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Theme Seven: I never lie.
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Sometimes I wish someone would just shut me off and fix me.
I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't know why I keep lying to everyone. I want to be a good person. My dream is to be a police officer and have a wife and kids. I know that's a simple dream, but I've ruined it. I can't tell the truth to save my life. I want to, I try to, and then I open my mouth and everything comes out all wrong.
People say loving too much isn't really a character flaw. That's nice, try living with it and get back to me. I know my mom's a jerk, okay? I know that when she hits me and my dad, that isn't right. I know I shouldn't put up with it. Then she starts crying and I run over to her to hold her and tell her it's okay. I tell my dad it's okay and I get him some ice. I try to make sure the next day that everything's perfect, the house is clean and we can be a normal family again. I don't want to see my mother cry. I don't want my parents to look so tired and worn out. I want everyone to be happy.
The school is counting on me to be perfect. They've had corrupt officials for so long they've forgotten what honesty and love are like. I have to be there for them. I have to be good and honest and hard working. I work over time. I'm the first to get there and the last to leave. I pick up people's shifts. I take on intimidating cases. I want to be the perfect knight in shining armor that they need. I want to be there for them, to help them remember what being led by a good person is like. The problem is I'm not good, and I know it. I'm just as dirty as the Patrol Sheriff before me, the difference is it's on the inside instead of on the outside. So what if I don't take bribes anymore? I still did, so I'll have to work hard to make sure people forget that and trust in me.
If they don't, I don't blame them. I chickened out on Emily. I failed her, and that hurts more than anything else I've ever done. She was my everything. Sweet, kind, loving, caring, touching, a good listener, and she even laughed at my jokes. She was my perfect match, a partner I could be friends with instantly and love easily. We were supposed to last forever. Everyone said so. I can't imagine life without her even though I live it every day.
So what do I do? Do I come clean with her about everything? Do I tell her how I feel, call the cops on my mom, go the school therapist with my problems? Of course not. I keep smiling and lying and joking until everyone goes back to their normal lives, not realizing that I'm crumbling a little more everyday. I talk a big game about honesty and integrity and hard work, but when I actually have to do it, I crumble under pressure. I am not a good man, not like I wish I were and not like I need to be. A better person would come clean about all of this. A bigger man than me would've chased after Emily instead of running home like a dog with its tail between its legs.
"Is all this stuff you're telling me true?" Fillmore asks, quirking an eyebrow at me. "You really don't know where Emily is or why she ran away?"
Here's a chance to be honest. But it would only cause more problems when he ends up trying to delve into the past and finds out what I did. It's better if he doesn't know. At least, it's better for me, and since I'm a dirty Patrol Sheriff, that's the route I take. Turning to him, I grin good heartedly, pulling my left sleeve down to hide the rings of bruises on my wrist.
"Of course it is, Fillmore. I never lie."