A/N

If you are familiar with my very first fanfiction, (Meet At Graduation) you know that my story got a little cray-cray and as you've read in the previous update, you can see that it has happened again with this story. Fasten your seat belts because I have one more curveball coming at you, here we go!

Love and hugs,

Rosie :D

CPOV

"Ana, are you a sub?"

Ana shakes her head. Good, she's not a sub. Perhaps there is some sort of logical explanation to this after all.

I take a deep breath and try to rationalize this situation and then I come to the most fucked up realization. I feel myself getting dizzy; my mind has just been blown.

I know the answer but I still have to hear it from her.

"Are you a...a..."

Ana takes a deep breath and says, "A Dominatrix, Christian, a Domme."

"Say something," Ana demands, bringing me back to reality; I seem to have checked out.

"I...I don't know what to say, Ana."

"What do you mean, you don't know what to say? I just showed you my playroom! Something I know you're very familiar with and you don't know what say?"

"You've stunned me, Ana. I am completely stunned. I need a moment."

I walk around the room in attempt to allow this information to sink in. I see the floggers, the belts, the canes, and a chest which more than likely is filled with toys. I think I'm going to be sick, the thought of Ana and someone doing those things together, oh dear God...

"I could sure use that fucking drink right about now."

"Let's get out of here. I'll fix you that drink downstairs."

"Oh? I didn't realize that I said that out loud."

"Come," Ana says as she extends her hand.

I take it and I follow her, feeling like a fucked up lost puppy dog. What the hell has Ana been up to since I left her? How far did she go? She couldn't have been in the lifestyle for very long. She was pregnant with our baby for fuck's sake! Maybe this shit didn't start until after she had our baby. Good God, my mind is racing and the images running through my mind...

She leads me to her kitchen and without thinking she pours me a glass of bourbon. How does she know that's my drink of choice?

"Here you go," she says as she hands me the glass.

I down it.

She stares at me as I hand her the glass.

"Thank you."

"Sure, would you like another?" she asks.

"Yes please." And keep them coming.

"Let's go back to the family room so we can uh...continue this conversation."

I nod and follow her back.

We sit on the sofa only this time I don't sit next to her. She sits on one end and I sit on the other.

We have to talk about it. I know we do but the image in my mind is too much for me to process. What did she do and with who and how many? And the sex, oh dear God, the sex! She has a baby for fuck's sake! What the hell is she thinking? Why did she do this? What made her want to think about joining this type of lifestyle?

Then the answer hits me hard and fast.

It was me! I did this to her! I ruined her! Oh, God forgive me. What have I done?!

"Christian, aren't you going to answer me?" Ana asks bringing me back to the here and now.

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

"I want to know if you have any questions. Is there anything you want to say to me?"

I jump off the sofa and begin to pace the floor as I run my hands through my hair.

"Christ, Ana. I don't know where to begin! Why? Why did you do this?"

"Why do you think I did? I was curious, I wanted to know what drew you to that type of place. I wanted answers."

"So you thought you'd get answers to your questions by going to a BDSM club?!" I shout.

Ana jumps off of the sofa and stands, putting her hands on her hips as she says, "Don't you get high and mighty with me, Grey! I went there because I was hurt, I was crushed and confused. I needed to know why you left me. I wanted to know what was so important about that place that you felt you had to leave me. Don't you see? You left me with so many questions and I wanted answers, answers that could only come from going to that club."

"Oh God, Ana, when did this happen? Where did you go?"

"It happened after you left. I went back to that club, only to observe, mind you," Ana says as she returns to the sofa and sits down once more.

"I'm confused. I thought you went to Noah's place and then headed back to Seattle?"

"I did go to Noah's place and we did head back home to Seattle, but it wasn't something that occurred overnight. I had some loose ends to tie up. No pun intended." Ana smirks.

I fail to see the humor in her remarks and as a matter of fact, I flinch at her 'tie up' comment.

"Christian, please come sit. It's difficult to have this conversation with you as you pace back and forth."

"Sorry, Ana, it's not exactly easy for me to listen to you talk about BDSM while sitting down."

"Try, please," she replies.

I look at her pleading eyes and walk back to the sofa and sit on the opposite end, not wanting to touch her. "Go on, what did you do?" I demand.

"I wanted to finish out the semester at school so I returned to Harvard. Luckily, I had Holly to take care of me. I focused on my studies but I still needed answers and I knew I could get them at the club."

"Jesus, Ana, you were pregnant!" I shout as I jump up again and run my hands through my hair. "What the fuck..."

"Don't shout at me!" Ana says as she immediately stands. "I didn't know I was pregnant at the time. My periods were so irregular and I didn't realize that my body was changing. I wasn't exactly in a good state of mind, thanks to you. It didn't matter any way. I mean it's not like I did anything. I only...watched."

Ana sits down again and gestures for me to sit. I'm not sure why, I'm only going to jump up again if she keeps laying out all this shit for me. I sit down but I'm ready for the next shocking revelation, if there is one, though I'm not sure anything she says will shock me now. I need to find out what happened to her; she said she only watched but why the playroom? I have to know.

"Well, something must have occurred, otherwise you wouldn't have a damn playroom in your home."

"Something did happen, only not right away. I didn't get into the scene, so to speak, until after Kristen was born."

My mind is racing as I try to do the math.

"If you're trying to come up with a time frame, I can tell you I was actively participating in BDSM for about a year."

"Was? So, does that mean you're no longer active in the lifestyle?"

"That's correct, I left the scene about two months ago."

"So this...what you do, or used to do rather, didn't begin until after you moved to Seattle?"

"Yes."

"Where did you go? What did you do?"

"I went in search of what I was looking for."

"And what did you find?"

"Oh Christian, you'd be amazed!" Ana practically squeals as her eyes sparkle with what appears to be delight.

God help me.

"God help you?"

Shit! So much for control. I can't even control my inner thoughts.

"Never mind, please continue. What would amaze me?"

"The vast number of clubs would amaze you. There are so many places in and around Seattle where you can learn all about the BDSM scene and train to be a Dominatrix or a sub."

"I can't believe that we are having a conversation about BDSM, this is...Christ, I don't know exactly what this is or how to put it into words."

"Shall I continue?" Ana asks.

"Please," I say although I'm not sure I can handle or mentally prepare myself for what she has in store for me.

"Well, I did a little research online and found a club that I thought would be suitable for my...needs."

What type of needs did she have?

"Go on."

"I went to the club and it was not exactly what I had in mind, it was more of a BDSM orgy, a sort of free for all, if you will. I was about to leave when a woman grabbed my arm. She could see that I was clearly out of place and she recommended another club, one more suitable for beginners or first timers. I went there the following night and there she was. The very same woman who grabbed my arm and told me about this club, only she looked different. She was elegant, beautiful and very much in control. I found her fascinating, especially considering how much I wanted to be in control of my own life."

"What did you do?"

"I smiled and properly introduced myself as did she. Her name was Jade, she was very sweet and kind. She immediately put me at ease, she took me to a private room and we ordered some drinks. She asked why I was interested in the lifestyle and I told her everything. From my childhood up until the time you left me. I explained that I had some issues with trust and that I also had some unresolved anger issues. She suggested that I see a therapist but I refused. I think a part of me wanted to do this as some sort of way of punishing you."

Well it sure as shit is working, only at what cost to Ana?

"Go on," I say.

"Jade said she would be happy to take me under her wing and train me as a Dominatrix. Only she said that one cannot be an expert Domme without first experiencing what it's like to be a sub."

"So you...trained to be a sub?"

Ana nods. Holy fuck!

"It wasn't an unpleasant experience."

"Oh? Is that supposed to make me feel better about this?"

"Do you want to hear this or should I stop?"

"I'm sorry, Ana, I just can't believe that you...Fuck! Go on, who was it that trained you?" I ask as I feel Ana, the person I once knew, slipping away from me.

"It was Jade. Jade trained me," Ana says quickly, knowing exactly where my thoughts are headed.

"What did you...do? I mean with her, what did you do with her?"

"The standard type of BDSM stuff. I'm sure you're quite familiar with it."

"Was she ever...harsh with you?" I ask as I feel my heart break more than I ever thought possible.

"No, she was very kind and gentle and loving," Ana says as she smiles.

Holy shit.

"Ok, so what happened next?"

"After about three months of training, she said I was ready to start learning how to be a Domme. I told her what I wanted in a sub. She didn't think it was a very good idea but I was not going to be denied. I had a specific type of sub in mind and I wanted to exact revenge in any way that I could."

"Revenge?"

"Yes, I wanted to hurt you so I made sure that my subs had some of your qualities."

"Jesus! What qualities?"

"Oh, you know," she says a little too casually, "Tall, copper hair, grey eyes, that type."

Fuck! She wanted to beat the shit out of me and she was using a sub to do it.

"How many of them?" I shout.

"What does it matter?"

"HOW MANY, ANA?!" I shout.

This time it's Ana that stands up and walks to the other side of the room; she wants distance before she lays this bombshell on me. Now I wish I hadn't asked but since I've put the question out there, I must know.

"Dammit, Ana, answer me. You're only making things worse!"

Ana takes a deep breath and looks me straight in the eye as she says, "Fifteen."

"Fifteen?! Fifteen?! Fif-fucking-teen?! What in the hell, how in the fuck? That number is...shit! Were these subs all men?!"

"Yes, but it's not what you think, Christian," she says as she approaches me. I instinctively put my hands up, not wanting her to approach me. I feel sick. Fifteen!

"Well, you're sure as shit right about that! It's worse!"

"Things got complicated, Christian, my subs...they started to care about me, you know with feelings. I didn't want a relationship, I just wanted to you know...do things without feelings. That's why I had so many subs."

"But fifteen, Ana? Fifteen in the span of what? How long did you say you were in the scene, one year? One fucking year? Fifteen subs in one year?! Jesus Christ, Anastasia!"

"I'm sorry, Christian, I'm so sorry. I tried to tell you, I'm not the same person that I was when we met. It seems like a million years ago. I wish we could go back. I wish things were different."

"Oh God, if only it was that simple," I say as I feel my world crashing down on me.

"Christian, I'm so very sorry, you have no idea how..."

"How? How what?"

Ana looks as though she's had an epiphany of sorts, then her expression changes and she's angry.

"Why am I apologizing to you? You were traveling through Europe, having a virtual smorgasbord of BDSM scenes with God knows how many women and doing who knows what with them. Why don't you tell me about all your subs? Why don't you tell me about all the stuff you did with them? Why should I feel contrite?!"

"Why?! I'll tell you why, because I didn't fuck any of them! That's fucking why! Fifteen, fifteen, fif-fucking-teen!"

APOV

What? Did he just say he didn't fuck any of them? No! Way!