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Theme Thirteen: There's no one else I'd rather be with.
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I am my own worst enemy.
I am the reason things don't work out. Especially in relationships. I thought Emily and I had gotten better, I thought I could step back in time and make us like we used to be. I thought maybe I could take her by the hand, lead her back to our old school and our lives would just magically resume their old course. I wanted to relive that brief golden time when I was younger and in love and hadn't hurt her yet. I wanted it so bad I guess I messed up again.
Things aren't like before. I have a lot of responsibility, paperwork, meet and greets, and I'm forever on some cold case or an old, mishandled case trying to right the wrongs of my predecessor. I want to fix the school's bad past, I say, and Emily turns to me, annoyed, and asks but what of the present. She is an enforcer of rules, robotic and unsympathetic, unable to be bribed but also unable to be moved. Her job doesn't take up very much of her time. Her job is just that to her, now, a job. A duty. Not a fun thing, not something she does out of passion, just a part of life. Meanwhile I'm too busy running around the school to even notice when she takes days off and spends them staring at the ceiling of her room listening to the same song on a loop for hours.
This is my fault. I should have realized that there is no stepping back in time. The past can't be repeated. I can't make our lives like they used to be because we're two different people now. We've both changed so much that some people don't even recognize her and everyone knows my name. No one sees any love between us. Maybe there isn't any. I think there was still a spark there, but I've let it die, and now I think there's no getting things back to normal. I can only blame myself. Maybe if I'd stayed with her in the hills and given her way of life a chance we wouldn't be here. Maybe if we'd gone our separate ways and had a long distance relationship that would've worked.
I've changed her, and I don't think I can undo that. I think maybe I could have. I think I broke through to her and got close to her like I used to be. Instead of loving her, though, all I did was drag her down again. The difference between this and the last time is that I don't think I can make this up to her anymore. This may be the last straw, the final blow to her heart that makes her leave me for good. I don't want it to end this way. I want the past back. I want some kind of future. I don't want this to be it.
Then I realize that I've been lying to myself. I don't think I want Emily, not the Emily I see before me now. She's cold, distant, strange, introspective. The sweet girl I loved is gone. I've been clinging to the memory of who she used to be, the past, because the past is safe and secure. I denied Lucille, the future, the girl who I didn't know, because I didn't want to know her. I wanted my old life back. I wanted the good old days. I wanted to believe in the lie life could be okay if only I had Emily so badly that I did believe life would magically be perfect if only I had Emily. But reality isn't lying to me: she is not a magical solution to all life's problems. She doesn't make me happy.
I care for her. I feel guilty for what happened. I love her. I always will. I just don't want her. I don't want to hurt her. That's what I'm doing. I love her, yet I'm dragging her down into a life she can't stand at a school she hates. I love her more than anything. Somehow that's only made things worse. I wish I could do the right thing just once in my life instead of trying and doing the wrong one. I want her to be happy, so why does everything turn out so wrong? Everything I did to bring us closer together, I undid with time and stupidity.
"Something wrong?" Emily asks, head on my shoulder, arms looped like always, teal green eyes curious. No, not curious. Knowing. I think we're both aware this isn't working anymore.
Despite that, I grin and tell her, "No, nothing. There's no one else I'd rather be with."