CPOV

Ana breaks away from our kiss and my embrace. She walks away from me and I am left feeling bereft. I feel terrible because I can only imagine the pain that I put Ana through when I left her. I can't take the silence. I need to close the distance between us and approach her once more. "I love you, Anastasia Steele. I will always love you and I love our daughter, too. Please, baby, can't we start over? I'll do anything, Ana. We can start slow, your rules your terms. Just say the word and I'm yours, baby."

"Christian, please. I can't do this."

"Why not, Ana? You want me, I know you do. I can feel it. I know your body so well, baby," I say as I step forward and caress her cheek.

"Too much time has passed, Christian. You need to know what's happened to me since you left," Ana says as she walks away from me once more, leaving me staring at her back, not knowing what is running through her mind. I hate this.

Ana finally turns around to face me.

"Christian, come here," she says as she leads me back to the sofa; we sit down again.

She takes a deep breath and sighs, "If, after I say my part, you're still willing to try to work things out, then and only then will I consider your proposal."

"To marry me? You'll consider marrying me?!"

"No, Christian, your other proposal. Getting to know each other once more."

"I see."

"Ok, I'm going to take a deep breath and spill. Would you like a drink before I begin?"

"No, thanks."

"Ok. Where shall I begin?"

"Start from the beginning, Ana, I need to know everything."

She tells me everything that happened from the morning that I left her. I feel sick, sick to my stomach as she recounts the torment she went through as a result of my cowardly actions.

She went to Noah for comfort and being the standup fucker that he is, he immediately took her in. Ana was confused and didn't know what to do. She was shocked but happy to find out that Noah had moved on and found love with Carolyn. That made me breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that they hadn't rekindled their old feelings for one another. I'm a selfish fucker, I know, but the thought of her with Noah, or any man for that matter...No, don't go there, focus on Ana, focus on what she's saying.

Noah spoke to Carolyn who was more than understanding about the entire situation. His plan was to take Ana back home. She couldn't focus on school. Too many memories of me clouded her brain and she needed to start fresh. He planned on continuing his education at WSU and he wanted Ana to do the same. The only problem was, he didn't want to leave Carolyn and Carolyn didn't want to be apart from Noah. So the three of them rented a home near WSU where they all focused on their studies.

Ana was a ghost of a person, just going through the motions in class and it wasn't until about three months after I left her that she realized she was pregnant.

Her periods were so irregular that it never occurred to her that she might be having a baby; she thought she was coming down with the flu. Noah was concerned so he took it upon himself to make Ana an appointment with Doctor Stevens. He's been their doctor since they were kids. He told her she was pregnant.

She didn't react; she was stone cold out of it. Noah was there, waiting for her to break down but she didn't. She said that she recalled feeling the same way when her parents died and Noah was there for her again, waiting for the impending breakdown and rush of emotions, only it didn't happen. She said that she was in a zombie-like state for about two weeks, then something inside her brain snapped and brought her out of her calm but eerily quiet state of mind. She decided that she wasn't going to feel sorry for herself. She was going to focus on her studies and take the accelerated program at WSU so she could graduate early and that's exactly what she did.

She took Lamaze classes with Noah and Carolyn as her coaches, only to have that be a complete waste of time as Ana had to have an emergency c-section. Little Kristen was breech; the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck, making it difficult for her to breathe. Thankfully, she was fine. Ana said everything happened so fast, there wasn't much time to react or be frightened.

I'm a complete piece of shit. How the hell could I let Ana go through that alone? I never thought I would be grateful for Noah being a part of Ana's life, but at this moment, I most definitely am. I will be eternally indebted to him for stepping up and being the man that I should have been.

I'm not worthy of her love, not after I abandoned her. How she can still manage to look me in the eye without spitting on my face is beyond me.

I feel her hand on my knee and I'm brought back; I feel my body trembling with fear and anger. I'm trembling with fear for my Ana who should have had me right by her side, and anger at myself for being such a coward. So much for dealing with my self-loathing issues.

"It's ok, Christian, I'm fine. Kristen's fine, we got through it, with the help of Noah and Carolyn." Those words make me flinch. She got through it with the help of Noah and Carolyn. Fuck!

"It should have been me, Ana. I can't undo what's been done, baby, but I can try to be the man that I should have been. You make me want to be a better man. You make me a better man just by being with you."

"Oh Christian." Ana sniffles as the tears well up in her eyes.

"I'm sorry. Do go on, I need for you to continue."

She proceeds to tell me that Carolyn got pregnant as soon as they moved to Seattle. This came as a complete surprise to both of them since she was told that she wouldn't be able to have children due to some sort of medical condition. That was why Carolyn refused Noah's marriage proposal when they were attending school back East. She couldn't give him a child, something they both desperately desired. Noah, being the great fucking guy that he is, said that they could adopt as many babies as they wanted. He even joked about picking out the best looking kid, saying it would be more fun than shopping for a designer bag. He's so annoyingly perfect!

Once Noah graduated he immediately married Carolyn. The baby was the icing on the cake which explains why Carolyn was holding the baby girl with the sea-green eyes. Little Sienna is their daughter. Carolyn still managed to go to school part-time and continued with her rowing career until the end of her first trimester, with the approval of her doctor, of course. She's currently in medical school and is specializing in sports medicine. Noah is an engineer and with the funds provided from his inheritance, started and owns his own company. Ana graduated with a degree in literature and currently owns Power One Publishing. That was the only bit of information I had on Ana. It's been impossible to gather any type of intel (as Taylor calls it) on her. It's almost as if there is a cloak or shield protecting her from any outside forces.

"Oh God, I'm such an ass," I blurt out before I can stop myself.

"Why is that?"

"Because I thought you had something kinky going on between the three of you. I thought that you and Carolyn..." I stop myself.

No need to poison Ana's mind with my fucked up thoughts about thinking that she and Carolyn were "sharing" Noah. God, even though I'm in therapy, I'm still a sick fuck!

Ana looks scared for a brief moment, guilty even. Why is that? I need to know what is really going on between the three of them. It does appear that they live together.

"Ana, do you all...love, erm that is, do you all live here? Together?"

Ana shifts uncomfortably and says, "No, not exactly. I was going through a...rough patch in my life and they were concerned about me, and truth be told, so was I. I needed them. I get...lonely some times. We have dinner together. We try to get together at least twice a month, if our schedules allow."

"So, 'not exactly'...what does that mean? Sounds and looks like they do live here. What gives, Ana?"

"Well, I'm not exactly sure how or who mentioned it while we were having dinner one night, but it was mutually decided that they would move in with me for a while. They've been here about four months and they're actually moving out next week."

"Does Noah still have his home, the mansion as you called it?"

"Yes. Noah and his beautiful family live there. I visit when I can; we take turns hosting dinner at my place or theirs."

"So this is your home? You bought it?"

Ana sits up straight and smiles. "It is," she says with pride. She's come a long way from the little girl that I first met carrying oars that were ten times too big for her cute little body. I smile for a moment then frown at the reason why she was forced to grow up so quickly.

"Christian, are you ok?"

"No, Ana, I'm not."

"What's wrong?"

"Jesus, Ana, where do I begin? I left you. I left you pregnant and alone."

"I'm ok, Christian. I'm actually doing quite well now. I was concerned about myself for a while but having Noah, Carolyn, and Sienna here made it much easier for me. I have a wonderful nanny in Kate. I have Luke who looks out for me..."

"Sawyer! That fucker wants you, Ana!"

"Don't start, Christian! Luke takes care of me and if you still plan on trying to work something out between us, you will let this matter go. Are we clear?"

I've never seen Ana like this. She's quite sexy when she takes control. Control, something I've not had for quite some time but am slowly managing to regain once more.

"Crystal," I reply as I take her hand in mine. "Does that mean that we're good to go?"

"Good to go?" she asks.

"Yes, will you agree to get to know me again? Can we...you know, date? Perhaps go out to dinner some time? Maybe I can take you sailing? How about flying?! I recently acquired my pilot's license. I want to take you for a ride in the sky."

"Oh Christian, I want to...I really do, it's just...Whoa, wait a second. Your pilot's license?"

"Yes, Ana. How I'd love to take you for a ride! You'd love it! I know you would."

Ana puts her head down and starts to cry. I hate to see her like this. Hell, I've put her through enough pain to last a lifetime.

"Ana? What is it? Oh baby, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I left you and I'm so sorry that I missed out on the birth of our little Kristen. I should have been there for you."

Ana continues to cry and I gently pull her onto my lap. She wraps her arms around my neck and buries her head in my chest. God, I've missed her touch. I missed everything about her.

"Baby, please stop crying. Come on now. You're my strong Firecracker."

"I'm not that strong, Christian, I'm not...I'm not who you think I am. I'm not the little girl anymore."

"I know that, Ana, and I can't wait to get to know you all over again. Please, baby, you have to let me make this up to you. I love you. You have to believe that. What do you say, baby?"

Ana lifts her head up and I look into those beautiful baby blues of hers. The sadness in her eyes pierces my soul. She has that look in her eyes, that look that I saw in myself. That look that told me she's suffered a great deal of pain.

"Tell me, Ana. Nothing you say is going to change how I feel about you."

"Yes, it will, Christian. You could never love me or the person that I've become."

"Ana, please. Tell me, for God's sake, just say it so I can put your mind at ease. I don't want you to suffer anymore."

Ana takes a deep breath; she's about to speak when we hear a baby cry. Ana jumps out of my lap and says, "It's Kristen, follow me."

She grabs the mini speaker from the end table; I hadn't it noticed until now. I follow her upstairs and before Ana opens the door, she puts her index finger over her lip. "Keep quiet, she just needs a little comforting, I don't want her to wake."

I merely nod.

I follow behind her and I watch as Ana comforts Kristen. She gently rubs her little belly while she quietly coos, "It's ok little one, mommy is here. Go on now. Back to dreamland."

And with those words, Kristen stops fussing and goes back into a deep sleep. We quietly leave the nursery. I gently shut the door. She's about to walk away and I instinctively grab her by the wrist.

I whisper, "Enough Ana. No more. Talk to me. Now."

Ana drops her shoulders and bows her head in defeat. What is going on with her? Christ! I can't take this anymore. She senses my agitated state and quickly takes me by the hand and leads me to another floor. We took an elevator with a keypad lock system. What the hell has she got locked up in here?

We approach a door which she also unlocks via a key pad. She punches in the numbers and I hear the sound of a beep, granting us access to the room.

She slowly opens the door and gestures for me to enter before her. The familiar scent attacks my senses. I walk into the room and take in the sight before me. My eyes take a moment to adjust to the lighting or lack thereof. The low lighting illuminates the room in a soft warm glow. I hear a gentle humming sound and see a giant four poster bed. It's beautiful. Once I understand where I am and what exactly I'm looking at, I see them. The whips, the canes, the floggers, the whipping bench and holy fuck! She has a Saint Andrew's Cross!

The memories of being beaten senseless come rushing to my mind. I feel sick. I can't speak. I turn quickly to see Ana facing me. She looks like that little girl I fell in love with not long ago, but Ana is right. I don't know her, not anymore. She has changed. The meaning of her words now makes complete sense.

"Christian, I can't marry you. I don't even know you and I can guarantee that you do not know me."

"Too much time has passed, Christian. You need to know what's happened to me since you left."

I'm such an idiot! Here I was, thinking that I was poisoning her sweet and innocent mind with my fucked up thoughts of her getting mixed up in some sort of threesome with Noah and Carolyn, yet I find myself standing in her fucking playroom.

The words are out before I can stop them, "Ana, are you sub?"

Ana shakes her head. No, it can't be.

"Are you a...a..." I can't say it.

Ana speaks and says, "A Dominatrix, Christian, also known as a Domme."

My jaw is on the floor. This can't be true!