- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Theme Ten: I'm not afraid.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I want this, too, Wayne.
I know we can't have our old lives back. I know we can't be like we used to be. I'll never be quite like I used to be, and you'll never be just like the Wayne I used to know. It's going to be hard to gain back everything that we used to have. It'll take a long time. Trust is the hardest thing in the world to earn, and the easiest thing on Earth to lose. We won't just snap back into being best friends. We'll have to work at it.
I still want it. I want my buddy Wayne back. I want to hold you while you tell me all those secrets you hide behind those chestnut colored eyes. I want to hear your soft, charming laughter as we sit around laughing over everything and anything, tragic and funny and silly. I know I said some things I didn't mean. I know I hurt you. I cut you, using my tongue like a knife and my brain like venom, and I thought I meant it. I've been so lost and confused without it. I can't live my life without you anymore than I could live it with you.
If you can forgive me, I can forgive you. If you can ignore those hurtful things I said, I'll ignore the time you hurt me. If your parents can accept that I'm in your life again, my Papa and Nana can accept you staying with us for a while. We can do this, if you'll give me an inch for an inch, a truth for a truth. It won't be easy, but we can do this, I know we can. We can because I love you and you love me, so even if it's hard, we're going to rebuild this wrecked thing we call our relationship.
I'm just a country girl. I don't know anything about relationships. I don't know what to do. I know only what I want to do, and that's to love you unconditionally, despite everything that's happened. You're still my best friend, the person I trust on sight, the one person I clicked with right away. I want to hug you, loop our arms together, love on you like we never had a problem. I want to be your girl, and you'd be my guy, and we'd go on hayrides together and stare at the stars at night and talk about everything we could think of. We could be what we used to be, Wayne. Even if it took a while, I'm confident that with time we could be the inseparable best friends we used to be, if we tried hard enough. A part of me really wants that.
Then there's the part of me that screams no, that I'm a fool. There's a part of me that says I shouldn't, couldn't, and won't ever trust you again. How can I trust you when I think everyone's lying to me, when I don't even trust myself to be honest? I can't trust in anyone or anything. I don't believe in goodness and love like I used to. I view these things as good but I view them from a distance. I still haven't made any friends. I can't. I try and then I realize they're just replacements for you and remember how bad that turned out and I can't. I just can't. I want to live life, I really do. I want to be part of the real world again, with friends, family and a boy that loves me. I want what we used to have so badly it hurts like a void inside me.
I just don't want any more hurt from you. But I don't want to say that and ruin what little we've rebuilt, so I take your hand, looping our arms (it feels as right as breathing) and lay my head on your shoulder. You ask if I'm nervous about you, me, we, us.
My mouth moves independent of my heart, which hammers in my chest. "I'm not afraid."