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Theme Nine: Of course we're friends.
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I want us to be like we used to be.
I want us to be close, the kind of closeness we used to had, that alluded words. The bond where we mouthed silent words to each other, instinctively knew what each other would like, took a single look at each other and knew what the other was feeling. I want to be able to say a random word like bubbles or tofu and make you laugh like you used to. I want you to ruffle my hair just to annoy me like you used to. I want what we had, because I didn't appreciate it until it was lost.
You're not just a crush, Emily, and I mean that with all sincerity. You're not just some best friend turned romance fling, some summer girlfriend. You're everything I need, everything I want, the person who I always needed. You saw through my lies and personas and got to know the real me, the real problems I had. No one knows me like you do, not even Fillmore. I loved you so easily, from the second I met you. It was so easy to love you, to talk to you, to open up and confide in you. I have never, ever felt a bond like that with anyone in my entire life.
You are the reason I get up every morning, the reason I'm out here in the middle of nowhere trying to talk to you. You're why I became Patrol Sheriff, why I stopped the insane regulations at school, why I do what I do. I've done everything that I can in the past few months to make the school a safe haven, a kind and loving place. The kind of place you would love. I did it for you. You're the candle that lights my flame, Emily.
Please just let me try to be like I used to be. I want to be your friend, and I'm trying my hardest to make up for everything. That's what the flowers and bird photography books are, my way of saying I am so, so sorry. I just want to start everything over. You've been so good to me ever since I met you. You took care of me like it was your duty, you trusted me like it was the most natural thing in the world and you looped your arm through mine every single time we walked together.
I let you down. Words will never convey how sorry I am, how awful I feel about everything. I know you don't mean those things you say to me when your eyes narrow and your voice drops. You're just angry and hurt. I'm hurting, too, but it's okay. I'm here now, and we can work it out. I don't know how, I don't know when, but we'll repair all the damage together. I won't let you stay defeated and broken like this. I love you too much, and I already hurt you once.
I'm here now, Emily, and I'm never leaving you again.
"Of course we're friends," I tell Emily's Papa, looping my arm through hers. She leans back into me, instinctively, though her eyes are wary and her body is tense. "We've always been buddies."