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Theme Four: I'll never forgive you.
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I don't mean these things I say to you.
I don't want to hurt you with my words. I don't want to be cold and bitter, because that's not me. You know that's not me, not who I want to be or ever was. I guess that even though the pain is gone and the scars are fading, they did something to me that can't be fixed in so quickly. Maybe the heart takes longer to mend. I don't know, Wayne, I'm not some fancy Southern belle in pretty clothes who thinks about romance all the time. I don't know why I am like I am.
I didn't mean it. I don't mean any of these things I say when I'm around you, I just can't believe what happened. I can't believe it even though every day I'm reminded of it, every time I sleep I dream about it. It's still so strange, so impossible to think that you would hurt me. I can't believe you let me down. It's not that I hate you, it's that I'm still in shock even now. I can't make sense of my world anymore.
You were my anchor. You were who I leaned on, who I fought for. I did the good things I did to help you, not to help the school. I wanted to see you smile. I loved you the best way I knew how, even if I never said those words to you or swooned into your arms. You were more than a crush, you were the reason the sky was blue and the sun rose in the morning. I loved you so much, and I was so dedicated, and I trusted you so deep down that I would have died for you. I nearly did.
And you weren't there for me. You wouldn't risk your job. You were scared. My world crashed down. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know who to trust. I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk again, I can tell you that much. I'll play it nice and safe and stay with my extended family where I know I won't be hurt again. I don't know what to think, if I should hate you or love you or what. I don't even know what I feel anymore.
When you came to the backwater woods where I live now, I was so scared. I cried. I shrieked. I didn't want to be hurt anymore. I've got such a broken heart that even though the pieces of it wanna love you, my brain couldn't let them because I don't want to break anymore. I'm so sorry it doesn't make sense. I don't mean all these things that tumble out of my mouth, not in my heart, it's just the fear talking.
That's why I slapped you and hollered, "I'll never forgive you!" before I took off like a bunny rabbit, back to my safe little hole.