This isn't where I meant to lay down
But you dug this grave
Fits me perfectly

And if you're asking if I'm over love
You're a fool to believe
That you gave me some

-Black and blue, Christina Perri

Chapter 4: When she's afraid

I never feared getting out of bed and facing the day. Even when Sam broke up with me, I got up, dressed up, showed up and bitched about him the whole day.

But today I wish I could stay in bed. I don't wanna be there when my dad's lifeless body is lowered to the ground.

It's just too hard to say goodbye to him. And I feel myself starting to vibrate again. But no, I am never losing my temper again. I learned my lesson the first time. So I took deep breathes to calm myself.

I know he's gone, but burying him? I don't have the heart to do that. If anyone who knew me heard this, would probably be surprised that I have a heart but my dad is one of the few people I loved with everything I had. And burying him and walking away, leaving him alone in the graveyard- I don't think I can do that. I am just afraid I am gonna hug the tombstone and cry all day.

But you gotta do what you gotta do.

I jumped off the bed in one swift movement and headed to kitchen. There were people everywhere in my house, talking in the phone, consoling the weeping ones, eating, watching TV and honestly I felt like that boy Kevin in the first few minutes of home alone. I had to maneuver myself cautiously so that I won't knock out any old people by bumping into them.

I went to kitchen and made myself an orange juice. I remember yesterday after that little monologue in my room, I came here and had a long long conservation with my mom, brother and Jared. It was pretty much about how stuff works when you are a werewolf: you should never let your temper take over you because consequences could be disastrous( yeah I have a first hand knowledge of that), then there's this super-human hearing, solid strength, keen eyesight, higher body temperature like 108 degrees and that I must do my best to not have the slightest contact with human lest they'd start questioning about my feverish temperature, inhuman hunger and all of this should be kept a secret from all the humans. Phew.

My mom can know because she's in the council or something- you know like that Jedi in star wars. Oh, and Emily can know too, because of that magic bullshit. I have to remember to ask more about this to my mom later.

This day couldn't be any more gloomier, the skies were pouring, a storm was ahead and if I were a normal human I'd be shivering in cold even in my populated living room.

I couldn't help myself and finish the whole orange juice can and then went on to have some beagles that were already made in massive amount and were kept on our kitchen counter.

When I finished about half of the volume, my brother came downstairs with puffy eyes and bed hair.

And for the first time after many years, I felt something I have never felt for a long time: Fear. When I needed my dad he was always there and I never had to fear anything. I mean when I punched a guy who tried to kiss me in a play ground when I was eleven , my dad backed me up when my mom went furious on my ass. He took me fishing, he made me realize that simplest things in life are the ones that become memories in time, he was there my whole teenage; the age where you think you could handle everything, mess it up and would need both your parents but wouldn't ask for them though.

Who is gonna be there for Seth? I mean I ain't going anywhere but would that be enough for him? He's gonna need him sometime or the other right? What I am gonna do then?

I have never done this before but I went and gave him a good morning hug. He was stunned- damn even I was surprised that I did that- he smiled back and we both took seats near the kitchen counter and finished the remaining half of the beagles.

And the next thing I know is I'm in graveyard and my mom, my brother and at least a fifty people clad in black and carrying black umbrellas has gathered around my dad's tombstone to bid goodbye to him.

Tears were threatening to fall but we Clearwaters are stronger than that and not even one of us broke down in front of everybody.

The memorial was a drag because all I wanted to do was go back to my room and cry the hell out of my eyes. But it's not everyday you bury your father and say him goodbye, so I managed to push myself through the whole event.

When we got back home it was as quiet as the graveyard was.

All of us went to our room, probably to mourn in silence but that's just what today is about.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will distracted from this void in my heart where my love for my dad had been.

And I am not going to go about complaining about how bad my life is. Those who complain want to be pitied. I don't want to be pitied. I want to be strong.

Okay I know I am damn late in posting this chapter and I am terribly sorry for the delay. Please don't hate!

Next chap coming soon... Pinky promise!

-Ceci :-*