Notes from GobHobblin: Thanks for the catch, Attila1987. I can never make out the color of her eyes in pictures. Updated and corrected.
In the month after the dental visit, Gendo had yet to feel completely at ease with Fuyutsuki. He kept waiting for the moment the ground would fall out, when the exasperation would win. And for all that concern, he did little to reduce the tension. He was snide. He was smart. He was…well…he was Gendo. Difficult to get along with, difficult to stand. He did little to allow others to close the distance to him.
Despite that, Fuyutsuki possessed the patience of a saint. He humored Gendo's bad behavior while not encouraging it. He presented Gendo with studying points, private tutoring sessions, engaging his impatiently sharp mind and distracting him from his other, more self-destructive tendencies. Fuyutsuki also proved to be a good conversationalist, able to keep pace with Gendo and still show him a thing or two about a thing or two. All topics, in fact. Fuyutsuki kept a range of interests and study habits.
"It's part and parcel of metaphysics," he would say, "The combination of hard science and the search for Truth. Truth cannot be quantified, or measured. It is subjective, a slave to each of us. Shaped by the facts we know and the prejudices we hold." Gendo still didn't buy a lot of it. Pseudoscience, he would say. And yet, Fuyutsuki convinced him to do his doctoral dissertation on the Theory of the Absolute Terror Field. Fuyutsuki had a persuasive way about his field of study.
As did Yui.
She occupied the same space, worked on the same theorems and ideas, while studying her own concepts on the 'primordial soup' that spawned all life on the Earth. It was an odd topic for a bio-engineer, and Gendo strongly suspected it had to do with Seele. He did not press the issue, but looked over her work with fascination, when she needed a second set of eyes to proofread what she had. Fascinating, but…surreal.
"I'm surprised you didn't study philosophy instead," he murmured one day, examining a theorized DNA combination that she had factored into her recent paper. It reminded him, slightly, of the Tree of Life. He had learned a lot concerning mystical symbols and concepts in his time with Fuyutsuki.
"Science is today's philosophy, standing in place of religion," she replied. They were in her apartment, during the late afternoon. The sliding door to the patio was wide open, and the sounds of life outside drifted in. Gendo sat at a small table. Yui was making tea. It all felt very domestic, he mused, trying to dissect the diagram. "Are you religious?" He glanced up.
"No," he said without hesitating. "I don't believe in God or gods."
"I do," she said. He raised an eyebrow. That felt surprising, coming from her. "Not in the traditional sense, of course, but I find myself compelled by the notion of an overriding power that has shaped our past. Our future. Perhaps we need an overriding power to steer it, or…preserve it."
"Create a god? Well…in the absence of divinity, humans will make their own."
"Hmm…something like that." A teacup appeared next to his elbow, a soft hand massaged the back of his neck. For a long time, neither said anything. The only sound heard in the apartment came from the shuffling of papers, the sound of people in the streets. The occasional breeze. "How did your mother die?" Yui finally asked.
"Um…there was a…fire. An accident," he mumbled, still focused on the papers. He remembered the half-image of a face, something so important and yet so painful. He buried the image. "I was young…maybe five. I was elsewhere at the time. I remember very little of it."
"And you grew up with your dad?"
Gendo cleared his throat. "I grew up despite my dad."
"You two didn't get along?"
"Still don't. He's a…difficult man." He turned in his seat, gazing up at her. "Why are you asking these questions?" Yui shrugged, and sat down in the chair next to him.
"I want to know why you are you," she said gently. "What made you…become like you are." Gendo gazed quietly at her for a moment, before turning away. He felt ashamed, and he didn't know why. He couldn't meet her eyes. "What is Seele to you?"
"I'm sorry?"
"It's a very private organization. Only a few hear about it, and what they hear is generally…inaccurate. I want to know why you want into it so badly." Gendo put down her notes, and traced little patterns on the table with his fingers.
"This world bears a great hole in it, a hole shaped like me," he said, slowly. "I've never fit into it. I don't have my place in the world, and I'm afraid that…I never will. I look at my father, and I say to myself, 'That's the man I am. That's what I'm going to be, and that's how I'll die,' and the thought terrifies me. I would give anything to impact this world. To touch it, to…move it." His fingers curled into themselves, impotent and nervous. "I simply want to exist."
"Why would Seele do that for you?" she asked.
"I couldn't tell you," he said, glancing at her. "I know that it is far-reaching, a scientific institution with a great net and many arms. I could have gone into politics, but that seemed…it's for the surface. The skin of life. Seele…that's the organs. The tissue. Where blood flows. That's…more fundamental."
"You may be disappointed in what you find," Yui said.
"I might," Gendo said. "I always knew that a might." Yui leaned over, and Gendo leaned in to meet her.
"No," she said, gently, stopping him just short. "Not yet." A wave of frustration washed over Gendo as she stood, caressing his cheek and heading back to her sink. He made a fist, and banged his hand on the table. She turned back and gave him a most unimpressed glare. "What on earth was that about?"
"A month of dating and the most we've done is…hold hands and kiss each other on the cheek." Yui blinked, and crossed her arms.
"Gendo Rokubungi, are you being a grump?"
"Yes, I am!" he snapped, harsher than he meant. She sighed, and walked back over to him. She placed both hands on his shoulders, gentle and reassuring.
"Patience is part of the whole deal," she said. "You need to learn patience."
"The whole deal?"
"I'm training you, Gendo," she said, smiling.
"Training me? To do what?"
"To be a good man, of course. And a good father." He swallowed in surprise and a bit of dismay at that, but the next words shook him even more. "And…" she gently picked his hand up, "To be the kind of man Seele would induct."
The next day, Gendo was the first to Fuyutsuki's office. Yui had a lecture she wanted to attend, otherwise it would have been her beating everyone else, as usual. He paused at the door. It was open, and the window had been broken. He made a face, instinctively knowing who had to be standing inside the room. Sneering, he pushed the door in, looking at the glass spread across the floor. He glanced up, spying the figure at the board.
The man inside wore a poorly fitted suit, as though it had belonged to someone else before him. Or maybe it had fit at one time, but didn't now. His hair was black, but flecked with gray, and his face lay patched in uneven stubble, as though he had started shaving but gave up halfway through. He looked like he had given up on life in general. Gendo hung his coat on a rack next to the door.
"I was wondering when you'd show up," the intruder murmured. He turned, and gave a snide grin. "I let myself in. The door was sticking."
"It was locked," Gendo said pointedly.
"Same difference," the man mumbled. He pointed at the board. "What is all this? Your work?"
"Fuyutsuki's work. He's the professor I work with, now."
"Must be a swell guy, to take up your time."
"He's all right, I suppose." Gendo entered the room, crossing his arms. "You need to leave."
"I just got here. Don't you…want to catch some lunch, or something?"
"I want you to go," Gendo stated, firmly. The man teetered for a moment, then kicked a chair. It skittered across the room before tipping and falling. Gendo didn't flinch. The man sloped towards him.
"Is it so hard for me to try and apologize? To try and make this up?"
"By breaking into my adviser's office?" Gendo retorted, incredulous. The man jabbed a finger into Gendo's chest.
"Now, you go off to school, you're too big for me, is that it? Big man on campus, no time for his father!" Gendo snarled, grabbing a handful of his father's shirt front. The smaller man did the same to Gendo. They were about to come to true blows when a soft, clear voice cut into the air.
"Good morning, Mr. Rokubungi." Both men stared hate into each other's eyes for a moment, before turning slowly to see who greeted them. Dr. Fuyutsuki hung his coat on the rack, before crossing to his desk. "I was speaking to the younger one, though I suppose the name could apply to you as well." He gestured to the older man. "I suggest you leave."
"I have a father's right to be here…to talk to my son…" The man shoved at Gendo, who shoved back. The two separated, continuing to glare at each other.
"Perhaps, but I don't think he wants to see you right now." Fuyutsuki picked up his phone. "I'm calling campus security now." He waited, letting the other man figure out his next move. Shifting from one foot to the next, the elder Rokubungi exited the office.
"Another time, Gendo," he said, cracking through the glass on the floor. Silence descended upon the office once more, oppressive and lingering.
"Are you okay?" Fuyutsuki asked, dialing something on his phone.
"I'm fine," Gendo lied. "Who are you calling?"
"Facilities, to see about replacing the window," Fuyutsuki said. "Hold that thought." Gendo turned back towards the board as Fuyutsuki spoke quietly on the phone. He studied the equation, absorbed the words. The Absolute Terror Field. The thought occurred to him, in that moment, that the intrinsic field which holds the human body, the contents of living matter, together was something more than merely a property of physics. The meta-physical elements of it came to him in a strange flash of insight, the fear of allowing one within the safe places of the field. Past the point of terminal terror…
Projecting the terminal of terror further out…was it possible that the AT Field could exist as something more than simply a theoretical model? He smirked. What foolishness. His time with Fuyutsuki had truly seduced him into the unprovable nether realms of non-science.
"I can't work with glass on the floor," Fuyutsuki snapped. Gendo turned, surprised at the sharp tone. The professor was smiling gently, however. "You were going to pay for breakfast that day I bailed you out of jail."
"Uh…" Gendo raised a hand almost defensively, his jaw hanging loose.
"Come on. Let's go get some coffee. Lock the door on the way out."
"He seems like a gentleman, your father."
"Sarcasm is not the best way to squeeze secrets from someone, Doc," Gendo grumbled. The campus coffee shop was empty at the moment, most of the customers in class. The two men were able to take a small table by the window, enjoying the warmth of the sunlight. Fuyutsuki watched the ice melting into his coffee, contrasting to the steam drifting from the surface of Gendo's cup. The younger man stared out of the window, studying the commons.
"I find it works with you," Fuyutsuki said. Gendo turned to give the man a baleful eye. "Well, Miss Ikari says that it does," Fuyutsuki admitted. "Though I think she has an advantage on wheedling you for information."
"Are you my adviser or my shrink?"
"Do you need a shrink?"
"I am scientist. I make of the world what I will," Gendo grumbled.
"You're not a scientist yet," Fuyutsuki said. "Though I admit you are starting to think more like a metaphysicist. 'I make of the world what I will…'"
"Ah," Gendo said, turning back to the window and laughing. "Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law."
"What restraints are there in such a worldview, other than the restraints that we impose upon ourselves?"
"Can the animal known as man truly live with restraint if he is to live in this world?" Gendo countered. "To survive the future? Evolution is not restraint, it's—"
"The precise model of restraint," Fuyutsuki interjected. "Evolution occurs due to the restraints the world foists upon organisms. It is by that restraint the viable organic model is achieved. Striving in opposition to it's restraints."
"Mmm…perhaps." Gendo leaned back. "Is it wrong, though, to use science in a way that furthers the human animal? Prepares it for the future in which it might not survive?"
"What an odd thought," Fuyutsuki replied. "I didn't know that you had such concerns for the welfare of humanity."
"I don't…well…not…it's hard to explain," Gendo sighed. Fuyutsuki didn't press him. He found that Gendo was a man of convictions, even he did not understand those convictions himself. It would take time for him to find what it was that drove him. He had the good sense to seek out Yui, at least. Even if it was for less-than-pure motives, there was wisdom in his actions, despite their purpose.
"I didn't always hate him," Gendo mumbled. Fuyutsuki squinted. Gendo closed his eyes, seeming to drift out and away from the coffee shop.
"Do you hate him now?"
"I…don't know," Gendo conceded. "I don't care for him. I don't want him anywhere near me."
"Hate is a very strong emotion to force upon another human being. Especially a blood relative," Fuyutsuki observed.
"Perhaps…" Gendo agreed. "I just…I'm very tired. Of…a lot of things." For a moment, just a moment, Gendo looked very small, and very young. It was a strange thing to Fuyutsuki, almost a trick of the light, but he could swear that he saw a boy sitting there. A skinny, almost girlish boy, unsure of himself, unsure of world. Unsure of the trust he could place in others. It was just a moment, and then there was Gendo yet again. The skulking, almost hunted look, not muscular, but worn and lean from the abuse that he had put himself through. That he had drawn upon himself.
"We have work to do, Gendo," Fuyutsuki said. "Let's finish up and head back. Miss Ikari should be done with the lecture soon, yes?"
"Yes," Gendo agreed. "I'd rather she didn't know my father was in town."
"My lips are sealed," Fuyutsuki said. They finished their coffee in silence, and returned to their studies.