ear and adjusted his glasses, all nervous moves. "Yeah, but we're under contract not to discuss it. Obviously you're sort of wrapped up in this mess now, so I don't think you should be kept in the dark anymore. Your mom's…sort of in the higher ranks at the place. She's been working there since before you were born. All those trips you guys took, it was for them, your mom just kept it from you."

I was twisted around in the front seat, staring at him in disbelief. Riza and Ling watched us silently.

"So then…but…Ike, I don't get this. What is this all about? That ass back at the house said something about me failing a test and kept talking about Manual Whosie Whatsie whatever and—"

"Yeah. The Manual Reconnaissance Youth of Summaries and Extractions. You were sort of…supposed to be one."

"But what is it? And why?"

"It's a person who…you know, uses chain letters and goes places."

I swear I was trying to keep up with all this, but I really couldn't. Seriously, how is a person supposed to react to having all of this dumped in their lap before lunch?

"Wait, so—'goes places' like to Amestris?"

Riza looked startled at that.

Ike nodded. "And other anime dimensions."

"Look, I don't mean to interrupt this… very interesting conversation, but I don't think we want to wait around for someone else to show up and wave weapons around," Ling cut in.

I was snapped out of my confused stupor at this. "You're right. Um, left or right out of the driveway."

"Left."

I started the van and backed out. The van's middle seat was still propped against the garage door, and I almost wanted to laugh at how dumb it looked sitting there. Except my world was being repeatedly turned upside down, so I didn't feel like laughing as much as I did punching someone. Mom had always mentioned working for some vague company, I think, and said she didn't like to talk about work so much because she enjoyed what we wanted to talk about more. So was that because she had been lying to the three of us our whole lives? And Dad too?

"Wait, do you know if my dad knew about this? Or did Mom lie about it to him too?" I asked Ike.

"I don't know, Joey. I'm sorry." He sounded sorry too.

I drove in silence, still trying to digest this information and turn it into something that made sense. Ling would speak up at times to tell me which way to go, but other than that they all graciously left me to think. I didn't want to believe my mom was involved in some evil organization, as well as my best friend, but I couldn't figure out how this all made sense whether I believed it or not. So I was still stuck.

"Ike?" I said an hour into the drive.

"Yeah?"

"So does everyone run around talking about Manual Reconnaissance Young'un blah-blah-blah all the time? It's a damn mouthful." I was trying to find some sort of starting point, some way to make this understandable, and I'm not ashamed to admit I picked something really stupid and irrelevant.

"Manual Reconnaissance Youth in charge of Summaries and Extractions."

And why does everyone correct me about it?

"Yeah, it's pretty lengthy. Some people like to joke and use the acronym 'MaRYSuE' instead," Ike said.

Lovely. "Just tell me when to turn, Ling," I sighed, giving up on understanding for now.

Chizi: Until next time.

Zilo: See you sooner! Hopefully...